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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp best friend (female)

85 replies

bellalou1234 · 05/09/2017 03:57

Hello,
Aibu, when I met my dp he was close to his female best friend, they would go out together shopping meals ect. I was always fine with this.

We sometimes used to go out as a foursome with her dh. We all used to get on ok, although sometimes the conversation would be for them to reminisce about what they had been up too.

I never thought much about it, but my friend who was her best friend until they had a fall out has told me they used to be sleeping together before we met. I'm devastated I had no idea, he has lied to me when I've asked him if there has ever been anything.

To make matters worse everyone has known, her dp, friends we have in common. I feel like a joke.

Aibu to be upset?

OP posts:
WhoWants2Know · 05/09/2017 18:24

It's all well and good until someone has a row or problem in the marriage and has to sob on the other's shoulder.

expatinscotland · 05/09/2017 18:27

Why did she fall out with her other, female best friend?

Original poster
bellalou1234 · 05/09/2017 18:30

Just kind of a fall out over a night out,l nothing major

OP posts:
frieda909 · 05/09/2017 19:18

I'd be devastated. YANBU.

My partner's friends are nearly all women. That's just the kind of industry he works in and it's never bothered me. However, I found out quite early on that he had a one night stand with one of them about a year before we met. I was so, so upset, even though I knew I had absolutely no right to be and that he'd done nothing wrong. He hadn't lied, he'd answered me truthfully straight away when I asked, but I couldn't shake the horrible feeling that it gave me and it lasted for weeks.

I'm over it now (and they've gradually drifted apart for other reasons) but he's always sworn that nothing's ever happened with any of his other friends, who he still sees regularly.

If I found out now that he'd been lying about this for years then I honestly don't think I'd be able to stay with him. Lying is an absolute deal breaker for me and nothing upsets me more than someone telling me they've lied to me for my own good. I get to be the judge of what's good for me, not someone else.

At the VERY least I'd expect him to be incredibly sorry for lying to me, not shrugging it off.

UnicornSparkles1 · 05/09/2017 19:34

Why did they break up? Or were they friends with benefits?

Friends with benefits - the boundaries are really blurred and probably always will be.

A broken down relationship where they've decided to stay friends I could deal with, as there must be a valid reason why they decided to break up.

Mittens1969 · 05/09/2017 20:13

The issue is really that the OP was lied to by her DH and the 'best friend' for a very long time, and it wasn't her DH who told her. If she'd been told at the start that they were ex-lovers, she could have lived with that.

But now she's feeling that they were laughing at her behind her back, which is understandable.

Original poster
bellalou1234 · 05/09/2017 20:14

Think friends they were both single and one thing led to another! It just hurts so much that they lied. Everyone knew apart from me.

Before I knew he said she's hated all of his exes I now know why. Am such a mug x

OP posts:
chewiecat · 05/09/2017 20:31

I wouldn't worry too much.. when they met they were young and maybe slept together but it's probably totally platonic now. No point telling you that they have because it will just complicate things.

I've been there op and it's best to just let things go

Juicyfruitloop · 05/09/2017 20:42

Sorry I seen your update. If you asked him before and he lied that would be a problem. I would be very upset and also a possible deal breaker for me.

Juicyfruitloop · 05/09/2017 20:44

You are not a mug at all. He is, I'd really call him out of it, does her partner know.

Loopytiles · 05/09/2017 20:47

Not just friends, they are likely to be keeping each other "in reserve", and the lying was selfserving and awful. LTB.

scottishdiem · 05/09/2017 20:53
  1. He lied to you when - at the start and did he keep it up or was it just once?
  2. Do you know if he has lied about anything else.
  3. You seem to have a massive insecurity complex about this. You seem upset that everyone else knew. Did everyone else know you did not know about them and conspired to keep it a secret?
timeisnotaline · 05/09/2017 21:11

I don't think it'd be the end of my relationship but I would justifiably be extremely upset. Ask him how you are supposed to handle feeling like they have been laughing at you. I'd think I would need some distance from her. I'm not sure what I would require of him. I'd certainly ask what else he had lied about so I didn't kick up a fuss! And I'd ask some friends as well.

RaspberryOverload · 05/09/2017 21:28

Before I knew he said she's hated all of his exes I now know why

I'd suspect she's got her husband but likes to keep OP's DP on a string as well. He won't hear a word against her, so she's got him well and truly.

OP, I'd consider whether your relationship can carry on. I don't think you'll ever be his priority.

For me, it's not that he'd had a previous relationship with this woman, but that he lied, and more than once.

LondonNicki · 05/09/2017 22:08

She continued to come to your house when you are at work? Thats an issue and you should have that out with your partner...

kittensinmydinner1 · 06/09/2017 06:36

And yet ... given the opportunity to be 'together' as a couple , she married another man and your husband married you. No one put guns to their heads.

You can make a huge deal of this and end your marriage as the ltb crew would advise - where marriages can/should end at the first sign of less than perfect behaviour. Because to forgive is a sign of weakness guaranteed to lead to a life of being lied to...

Or you can accept his reason at face value tell him not to be a lying twat again and move on.

If it's a good happy marriage to a man you love and loves you , personally I would opt for the latter.

Loopytiles · 06/09/2017 07:51

He lied throughout your relationship, so he could continue to spend plenty of time with his OW.

expatinscotland · 06/09/2017 09:27

Sorry, but with all this lying and his not hearing a word against her, etc. I'd wonder if they're not still bumping uglies.

UnicornSparkles1 · 06/09/2017 10:31

Did he lie because he's had issues with girlfriends taking exception to his BFF in the past? Maybe he lied to give your relationship a chance?

The not hearing a word against her thing is a little weird. Everyone gets irritated by their friends sometimes, even their very best ones.

If you and the bestie were both having a crisis, who would he run to with his support?

Foxysoxy01 · 06/09/2017 11:04

He lied that would be a massive problem for me, maybe even a deal breaker. It's down to you how you feel about that.

The other issue seems to be that he is very over invested in her and their relationship.

If they were really only friends with no chance of it ever going further again then he would have been completely upfront and transparent about it all. Only people that have something to hide keep secrets and skip over details.

I wouldn't worry about everyone else knowing, they probably think you know already so don't give that any headspace.

You need time to think through how you feel. I would ask him for some space so you can both work out how you feel. It might be good to get your partner to do some soul searching too.

LizB62A · 06/09/2017 11:10

I had something similar and I tried to get past it, but it was the dishonesty that made me end it.

SparklyMagpie · 06/09/2017 11:27

I couldn't continue in this relationship

I wouldn't be able to trust either of them

badabing36 · 06/09/2017 11:27

I think it's too big a lie op. Sounds like you've been with this man for a long time. Longer then the best friend has been with her husband. Was he ever going to tell you?

He also refuses to hear a bad word said about her and chooses to spend his annual leave days catching up with her? I'd eave them to it.

Sandsunsea · 06/09/2017 11:32

He has been very stupid by not telling you, he was probably trying to protect you from jealousy but that has now backfired. I don't think you have to worry about theour relationship, any attraction is now firmly in the past and he obviously values her friendship. Nobody will be laughing at you. It's in the past! If you want a future with your dp then I think you have to close the door on this and move on. Have a chat with him about honesty.

Sandsunsea · 06/09/2017 11:33

Their *^

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