Your husband isn't bloody psychic!

[KungFuPandaWorksOut16]

Just having a catchup with a friend, I think I'm right and she is BU, my friend thinks she is right and her husband is BU. So we are turning to Mumsnet for answers.

On Saturday was my friends 30th birthday.
A few weeks prior, my friends DH had asked her would she like a party. My friend told her DH no She doesn't want a big fuss. He then asked her what she would like. My friend said a meal at her favourite food place and gave him a few ideas for gifts.

So Saturday comes around, she gets the gifts she asked for off her DH, a few of us pop around in the morning with gifts.
At the night she is taken for the meal and a few drinks and that's how the night ends.

My friend is annoyed at her DH for not putting in more "effort" and not arranging a surprise get together. Her view is just because she said No, doesn't mean he should have taken notice of her answer, it was a big birthday so he should have done something big for it.

My view is she told her husband no. No means No. If she wanted a party or get together why not just tell him?

So who is BU?

Your friend is mad.
If you have to tell somebody what to buy you then you can't expect surprises.
I like surprises so don't ask my family for specific gifts.
I can see where she is coming from it's nice to receive surprises, but if it's important to you don't write a list and tell folk what you want

If her husband has any sense he won't stick around for her 40th. He'll LTB long before then.

She sounds very difficult.

Friend is being unreasonable here. How many times have we seen posts from people complaining their OH doesn't listen to or respect their wishes?

She got what she asked for. She should be grateful her DH respects her wishes.

She is being massively unreasonable

He asked what she wanted and did it! Poor man!

Oh god, she sounds like a bloody idiot. Her poor husband just did what she said she wanted!

Your friend is BU for expecting to have a party when she said no.

However, her husband should have got her those gifts she asked for AND a few extra surprises to show a bit of effort. I would never buy someone just the gifts they had requested - it's lazy - and I'd always try to do something to show a bit of a fuss, e.g. making a cake.

The trouble with being in a relationship with someone like your friend is they are never pleased or content, always having a grey cloud in their sights.

It becomes so weary sharing your life with that grey cloud, knowing you'll never be up to scratch. He's on a hiding to nothing that man, and he's not even 30 yet.

My DH can sometimes be like your 'friend'.

It's exceptionally frustrating as I feel like I'm permanently on a test, which is 100% guaranteed to result in failure. We've had many arguments in the past about this. I suspect some of this may be cultural but say what you mean and want and stick with it. That's what grown-ups do.

There was surprises in her gifts as such,
For example she requested perfume but never said which one.
So she knew in a round about way what gifts she would be getting but not fully if that makes sense.

My friend said she supposes she feels let down because in her eyes he didn't make a big deal or there wasn't any kind of surprises that you would normally associate with a big birthday.

But wouldn't you expect some kind of surprise on a big birthday? He stuck exactly to the list of gifts and didn't deviate from the list

So he gave her exactly what she wanted. Poor little flower.

Suggest to her that she needs to learn from this to say what she means. It really couldn't have hurt her to say, when asked about presents, something like "Well, these are a couple of ideas but I do like the occasional surprise as well."

Birthdays should not be used as relationship tests.

Your friend is being incredibly unreasonable.

Of course your friends BU. I explicitly asked DH for a weekend away for my 30th- repeatedly. I got a set of brakes for a bike in the shed I didn't ride. Now thats BU.

Your friend is BU, she sounds like hard work.

Poor bloke can't get anything right.

Well she should have said don't tell me dearest husband, just decide for me and il enjoy the surprises.

Instead she said I want x,y,z and I do not want a surprise so husband provides xyz and respects his wife's rights and choices instead of forcing her into a I'm the husband so I know better what you'll like than you have told me situation.

And now he's in the wrong.

I'm glad your not my wife!

It's NOT a big birthday.

I hate being the centre of attention and parties 'for' me. If I'd said I didn't want a party and someone organised one THEN I'd be raging. Poor guy couldn't win.

She is unreasonable. She got everything she asked for and is still not happy. And maybe there wasn't money in the budget for extra surprises?

I have to agree with the other posters - your friend is being very unreasonable. I feel so sorry for the husband.

Yes, as everyone else has said, your friend IBVVVVU. She sounds needy and immature actually. I hope she sees sense and realises what he did for her birthday was lovely. Or, of not, that he sees sense.

Yeah she's definitely unreasonable

Ah the classic I don't want a big fuss but if you don't make a big fuss I will sulk. She's being unreasonable

I think SIBU re the surprise thing, some people do not like surprise parties but my DH arranged the meal I asked for but all our friends were there too as a surprise.

I don't think SIBU re the presents, it is always nice to have a bit of thought into the gifts, not just off a list. DH and I always buy gifts off the list but then buy a few special surprise bits also, not just for big birthdays.

I wouldn't be massively disappointed if DH didn't though for a normal birthday as often we are mega busy with work etc so don't have time but would hope he would put a bit of thought into a big birthday. For his big birthday recently I got him a surprise to do on the day and a surprise gathering in the evening plus a few keep sake sort of gifts as well as stuff he'd asked for. Everyone's different though and if this isn't something they have done before re surprise gifts then maybe she was expecting too much.

Fucking ridiculous.

It's women like her that give rise to the myth that sometimes "no" means "yes".

She's behaving like a dick.

Sorry if it wasn't clear, I definitely think she shouldn't be disappointed if she said no surprise party though.

She's not only completely unreasonable but she's also confirming to bullshit misogynistic stereotypes that women don't know what the fuck they want!

and also very much this ...

It's women like her that give rise to the myth that sometimes "no" means "yes".

I have no time for people like her.