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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Your husband isn't bloody psychic!

131 replies

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 06/09/2017 11:44

Just having a catchup with a friend, I think I'm right and she is BU, my friend thinks she is right and her husband is BU. So we are turning to Mumsnet for answers.

On Saturday was my friends 30th birthday.
A few weeks prior, my friends DH had asked her would she like a party. My friend told her DH no She doesn't want a big fuss. He then asked her what she would like. My friend said a meal at her favourite food place and gave him a few ideas for gifts.

So Saturday comes around, she gets the gifts she asked for off her DH, a few of us pop around in the morning with gifts.
At the night she is taken for the meal and a few drinks and that's how the night ends.

My friend is annoyed at her DH for not putting in more "effort" and not arranging a surprise get together. Her view is just because she said No, doesn't mean he should have taken notice of her answer, it was a big birthday so he should have done something big for it.

My view is she told her husband no. No means No. If she wanted a party or get together why not just tell him?

So who is BU?

OP posts:
PollyFlint · 06/09/2017 11:58

I don't even think of 30 as a 'special' birthday, really.

quercuscircus · 06/09/2017 12:00

She is!! I feel sorry for the DH. Getting stick for respecting her wishes and trying to please her :(

If she doesn't apreciate him, someone else will

TheFaerieQueene · 06/09/2017 12:00

She sounds like a nightmare.

quercuscircus · 06/09/2017 12:01

"say what you mean and mean what you say" is something to live by

RainbowPastel · 06/09/2017 12:01

30 isn't a big age any way. 40 is the big one after 21.

regularbutpanickingabit · 06/09/2017 12:02

Totally with you and the DH. If she said no, said what she actually wanted and he listened??? Surely that's a great thing!
If she had said that she doesn't want to know, doesn't want to make a decision about it but was excited by the occasion then yes, he could have called her friends and sounded you out or done what he thought was right.
Poor bloke.

Tilapia · 06/09/2017 12:03

I can understand your friend feeling a bit disappointed, especially if she was particularly nice to her DH on his last 'big' birthday. Was she?

araiwa · 06/09/2017 12:05

Asking her what she wanted to do and what presents she wanted and then following those instructions is a nice thing to do

Original poster
KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 06/09/2017 12:05

A few have asked if she's the kind to like surprise parties. She's not really the kind of person who likes being centre of attention, so I think that is why her DH asked her.

OP posts:
Macncheesewithbacon · 06/09/2017 12:06

She's not only completely unreasonable but she's also confirming to bullshit misogynistic stereotypes that women don't know what the fuck they want!

Original poster
KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 06/09/2017 12:08

Tilapia his 30th isn't until next year. I think he was nice to her. The gifts she got are lovely and the restaurant she went is a lovely place aswell. She got everything she asked for!

OP posts:
teaandtoast · 06/09/2017 12:09

SIBU. Her husband can't win. If he'd gone for a big bash and she'd really meant 'no', he'd have been in the wrong there too.

Suck it up, buttercup.

Nikephorus · 06/09/2017 12:09

" But wouldn't you expect some kind of surprise on a big birthday? He stuck exactly to the list of gifts and didn't deviate from the list "
If she included "a surprise" on her list then yes, it's vaguely (in a grabby sort of way) reasonable to expect it. If she didn't (which she obviously didn't) then no, why would you expect it. I hate surprises - if I'm bought the exact item I've suggested then I'm happy.

Anecdoche · 06/09/2017 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KityGlitr · 06/09/2017 12:10

She's bonkers! He asked what she wanted and delivered it. Not a mind reader. Lots of people don't like a fuss and would be gutted if they had it sprung upon them.

However I would be a little disappointed if there wasn't so much as a tiny little cheap gift that OH had found himself and thought I liked, even something homemade. Everyone likes a surprise on their birthday. Not a huge deal but does seem a bit of a lack of effort from her DH.

BMW6 · 06/09/2017 12:10

Good grief your friend is being utterly ridiculous, and hideously ungrateful. What an awful person.

DoomGloomAndKaboom · 06/09/2017 12:13

Her husband did EXACTLY what she told him she wanted, and she still isn't happy.

Poor bloke.

PoorYorick · 06/09/2017 12:14

I really feel for men who get caught in this and a lot of OPs on here have expectations of psychic ability that do my head in. But I do think it is partly the result of a society where women are not supposed to be open about their desires.

MammaTJ · 06/09/2017 12:14

It was my 50th last week, DP asked if I would like a party, I said yes, so I had a party. Only a small one at home, but I had a party.

Had I said no to having a party, guess what? I would not have had a party.

I remember seeing a thread on here where the OP had said she did not want a party but found out that her DH/DP was planning a surprise one behind her back and she was mortified!!

He was clearly trying to avoid that kind of distress for her.

Branleuse · 06/09/2017 12:16

Shes being weird. If she wanted a big fuss she should have spoken up when asked directly.

Rikalaily · 06/09/2017 12:16

Your friend sound like hard work. If you want to be surprised on your Birthday, when someone asks what you would like, you tell them 'surprise me'! If you give suggestions and say no party then that is what you are going to get. 30 isn't even a big birthday, 40 yes, 30 no.

I'm 40 in two years and have already told my sisters and my husband, no surprise party. I would be majorly pissed if they did one.

lottiegarbanzo · 06/09/2017 12:16

If she hadn't given a list he'd have had to guess and she'd have had a surprise (which she mightn't have liked as much). She chose to give a list.

If she was hoping for a surprise party, she either needed to tell a friend, who would tell her DH, to maintain the pretence of a 'surprise', or, say 'whatever you think best' to him and hope for the best (might not like the result). She chose to give him precise instructions instead.

She's being silly.

Letmesleepalready · 06/09/2017 12:16

I told DH I wanted a surprise and he did a great job at organising it. Had I not said anything I don't think he would have gone through the trouble of doing so. So to save disappointment I knew I had to tell him I expected a surprise. At least her DH followed the set plan, I imagine a lot of people would forget to plan anything, even the meal out.

Lweji · 06/09/2017 12:18

He can't win, can he?

If he had done a big thing and a surprise, she might well have been complaining that he didn't do what she wanted.

She's being silly. Perhaps she regretted not asking for a bigger event, and now feels the adrenaline low that follows celebrations.

Do let her know that she shouldn't complain that her husband knows that no means no. It's a good thing, as you told her.

KungFuEric · 06/09/2017 12:19

God she sounds an arse.

Predict a divorce within 5/7 years.