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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave my 2 year old dd for 1 month

94 replies

SarahJane333 · 05/09/2017 11:54

I've been diagnosed with a very serious condition. There is a treatment that is still in clinical trials in the UK but that is offered abroad, which costs over £40,000. This treatment will completely cure patients in 80 - 90% of cases. We can just about afford this but my youngest would be just over 2 when we went. Would you leave a child of this age? I'm terrified of the psychological damage I might do to her. My husband could stay with the children but I have to have someone with me ( they won't let me have it done without a carer) so I would have to find someone else which would be almost impossible or pay for a carer. Selfishly I can't imagine going through it without my dh being with me, it's a tough treatment with chemo, central lines and all sorts. I feel I have to have it done and the sooner the better but I'm torn about my youngest.

Aibu to leave her in this situation? Would you do it or would you wait a year or two until she was better able to understand? Although in that time my condition could seriously deteriorate.

OP posts:

Original poster

SarahJane333 · 05/09/2017 12:18

We would have siblings and my dhs mum take it in turns to have the children at our home plus we have a nanny who would be the 'constant.' That isn't a stealth boast it's just cheaper than paying childcare for 4 children whilst we both work. We're not rich.

OP posts:

HPandBaconSandwiches · 05/09/2017 12:19

In that case OP, look into having the treatment privately in the UK. If no doctor here will give it, when it's paid for, not NHS, then there is a REASON for that.

Treatment here means side effects and complications will be picked up by the NHS. Unless you're very well off, the price of this treatment is likely to be out with your means abroad. I absolutely guarantee it will not stop at £40000.

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 05/09/2017 12:20

You should have the treatment if it's your best chance of recovery.

But you seem to be asking not if you're being unreasonable to go but whether you should take DH, right? You haven't said, though, who would be looking after the children.

Todaywashorrible · 05/09/2017 12:20

We had to leave dh for about 7 weeks just before our children turned one. Dh works from home so had been a very 'present' and close figure in their lives. We Skyped every day and the children just seemed to take it in their stride. They still "saw" daddy every day and spoke to him and were pleased to see him when we finally got back, neither clean not nor distant. It caused no drama at all, though I was terribly worried about it at the time.
Go for the treatment, it will be ok.

DamnSummerCold · 05/09/2017 12:21

Sorry but I'm with @HPandBaconSandwiches

There alot of rubbish on the net etc that the NHS won't fund treatments, they will if they are clinically proven to work.

I'm an ex-HCP who spent time in Oncology & hospice care and sadly saw far too many families fleeced by snake oil salesmen.

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 05/09/2017 12:21

x-post.

But still you should have phrased the question as 'AIBU to take DH with me', as that is actually what you are trying to decide.

Redpriestandmozart · 05/09/2017 12:22

I know exactly the treatment you are talking about, I have the same condition and yes in your position I would absolutely do it. Your future with a young family is much more important than the one month absence. You are aware that there is a two year recovery at home after the treatment, which will impact on your family life however the outcome should make it all worthwhile.

becotide · 05/09/2017 12:22

Yes, you need the treatment.

Zebrasinpyjamas · 05/09/2017 12:22

At just over two, you can explain things to her so it's not a complete surprise. There will be books you can read before. Your dh can record videos or face time her (if that helps her). I imagine there will be hard times during the month and afterwards as she gets used to you being back. I'd still do it though. If you have a deteriorating condition it's hard to argue otherwise (assuming your understanding of the treatment options is right). All the best to you.

Nanny0gg · 05/09/2017 12:23

Photo of you by their beds.
Skype/Face Time/Emails/Whatsapp/letters/cards
Arrange for little presents to be delivered a couple of times a week (or 'found' by them at home.
They'll be fine.

Good luck

Candlemiss · 05/09/2017 12:25

Go have the treatment. I had to leave my 20 month old for 3 weeks and was in an agony of remorse about the psychological damage I might be doing her. Pfft! She was fine. I was warned by a psychologist before I went that she might play me up when I got back, for disappearing, but it never happened. She was absolutely fine and doesn't even remember now she's grown up.

Todaywashorrible · 05/09/2017 12:26

HP makes a good point about complications. Can you not get private treatment in the U.K.?

LucasMummy2012 · 05/09/2017 12:26

No question, have the treatment. When my DS was 2.5 my DD was born with a rare and serious life threatening condition. My DH and I were at the hospital almost all the time with her for a month and my DS passed between friends and grandparents. He had a wonderful time and doesn't even remember it now (he's now 6).

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 05/09/2017 12:26

its a no brainer have the treatment OP

selfish, to have a life enhancing and extending treatment? no way

I wish you the very best, and remember to have a Mum for their lives is way more valuable that a measly month they wont even remember

KinkyFruits · 05/09/2017 12:27

We live abroad (longhaul). Last year, when my DCs were 2.5 and 5, my mum unexpectedly and very suddenly got very ill. I was on a plane that evening, and I spent the next 3 weeks at my mum's bedside. Sadly she didn't make it so DH and DCs flew in for the funeral, but by that time it had been over 3 weeks since I'd seen the kids. I missed them terribly, and I worried so much about leaving so suddenly, but they really honestly did fine. My DH had to hire a nanny from an agency so he could go to work. And it was all fine. We FaceTimed almost every night. They were a bit clingy the first few days I was back, but that may have had more to do with them seeing me so upset

I am so incredibly grateful for the time I was able to have with my mum those last few weeks. And my DCs so well. For a lifesaving treatment, I wouldn't think twice about going.

Candlemiss · 05/09/2017 12:28

Just caught up with your posts OP, and it looks even better. They'll be looked after by family and nanny who they're thoroughly used to.
Go get it done.

EternalOptimistToo · 05/09/2017 12:28

I would go with the treatment too. You ave clearly thought about it organisation wise so that there is as little disruption as possible for your dd.
Worth remembering too that some parents will also have too be away for that length of time for work too (army, needing to travel for work etc...) and their dcs haven't been 'damaged' by it!

I would also trust that you have looked at said treatment and have made an informed decision.

Fwiw plenty of treatments in the NHS arent trialed, plenty have been and we know they aren't working. And we also know that there are
som treatments available abroad but not here that are just as safe and successful. Being available on the NHS isn't a sign that a treatment is good or the right one for you. Just as not being available on the NHS isn't an automatic sign that the treatment is rubbish/dangerous or inefficient.

WomblingThree · 05/09/2017 12:29

Lots of people go away for work all the time; fishing fleets, oil workers, armed forces, and their children cope. At two, she will miss you for a while and then be excited when you get home but the bit in between will blur for her. You will be much more affected by it than she will.

sheep73 · 05/09/2017 12:30

Get the treatment. Your children will be fine. Find a relative or good friend to look after them. Good luck!!

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/09/2017 12:33

DamnSummer I know someone, whose partner was told by the NHS earlier this year they would remove his lung to stop his cancer from spreading. He lived part time in the UK and part time over there so he has insurance or residency in Switzerland (not sure which) so he went for a second opinion there. As a result, they upped sticks and moved over there.

In Switzerland he had an operation to remove a lobe and left the rest of the lung intact. He was also given a type of radiotherapy not available in the UK as the docs here said it was unavailable being too close to his heart. I assume the accuracy of the machine in Switzerland is better but that's an assumption.

I'm not saying that all treatment outside the uk is legitimate. Just that different countries have different protocols. Right now, this man is in remission and doing well. Had he had his lung removed over here, he would have been on oxygen and in a wheelchair for the rest of his life as he was also found to be suffering from COPD.

If you are definitely certain that the treatment will bear good results, I would go for it op.

hibbledobble · 05/09/2017 12:34

I would take the 2 year old and get childcare locally if necessary. At 2 they won't be missing school.

hazelnutlatte · 05/09/2017 12:36

Yes do have the treatment if you are very sure that it's the right thing to do. Is your UK consultant supportive of your decision? If not, please think very seriously why this is the case.
I think I know what treatment you are talking about and if it is the case then I have worked in clinical research in this condition and know lots of consultants who are heavily involved in research - and they would be unlikely recommend this treatment to someone in your position because the potential long term consequences could well outweigh the benefits.

Belleende · 05/09/2017 12:41

Have you explored all your options for getting onto a trial in the uk? That could be a win win. Having treatment abroad will also make it v difficult to get follow up care on the nhs if needed. If these are heavy duty chemo drugs there is always a chance that you will have late effects, months if not years later. This us much harder to monitor if the nhs doesn't know you have had the treatment.
But in your shoes, I would certainly consider it.

mygorgeousmilo · 05/09/2017 12:42

I go into hospital often, although more like a week here and there rather than a stretch. I have done since my kids were tiny. I understand the dilemma but you must put your health first, it's absolutely paramount, above all else, and if you plan well for it and have a system in place, then the children won't feel 'left'. My kids barely bat an eyelid when I come home after not seeing them for a week or two, even if the rest of the time we have a very close bond and they're all over me. It's like I've just been to the shops for an hour! They feel secure and don't feel panicked when I'm not there, because they are bonded to and loved by the adults that are caring for them. That's the key, them being with people they know and trust, and their routines staying in place.

Haffiana · 05/09/2017 12:46

This is MS, yes? Can you not speak to your Consultant and ask to be put on the UK trials?

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