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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my 2 year old dd for 1 month

94 replies

SarahJane333 · 05/09/2017 11:54

I've been diagnosed with a very serious condition. There is a treatment that is still in clinical trials in the UK but that is offered abroad, which costs over £40,000. This treatment will completely cure patients in 80 - 90% of cases. We can just about afford this but my youngest would be just over 2 when we went. Would you leave a child of this age? I'm terrified of the psychological damage I might do to her. My husband could stay with the children but I have to have someone with me ( they won't let me have it done without a carer) so I would have to find someone else which would be almost impossible or pay for a carer. Selfishly I can't imagine going through it without my dh being with me, it's a tough treatment with chemo, central lines and all sorts. I feel I have to have it done and the sooner the better but I'm torn about my youngest.

Aibu to leave her in this situation? Would you do it or would you wait a year or two until she was better able to understand? Although in that time my condition could seriously deteriorate.

OP posts:
HolidayTimeAgain · 05/09/2017 11:57

In your circumstances I would have the treatment asap.

Babyiwantabump · 05/09/2017 11:59

I would have the treatment

Boosiehs · 05/09/2017 12:00

Totally have the treatment asap. Protecting your heath for the future should be the most important factor.

She wont remember this time away. I would try and find someone else to take with you. Parent?

sunshinesupermum · 05/09/2017 12:01

So sorry you are in this situation but yes agree with pp - have the treatment ASAP.

DressedCrab · 05/09/2017 12:01

Have the treatment. Good luck.

Ameliablue · 05/09/2017 12:02

Yes. The alternative will likely have a worse effect. At 2 she will let be upset and won't understand BUT at that age they will adapt and won't really remember much afterwards. Waiting would make her more likely to remember and she would likely to still be as upset.

WineAndTiramisu · 05/09/2017 12:03

Can't you all go? Although then your husband would be looking after you and the kids, but may be the best option.

Definitely get the treatment

Gileswithachainsaw · 05/09/2017 12:03

Go for the treatment. Flowers

Belmo · 05/09/2017 12:03

I would absolutely have the treatment.

In almost any other circumstances I'd say don't leave her, but the damage of not having her mum would be worse wouldn't it, and your health comes first.

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 05/09/2017 12:04

Have the treatment. It's maximising yours and DD's opportunities for the future. Flowers

Friolero · 05/09/2017 12:05

I would go for the treatment too. I know it'll be hard to leave her but sounds by far the best option for your longer term health. I hope it goes well Flowers

HPandBaconSandwiches · 05/09/2017 12:05

Are you SURE this amazing treatment has been properly tested in the country you're going to? It seems very odd that such a treatment isn't available in the UK (even to pay for) that it's still at the trial stage.
Have you had good advice from your specialist rather than just the internet?

If this is really your only option, and it really has to be done abroad, then yes you should go. But it may be considerably more that £40000 - what if you get complications? Need ICU? Need medical transfer back to the uk? No insurance will cover you. You or your family could end up in hundreds of thousand of debt.

It's not leaving the 2 year old that would worry me so much as the risk you're taking with this choice.

I'm truly sorry you're so seriously ill.

Lovingmybear2 · 05/09/2017 12:06

You being there and well is in her long term benefit and massively outweighs this.

Good luck op Flowers

upperlimit · 05/09/2017 12:07

I would go.

Is there any way you could all go and get babysitters for when you need your DH to be with you during treatment?

XJerseyGirlX · 05/09/2017 12:09

Have your treatment OP, im so sorry your ill xx

ineedwine99 · 05/09/2017 12:09

I would have the treatment, it'll be tough but you being around in the long term is worth it. All the best OP Flowers

AfunaMbatata · 05/09/2017 12:11

Get the treatment, you can use FaceTime to ease things .

guineapig1 · 05/09/2017 12:13

I second HP's concerns. However in answer to your question, if this is the only viable option then yes go. Presumably you have a family member/close friend who they are familiar with lined up to care for your DC. If so, they will be absolutely fine - a month is such a short period of time in the grand scheme of things.

Hope things get more positive for you soon

UnicornSparkles1 · 05/09/2017 12:13

Get the treatment asap. I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation Flowers

wheredoesallthetimego · 05/09/2017 12:14

What HP said. What's the condition and the treatment? Which country?

Original poster
SarahJane333 · 05/09/2017 12:14

Thank you everyone. I'm so shocked I honestly thought everyone would say I was terribly selfish and to put her first - mum guilt at it's finest.

The treatment is good and effective. It's actually done on the NHS in very rare cases at the moment but is currently only accessible to people who have deteriorated much further than myself. It's used here as a last ditch solution rather than being used in the earlier stages (where it's actually proven to be more effective and less riaky). The idea is that it will become more available on the NHS once the clinical trials have been completed but that be several years away.

I would love to take the children but it's not practical, they would miss a month of school, there would be no one to look after them, I need to be in a completely sterile environment for a good chunk of the treatment and many other factors. I have no one else to take, I'm adopted and my own parent situation is complex, my friends all work and have young children as do my siblings. My dh is really the only choice.

OP posts:
Tiptoethr0ughthetulips · 05/09/2017 12:16

Go get the treatment, maybe she could come with you for some of the time, maybe not? Either way you need to go to enable a brighter future for you and your family. Good luck. Xx

sog74 · 05/09/2017 12:16

Have the treatment!

SandBlue · 05/09/2017 12:17

Who would you leave the kids with? If they are with someone they know and trust, and the benefits are as big as you are suggesting, do it.

Nanna50 · 05/09/2017 12:18

Who is going to look after your children?