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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so upset by this

94 replies

Blindsided49 · 05/09/2017 21:29

I'm sorry this is so long winded..

DH has been doing some work with a clothing retail and visiting their head office. There's a staff shop on site selling sample sizes off cheap. He's bought load of stuff for himself and a couple of friends. Incidentally, sample sizes of this particular brand would never fit me!

Anyway, one of his female colleagues asked him to buy her some things and she'd pay him back, with instructions to buy shorts t-shirts etc. He selected the items. Fine. We then went on holiday before he'd seen her. Whilst on holiday he received a message from her saying thanks for buying them, he asked if size was ok, she replied by sending him pics of herself modelling the clothes. It was really short shorts, tight t-shirts and a mini dress. I was right next to him when pics came through so I couldn't help but see them. I was a bit WTF?? I said I wasn't too impressed by this.

Anyway, it played on my mind for the rest of the holiday, so when we got home I snooped (I know, I know. I've never done it before but something was bothering me about this). I found messages between them, pretty bog standard stuff except for a few;

One after their Christmas do with him saying he was sad he hadn't managed to chat to her and then saying, "I'll be thinking of you (over Christmas) x"
Her asking him to buy her the clothes and she'd pay him back. He replied with, "well if I'm buying you clothes I'll get the shortest of short skirts I can find!"
Then he'd carefully laid them all out on OUR bed, photographed them and sent the pic with "did I do ok? No tiny skirts ☹️"

There is nothing there to suggest anything has actually happened but I am fucking gutted. It's just so intimate. He knows I've seen the messages and he knows I'm really upset. He's admitted that he finds her attractive but she's just a friend. It's made me feel utterly shit about myself. She's 10 years younger, lovely figure. Her FB feed is full of her posing in swimming suits etc. I don't think she's in the least bit interested in him but why send him pics of herself modelling the fucking clothes HE chose for her???

I've asked him loads of questions and will continue to do so. It's like picking a scab.

Am I overreacting? I just don't know how to feel.

OP posts:

Threenme · 05/09/2017 22:41

I don't think you're wrong to be upset at all. I also think you've not turned into a lion they've pushed you that way! I was woken by a message on dh phone daft o clock in morning, from a woman "why are you ignoring me"? I text her straight back- "it's his wife, what do you want to talk about at 3am"? Woke him straight up went mental, adamant nothing in it, how can I be mad blah blah. I regret it even now if I'd not been so pissed off at seeing it I'd have texted her back as him see what crack was! I still wonder occasionally even tho no real reason to suspect anything. Really didn't have my wits about me.

JanetStWalker · 05/09/2017 22:43

She's a slutty little bitch and he's incredibly foolish at best. I'd be upset and fucking furious to boot!

Threenme · 05/09/2017 22:44

Loon*

overduemamma · 05/09/2017 22:46

I'd of lost my shit and messaged the girl so she knew I knew but that's just me. Hope you manage to sort things OP x

AcrossthePond55 · 05/09/2017 22:46

His behaviour was inappropriate.

But what would bother me just as much was that half-assed apology. When someone says "I'm sorry but...." they aren't taking full responsibility for their action. They're making an excuse, minimizing it, or saying that it was beyond their control. It wasn't. His apology should have been "I am sorry. It was wrong of me and disrespectful to you". Not "I'm sorry but it was just messing about". Would he think it was 'just messing' about if the shoe were on the other foot and you had been messaging a co-worker and buying him tight t-shirts and skinny jeans that showed off his package? Yeah, didn't think so!

When someone gives me a 'but' apology I'm always left with a niggling doubt that they're also the type to find some reason to excuse even worse behaviour.

I'm pretty sure that 'nothing happened' and your DH's behaviour was just a bit of 'stroking his own ego' by way of flirty behaviour. But if your trust hasn't been broken, it has been 'dented' a bit. He needs to earn it back.

GabsAlot · 05/09/2017 22:47

whatever shes up to isnt your concern your dh however is anothr matter

he fancies someone at work and is flirting with them

and whats this about he wants you to wear short skirts?

NSEA · 05/09/2017 22:47

He said he finds her attractive!? I would be gutted. She is not the problem. She doesn't need to know you have seen anything (he will tell her you're not happy anyway - to gain sympathy) but he needs a massive leson in how to respect your wife/partner.

Ellisandra · 05/09/2017 22:51

I'm sorry OP, I'd feel just like you about him

But I'm really saddened by the comments of "slut" and "tart" on here, and references to the short shorts. I'm 44 and I wear shorter shorts now than I ever have, because fashion has them that length now. I have young adult stepdaughters and I see their friends (more than my SDs, really) in very short skirts / dresses / shorts. It's the style right now. She didn't send unsolicited underwear shots. He asked about the clothes - she showed them. As others have said - she most likely thought nothing of it, many young women share their outfits on insta all the time. They may be looking for compliments - or may not - but it doesn't have to be flirting. Remember these are clothes that their company sells. To them, these are ordinary clothes.

This woman is not a tart or a slut because shd wears short clothes, or shares pictures of them.

You are right, that he is your problem not her.

Threenme · 05/09/2017 22:52

Today 22:47 GabsAlot

whatever shes up to isnt your concern your dh however is anothr matter

I disagree I think as women we have a responsibility not to act slutty or worse with married men!

Threenme · 05/09/2017 22:52

Although I agree the main grievance is with 'd'h

Threenme · 05/09/2017 22:55

Ellisadnra it's not slut shaming he asked about clothes pics completely unneeded what was wrong with just "fine thanks"!

JanetStWalker · 05/09/2017 22:55

This woman is not a tart or a slut because shd wears short clothes, or shares pictures of them.

Sharing pictures of herself in said short clothes to a married man is pretty slutty to be fair.

laurielee23 · 05/09/2017 22:57

Completely and utterly out of order. I would be absolutely furious if I were you. To be honest if he doesn't see this is wrong he is not worth sticking with.

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 05/09/2017 23:01

I'd be upset too OP. He is flirting and so is she.

godconfusion · 05/09/2017 23:02

I'd be fuming OP

And I wouldn't be able to handle them working together if I'm honest after this

He's broken your trust massively and needs to earn it back speedily or this will probably end things eventually... if trust isn't regained swiftly

Ellisandra · 05/09/2017 23:04

It isn't definitely slutty at all.

I can't rule out that the pictures were deliberately sent to titilate and flirt with him - I'm not her, I don't know her motivations.

But they both work in clothing retail. These are the clothes they sell. Even without the industry back ground I don't think it's necessarily wrong to send them. We communicate in pictures (via WhatsApp, insta etc) so much these days. I sent my fiancé flowers last week. He could have sent me "thank you" - instead he sent a pic of the flowers and wrote "thank you" on the photo. I know flowers aren't shorts but I think photos are a really common way to communicate.

Her behaviour might be perfectly innocent and it saddens me that people are piling in against her.

He however is bang out of order

HappylandToysEverywhere · 05/09/2017 23:05

I'd be kicking him out for a few days at least!

Oh and btw, to a PP - What does "Get to fuck" mean?? Genuine question. Never heard that expression before

Aquamarine1029 · 05/09/2017 23:08

@Ellisandra, I used the word "tart" to describe this woman because that is exactly what she is. She sends a married man pics of her in revealing clothing simply begging for attention, not to mention the inappropriate texts. She's just as pathetic as the op's husband is. The husband is the one at fault in regards to his marriage, but she is no innocent bystander.

AnyFucker · 05/09/2017 23:09

I would lose all respect for a man that acted like this.

TheLegendOfBeans · 05/09/2017 23:11

Happyland

"Get to fuck" / "Get tae fuck" = Scottish for "do one".

Bodear · 05/09/2017 23:13

OP, I really feel for you. It's a massive breach of your trust in him. He's been a fool and I hope he is ashamed and embarrassed. Maybe he needs to really understand what monogomy about (in my opinion it's much much more than just not swapping bodily fluids with someone else).
I'm amazed at the number of pp blaming the woman. She owes you nothing and has made you no promises. Even if she did mean to flirt, that's her prerogative. It's your OH's responsibility to ignore and diffuse.

AskBasil · 05/09/2017 23:14

Oh please can we stop with the misogynistic language.

OP your DH is engaging in pre-affair behaviour. This is exactly the sort of pushing of boundaries that happens before that final boundary goes. When people do this, they're in denial about the fact that they're working up to having an affair. At this stage, they can still realise the path they're on and pull back from it.

Or they can pretend that it's no big deal, it's just friendship, just a bit of fun and carry on down that path. Then they say "it just happened". Well it doesn't just happen, there are events that lead up to it and each event brings people closer to an affair. You described in your OP, the sort of events.

How your DH behaves, will tell you what he's planning.

DaviesMum · 05/09/2017 23:16

You need to watch series one of Dr Foster on Netflix for pointers, OP.

Threenme · 05/09/2017 23:22

Davismum bit them maybe not follow her exact course of action!

Fanciedachange17 · 05/09/2017 23:23

He's been flirting with an attractive younger girl and probably felt all good about himself. FWIW I don't think she is interested in him but just enjoys attention (don't we all?). It's normal to communicate in pictures and social media is so quick and fast nearly everyone does it. Yes the skirts were short and so was the minidress but she gave him the orders and this is what she wears. Not to impress him but this is her style. She's young with a great figure. He has also bought for other people.
The distasteful part is he fancies her and if the opportunity arose would probably have acted on it. This makes him an arse but not really worse than 80% of men. Op mentions she cannot fit into the sample sizes so I wonder if confidence is an issue?
You can work through this if he is suitably contrite but perhaps you may not want to?

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