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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp best friend (female)

85 replies

bellalou1234 · 05/09/2017 03:57

Hello,
Aibu, when I met my dp he was close to his female best friend, they would go out together shopping meals ect. I was always fine with this.

We sometimes used to go out as a foursome with her dh. We all used to get on ok, although sometimes the conversation would be for them to reminisce about what they had been up too.

I never thought much about it, but my friend who was her best friend until they had a fall out has told me they used to be sleeping together before we met. I'm devastated I had no idea, he has lied to me when I've asked him if there has ever been anything.

To make matters worse everyone has known, her dp, friends we have in common. I feel like a joke.

Aibu to be upset?

OP posts:
Trampire · 05/09/2017 04:13

Well I'd be upset yes.

Basically your DP is spending a lot of one on one time with an ex and you didn't know it. Very different to a 'normal' friend. I think sometimes people try hard to be the 'cool partner', but I'm sure most people would have a wobble with that.

You must talk to your dp.

Modestandatinybitsexy · 05/09/2017 04:16

Him lying to you is far from ideal and probably raises your insecurities but if it was before you met/started dating and it's purely platonic now maybe he lied to avoid you getting jealous or upset and so he can still enjoy her company.

What did he say when you talked to him about it now you know?

Original poster
bellalou1234 · 05/09/2017 04:26

Thank you everyone. He's really dismissive and saying he didn't want to tell as I'd go
Mad. I just feel he should have been honest, I used to go out with her her and joint friends and confide in things in hindsight I shouldn't have.

I feel he just put her and the friendship first, I feel like there laughing at me,

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 05/09/2017 05:15

He's really dismissive and saying he didn't want to tell as I'd go mad

What that actually means is that he thinks he knows better than you what's good for you. That he gets to decide what information you base your decisions on. That he gets to lie about things that might be deal-breakers to you.

If he genuinely thought you'd 'go mad' that was MORE important. He decided that although the knew you wouldn't like it, he'd withhold that tidbit.

And my DH met my best male friends out of the gate. Hadn't shagged any of them though, or I would have told him.

awifeyforlifey · 05/09/2017 05:35

YADNBU. MrsTerry is right. It might be beneficial to consider counseling.

PippaSqueaks · 05/09/2017 06:00

The fact that he lied to you is an issue.

I personally don't know how I'd feel about my DH being so close to someone he slept with in the past. They were obviously attracted enough and liked each other enough to sleep together. Then he lied to you about it.

Maybe it makes me petty, but it would be a hard one to get my head around.

Original poster
bellalou1234 · 05/09/2017 06:09

I can't help thinking and going over in my head that he's seen her naked and been attracted to her.

Prior to me finding out he wouldn't and still won't have a word said against her.

OP posts:
CommanderDaisy · 05/09/2017 06:18

Like one of the previous posters most of my closest friends are male and like her, I have never slept with any of them, and wouldn't.
My husband is comfortable with me spending time with them as he knew what the exact nature of my relationship with each of them was from the get go.
So yes, I think you are right to be twitchy about this.
Especially since he lied about it.

dingodon · 05/09/2017 06:21

He has lied to you and your latest post indicates who is his priority and it's not you.

WomblingThree · 05/09/2017 06:30

How long have you been together?

YellowAardvark · 05/09/2017 06:32

I'd wonder what was going on. So they slept together while friend had a DH? That's the worrying part if it's true.

honeylulu · 05/09/2017 06:34

I would be gutted OP and like you, I would hate that everyone else knew except me. I think it's very relevant that if you had known you would have behaved differently in terms of what you confided to other people, as he deprived you of that knowledge and choice.
I've been in situations where a partner has bumped into an ex and the "do you remember" conversations go on too long and I've felt frozen out, as if the ex is trying to teach me a lesson - that they will always have a "special history". And here, you thought she was just a good friend but she's actually an ex! It must put a different complexion on all those past conversations.
I'm all for accepting that everyone has a past (even if I don't want the details) but the real issue here is his deliberate deception, coupled with his belittling of your feelings when you did find out.
I doubt know what I'd do but I'd be very hurt and angry with him.

Original poster
bellalou1234 · 05/09/2017 06:36

No it was before she got with her husband. Her and her husband met about 6 months before us

OP posts:
MrsJamesAspey · 05/09/2017 07:05

So she told her husband the truth but your husband lied.

I don't care who my DP has slept with before me, he spends a fair bit of time with his ex and their 3 year old, I have no problem with this because he's always been open and honest. If I found out he'd lied in order to carry on spending time with someone then we'd be finished.

BelindaBlinked · 05/09/2017 07:13

I think I'd be feeling really upset too.
Maybe if he'd have been honest from the beginning you'd have felt more like her husband and been ok about it. There's something about honesty that makes you more trusting about their intentions.

Have you ever felt a bit suss about his behaviour around her?

BlondeB83 · 05/09/2017 07:17

The lying would be a deal breaker for me.

Velvian · 05/09/2017 07:23

Not just the fact that he lied in the first place, but when confronted with the lie, he showed such little respect for you and made it your fault.

Miserylovescompany2 · 05/09/2017 07:27

What a way to find out! Then to top it off, what a shitty excuse from your Dp - basically deflecting back onto you...

So now, you'll be looking back at ALL those chats in a completely different light - an entire relationships worth!

What a twat!

Your friend should of told you from the outset as well and not just as a point scoring exercise on her part.

malificent7 · 05/09/2017 07:27

I think its very telling that he knew you would be upset... deep down he knows its inappropriate.
Ive never understood this being besties with your ex. Im more of a clean break type. My dp is my bestie and none of my exes can compare!
I am also distant with them out of respect for my dp.
He sounds like a knob op.

scaryclown · 05/09/2017 07:27

I think all the joyous relationship splitters are being too harsh, and immature.

If you have a group of mixed friends for a period of time, there's going g to be to odd dalliance here and there, and these are usually best kept separate from the real relationship which h is as friends.

This Idea that a 'soiled woman' is always a danger to your husband, or that you should ring fence your husband from other women are iold fashioned ideas.

The point here is that your husband has respected his friends desire to not be introduced as though she is an ex, when she is a friend, and care and sensitivity over the feelings of others is a positive trait.

Of course some of the more unhappy people on here would like to damage your relationship or have you go to counselling and magnify your discomfort, but I would be pleased I had a husband who was social and friendly with women he has slept with, or more accurately friends he crossed a boundary with once or twice.

The men who fuck women off as soon as they are finished with them, or who point and say 'had her, had her,' and love to point out who they slept with so that people change their views of them are worse IMO.

cakecakecheese · 05/09/2017 07:31

Argh when will people realise that the lying is usually much worse than the thing they're lying about. I'd be concerned about what else he's lied about tbh. I think you need to say that you can't be with him unless he starts being honest with you...

splendidisolation · 05/09/2017 07:32

Agree with scaryclown.

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 05/09/2017 07:36

The issue isn't with ex's being friends afterwards IMO. I think it's perfectly possible to be friends with someone you've previously had any kind of relationship with. But the issue for me would be the lying and the fact that everyone else knew the truth apart from his partner.

MrsJamesAspey · 05/09/2017 07:37

Wtf scaryclown this woman isn't just a female in a large group of friends that he's slept with a couple of times it's someone he said was his best friend and who he spends a lot of 1-1 time with. He lied. And by the sounds of him he'd lie again if it meant he got what he wanted.

cdtaylornats · 05/09/2017 07:39

my friend who was her best friend until they had a fall out

Well can anyone else spot the lying bitch in this scenario?

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