Dp best friend (female)

[bellalou1234]

Hello,
Aibu, when I met my dp he was close to his female best friend, they would go out together shopping meals ect. I was always fine with this.

We sometimes used to go out as a foursome with her dh. We all used to get on ok, although sometimes the conversation would be for them to reminisce about what they had been up too.

I never thought much about it, but my friend who was her best friend until they had a fall out has told me they used to be sleeping together before we met. I'm devastated I had no idea, he has lied to me when I've asked him if there has ever been anything.

To make matters worse everyone has known, her dp, friends we have in common. I feel like a joke.

Aibu to be upset?

If it's years since they slept together, then you're making a lot of this.
Did you ask him if they had slept together?
They are obviously not sexually compatible so I'd just ignore it.
It's your choice OP whether to be full of hate and resentment about this.
Yes he should have told you, but be the bigger person and forgive him and then you win.

I agree with pp who have said it's not her being an ex that's the problem but the lying about it.

My best friend is a guy I was FWB with at uni. There is absolutely no sexual attraction between us now and no way we would ever sleep together. Before i introduced best friend to my now OH, I told OH that we'd been FWB because I didn't want things to be uneven with 2 people knowing something that the other one didn't. It would have felt very unfair to OH to have kept it a secret.

The whole 'I didn't tell you because I knew you would go mad' thing would be ringing alarm bells for me too.

Scaryclown, did you see somewhere the information that this is about the husband respecting the friend's desire to be introduced as a friend? I haven't seen that said anywhere and found myself wondering if I missed something.

The fact that he didn't tell you could be a misjudgement on his part. Had he now been apologetic about it, then I would be inclined to let it go. But his reaction suggests guilt. Why else would he be so defensive?

I think you need at least to get to the bottom of why he is feeling so guilty. It also suggests that he is a person who will choose to do things dishonestly when it suits him and that he will not feel any remorse, but will try to put the blame on you for his failings.

It certainly would be a red flag for me and I would not want to continue unless I could feel that the issue was resolved such that he knew he would be properly honest in future, even if he thought it was something I wouldn't like.

'Yes he should have told you, but be the bigger person and forgive him and then you win he learns that his actions have no consequences and he will push his luck further next time.'

Fixed your statement for you Neutrogena

*"I think all the joyous relationship splitters are being too harsh, and immature.

If you have a group of mixed friends for a period of time, there's going g to be to odd dalliance here and there, and these are usually best kept separate from the real relationship which h is as friends.

This Idea that a 'soiled woman' is always a danger to your husband, or that you should ring fence your husband from other women are iold fashioned ideas.

The point here is that your husband has respected his friends desire to not be introduced as though she is an ex, when she is a friend, and care and sensitivity over the feelings of others is a positive trait.

Of course some of the more unhappy people on here would like to damage your relationship or have you go to counselling and magnify your discomfort, but I would be pleased I had a husband who was social and friendly with women he has slept with, or more accurately friends he crossed a boundary with once or twice.

The men who fuck women off as soon as they are finished with them, or who point and say 'had her, had her,' and love to point out who they slept with so that people change their views of them are worse IMO."*

She didn't know? So what she perceived as a friendship had previously been something very different - OP, has every right to be upset. Especially as she'd asked him if there had ever been more between them? He lied/deflected/minimised...

I agree with scary clown.

We all have things in our past we do share. This is going to cause a real issues in your group of friends.

If you believe he did not tell you to cause you hurt, You will be hurt. I do not think it was the reason he did not share it, it is irrelevant she and he have moved on meto other partners. Staying Friends without benefits

I had asked him and he lied. Before we moved in together he used to spend hours on the phone to her, they go out shopping. She was portrayed as his absolute best friend

When we did move in if he booked a day of work she'd come round for a catch up.

I must have always had my suspicions,

I wouldn't trust him with her now. . What happens if you 2 fall out? Blurred boundaries spring to mind. .

Scary Clown biggest load of bollocks I've ever read. It's like your comment belonged to a different thread.

He respected her desire? Nowhere in the OP. She's told her husband so I doubt this is true

'Had her, had her'. Didn't need to say this, he was asked outright by OP and lied.

She doesn't think the friend is a soiled woman or that she should ringfence her husband from all other women. Nowhere does it say that. She wanted the truth to make a decision on whether she was comfortable with their level of contact and intimacy. She was not given that.

Care and sensitivity over the feelings of others? How about OPs bloody feelings? What he wanted was to carry on doing whatever he wanted; in this case seeing his friend as much as he pleased and not allowing his partner to quite rightly say 'I'm not happy with this'

Oh and FYI I'm in a very happy relationship.

OP - do you fear they may have another go at it?
If not, move on.

I don't agree with scary clown.
I believe that the OP's dh has behaved badly. It is not the fact that he slept with this woman , it is the fact that he lied to the Op. Op is entitled to know if her dh shagged this woman, because as the Op stated, she would have been a bit more careful about some of the things that she( the OP) revealed , if she had known for sure that her dh had been involved in a relationship with this woman.

Spot on JammyDodger.

This is an awful thing to do to someone, I wouldn't be able to trust him after this and would end it personally. He lied to your face. It wasn't even a lie of omission, just a proper lie. He humiliated you by having you sat there in the group not knowing while everyone else did. His actions are like a child's. he says he lies cos he knew it would bother you, I.e. He's gonna do it anyway despite knowing it'd bother you, so puts his desires above your concerns. Instead of respecting you enough to be truthful and talking it through, he took that out of your hands, lied to you so he could carry on with this woman. He's a snake. You deserve better. Any relationship where someone is happy to lie to you isn't worth being in.

There is a huge difference between 'I didn't tell you because it was a million years ago, didn't mean anything and not an issue now' and 'I lied because I knew you wouldn't like it'. A huge difference.

If he is close friends with her the coverup could be understandable if he wanted to avoid potential suspicion and jealousy, or worse, not being "allowed" to be friends with her anymore, or be "allowed" to spend time alone etc. Some people will do this if there is a history between their partner and third party.

But yes probably better all round to just tell the truth from the beginning, and assure current partner that it is all in the past etc.

His behaviour is disgraceful. I couldn't get over the fact that he lied about it. I would have to get my husband to cut off contact with her completely.

I couldn't live my life being second best to an ex

Oh dear Scary you've upset the LTB massive 😂 so basically op you had no idea it wasnt a issue until cunt face friend has a fall out with her friend and decides to be a vengeful shit stirrer.

Yep! That's another so called mate! Think I'll just leave them all to it!

I would have to get my husband to cut off contact with her completely.

It is a possibility he didn't reveal the history precisely because he thought he might then get that reaction?

It's is people's right to make decisions based on facts. OP couldn't tell him who to hang out with but she could decide the dynamic was such that she didn't want to be part of it.

I can't believe people actually think it's OK to lie to people about things like this. I also don't get the 'I wouldn't let him...'. That's also a deal breaker for me. Liar? No thanks. Controlling partner? No thanks.

I'm more concerned with the 'won't hear a word bad about her' bit than the shagging in the past.

He won't have a bad word against her never has never will

Can't believe that people think the OP should just move on from this.

This isn't a best friend who the OP has known he has a past with, it's someone he declared to be his best friend and when she asked if they'd previously slept together he outright lied and said no. And yet she was still coming round on a regular basis, they had reminiscent chats about the past etc and the entire group of friends knew except the OP who is his partner.

And while I have no doubt that the friend's actions in telling were more about her own spite, clearly she did it in the knowledge that the OP didn't know and she was able to use that information against her ex friend. Wtf was that about?

It is absolutely possible for a couple to have a sexual history and to move on from that history and become friends. But the instant you start to lie to your partner about it that raises suspicion. This was someone who was in their lives, not just a woman in his past he hadn't told the OP about. It was someone he had slept with and was continuing to see at every opportunity and when the OP asked he outright lied.

I would go as far as to say that he did it to keep his options open and that there was almost certainly an overlap in his relationship with this woman and getting together with the OP.

And for those saying the OP should be able to move on if she believes he no longer has feelings for this woman, the problem is that it's not possible for her to know whether he does or not, based on the fact he has lied about his past with her so she has no idea what is truth and what isn't.

The relationship for me would be over, and I'd be making it very clear why. I'd bet money her husband doesn't know either. Oh, and that causing problems within the friendship group? Tough shit.

Plus as well, she knew I didn't know but she continued to come to
My house when I am work. Text my dp with x's which he of course returned. I feel she's and he have been laughing at me