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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave my 2 year old dd for 1 month

94 replies

SarahJane333 · 05/09/2017 11:54

I've been diagnosed with a very serious condition. There is a treatment that is still in clinical trials in the UK but that is offered abroad, which costs over £40,000. This treatment will completely cure patients in 80 - 90% of cases. We can just about afford this but my youngest would be just over 2 when we went. Would you leave a child of this age? I'm terrified of the psychological damage I might do to her. My husband could stay with the children but I have to have someone with me ( they won't let me have it done without a carer) so I would have to find someone else which would be almost impossible or pay for a carer. Selfishly I can't imagine going through it without my dh being with me, it's a tough treatment with chemo, central lines and all sorts. I feel I have to have it done and the sooner the better but I'm torn about my youngest.

Aibu to leave her in this situation? Would you do it or would you wait a year or two until she was better able to understand? Although in that time my condition could seriously deteriorate.

OP posts:

LittleLionMansMummy · 05/09/2017 15:00

Having a mum who is in good health and around long term by far outweighs the short term psychological consequences op. An awful situation, but this is a massively positive opportunity that you can't afford to let go. Stay strong and good luck

LittleLionMansMummy · 05/09/2017 15:00

And yes, Skype/ Face time or whatever.

Mumof41987 · 05/09/2017 15:02

Can she not go with you ?

peachgreen · 05/09/2017 15:09

Yes, absolutely do it, and take your DH. I really hope it works out for you OP.

(I don't think it can be MS though as I'm not aware of a "cure", even one in trials - have I missed something?)

Birdsgottafly · 05/09/2017 15:14

Skype or Facetime may be more upsetting than just not seeing you, it depends on the child.

It's lucky that you hvae a Nanny as that will be the consistancy, that is needed (and why we look for Carers in the family).

Speaking as a ex CP SW and dealing with children being temporaliy removed etc, generally any damage can be overcome.

There may be a level of anxiety shown when you return, but you can tackle that as and when and do so by looking up strategies and everyone being on board.

This won't be nothing to your child and as long as you/your DH and everyone Caring for the child acknoweldges that and responds correctly, then it can go fairy smoothly.

ujerneyson · 05/09/2017 15:15

Please go. I think I know the treatment and it will give you such a quality of life in the ned

heebiejeebie · 05/09/2017 15:17

Stem cell transplants for MS are offered outside clinical trials by the NHS and privately in the U.K. But I think only if a licenced drug hasn't controlled it.

Mamabear4180 · 05/09/2017 15:20

I'm so sorry about your situation and I hope this works for you. Please let go of mummy guilt, it's so much more important for your kids that you get better. Take OH with you, you need him. Stop feeling bad. Little one will be fine

Gannicusthemannicus · 05/09/2017 15:25

My mum was away for the majority of time I was a toddler, for treatments and hospital stays, with my dad going with her for most of it, and my dad also had to go away for months at a time for work. I had a fine time at home, with aunts and grandparents and my siblings. Children are remarkably resilient.

Personally I wouldn't try to take her, as difficult as it will be to be away from her, you need to concentrate on your treatment and keep to a sterile environment.

It is absolutely worth it to sacrifice a small amount of time in order to preserve your health for years to come. Your child will probably have a lovely time with her various babysitters and won't remember it a year down the line.

flownthecoopkiwi · 05/09/2017 15:31

If its for MS do it. Not that other conditions aren't awful or important but Ms is a cruel disease and do anything you can to stall it's progress. X

Booboobooboo84 · 05/09/2017 15:31

Go and get treated without even a mg of guilt about it. You need the treatment and your best bet of getting the most out of it is having your DH there.

Your children will be absolutely fine and will not be left scarred by the experience. It will be tough for you all but ultimately better than watching you deteriorate until you are eligible under the NHS for treatment.

BitOutOfPractice · 05/09/2017 15:38

OP, without a shadow of a doubt, go

I wish you all the very best with your treatment

jeaux90 · 05/09/2017 15:42

It's great you have the nanny I have one too (I'm a single mum)

Your kids would have the consistency they need and have the wrap around care of the rest of the family.

You can FaceTime with them every day at a set time perhaps.

Go OP. Just do it, it's the right answer x

Demander · 05/09/2017 15:50

People in the forces leave kids for longer with zero ill effects.
She won't remember being left.
I would not go to have a treatment if it wasn't available here in the circumstances you describe as it sounds flawed.
What is the treatment? What is the illness?
It seems unlikely that a treatment would be used only as illness worsened as it's a no brainier to medical people that the earlier one catches and treats a condition the less it's costs in the long run.

Ttbb · 05/09/2017 15:54

It will be less traumatic for her if you disappear for a month rather than her while life. Any way you could bring both DD and DH with you? Is there someone else who can go with you? A latent or a friend? Who would you leave your children with if your DH went with you?

Dutch1e · 05/09/2017 15:57

I don't have the disease but I accompanied someone who did. A month away from your kids is really hard - leaving them forever when you die from a stoppable illness is just wrong. Go.

Benedikte2 · 05/09/2017 16:05

Prepare your 2 year old by having her stay over with her carer for increasing periods. When you leave give her carer a number of packages that can be opened at opportune times -- wee gifts and cards with a message from mummy telling her you are getting better and will see her soon. Maybe provide a colourful calendar with the day's marked off. When you are on the mend you can Skype her. Be prepared for her to feel upset and to cry but it will soon pass and better that than to feel forgotten/ abandoned.
I was separated fro my parents because of my illness at 4 was in isolation and nc for 6 weeks and it had a profound affect on me messages and contact of some kind would have made a huge difference. (What made it worse was nobody explained why or how long plus I didn't feel sick). I was hospitalised when my DC was 2.5 and chose for her not to see me because the aftermath of surgery left temporarily left my face unrecognisable -- carer told me the wee packages were very helpful and there was no noticeable psychological damage.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 05/09/2017 16:20

I think those are brilliant suggestions Benedikte. I agree, it's important to help young ones feel secure and still in touch in a parent's absence.
I'm sorry you had such a horrible experience in isolation as a child. Just having everything explained to your 4 year-old self would have helped.

I love the idea of small parcels and a calendar.

Birdsgottafly · 05/09/2017 16:36

"People in the forces leave kids for longer with zero ill effects.
She won't remember being left."

Not both Parents, when they've been there from Birth.

Toddlers do show a levelof anxiety when they return,their behaviour can change and they need guiding through that. It's different if you are bought up in an extended family and your Parents going,or not beng the one's settling you of a night etc is the norm.

The OP should go, but everyoneshould be forming a plan and not just thinking it will all be fine and the two year old will need no consideration.

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