To want teenage dd to leave *edited by MNHQ to reflect that some discussion of eating disorders takes place*

[Stitch2017]

Wasn't really sure where to post this, so I'm posting here for traffic.

I'm at the end of my tether. I've felt sick, vomited several times and my heart has been pounding for days.

Teenage dd, 17. January she was on top of the world. A levels, part time job, lots of cash saved for driving lessons. Then she met a 26 year old man at work. She was 16 at the time.

We found out about 4 months into the relationship when I tried to confiscate her phone for some misdemeanor.

Suddenly everything fell into place. The late nights up talking to friends, the changes in her appearance, random gifts appearing, etc. I was shocked and not happy about the age gap, but as time has gone on things have got worse.

She was 15 % underweight at one point, convinced the drs she was anorexic, and got referred to a therapist who she told she hadn't eaten for three days. We thought she was depressed, hence the GP visit.

She's eating a now but still looks painfully thin. Her skin is pale, her hair is green due to over dyeing different colours. She has new piercings in her ears, stomach and nose which keep getting infected. She failed her A levels (U, U, E), despite being predicted Bs and Cs at Xmas. She has been fired from several jobs and 'let go; from others.

He's currently in Portugal (home country) but due back again soon, and I don't think I can cope with it again. He is a sex obsessed predator. He has videos and pictures of her, and all he is interested in is meeting up for sex. He cheated on her with a work colleague and she still goes back. He doesn't care that she has failed her exams. He watches porn, and without going into details, he treats my daughter like a porn actress. He wants a threesome with her and a friend. She now thinks that this is all normal relationship behaviour. He reinforces her own insecurities about her body. He draws, and drew a picture of her but told her he used a victoria's secret model for the body. He wants a sex party.

She is an emotional mess. She lies non stop, including to him. She has told him she has a flashy car and is starting a law degree. She appears to compulsively lie, and it can be about anything and everything. She is snappy with her siblings and not pleasant at all to be around.

I only know because when we thought she was anorexic and suicidal, we checked her facebook messages. I've never invaded her privacy before, but the GP couldn't help, there are no therapies around, they won't prescribe, and I was living with the fear that I was going to find her dead one day. She doesn't know that I've read them, so it's impossible for me to explain to her how unhealthy the relationship is.

I'm just so sick now of being lied to, the worry of it all, and being treated like dirt. I work 7 days a week, but I work from home a lot so I've been around for her, and even taking her to work with me at weekends (it's a job she can help with) and it's been so draining.

I want to tell her, if she wants to keep seeing him and throwing her life away she needs to move out. AIBU? What else can I do?

OP this sounds like a nightmare. What is her dad doing / saying about all this? Sometimes girls need a male authority figure to step in and displace the authority of the groomer. She also needs to know she has her dad's physical protection from this absolute scumbag.

Ultimately if heart to hearts aren't working you will have to get tougher if you want to protect her. That means removing all phones/computers/methods of communication with her abuser (for that is what he is). And not letting her go anywhere unaccompanied. Eventually the addiction she is experiencing will wear off, hopefully replaced by something much more wholesome.

The GP said he couldn't prescribe ADs because she is under 18. He referred her to camhs for ed. She then lied toe camhs about not eating, so they booked her in for a 3 hour assessment. She then panicked and decided she wasn't going and has eaten and put on weight since.

I've worried about drugs and bulimia. I've kept a really close eye on her and searched her room this morning. I found quite a few items of lacy lingerie and a stash of condoms. Not that she is using condoms from what she told me :( She is on the injection though.

What is her Dad doing about this?

Her mood sounds very low. Did her GP suggest medication or counselling? My DD's behaviour was similar in relation to risky behaviour, eating disorder, erratic sleeping pattern, not caring about her appearance, uncooperative, bad tempered and agressive when challenged. It subsequently traspired she had been smoking weed.

She saw the doctor who contacted the mental health crisis team and she was admitted to hospital. She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and is on medication and getting a lot better.

I am not trying to diagnose your DD but just telling you our story which has some similarities.

Cross posted with you OP. ADs can be prescribed for under 18s.

Rubbish - GPs can prescribe antidepressants to under 18s, admittedly there are safety concerns and it is limited what they can prescribe without a psychiatrist.
She really needs CAMHS but if she won't co-operate there is little they can do.
Why is she behaving like this? Can she talk to you? Does she know she is loved? Is she stressed about school/academics?
Will she be allowed back to sixth form? If not will the local NEETs service kick in, can they help.

Please go to the police, as advised above and tell them you are worried about child sexual exploitation, he may be involved with other girls as well, and yes it is illegal for him to have any sort of images of her nude or worse.

You may be able to get support from Banardoes (sorry not sure how to spell it) or the Children's society. They have workers in some areas.

ADs can be prescribed for under 18s.

Only if cognitive behavioural therapy has failed and the treatment is supervised by a psychiatrist. GPs are generally advised not to prescribe them to under 18s because of the link to suicide and self harm in that age group.

The relationship you need to concentrate on is between you and her. Why is she so self destructive? Why isn't she listening to you or understanding your concerns? You had to go through her FB to find out things about her because I'm assuming you can't just ask her? You work 7 days a week, is there another parent in her life? Work on your relationship with her and this useless idiot will hopefully be less important to her. Teens need a lot of guidance and support, she sounds like she's going off the rails and this is your wake up call. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

I've been in your daughter's shoes. She is probably feeling massively insecure about herself and probably doesn't feel like she's worth anything and nobody likes her. She's aware how she's disappointing anyone and so to make herself feel better she runs to the man giving her attention so it's a vicious cycle. In her mind bad attention is at least still attention. Don't throw her out. You'll only confirm things. What she needs is reassurance, do things with her, distract her, cook with her, sit and have a night with a silly film and no tech. Hold her, let her cry and let her know you love her nomatter what she does because she's your little girl and you always will pick her up no matter how many times she falls. She needs saving from herself, it's a slow process, just be there for her, punishing her further will only make things worse I promise

I've been in your daughter's shoes. She is probably feeling massively insecure about herself and probably doesn't feel like she's worth anything and nobody likes her. She's aware how she's disappointing anyone and so to make herself feel better she runs to the man giving her attention so it's a vicious cycle. In her mind bad attention is at least still attention. Don't throw her out. You'll only confirm things. What she needs is reassurance, do things with her, distract her, cook with her, sit and have a night with a silly film and no tech. Hold her, let her cry and let her know you love her nomatter what she does because she's your little girl and you always will pick her up no matter how many times she falls. She needs saving from herself, it's a slow process, just be there for her, punishing her further will only make things worse I promise

Don't her work mind about all her hair colour changes?

She's getting an awful lot of attention from all of this, and it's a really negative attention. I honestly think you need to take a step back from it all. Let her know very clearly and unemotionally that you don't approve of this relationship, he's not welcome in your home but you respect that she's almost an adult and can't lock her in the house. Then literally ignore it as much as humanly possible. Likewise the eating - it's all for attention. And again, a negative one. If she wants to have an adult relationship, then she needs to behave like one and that includes being respectful around you all and finding herself a job. Encourage her to start looking, clearly define your expectations and praise the small things. I know it's hard. My eldest nearly killed me getting through her teenage years . But she is nearly an adult, and needs to be treated as such.

Keep on encouraging her to accept support services.

Carry on encouraging her to participate in activities she enjoys, does she like horses? could she volunteer at the local stables to get her out in the fresh air?

Make it clear that you will not be giving her money unless she gets a job and earns it or enrols on a course/apprenticeship. Possibly hairdressing so that she can learn to dye it properly

If the police are not going to help re the exploitation and this was my daughter, then I am afraid I would be seriously tempted to have a chat with a few local thugs to see if they could go and have "a word" with him.

What did the NSPCC advise?

I worked with a woman who went through a similar thing with her son. Not the sex predator stuff but he was a straight A student who had fallen in with a group of rough kids who got him involved with drink and drugs and shoplifting for them. He had stolen from her and a teacher and school had thrown him out of 6th form despite previously being their star pupil. He was a mess. She used all her savings and went trekking across the Rockies with him for 6wks. Leaving behind her other younger children and her DH. Whilst away, her DH accepted a transfer and an offer on the house. Massively drastic but as far as I know, it worked. She stayed home for the rest of that yr and he then started his Alevels at the nearby college. I didn't see her again so I truly hope he stayed on track.

Could you possibly go away with her for a few wks somewhere remote maybe as it sounds like she is struggling with her MH so something like renting a cottage on a remote coastline (Scotland?) may allow her to just chill out and do nothing for a few wks and recover emotionally and physically. You could just walk and talk and drink hot chocolate?

she isn't currently working as she got fired from her last couple of jobs. She is now in the process of applying for apprenticeships after failing her A levels.

We had a great relationship until things started going downhill with the current bf. She was in a long term relationship before this one, with a boy from school. When she became sexually active at 15, she told me and we went to the drs together to sort out contraception. She was always honest with me. Their relationship eventually broke down on an amicable basis as they grew apart and wanted different things.

I work 7 days a week, but dd sometimes assists at the weekend, and also volunteers with me on a sat morning. I don't want to give away too much and my identity. I wfh much of the week and we often went for lunches together or we'll shop and she'll cook something for the both of us. I work long hours, but we do get time for girly trips out in the evenings, and have even done a couple of short breaks away together for just the two of us, though admittedly not quite as much lately!

At Xmas I told her how incredibly proud I was of her with all the achievements she had at college, and in her voluntary work. she really was on top of the world at the beginning of the year. Looking at the before and after pictures are like looking at those of a meth addict.

I've wondered if she wasn't happy then and was trying to keep going to please me. She did seem to have friends initially at college, and was predicted good grades. She has said since that she wasn't really enjoying college. But then at times she says she wants to go back and do A levels, so who knows! I keep telling her that I just want her to be happy and will support her in whatever she chooses, but this relationship is not making her happy.

We've had another heart to heart and little bits more have come out, but I don't know what it is going to take to get her to end it.

Her dad is around at weekends and evenings when I'm working. They get on very well, but she has never really confided in him in the same way. He has said he has felt like going to the store where the guy works and smacking him one, but he knows that won;t achieve anything and he is more the less stressy and more dependable one than me! I find it hard not to get emotional with it all.

NSPCC said they wanted to give me advice, but there wasn't a lot that could be done as she was over 16. They told me to call back the next day when I could speak to an advisor. I tried, and went through all the initial screening process again to be told no one was available. I tried a third time and then got cut off on transfer. They seemed very unconcerned and would not do a call back.

I've tried various local counselling services and been passed from pillar to post. It seems that the only access to services for our area is private. Not sure I can afford that - I work 7 days a week as it is to pay the bills and one car has just broken down with a massive bill and the other needs tyres.

We did just come back from a family holiday in the countryside with no phone signal. We ended up having to cut the wifi off too, in order to stop her sitting up all night talking to him and encourage her to spend time with us in the evenings. We told her it was broken.

Would you be willing to call the non-urgent police number? Exploitation and grooming of young people is a serious business.

Please contact the police, your DD is under 18 and so is a victim of a crime.

www.europol.europa.eu/newsroom/news/online-sexual-extortion-man-sentenced-in-romania-in-connection-death-of-british-teenager

I've spoken to DH and we want to call the police once the bf is back in the country (we believe he is back on Sunday). We don't have an exact address for him, frustratingly, but we know his full name, place of work, street and approximate flat location.

Stitch2017 I draw my hat to you. you are already doing so much to try to help her. Some posters have also suggested some really useful things to do.
I am not sure if you can do this but you might me able to check him out under Sarah's law (after Sarah Payne, who was killed by paedophile Roy Whiting in 2000.) It allows the public access to the sex offenders’ register.

Go to the police now, and get the report going.

They may be able to check his flight time & arrest him at the airport if they have sufficient evidence.
It might also give them time to check his laptop, phone etc, in case there are explicit underage pictures or videos stored there.

Try to prevent your DD from contacting him, so as not to give him any warning of whats coming his way.

Claire's law also allows you to access police records to check if someone has history of domestic violence. There are conditions to access however.

I'm so pleased you are going to speak to the police. Probably not a good idea to let your dd know you're going to do that, or that you've done it either. It may come out but equally it may not. Hopefully the police can access her FB and whatever else there is that he's stored indecent images on.