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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To want teenage dd to leave *edited by MNHQ to reflect that some discussion of eating disorders takes place*

134 replies

Stitch2017 · 05/09/2017 11:16

Wasn't really sure where to post this, so I'm posting here for traffic.

I'm at the end of my tether. I've felt sick, vomited several times and my heart has been pounding for days.

Teenage dd, 17. January she was on top of the world. A levels, part time job, lots of cash saved for driving lessons. Then she met a 26 year old man at work. She was 16 at the time.

We found out about 4 months into the relationship when I tried to confiscate her phone for some misdemeanor.

Suddenly everything fell into place. The late nights up talking to friends, the changes in her appearance, random gifts appearing, etc. I was shocked and not happy about the age gap, but as time has gone on things have got worse.

She was 15 % underweight at one point, convinced the drs she was anorexic, and got referred to a therapist who she told she hadn't eaten for three days. We thought she was depressed, hence the GP visit.

She's eating a now but still looks painfully thin. Her skin is pale, her hair is green due to over dyeing different colours. She has new piercings in her ears, stomach and nose which keep getting infected. She failed her A levels (U, U, E), despite being predicted Bs and Cs at Xmas. She has been fired from several jobs and 'let go; from others.

He's currently in Portugal (home country) but due back again soon, and I don't think I can cope with it again. He is a sex obsessed predator. He has videos and pictures of her, and all he is interested in is meeting up for sex. He cheated on her with a work colleague and she still goes back. He doesn't care that she has failed her exams. He watches porn, and without going into details, he treats my daughter like a porn actress. He wants a threesome with her and a friend. She now thinks that this is all normal relationship behaviour. He reinforces her own insecurities about her body. He draws, and drew a picture of her but told her he used a victoria's secret model for the body. He wants a sex party.

She is an emotional mess. She lies non stop, including to him. She has told him she has a flashy car and is starting a law degree. She appears to compulsively lie, and it can be about anything and everything. She is snappy with her siblings and not pleasant at all to be around.

I only know because when we thought she was anorexic and suicidal, we checked her facebook messages. I've never invaded her privacy before, but the GP couldn't help, there are no therapies around, they won't prescribe, and I was living with the fear that I was going to find her dead one day. She doesn't know that I've read them, so it's impossible for me to explain to her how unhealthy the relationship is.

I'm just so sick now of being lied to, the worry of it all, and being treated like dirt. I work 7 days a week, but I work from home a lot so I've been around for her, and even taking her to work with me at weekends (it's a job she can help with) and it's been so draining.

I want to tell her, if she wants to keep seeing him and throwing her life away she needs to move out. AIBU? What else can I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Stitch2017 · 05/09/2017 11:17

Btw, just to be clear, she was lying about the anorexia. We'd eaten 3 meals a day together in the days leading up to the therapist appointment as I was concerned about her weight loss.

OP posts:
araiwa · 05/09/2017 11:20

To me, throwing your daughter out because shes throwing away her life will only accelerate the process. Where do you think she will go.. ?

Justbreathing · 05/09/2017 11:21

wow that sounds really terrible. What an awful situation.
People don't tend to lie because they are inherently bad, there are usually massive underlying issues around it.
Do you think she would accept seeing an impartial person to talk?
All you can really do is be there for her, but as it currently stands I wouldn't chuck her out, it might lead to her pushed towards this man even more so.

CredulousThickos · 05/09/2017 11:21

Please, please don't throw her out.

I was thrown out as a teen and spent the next few years in utter hell, drug addiction, having sex with people so they'd let me stay the night, violence, abuse. It was hideous.

She needs to know you are a safe haven.

She is still so young.

You say she was 15% underweight but lied about being anorexic? That doesn't make sense to me. She sounds like she has some MH issues, I have BPD and she sounds a lot like a younger me.

It is so so hard for you, but I promise you she is just a lost little girl who doesn't know how to function in the world. She needs you to be her anchor.

5rivers7hills · 05/09/2017 11:23

Jesus Christ don't throw her out! Where will she go but to him????

Gosh I don't know what you can do other than support her. Do you have any relatives in another part of the country she could go to to get away from him for a fresh start?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 05/09/2017 11:25

She is addicted to him, isn't she?

Honestly, I know it must be tough but the very worst thing you could possibly do is make her leave home. I doubt she'd survive it.

She clearly has serious mental health issues. I think you need to talk to her doctor without her there and outline everything that's going on - don't underplay anything - and ask for help.

chickensducksandponds · 05/09/2017 11:28

I don't think there is much you can do, but try and keep her at home if you can x

StumpyScot92 · 05/09/2017 11:31

She may have lied about the meals but being that underweight something is definitely not right. I'm a recovered bulimic and you'd be amazed some of the ways I had to hide food etc when at my worst. If you kick her out chances are she will only get worse, she's going through a tough time the best thing you can do is offer stability and support until she starts to find her feet herself.
If she doesn't feel she has support at home she's likely to go looking for it the only place she can find it, which could be him. As much of a jackass as he is.

TeenTimesTwo · 05/09/2017 11:31

You want to throw her out to protect yourself from seeing her downward slide. It is understandable, but it won't help her, and ultimately that won't help you either as you will feel guilty.

I don't have the answer, but I don't think this is it.

Just try to make sure her life is full of other stuff other than the BF and encourage whatever you can for her to mix with positive role models. (Far easier to say than do I am sure).

Original poster
Stitch2017 · 05/09/2017 11:33

I know I can't really throw her out but I feel so helpless at the moment. I hate lying, and find it really hard to tolerate and the stress of worrying about her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stitch2017 · 05/09/2017 11:34

Teentimestwo - that is exactly it! Sad

OP posts:
Caselgarcia · 05/09/2017 11:35

Does she have many friends? Can you engineer make contact/relationships with cousins/school friends who could give her a more healthy social scene. I remember being obsessed at that age with a unhealthy (for me) individual. The turning point for me was meeting people my own age who had goals/drive completely out of my social scene who were happy, fun to be with and successful. I suddenly realised what a loser this individual was, I had previously seen him as edgy and alternative. But in reality he was an odious cretin who preyed on younger girls. She will come through it, but SHE has to be the one to realise it's unhealthy, don't push her away or criticise her x

Goldenbear · 05/09/2017 11:37

She is your daughter - sacrificing what you want for the good of your children is part and parcel of having children. If you ask her to leave you are taking the easy option.

She will grow up and grown out of this- failing A levels will be the least of your worries if you kick her out.

supersop60 · 05/09/2017 11:38

Don't throw her out - she will run straight to him. My DD's therapist told me to tell her how I was feeling, and not to carry on bravely or stoically. Her weight loss is a concern - she'd either anorexic (they are masters of deception) or she's on drugs. Get professional help/advice wherever you can - GP, CAMHS, local groups, and don't give up on her. The girl you knew is still in there. Flowers

WhoresDoeuvres · 05/09/2017 11:39

Your daughter has been sexually abused since the age of 16 by a man a decade older.

Accusing her of lying about anorexia is also a bit of an issue as it's very undermining. She lost enough weight to cause you worry in the first place, so she could still have an ED even if it doesn't fit what you think anorexia ought to look like.

It sounds like you're stressed out and needs support. However, she is a child, and she is stressed and needs support. Can you take time off work to focus on her?

It sounds like you're starting to resent her and aren't seeing her as someone who's in pain.

chickensducksandponds · 05/09/2017 11:40

How is that sexual abuse, Whores? Genuine question.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 05/09/2017 11:40

Please do not throw her out. Help her! Be there for her. Try and teach her.

MrsJayy · 05/09/2017 11:40

I wonder if the underweight was due to drugs rather than an eating disorder ? God knows what this cretin has been giving her. Your poor dd she has been used and abused by this man he isn't her boyfriend as she thinks he is he is abusing her, Don't throw her out I appreciate this is distressing for you but your girl doesn't sound well go back to the Drs even if you go yourself explain everything and see what they say,

WhoresDoeuvres · 05/09/2017 11:41

Also, if she's being treated like a porn actress, it is likely if you kick her out she will fall into prostitution. That is not a life you want for your child. It is bad now, and can get so much worse. Keep going. Talk to friends and family, get your own head straight, but don't turn her out onto the street and into this abuser's arms.

ItsAllAboutThePace · 05/09/2017 11:42

I've had 2 teens (disruptive,self destructive) move out..... both gone 10 months before coming back focused,mature and very very sorry!

But in this case I don't think it can work if she has nowhere to go

All you can do is ride it out....distract her? She will get bored of this man. All is not lost with A levels etc

Pick your battles with her op

WhoresDoeuvres · 05/09/2017 11:42

chickens did you read the OP?

She's been given gifts - grooming. Then this:

He is a sex obsessed predator. He has videos and pictures of her, and all he is interested in is meeting up for sex. He cheated on her with a work colleague and she still goes back. He doesn't care that she has failed her exams. He watches porn, and without going into details, he treats my daughter like a porn actress. He wants a threesome with her and a friend. She now thinks that this is all normal relationship behaviour. He reinforces her own insecurities about her body. He draws, and drew a picture of her but told her he used a victoria's secret model for the body. He wants a sex party.

Notevilstepmother · 05/09/2017 11:44

Feeling that way isn't unreasonable, but as I'm sure you already know, making her leave probably isn't a good idea either.

Unless you have relatives on some remote Scottish island or somewhere you can send her to!

Have you spoken to the police at all? I know she isn't underage, but his behaviour is creepy as fk, he could well be doing the same to other girls, and if they choose to they could class an under 18 as a child according to safeguarding. Child Sexual Exploitation is taken more seriously these days, at least in some areas. The videos may be something they can get him for, and if he has done the same to younger girls he could get locked up. Even if they can't do anything in this case, at least they would know about him.

AprilLady4 · 05/09/2017 11:44
Shock
Goldenbear · 05/09/2017 11:45

Do you have her Dad on side - my husband would have something to say to a 26 year old hitting on my 16 year old DD?

chickensducksandponds · 05/09/2017 11:45

But being given a gift by a boyfriend you don't like, isn't grooming. Mind you I have no clue what grooming actually is.

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