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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband should have wanted to spend more time with me and our sick baby in the hospital?

102 replies

dellacucina · 06/09/2017 12:26

Here is the scenario: Monday morning, my baby was terribly ill. I called 111 and they immediately sent an ambulance which put on its blue lights and siren etc.

I barely had slept the night before due to baby being unsettled. DH slept in the spare room. We were both unwell in the morning, though he probably felt worse.

Husband stayed with us all day Monday without complaint. Monday night, he planned to leave me alone in hospital with the very sick baby but I insisted that he stay. He left all day on Tuesday to sleep and do stuff at home. His mother came to provide some support. He finally came back around 7:30 pm. At 11:30 pm he again said he wanted to go home. I told him I needed his help in the night.

We agreed Tuesday (last) night that he would go home to let a tradesman in and then come back to help with the anticipated discharge.

This morning, he woke me up and said I needed to tell him what to take since he wasn't really planning to come back; hospital staff could help me carry things down to a taxi.

I told him I needed his help, even if it just was a matter of having emotional support after being stuck in a hospital ward with a sick baby for 2.5 days. I said he had to come back.

Several hours later I asked when he was returning. He had just gotten on with chores and apparently had no intention of returning until I summoned him.

I feel he is being unsupportive and weird. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 06/09/2017 14:00

Babsganoush: it wasn't a BBQ! It was after 11 at night, he arrived superlate (I came earlier to meet him), and he knew I was coming to be a good sport even though I was exhausted!

OP posts:
ikeadyounot · 06/09/2017 14:01

I'm so sorry your baby was so sick, it sounds terrifying.

I can see both sides with this. I think you have just been placed in the most terrifying situation a couple can face. Everyone deals with that fear a bit differently. Some people can't leave the bedside of the ill child. Others can't bear to be there, they have to get away and do something to distract themselves, or they feel like they might go absolutely crazy.

I think you and your DH just hit different coping strategies with this. His absence isn't a sign he doesn't love you and his child, just a different way of coping. At the same time, as someone who reacts very much as you do, I totally understand your frustration - when someone goes away like that, it can make you feel very alone and abandoned.

You must be absolutely exhausted, in need of a cup of tea, a huge hug, and real life reassurance. Flowers for you.

peanut2017 · 06/09/2017 14:01

Hope your little one is ok now!

Don't think your dh needed to be there all the time. Otherwise you both will be tried. When my baby was in hospital recently for 4 nights, we took turns. Dh did two nights and so did I as it was sleeping on a pull out bed. Then the next day the person who stayed the night went home to sleep, shower and change and then come back in later on.

There Jan like way my dh wouldn't of wanted to be there when our baby was released from hospital! He was skipping out of the place and delighted to get home. Can't believe your dh would think that is acceptable behaviour

notapizzaeater · 06/09/2017 14:06

Glad your DD is ok now. TBH though my Ds would only settle in me when he was ill and DH is very hands on and I wouldn't have expected him to stay with me when ds was in hospital, (and neither would I have left him)

You need to make him more hands on, don't just wait for him to step up, makes plans and tell him he's looking after her,

Laulau79 · 06/09/2017 14:11

YANBU I would be having a serious talk tonight - if he can't be there for your baby at times like this then when will he?

strongasmeringue · 06/09/2017 14:15

He won't change. Please seriously consider leaving this excuse for a man.

Parker231 · 06/09/2017 14:18

Hope your DD is now better?

Why did you not go home when your DH came to the hospital? He could have looked after DD whilst you went home for some sleep.

Daydreamerbynight · 06/09/2017 14:21

Migraleve 'assuming you are an adult'

That was necessary Hmm

Migraleve · 06/09/2017 14:26

migraleve 'assuming you are an adult'

That was necessary

Not more or less so than your Hmm

My point was that the OP sounded as if she was sitting waiting for permission, like a child, rather than discussing it. My point was also rather valid given that further into the thread she has mentioned how much of a bell end he is.

jesslilly · 06/09/2017 14:28

I hear you loud and clear I had a similar problem with mine, I had just given birth my son was in hospital for 4 months he was 13 weeks early and very poorly touch and go, well my partner was barley there at all I can remember him beeing there like 8 times the most and i was living there with my son, I was really hurt by this and his constant excuses and his parents excusing this for him. The differenta is he has asperger's it was hard to put it down to that coping with stress and so on. You have feelings too that's what hurts you feel as though you and your child has been let down and pushed to side feeling it hurts but just think you and your child is much better now and he/she is home with you think and care for you and your baby that's all that matters, try talk to him see why he wasnt there it might help you understand a little of what was going on in his head and for him to understand what was going on on yours and how you were feeling xx

TresDesolee · 06/09/2017 14:30

I don't mean this unkindly OP but from what you've said there's an unhealthy dynamic in the relationship and you're both contributing to it. He may well be contributing more!

From your side, it sounds as though you want him to worship you and your baby, drop everything when you ask for something, and also be a bit of a mind-reader. Eg if I was really nauseous, there'd be no pleasant chatting - I'd be off somewhere lying down or puking. Is it possible you exaggerate your needs in order to try to provoke him into paying attention/doing what you want?

From his side, he sounds a bit uncommunicative, like he takes a bit of pleasure in frustrating you, and like he's trying to resist any request you make, however reasonable.

If you want to stay together long term I reckon you've got a lot of sorting out and communicating to do. Meanwhile, if you want to do something, do it. If you need to go home and sleep, call a taxi and go. If you want to leave a party, say goodbye and walk out the door. Stop expecting him to do the white knight thing - you never know, he might behave differently if he sees you're more than capable of getting what you want by yourself.

GabsAlot · 06/09/2017 14:31

did he not pick you up still?

whats his excuse-too tired

sounds like he wanted a child as a trophy not to actually be involved in their life

you got major problems not just what happened at hospital

Danceswithwarthogs · 06/09/2017 14:34

It sounds like he has his faults (as we all do) and you do have the measure of him. Unfortunately some people are less emotionally intelligent/empathetic than others and will not pick up on clues that you need/expect more from them. Kids add a new dimension to this, even when they're not poorly.

My husband is the loveliest man but can sometimes leave me feeling a bit put-out when he seems to miss the obvious or prioritises (what i consider) unnecessary errands/extra at work over helping me with the kids. (Eg obsessing over mowing the grass when the house inside is a bombsite and I'm limited with housework due to SPD, or not telling me he'll be leaving for work at 6 am and won't be able to help at all with getting kids to nursery on my work day)

To an extent sometimes you have to accept that's the way they are, but when things really matter or upset you, you need to spell it out. Tell him you understand his reasoning over the hospital thing and you appreciate him getting the house ready/taking care of you when you got home, but you felt hurt that he didn't come to pick you both up/didn't consider whether you were well enough to manage without him. Give him chance to understand and apologise for where you felt let down. Try not to stay annoyed.

I've also learned over the years never to "assume" that they're thinking the same as you.... if you can, try to know/agree a plan earlier on/ahead so you can manage your own expectations, even if you do end up a DIY/skittles widow, at least you weren't expecting a family day out/date night in.

Also men do generally turn into giant children when they're ill!?

Maybe when you're all better, have a curry and bottle of wine together and be thankful that dd is well and you can put the whole horrible experience behind you. It might be one of those things that you can learn/grow stronger from as a couple in the long run.

RideOn · 06/09/2017 14:37

YABU I don't think you need (or even should have) both parents present (especially if they are both ill with a virus) on the ward. One or other. It would have been reasonable for him to take over and you go home/off ward for a couple of hours, or him stay overnight and you go home.

DS was in earlier this year for 5 nights and then 3 nights on childrens ward. I stayed 7 of the 8 nights but equally would have been ok with my DH doing 7 of the 8. I am more attentive I think and more happy to spend time feeding/changing/holding his arm for blood tests/re-doing drip/ asking the nurses for painkillers, etc than my DH - not that he couldnt, but that is why I pushed for me staying rather than him.
He came in day and I went home/showered / ate. One night son was very unwell and I was in regular phone contact with DH, if he had got any worse I would have asked him to come back, just so he was fully involved in the discussion about treatment.
As soon as I knew my DS was on road to recovery and they said could be discharged the next day (all being well) I was relieved and would be glad of DH at home doing chores for us getting home. I drove me and DS home from hospital, DH waited at home.

My DH is not weird or unsupportive.

Having said that maybe you did need to go home, get some rest and insist he stays.

Benedikte2 · 06/09/2017 14:57

OP this could be my ex H that you are describing. He will never change because his feelings will always come first. Mine left me in labour to go home because he needed sleep, avoided visiting after a serious operation because he didn't like hospitals etc etc. I think this sort of selfish behaviour would be regarded as wholly selfish and unacceptable by most people who wouldn't dream of acting this way themselves.
I imagine the time will come when it will be a matter of when and not if you LTB
Good luck. Hope you are feeling better soon.

Original poster
dellacucina · 06/09/2017 15:04

Babsganoush: forgot to address your question. Yes, I am probably a bit needy. He is probably a bit distant! Some of this is probably down to personality differences.

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 06/09/2017 15:11

Jesslilly: believe it or not, before I saw your post, I was musing whether he could be on the spectrum. I honestly would not be surprised.

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 06/09/2017 15:19

TresDesolee: i don't think I exaggerate my needs to get his attention, honestly. I think he is a bit of a selfish dick. But I think you are right that I need to revise how I am behaving in some ways to get my needs met! I tend to be too passive and let him run the show. I also often just complain when he once again ignores my feelings/stated desires or needs.

I am working on this, e.g. I am going to start arranging a babysitter to help when he is busy at a work and I need an extra hand

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 06/09/2017 15:21

Danceswithwarthogs: thanks, this is a helpful perspective. I think you are right that I need to pick my battles so to speak. If we are to stay married, I definitely need to accept that some of this is just his personality.

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 06/09/2017 15:24

Thanks also to everyone who has shared good wishes for DD. She is back to herself (even if still a bit ill), and it is a total joy.

OP posts:
WineAndTiramisu · 06/09/2017 15:31

I think you are being a bit unreasonable about the hospital thing, as there's no need for both of you to be there, but the rest of it sounds more concerning, and it seems that this has just tipped you over the edge?

Have you talked to him about the lack of time he's spending with both of you? Does he ever look after dd on his own?

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/09/2017 16:12

With the baby here, he expects me to care for her 24/7 and he has not made himself available to help much, even on weekends. He is resistant to getting childcare even though we have plenty of money because he is very cheap.

No wonder he wanted a child. I'd have ten if someone else was going to do all the hard work. I have never met a man who is resistant to paid childcare and resistant to him doing any childcare who wasn't a terrible misogynist. Emotionally distant you can deal with. Man who thinks women are servants? Not so much.

Original poster
dellacucina · 07/09/2017 13:18

WineAndTiramisu: yes, I have talked endlessly about the need to spend time together, but he always prioritises other things above me/us. I have the feeling that he takes for granted that DD and I will always be around when he finally has extra time to spare.

As an example, we always used to go on lots of holidays, weekends away, etc before she was born. He has made it impossible to plan any time alone as a family since she came along. He has also announced that traveling with her is too hard, but he considers it a waste of his holiday time to do a staycation

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 07/09/2017 13:21

And he watches her sometimes. Last time, he didn't brush her teeth all day or put her in clothing. I came home to find she was crawling on rough paving stones in a nappy while he hung out with a friend.

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Babymamamama · 07/09/2017 13:55

He sounds a real charmer. Poor dd. Poor you.