To want teenage dd to leave *edited by MNHQ to reflect that some discussion of eating disorders takes place*

[Stitch2017]

Wasn't really sure where to post this, so I'm posting here for traffic.

I'm at the end of my tether. I've felt sick, vomited several times and my heart has been pounding for days.

Teenage dd, 17. January she was on top of the world. A levels, part time job, lots of cash saved for driving lessons. Then she met a 26 year old man at work. She was 16 at the time.

We found out about 4 months into the relationship when I tried to confiscate her phone for some misdemeanor.

Suddenly everything fell into place. The late nights up talking to friends, the changes in her appearance, random gifts appearing, etc. I was shocked and not happy about the age gap, but as time has gone on things have got worse.

She was 15 % underweight at one point, convinced the drs she was anorexic, and got referred to a therapist who she told she hadn't eaten for three days. We thought she was depressed, hence the GP visit.

She's eating a now but still looks painfully thin. Her skin is pale, her hair is green due to over dyeing different colours. She has new piercings in her ears, stomach and nose which keep getting infected. She failed her A levels (U, U, E), despite being predicted Bs and Cs at Xmas. She has been fired from several jobs and 'let go; from others.

He's currently in Portugal (home country) but due back again soon, and I don't think I can cope with it again. He is a sex obsessed predator. He has videos and pictures of her, and all he is interested in is meeting up for sex. He cheated on her with a work colleague and she still goes back. He doesn't care that she has failed her exams. He watches porn, and without going into details, he treats my daughter like a porn actress. He wants a threesome with her and a friend. She now thinks that this is all normal relationship behaviour. He reinforces her own insecurities about her body. He draws, and drew a picture of her but told her he used a victoria's secret model for the body. He wants a sex party.

She is an emotional mess. She lies non stop, including to him. She has told him she has a flashy car and is starting a law degree. She appears to compulsively lie, and it can be about anything and everything. She is snappy with her siblings and not pleasant at all to be around.

I only know because when we thought she was anorexic and suicidal, we checked her facebook messages. I've never invaded her privacy before, but the GP couldn't help, there are no therapies around, they won't prescribe, and I was living with the fear that I was going to find her dead one day. She doesn't know that I've read them, so it's impossible for me to explain to her how unhealthy the relationship is.

I'm just so sick now of being lied to, the worry of it all, and being treated like dirt. I work 7 days a week, but I work from home a lot so I've been around for her, and even taking her to work with me at weekends (it's a job she can help with) and it's been so draining.

I want to tell her, if she wants to keep seeing him and throwing her life away she needs to move out. AIBU? What else can I do?

My thought was drugs too, sorry. It sounds as if he has somehow coerced her into a codependent relationship, exploiting her. Does she still have money, if not how is she finding herself? I doubt he is exclusive and may well have done similar to other girls before or as well as her.

I'm so sorry op. Your poor poor daughter, I have a daughter about the same age and reading your post makes my heart ache.
Yabu to want her to move out however I can only imagine the stress your under worrying about her I can understand why you feel how you do.
IMO she's being groomed and it's effected her mental health greatly. The lying the weight loss the giving up on her exams, jobs etc seem to be pointing towards depression.
Also regarding the anorexia, you may well of seen her eat however ( and this comes from someone who's battled eating disorders since 15 ) are 100% sure she actually eating it ? And if so is she not making her self sick ? Anorexic people lie and deceive and manipulate people.
If she was my daughter I'd go to the police with any evidence you have that he's recording having sex with her because chances are he's sharing it.
I'd also love on her like there's no tomorrow and probably wouldn't let her out of my sight ( easier said than done I know )
I really hope you and your daughter get the help you need asap x

I'm really sorry that you are both going through this.

Can you get her to sit down and watch 'Three girls' about the Rochdale grooming scandal. It sounds like she is living that life - coerced into doing things she doesn't really want to but deluded as she thinks he's her boyfriend.

It might wake her up and see she's throwing her health and life away.

Throwing her out is not the answer, but you already know this.
Personally I think I'd be asking the police for advice, along the lines of his grooming of her, indecent images under age and possible distribution. He may well be doing this to other youngsters too. It's possible that the police may be very interested in finding this out before he causes more damage to other young women. Also, NSPCC for advice too.

Please don't think that the three meals a day mean she's not anorexic. Anorexia and other EDs make you lie. It's practically a symptom. You will do anything to protect the disordered way of eating - anything to stop the people who will stop you from finding out and preventing you from not eating.

It can be a seriously complicated and cunning game too: e.g. there's no way I can disguise this weight loss, so lying to the GP won't work. But mum doesn't know what the full issues are and if she thinks I'm not ill then she won't make me comply with treatment and I can just do what I 'need' to. Thus she makes herself eat the meals short term, or she hides the food from you.

Weight loss like that could also be a symptom of anxiety - she does sound like she might be a bit of a nervous wreck because of this bastard.

Is there a family member somewhere farther away from you that she could go and live with for a while? Not with the aim to get her away from you, rather away from all these situations that she cannot get away from herself. Perhaps someone who can let her work with them or something like that? A friend did this for her sister's girl. The girl got a job at MandS and is doing pretty well. Break the situation up without 'sending her away'.

Please don't throw her out, you'll only make her more vulnerable.

This is much more than 'a present from a boyfriend you don't like' This is child sexual exploitation and is thankfully taken very seriously these days.

You can get advice and support here

www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/child-abuse-and-neglect/child-sexual-exploitation/

My heart goes out to you, the stress of it all must be awful. Would you be able to ring the police for advice? You could also ask if they can give you any information about him. His behaviour might have come to the attention of the police.

There is a law which permits people to get information about their partners. Mabe it is available to concerned relatives. If he has previous convictions it might help her realise the truth about him.

Could you rope in some friends or relatives to tell her how concerned they are about him? This would also support you.

It is probably not the best time to ask her to leave but you can keep this under review if necessary.

No I definitely didn't mean for it to be seen like that. This man is hideous and exploiting the OP's DD. I was thinking out loud about this at a wider level as I have a 6 year old DD and wanted to know whether this has become normalised now? When I was a teenager in the mid to late ninties our ambitions weren't all aesthetic - in fact none of us really wore make up. We were sexually awkward and probably quite niave. I liked bands like the Cardigans and echobelly. The lyrics in alot of their songs suggested no compromise, no subservience to Men, changing who you are to fulfill men's unrealistic desires. I worry now as the opposite seems true for young women and it makes it easier for men like the one abusing the Op's DD to be exploited if the subliminal messages all your life from society and even family is that this is ok.

Poor you OP this sounds awful. I am sorry you are under such severe stress.

Easy to say but in your situation I would be doing the very opposite of throwing her out. If you do that, you will make her more vulnerable to him. Call me old-fashioned but now IS the time to invade her privacy and not feel guilty about it. I wouldn't be letting her out of my sight for the time-being.

I would be raising the alarm and getting support from your relatives, friends, ex teachers, gp, the police, NSPCC, Young Minds, drug counselling charities. I would be getting the police, a lawyer, or your daughter's boss or some burly male friends or relatives to be warning this awful man off. It's time to bring in the big guns. God forbid she would become pregnant by this predator.

She has fallen in to bad company and in your situation I would be doing everything within my power to remove her from that environment and put her in to a different one; she needs to get away from that job and that man. Even if it meant packing suitcases, renting out my house, and manhandling her in to a car and driving her away to a Scottish island! (OK perhaps not the manhandling part but I would not be offering too many choices here.) She will hate you for it now but she will appreciate it later. Tell her you love her too much to watch her destroy her own life. (Deep down somewhere she may even acknowledge that this is the right thing; not saying this applies to your family but some dc of my acquaintance are crying out for boundaries by acting out in the most attention grabbing manner possible.) Take her on holiday. Take her to relatives. Bring trusted friends or ex teachers in to talk to her (it may be easier for her to speak to a relative outsider). Perhaps none of the things I've said are possible from a practical point of view but I would try and find a way to have her by my side as much as humanly possible. Even if it meant a staycation, with doors locked to the outside world, love-bombing, talking in to the night until she sees sense. Even if all that fails, at least you know you have done your utmost to help and she will know that too.

I'd suggest pick your battles. Amongst other (totally legitimate) concerns, you mention her hair is green. It'll grow back. I wouldn't lose sleep over that. Better to focus on the big stuff

I think your DD needs to know that, whatever happens, you are there to support her

Good idea about removing her passport too!

NannyOgg-

I did not suggest finding her to go to Portugal!

I meant a gap year volunteering somewhere very far away!

Sadly she may be too ill for this with her eating disorder

You have my utmost sympathy OP. My previously average,/vibrant/annoying/dramatic/amazing/ordinary teenager had AN for three years. It isn't just an eating disorder it is a serious mental illness. Her whole personality changed, even her voice changed. Sometimes it felt like she was possessed as she lied and lied and lied to support her addition to starving herself. For the last 18 months of her illness our lives were a living hell and there were times I prayed to die just so it would all stop (as did my daughter). Thank god she is in recovery now and our family unit is also recovering.

If you throw your DD out now she will run straight to this man. He certainly doesn't have his best interests at heart the way you do. He will continue to isolate and abuse her. And he will have an added weapon, he will be able to tell her 'you are such a worthless whore not even your mum wanted you'.

However much of an evil little cow she appears to be (as my daughter did) your little girl is still in there somewhere. Keep reassuring her you love her, that she is great, that she belongs with you and you want her there, encourage her to seek help, accompany her to appointments but draw boundaries to protect her siblings if necessary.

Also get support for yourself. I was in weekly therapy as a requirement of some professional training when my DDs illness became apparent and I think it probably saved us. Having somewhere private to go every week and cry and scream and rant gave me the strength and perspective I needed to try and carry the family for the rest of the week.

Very best of luck.

I can't help. Have no idea, but my god girl know I'm thinking of you. Xx

Does she tell you about the sex then or have you read her phone and messages? Only asking because if she does actually tell you everything, that's good - you don't want it to get to the point where she won't talk when she needs to. As regards him - he lives in another country and seems to not care who he 'goes' with, so presumably he will get fed up with her pretty quickly as she is letting herself go ... no way should she move out when you can at least keep an eye on her right now

Please read this about BPD

Health professional here. From what you describe I would have concerns about child sexual exploitation. I would contact the police regarding this if I was you and use the words "i am concerned about child sexual exploitation" so they understand where you are coming from. You can see your gp and ask for a CAMHS referral ( Childrens mental health services) too even if eating disorders clinic is not available this is, they can assess her for depression etc which often goes along with eating issues. I expect throwing her out will only make everything else worse, see sounds very vulnerable. Maybe see your own gp too, it must be extremely stressful, it's enough to make anyone anxious.

Goodness. Poor you. There is a lack of practical support for these areas, so I hope at least MN can provide you with a safe place to moan!

Do not throw her out!!!

I understand this is horrendous for you but she sounds incredibly vulnerable. She needs safety, she needs to know on some - perhaps unconscious - level that there is a safe place for her to be in the world.

She is scrambling around and floundering at the moment, and I understand that from where you're sitting it looks like she is actively choosing to make a heap of bad decisions, but it really is not that simple. This kid needs support.

Apologies, didn't mean to post and run, but ended up on a 2 hour business call.

I am being selfish. I don't want to keep seeing her self destruct. I swing between feeling so sorry for her and so sad for her, and being absolutely furious that she won't take anything on board and continues to lie and deceive.

She has put on weight. I think she was starving herself to please him or gain attention from him. She is eating well and is filling out. I don't know why she lied about not eating. I've seen her eat and kept a close eye on her in this regard.

I've tried sending her for a break away. She spent 6 weeks up with my parents, who eventually got fed up with her, themselves. I've paid for her to do nice activities, I've encouraged her to spend time with friends, I've done taxi runs so she can go out with friends, I've taken her for lunches and had heart to hearts. I've taken her to the drs, I've called the NSPCC, I've tried to find counselling. I've spoken to the dr alone without her in the room but it appears that because she is over 16, there is nothing that can be done unless she chooses to.

She did walk out once before - out of the blue she snapped in the middle of the night, walked into our room (we were in bed) and told us she was leaving. He didn't want her with him. She spent the night at a friends before we persuaded her to return home. Her passport is hidden.

The video is very explicit. Is this illegal? Can anyone confirm.

I'm also afraid that if she knows I've seen her messages, etc, that one of two things will happen - either she will end up out on the streets, or she'll just block my access and I won't know when the whole situation is escalating beyond her or my control. Atm I'm doing everything I can to try to reduce what is happening without telling her what I know. I try to have conversations about healthy relationships, I limit her wifi, I monitor her location on a phone app (with her permission). Sooner or later this has to blow up in her face, and I need to be sure that she doesn't end up in Portugal as part of some sex ring!!

Sorry, didn't refresh before posting, will catch up now. Thank you all for the support.

The video is very explicit. Is this illegal? Can anyone confirm.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/indecent-images-of-children-guidance-for-young-people/indecent-images-of-children-guidance-for-young-people

It's illegal to be in possession of indecent images of anyone under 18.

Btw, I couldn't care less what colour her hair is if she was happy with it. It's a big thing for her though, and really denting her self esteem. But every time we get it fixed, she can't leave it alone and ruins it again, keep trying to change it.

She was aiming for silver, it went blue then turquoise then green.

Did her GP suggest counselling or medication? She sounds like her mood is very low.