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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset by this

94 replies

Blindsided49 · 05/09/2017 21:29

I'm sorry this is so long winded..

DH has been doing some work with a clothing retail and visiting their head office. There's a staff shop on site selling sample sizes off cheap. He's bought load of stuff for himself and a couple of friends. Incidentally, sample sizes of this particular brand would never fit me!

Anyway, one of his female colleagues asked him to buy her some things and she'd pay him back, with instructions to buy shorts t-shirts etc. He selected the items. Fine. We then went on holiday before he'd seen her. Whilst on holiday he received a message from her saying thanks for buying them, he asked if size was ok, she replied by sending him pics of herself modelling the clothes. It was really short shorts, tight t-shirts and a mini dress. I was right next to him when pics came through so I couldn't help but see them. I was a bit WTF?? I said I wasn't too impressed by this.

Anyway, it played on my mind for the rest of the holiday, so when we got home I snooped (I know, I know. I've never done it before but something was bothering me about this). I found messages between them, pretty bog standard stuff except for a few;

One after their Christmas do with him saying he was sad he hadn't managed to chat to her and then saying, "I'll be thinking of you (over Christmas) x"
Her asking him to buy her the clothes and she'd pay him back. He replied with, "well if I'm buying you clothes I'll get the shortest of short skirts I can find!"
Then he'd carefully laid them all out on OUR bed, photographed them and sent the pic with "did I do ok? No tiny skirts ☹️"

There is nothing there to suggest anything has actually happened but I am fucking gutted. It's just so intimate. He knows I've seen the messages and he knows I'm really upset. He's admitted that he finds her attractive but she's just a friend. Hmm It's made me feel utterly shit about myself. She's 10 years younger, lovely figure. Her FB feed is full of her posing in swimming suits etc. I don't think she's in the least bit interested in him but why send him pics of herself modelling the fucking clothes HE chose for her???

I've asked him loads of questions and will continue to do so. It's like picking a scab.

Am I overreacting? I just don't know how to feel.

OP posts:
Sunnydaysrock · 05/09/2017 21:32

I would be incredibly upset too. It's not ok to send messages like that. What does he say?

Aquamarine1029 · 05/09/2017 21:34

You're not overreacting. Your husband is way out of bounds. I'd be wondering what else he's been up to.

missmollyhadadolly · 05/09/2017 21:34

You're not overeacting, and what he is doing and texting is inappropriate.

And never feel guilty for snooping when your spidey senses tingles.

What do you want to do?

GodIsDead · 05/09/2017 21:35

That's bang out of order. I'd be fuming if my DH did that! You are definitely not overreacting. He is behaving like a scumbag.

Original poster
Blindsided49 · 05/09/2017 21:38

He's very apologetic, says he gets why I'm so upset but it was just messing about. The short skirt stuff is apparently referencing a conversation a few of them had had about men liking short skirts Hmm

Incidentally, i found all the messages on his iPad which I and our DCs know the password to. In some ways that makes it worse...he couldn't be arsed deleting or making it secret.

OP posts:
nodogsinthebedroom · 05/09/2017 21:38

I'm not sure what to advise but I don't think you are unreasonable to be upset, he was out of order and disloyal. Flowers

Original poster
Blindsided49 · 05/09/2017 21:42

I'm turning into a loon though. I keep checking his messages and scrolling through his FB. I have never done that before. He hasn't seen her for weeks as we've been in holiday, she's been on holiday and he's been working at home a lot.

What I really want to do is tell her I'm delighted that she loves the clothes he bought her but could she kindly refrain from sending him provocative pics as his DCs could stumble across them. Oh, and pay no heed to the short skirt perviness...just a touch of the old mid-life crisis.

But I can't can I? I'll look insane.

OP posts:
specialsubject · 05/09/2017 21:44

Its not you that should feel bad about yourself. What the hell is he playing at?

2littlemoos · 05/09/2017 21:44

Oh OP how shit!

I have no advice but if it was me I would struggle to move on from this Flowers

ILoveDolly · 05/09/2017 21:47

No, you can't. Tempting but I think you'll just have to keep your opinion between yourself and your husband. It's ok to tell him his conversations are inappropriate af. My husband works with a lot of young women and I kind of tease him about it sometimes, but if he had this exchange with one and those pictures in return I'd be very clear in my dissatisfaction.

Original poster
Blindsided49 · 05/09/2017 21:47

So what do I do? By the way, he's always trying to get me to wear short skirts. I now feel like I'm just being used for sex because I'm simply there.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 05/09/2017 21:49

He's the issue here really and you know it. You'll just look jealous if you send her that message, and that's how she will read it, you're mad with jealousy. I doubt you want her knowing that.. He's admitted he fancies her and you know he's being flirting. If you send her the message they will discuss it together and it will get worse.

I'm not sure what to advise on his score, but don't send her the message, it won't do you any good. 💐

smurfit · 05/09/2017 21:51

The fact he wasn't trying to hide it as such is a good thing to my mind. In my experience, when people start hiding things is when there is really something to worry about. It does sound a little like a bad joke that's taken on a life of its own and become inappropriate (even if not intentional?) flirting.

Yanbu to be upset at all.

Original poster
Blindsided49 · 05/09/2017 21:52

I won't send it but I really, really want her to know I've seen the pics and what has been said. I can't bear the thought of her thinking I'm oblivious.

I've told him he's the problem not her. But I've exactly been complimentary about her.

I have no idea how to move on from this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blindsided49 · 05/09/2017 21:54

I took screenshots just in case it was all deleted. I'm such a cliche.

OP posts:
Birdchangedname · 05/09/2017 21:55

You are not wrong to feel this isn't appropriate behaviour. Don't let him make you feel that you are.
Flowers

PollyFlint · 05/09/2017 21:56

YANBU to be upset. Even if it's just flirtation, it's gone way too far and I can absolutely see why you're feeling hurt and suspicious. I would be too. I think you definitely need a very serious talk with your DP about this and he needs to stop brushing it off as nothing. It's not nothing. It's disrespectful towards you.

mintich · 05/09/2017 21:57

I'd be fuming! To be honest I'd stop them texting etc and id make sure she knew to leave him alone too

Aquamarine1029 · 05/09/2017 21:57

Don't even consider sending that woman a message. No good will come of it and the problem you have is with your husband. Deflecting blame to her is pointless. I would be suspicious and very angry at his rationale that he was "just messing about" with this woman. How would he like it If you had carried on with another man like this by sending inappropriate texts and pics of yourself in revealing outfits. I can promise he would see it as far more than just "messing about." What a fucking dickhead.

EezerGoode · 05/09/2017 21:59

10 yrs younger than him...unless he's very fit and handsome ,I expect she's toying with him like a cat with a mouse..she won't have any intention of shagging him,he's probably far to old for her...but he's lapping up the thought of it..that would fuck me off..it all sounds a bit dirty old man ish ,with the short skirts..yeah I wouldn't like it one bit if I were in yr shoes...dh would be told to get to fuck..a bit like Rooney an indiscretion..

Booboobooboo84 · 05/09/2017 22:01

If she is the kind of woman to put pictures like she sent your husband publicly on her instagram it may be that she had no intention of getting your husbands attention beyond a compliment. Not great but not intentionally out to hurt you.

Your husband is who you should stay mad at

Original poster
Blindsided49 · 05/09/2017 22:03

He hasn't liked or commented on anything she's posted on social media since I asked him not to. I've asked him not to go out after work when she'll be there. Etc etc

She is very outgoing, loud and flirty. I know this. But he seems to have fallen for it. What a twat.

OP posts:
EezerGoode · 05/09/2017 22:05

Maybe he needs a few nights on the sofa ,while you think your relationship over..let him sweat a bit,thinking he's done some damage to the family...which he has ,he's hurt yr feelings..I'd be saying I need time and space to think this through..and I'd like the bedroom to myself for a few nights..let him stew on the sofa for a bit

Original poster
Blindsided49 · 05/09/2017 22:06

BooBoo I don't think I've been considered at all by her. Or him, clearly. Yes, i think she's teasing him because it's fucking obvious he's interested.

OP posts:
JayneAusten · 05/09/2017 22:07

Yes don't embarrass yourself by sending that message.

If you want her to know you've seen, how about responding, 'I've received these messages on the iPad, I'll make sure hubby gets them after he's finished putting the kids to bed' (or similar). Just make her feel really silly for sending those to a married man.

But yes, he is your problem, not her. He's been hugely disrespectful and pathetic really.