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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave my 2 year old dd for 1 month

94 replies

SarahJane333 · 05/09/2017 11:54

I've been diagnosed with a very serious condition. There is a treatment that is still in clinical trials in the UK but that is offered abroad, which costs over £40,000. This treatment will completely cure patients in 80 - 90% of cases. We can just about afford this but my youngest would be just over 2 when we went. Would you leave a child of this age? I'm terrified of the psychological damage I might do to her. My husband could stay with the children but I have to have someone with me ( they won't let me have it done without a carer) so I would have to find someone else which would be almost impossible or pay for a carer. Selfishly I can't imagine going through it without my dh being with me, it's a tough treatment with chemo, central lines and all sorts. I feel I have to have it done and the sooner the better but I'm torn about my youngest.

Aibu to leave her in this situation? Would you do it or would you wait a year or two until she was better able to understand? Although in that time my condition could seriously deteriorate.

OP posts:

Dreamscared · 05/09/2017 12:47

Have the treatment.
My Mum was seriously ill when I was the same age and in hospital for longer. I have no memory of it.

StormTreader · 05/09/2017 12:47

I wouldnt be put off by the fact the NHS cant provide it for you - the NHS is on its last few pennies, there are many treatments that ideally should be funded but just cant be afforded.

I would go for it, the older your daughter is, the more she will remember. If you can make those memories be of you being a mum thats healthy and active then surely thats worth a month of being away.

BumWad · 05/09/2017 12:49

Have the treatment. All the best

HPandBaconSandwiches · 05/09/2017 12:50

It's not that the treatment isn't available on the NHS, that wouldn't bother me. But this treatment cannot be accessed anywhere in the UK, even paid for from private doctors. So there is a problem with the treatment.

I don't know what the treatment is, but if it was that amazing, with low side effects, all properly proven, it would be available, even if you had to pay for it.

MGMidget · 05/09/2017 12:51

I would go ahead with the one month treatment abroad assuming the information you have been given is correct, i.e. 80-90% success rate, something you can afford (just) and not available in the UK. I think you are right that its not practical to take the children as you say will need to be in a sterile environment. Regular Facetime/Skype calls will definitely help (and also protect them perhaps from the awfulness of seeing first hand how you are during your treatment as I am guessing that might be the case that you are going to be poorly). Prolonging your life so that they have their mother is more of a priority than allowing yourself to deteriorate and risking unsuccessful treatment later just to wait until your 2 year old is a bit older. There are family to look after your two year old and the nanny. It looks like you have 4 children too which means there are older siblings so there should still be plenty of consistency for your two year old. So sorry you are having to face this. I hope it is a success.

Redredredrose · 05/09/2017 12:51

Is it for MS? One if my relatives had this, it's made a huge difference to her quality of life. She left a one year old and a four year old at home in Australia while she had it done on Russia. Better for your daughter to miss you fur a month and then have an active healthy mum back at the end of it.

MGMidget · 05/09/2017 12:52

And PS, I meant to say I would take your DH too.

coddiwomple · 05/09/2017 12:52

For a holiday? absolutely not

For a serious medical treatment? Of course!
I agree with above, do make sure it's completely genuine first.

I would leave my DH with the kids however. A month is too long without both parents if you can avoid it. My kids would have find it easier to stay home, in their environment, with their bed and toys than following me abroad where they would have very little, and I could not care for them. They would have been pretty ok with one of us away, but would have been a lot more upset without both of us. Other children are used to spend every single weekends at their grand-parents, so it's less of an issue for them.

The thing is, if you have a medical condition, you don't have a choice, there's no real question that you must get better for yourself and your family. So do not feel guilty, just get better. Good luck!

MyBrilliantDisguise · 05/09/2017 12:55

I wouldn't do it for any other reason, but for that I would definitely go. Is there any member of your family who could go with you? Is it in the US?

ADishBestEatenCold · 05/09/2017 12:59

My mother had to do exactly this with her eldest child (at that point, the only child).

She sent her child to live with her sister's family (the sister, her husband, and two slightly older cousins) for about six weeks, when said child was about eighteen months, while my mother had medical treatment and my father flitted back and forth between my mother, his work and occasional visits to his child and SIL's household.

Although very difficult for my mother, they mostly all said it had been fine. I think the hardest part (for my mother) was when it was all over, her child had bonded with the aunt a bit, and was distressed at being taken away again. Short lived, I gather!

Mooey89 · 05/09/2017 13:02

Just to reassure you Op - when my DS was 19 months I was hospitalised and in intensive care for 6 weeks, he stayed with my mum. I didn't see him at all because I was in and out of consciousness and in intensive care. It was hard when I first came home, I won't lie, but now he's 4 and doesn't remember it and there is no long term attachment issues.

Do it x

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 05/09/2017 13:03

It should be possible to prepare your children for your time away. Even a 2 year old can grasp simple information. Just that you are poorly and are going away for a while to have "medicine".

Maybe make up a calendar for the children so that they have an idea of the timescale and when you should be back? There are some good children's books about hospital visits and so on that might be suitable for your toddler.

Wishing you all the best

DamnSummerCold · 05/09/2017 13:11

I would like to point out the UK is one of the most regulated countries in the world with regards to drug trials.

And are currently leading the way with reference to trials in the treatment of MS.

£40.000 is nothing when it comes to your life but a hell of a lot to spend on snake oil

waterrat · 05/09/2017 13:13

I don't think you should take your husband - surely that is the line you draw where you put your childs needs first? You should absolutely go but your little one needs a parent to keep them feeling secure in your absence.

Original poster

SarahJane333 · 05/09/2017 13:16

Thank you all so much you have really helped me put things into perspective.

I've already exhausted the clinical trial avenue as that would have been my preferred option.

This treatment is proven to be very effective, I understand the science behind it and am confident that it has a good chance of working. The fact it's not available on the NHS to everyone with this condition is a limitation of the NHS and not the treatment itself.

I think the worries I have stem from my own abandonment issues surrounding my adoption. It's very comforting to hear from those of you who have had to leave your own LO's.

OP posts:

Dixiechickonhols · 05/09/2017 13:25

How old are your older dc? I wonder if you would be better going without Dh and maybe paying a carer to accompany you. I was suddenly seriously ill when dc was 9 months but she was cared for by Dh/my mum and fine. I needed major surgery 200 miles from home when dc was 8. took decision for Dh to stay with her and my mum helped. It was much harder on her and she needed continuity and emotional support - she was 8 and didn't know if I would die. I could FaceTime her and wave but not speak due to trachy plus I was and looked terribly ill. It was hard being alone without Dh but I was the adult and coped. I felt better knowing she had one parent but your nanny may fill that role. Best wishes whatever you decide.

WashBasketsAreUs · 05/09/2017 13:25

Not quite the same, but when I was expecting twins I was in hospital a lot towards the end. I had a nearly 3 year old and although she came in to see me it was a bit hit and miss, depending on her dad's work pattern. My mum stepped in and had her a lot, she was passed round a few friends here and there plus extra at play school. I was in for 2 weeks after I had the twins and again her coming to see us was a bit hit and miss.
She's nearly 30 now and is fine, very close to the twins. When young they really are fine as long as they are with people they know.

Argeles · 05/09/2017 13:25

I am so sorry to hear of your situation op, and I wish you all the very best with your treatment.

Please go for the treatment. I can't imagine how you must be feeling about leaving your daughter for 1 month, but I think she'll be perfectly fine.

The most important thing is for you to do all you can for yourself, so that you can experience better health and return to your children.

DamnSummerCold · 05/09/2017 13:26

Ok if you're happy with the science cool

D Dad apparently worked away for 6 months when I was little, aged 2 or so, he was a very hands on Dad...No memory of it

Mum had a few episodes of 2-3 week hospital admissions when I was 4-5, again no memory.

We were cared for by family, familiar people, again happy as clams to the point DSis questioned Mum recently saying they were no way she'd been in hospital that long (back in the days of 2-4 visiting hours no under 12's allowed).

Once they're with someone who loves and cares for them and Mummy being away isn't made in to a drama they'll be fine

Good luck with your treatment

OceanWaving · 05/09/2017 13:27

Go and take your DH.
To those saying it would be available privately or on the NHS, you just have to look a thing the hundreds of children with cerebral palsy fundraising for surgery abroad so they can walk. Not available here. Often if a treatment isn't available on the NHS because they haven't done the trials, they then aren't allowed to offer it privately either. There can be all the research in the world available in Europe and the US etc, but I feel it's not been researched in the UK it can't be allowed no the NHS or private.

OceanWaving · 05/09/2017 13:29

Also if you get complications and side effects when you are back in the UK, of course you would still get NHS treatment. They might need to liaise with your private treatment provider, but having the support of your consultant to go and get hte treatment will mean someone's to take over when you get back.
If someone say has a private breast enlargement and develops sepsis from it, of course they could still hvae an ambulance called and be treated in NHS with IV antibiotics etc, surgery if needed.

Dixiechickonhols · 05/09/2017 13:30

I held out for my major surgery for many reasons including worry about dc coping. I had a new procedure in Uk on NHS but one of first few and only offered by 1 Hospital in London . It is daunting decision few in real life can imagine. For me it worked, I'm healthy and it has totally transformed my life and my daughter's ( she sometimes says you couldn't have done this before when we are doing something)

justilou · 05/09/2017 13:56

This really is a no brainer. Do you honestly think that anyone is going to tell you to risk your life so you can have one month with your toddler? (That they won't remember?). Just do it.

Jux · 05/09/2017 13:57

I was thinking ms too - am aware of because i have ms. I would go through that hell for a 'cure' like the one they're trialling up in (Liverpool?) right now. Even if it only lasted 10 years, I'd do it, horrendous though it sounds.

Under the circumstances, with all that family help, I would have no hesitation in doing it, leaving my children at home.

Lweji · 05/09/2017 14:48

Go, take your OH, use skype daily.

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