Your husband isn't bloody psychic!

[KungFuPandaWorksOut16]

Just having a catchup with a friend, I think I'm right and she is BU, my friend thinks she is right and her husband is BU. So we are turning to Mumsnet for answers.

On Saturday was my friends 30th birthday.
A few weeks prior, my friends DH had asked her would she like a party. My friend told her DH no She doesn't want a big fuss. He then asked her what she would like. My friend said a meal at her favourite food place and gave him a few ideas for gifts.

So Saturday comes around, she gets the gifts she asked for off her DH, a few of us pop around in the morning with gifts.
At the night she is taken for the meal and a few drinks and that's how the night ends.

My friend is annoyed at her DH for not putting in more "effort" and not arranging a surprise get together. Her view is just because she said No, doesn't mean he should have taken notice of her answer, it was a big birthday so he should have done something big for it.

My view is she told her husband no. No means No. If she wanted a party or get together why not just tell him?

So who is BU?

Dh can be a bit like this and it makes his birthday so stressful - for me because I'm wondering how I will get it wrong and for him because he is wondering how I will get it wrong!

Totally nailed his 40th though and he seems to have matured enough to accept he's been a bit of a dickhead all these years

If she wanted to be memorable she should have explained it to him. For my 30th I wanted something 'memorable' and when my husband asked me what I wanted I told him exactly. We spent the weekend in Paris and I did everything I wanted to do. Even helped paying for everything and that way I would have it exactly how I wanted. He would not have known what I wanted if I didn't tell him

Your friend is definitely BU - she sounds nearer to 13 than 30.

Actually I agree that one surprise gift, along with something from the list, would have been thoughtful.

I can't bear people like this. She sounds so spoilt.

Poor DH who can't win.

She should make up her mind what she wants and tell the poor bloke: I want a big fuss or I don't; I want to be surprised or I don't.; I like practical things or I want special treats. I agree it's women like this that give other women a bad name.

She's really saying she has to be surprised about being surprised, or it doesn't count. She's 30 not 13.

X post silvery. Great minds...

I really hate it when people pull this PA "you should have known I didn't mean it" shit.

I express myself honestly and without games and I expect others to do the same. I do my husband the courtesy of taking him at his word and I expect him to do the same for me.

We do tend to do presents off a list because both of us increasingly have pretty much everything we want and need and are specific in our tastes. I try to throw in something else I've chosen myself as a surprise, but there's a big difference between that and throwing someone a surprise party they've specifically said they don't want!

So yes, she IBU.

Your friend is nuts

Anmi that was my point! You don't ask you don't get. If she wanted a surprise she could of said have said that.
She just expected him too mind read!

but does he think should got her surprise gifts and wowed her instead of following the list

Oh dear. It's one thing to be grabby. It's a total other to accept you are so, have no shame about it and tell your mates.

Maybe her husband should know what she's like though!

Don't bother = you'd better bother
It's fine = it really isn't fine
I really don't mind = I really DO mind

The wife should have dropped fairly heavy hints to everyone involved what she wanted. You as her friend should have found out from her exactly what she wanted and passed this onto him so he could 'surprise' her!

Wife failed to communicate what she wanted.

Its idiots like your friend that give women a bad name of being hard work and high maintenance. So she was testing him? She said no so she got what she wanted.

Your friend. I wasn't even at home for my 50th, I was at the annual picnic of the Tolkien Society. Just because it ends in a zero, doesn't necessarily mean you want a big celebration, and if you do, tell people!

She's not only completely unreasonable but she's also confirming to bullshit misogynistic stereotypes that women don't know what the fuck they want!

Exactly this.

Maybe her husband should know what she's like though!

Don't bother = you'd better bother
It's fine = it really isn't fine
I really don't mind = I really DO mind

The wife should have dropped fairly heavy hints to everyone involved what she wanted. You as her friend should have found out from her exactly what she wanted and passed this onto him so he could 'surprise' her!

Bollocks. The wife is a grown adult with an attentive, communicative spouse and the power of speech. She can say exactly what she wants, you know, like a grown up, rather than dropping hints which directly contradict what she said in response to her husband's direct question -- and it certainly isn't the OP's responsibility to enable her friend's spoilt 'tweat me like a speshul pwincess, even if I've told you not to' behaviour. Honestly.

Your friend is an idiot. My DH would do exactly the same as her husband. In fact, he totally hates manipulative games and would be really pissed off if I tried hinting that he was wrong for doing what I told him to do.

MoGhileMear I was being facetious!

Sorry, changes -- I'm procrastinating a funding application and clearly left my sense of humour/ability to detect irony somewhere a long way away. Carry on.

MoGhileMear I remember those from old job, not fun. I'm online shopping. Yippee.

It's a miracle she even has a husband. She would do well to behave less unreasonably lest she looses him.

Your friend is the definition of hard work.

Shall we start a procrastination thread?

I can't procrastinate my way out of picking the DC up. 😢

Lweji I turned this computer on at 8, It's school pick up in half an hour. I've had 7 cups of tea, breakfast, lunch and snacks. 3 trips to the bathroom. sorted out shoes, cleaned bathroom, browsed MN, shopped online.

Yet I still haven't opened any emails..... Can I get 4 hours worth done in 25 minutes. I'm going to go brew another tea.

Shall we start a procrastination thread?

Later.

She is being VU! This is why some men think no means yes. No should mean no.