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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset by this

94 replies

Blindsided49 · 05/09/2017 21:29

I'm sorry this is so long winded..

DH has been doing some work with a clothing retail and visiting their head office. There's a staff shop on site selling sample sizes off cheap. He's bought load of stuff for himself and a couple of friends. Incidentally, sample sizes of this particular brand would never fit me!

Anyway, one of his female colleagues asked him to buy her some things and she'd pay him back, with instructions to buy shorts t-shirts etc. He selected the items. Fine. We then went on holiday before he'd seen her. Whilst on holiday he received a message from her saying thanks for buying them, he asked if size was ok, she replied by sending him pics of herself modelling the clothes. It was really short shorts, tight t-shirts and a mini dress. I was right next to him when pics came through so I couldn't help but see them. I was a bit WTF?? I said I wasn't too impressed by this.

Anyway, it played on my mind for the rest of the holiday, so when we got home I snooped (I know, I know. I've never done it before but something was bothering me about this). I found messages between them, pretty bog standard stuff except for a few;

One after their Christmas do with him saying he was sad he hadn't managed to chat to her and then saying, "I'll be thinking of you (over Christmas) x"
Her asking him to buy her the clothes and she'd pay him back. He replied with, "well if I'm buying you clothes I'll get the shortest of short skirts I can find!"
Then he'd carefully laid them all out on OUR bed, photographed them and sent the pic with "did I do ok? No tiny skirts ☹️"

There is nothing there to suggest anything has actually happened but I am fucking gutted. It's just so intimate. He knows I've seen the messages and he knows I'm really upset. He's admitted that he finds her attractive but she's just a friend. Hmm It's made me feel utterly shit about myself. She's 10 years younger, lovely figure. Her FB feed is full of her posing in swimming suits etc. I don't think she's in the least bit interested in him but why send him pics of herself modelling the fucking clothes HE chose for her???

I've asked him loads of questions and will continue to do so. It's like picking a scab.

Am I overreacting? I just don't know how to feel.

OP posts:
user1490607838 · 05/09/2017 22:10

FFS, men have their heads turned so easily don't they, when they have their fucking pathetic ego massaged.

How the fuck would they like it if WE behaved like this?

Cunts.

YANBU OP. He is a disgrace and I would seriously think about seperating for a while, just while you get your head cleared.

He finds her attractive but she is just a friend??? What an utter fucking cockwomble. OMG I am fuming on your behalf OP!

I reckon, given half a chance, he would fuck her. I'm not kidding.

I have to agree with previous posters, he is coming across as a desperate, dirty old man.

YOU have no reason to feel unattractive or wretched; HE should be the one feeling like a twat. You should be laughing at him! TWAT. Angry

ARGHHHHH! I am so upset for you. Sad

Booboobooboo84 · 05/09/2017 22:11

The thing is OP she's under no obligation to consider your feelings. Because some wives would be fine with her behaviour. Your not and that's fine and valid and your DH knew that before he engaged with giving attention

ShellyBoobs · 05/09/2017 22:13

He hasn't liked or commented on anything she's posted on social media since I asked him not to. I've asked him not to go out after work when she'll be there. Etc etc

Was that before or after the pics you found while snooping?

I'm wondering if there's more to it, as in we're you already suspicious of what he was getting up to with her?

Either way, I'd be none too impressed with finding those messages either, OP. Flowers

thathappened · 05/09/2017 22:16

Don't wNt to mention it really but has she actually paid for the clothes? She's flirting and probably thinking it's harmless but also might think it might be a way not to pay. I would keep your dignity and expect him to provide lots if reassurance from now on. Selfish Idiots the pair of them!

ILoveDolly · 05/09/2017 22:16

She probably is just toying with him for fun. I doubt she's considering anyone really, not him, not you.
I think angry honesty is best. Tell him how it makes you feel, about the being used etc. I personally wouldn't reject him by making him sleep on the sofa, you want him to know that you are hurt because you love him and his disloyalty or simple gullibility damages your relationship. If he's towing your line by staying away and being apologetic, then I think it must have been an momentary judgement lapse rather than more sinister philandering

Original poster
Blindsided49 · 05/09/2017 22:17

Shelly afterwards.

I've heard her name a few times and teased him about her (she likes a hobby that he also likes). I knew he'd bought the clothes for her but until the pics popped up I had no idea there was anything to be suspicious about.

OP posts:
UnicornTears · 05/09/2017 22:17

You deserve better OP. He is clearly very into her. She is putting it on a plate for him so i doubt she isnt interested. Or why would she send the pics to him, that takes a lot of effort for someone you arent interested in IMO. Just mulling it over and i think you need to consider your relationship. YANBU at all i would be turfing him.

ChicRock · 05/09/2017 22:18

If she's the type to post this kind of picture on social media then I doubt she thought too much into sending your DH those pics.

If anything she's probably having a right laugh with the other young women in the office that she's got the dirty old office perv running errands for her, while he's rubbing his thighs and making remarks about short skirts like some kind of sad Carry On character.

I think a few nights of thinking time in the spare room - for him, of course - is the least that's required.

Original poster
Blindsided49 · 05/09/2017 22:19

thathappened funnily enough, no she hasn't yet!!! He's not seen her since he bought the clothes.

OP posts:
BackieJerkhart · 05/09/2017 22:21

There is nothing there to suggest anything has actually happened

Yes there is because what he has done is something. It isn't nothing. It's fucking disgraceful.

whataloadoftoshasusual · 05/09/2017 22:22

Send her a message from you saying that you are glad she liked the clothes but she shouldn't have gone to all the effort of sending a photograph of each one and could she also transfer the cash - thanks.
nice and breezy.

CleopatraCatLover · 05/09/2017 22:22

Yanbu, I'd be very upset and fucking angry if it was my dp and wtf telling you he fancies her, what an utter knob Angry

diddl · 05/09/2017 22:24

I doubt that she's interested in him beyond his use in getting clothes at a discount for her.

Imo he was quite daft to get involved at all.

As for asking if the size was OK...Hmm

UnicornTears · 05/09/2017 22:24

user1490607838 im in stitches totally agree with you lol cockwomble , we are fuming for you OP as you can see we disagree with other posts and he is definately loving the ego massage. Men can be so vile so can women but thats not the point

cremedelashite · 05/09/2017 22:24

Yanbu. He's out of line. Way out. I'd be inclined to text her "your name here, Looking good pet. I think your skirt could be a little shorter and your pout could be a litter bigger 😄. You don't want grandpa here to be perving on ya. Send them to a nice boy your own age x

user1490607838 · 05/09/2017 22:28

@unicorntears

Grin
SeaWitchly · 05/09/2017 22:29

You deserve better OP. He is clearly very into her. She is putting it on a plate for him so i doubt she isnt interested. Or why would she send the pics to him, that takes a lot of effort for someone you arent interested in IMO. Just mulling it over and i think you need to consider your relationship.

^ This.

So sorry OP but I don't think this is innocent at all. In fact it feels like they are both working up to something even more inappropriate with the flirty messages and photos of her modelling the clothes. They are letting each other know they are both interested and willing imo.
I would also be reconsidering your relationship tbh Sad

awifeyforlifey · 05/09/2017 22:31

YADNBU. When my now DH and I were dating, there was a girl he'd liked at one point who was always trying to keep in touch with him. One time, he left in the middle of our date to go hang out with her alone at her place. I had cancer at the time and saw him only once a week because of the commute; because of this I asked him not to go. He went.

I ended up asking him to stop contacting/texting her, because she was the only female friend of his that caused problems. To his credit, he was truly clueless (I was his first girlfriend), and he did.

After we married, she continued to text him, although he always showed me and never replied. Finally, two years into our marriage, I grabbed his phone and told her to stop texting my husband. She never did it again.

My husband would've done it himself if he hadn't cut off contact. She wasn't blocked because she'd wait so long in between that we thought she was done. If you're having issues like the ones you're describing however, you have a DH problem, my a pushy girl problem. You should definitely talk.

Lanaorana2 · 05/09/2017 22:31

OP, there's a lot of egging you on to fury here. Temper won't fix this.

A lot of galz now put up revealing pix on SM, text, insta - it's endless and means nowt to them. She really isn't trying to steal your man. You'll look OTT if you suggest she is.

But have a go at DH - he's been a bit of a lech, hasn't he, and made a fool of himself. Explain how badly you've been put off him by his behaviour. Tell him you're really put out by him showing himself up so badly. And you're sadly unimpressed by the Carry on behaviour - it's not attractive in any man.

ChicRock · 05/09/2017 22:34

awifey in this case it's the DH doing all the chasing and initiating contact. He's fishing.

BabsGanoush · 05/09/2017 22:34

I'm sorry but I would be tempted to message her 'stop send cheap photos of yourself in skimpy clothing, and find someones else's husband to flirt with'

Original poster
Blindsided49 · 05/09/2017 22:37

I've already pointed out to him that she probably doesn't fancy him and that she's probably laughing at him behind his back.

OP posts:
TheLegendOfBeans · 05/09/2017 22:38

Unfortunately here's the crux of the matter: your trust in him has taken a huge thump. The equivalent of knocking the front bumper off a Bentley.

What happens next could be pretty crucial as a failure to address what's happened properly could lead to mistrust and paranoia.

It sounds drastic but it could be that the best course of action is counselling. This is not a LTB offence and it sounds like you have an otherwise fair relationship. It'd be a shame if this breach of trust - and it is and completely his fault - ended up putting your marriage into terminal decline.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/09/2017 22:39

Personally, I don't think this tart of a young woman is "the problem." Clearly, your husband is out there looking and I think it would be foolhardy to think she's the only one who catches his gaze. There are TONS of attractive women out there. The problem lies with him and his seeming "need" for attention and stroking his pathetic ego.

converseandjeans · 05/09/2017 22:41

YANBU to be upset - but he is just making himself look really silly. It sounds like he is flattered by the attention. Not sure where you go from here. I would also be tempted to message her!