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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my partner to go China next year on holiday?!

122 replies

hattiesmumm · 04/09/2017 21:21

Dp has just texted me, saying he's been invited to go China next year. His best mate teaches over there and is going back on Wednesday. He's offered to pay for dps flights.

Aibu to think wtf, he won't go abroad on holiday with me and the kids, but wants to go China?! And when the hell do I get a break/holiday?! I have no friends to go away with! I would LOVE to go traveling to china! 😤😤

OP posts:

Luttrell · 05/09/2017 08:26

I suspect 'D'h isn't going to be all that enthusiastic when the OP says she wishes to travel too. She'll get the 'I work hard and need breaks, you don't' routine before being told she's jealous.

'Tell DH you're going on a solo trip!!1' is idealistic, rarely realistic when the dynamics of the relationship already seem so one-sided. She hasn't had a break so far, why would he give her one now?

Boatmistress17 · 05/09/2017 08:26

I would be planning a family holiday while he is away. . If he won't go then go without him. . He isn't a 'partner' if he won't share a holiday with you but wants to with a friend.

Luttrell · 05/09/2017 08:28

Don't do all-inclusive.

And yes, a free trip to China for a single person is going to be a lot cheaper that four or five people's flights and hotel. Booking hotel and flight seperately will save some too.

Holidays are a luxury. You have to save a lot to go. That'd no surprise.

If you can't afford a family holiday, consider going somewhere solo, as he has done, on a tour with other solo travellers.

Her0utdoors · 05/09/2017 08:33

Of course he shouldn't go op, it would be a massive inequity. From experience ( my dp's before we met) a grown man who is 'still a lad' will be thoughly makeing the most of the ex pet lifestyle, and exploiting prostituted women.

greit · 05/09/2017 08:37

It will give you more leverage for future holidays surely, he won't have a leg to stand on about family holidays abroad.

Send him off with good grace, because anything else would be pointless.

Original poster

hattiesmumm · 05/09/2017 08:38

He isn't a "lad" 😂 And definitely won't be seeing any prositutes. He's not that bad 😂

OP posts:

anotherniceday · 05/09/2017 08:49

He may not be a 'lad' at home.
but, far away from home, and given the opportunity. who knows?
He's with someone single as well.
they will no doubt be going out to bars and clubs in the evening.
Do you honestly think they're not going to chat and get friendly with any women during those times?
Even the most trustworthy people will risk a one night stand if they have the opportunity, especially if they've had a few drinks and they know they'll never be found out.
Sounds like an excuse for a jolly to me.

Lovemusic33 · 05/09/2017 08:50

I would let him go, would probably feel a bit annoyed about it but it's a great opertunity and someone else is paying, I would like to think that one day he could return the favour and let you go abroad without the kids. I don't think you should stop him from going.

pinkdelight · 05/09/2017 09:11

"Even the most trustworthy people will risk a one night stand if they have the opportunity, especially if they've had a few drinks and they know they'll never be found out."

I completely disagree with this, and it doesn't sound like something the OP needs to worry about. Are you saying you'd do it another? Because I wouldn't and neither would plenty of other faithfully married people I know. Obviously some would and they're the ones we hear about more, but that doesn't mean everyone's like that.

Mama1980 · 05/09/2017 09:11

Of course I wouldn't mind, It's an amazing opportunity.
Be pleased for him, and then look at saving for a trip you want to go on.
Yanbu to be slightly jealous but you would be to allow that to spoil his trip.

Original poster

hattiesmumm · 05/09/2017 09:16

I have no worries about him cheating on me or having a one night stand 😂😂 my other thread on her will explain why! He has no body confidence what so ever so I doubt he will be willing to get naked for a random woman. Plus, he doesn't drink. Like at all. He doesn't enjoy nights out. If he was going to cheat, let him. But he knows he has a lot to lose if he did.

OP posts:

Trollspoopglitter · 05/09/2017 09:24

Oh god OP, reading your other thread and wondering why a friend would pay for his holiday... it just screams his friend is his "friend".

Original poster

hattiesmumm · 05/09/2017 09:25

Hahahaha 😂😂😂😂 noooo. 😂😂 his friend came back from china a month ago, they have been friends since primary school. Nothing like that going on 😂😂

OP posts:

Original poster

hattiesmumm · 05/09/2017 09:26

He's paying for his flight, because im guessing he gets home sick being away for so long.

OP posts:

sonjadog · 05/09/2017 09:38

I would take this as an opportunity to revisit the holiday question, or at least make sure that you get a holiday in the not so distant future yourself (with or without kids).

I'm surprised how many poster would stop their partner from taking up an incredible opportunity like this - is it really so hard to want to something good for your partner? Personally, I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who wouldn't let me take up great opportunites that life throws up because they weren't included.

RetirementCarriageClock · 05/09/2017 09:47

I don't believe the friend is paying for his flight. Even if they're life long close friends it still doesn't ring true to me. I think he's lying about that so that you can't object on the grounds of costs. Just my opinion.

If he also did holidays with you and the kids then I'd say it's fair enough he wants to go to China to see a mate.

But basically he doesn't want to go abroad with you, but is enthusiastic about going abroad without you. That would piss me off.

Also, why don't you ever get a break from the kids? Why doesn't he give you a break from the kids?

If he's set on going to China then as soon as he's back, make sure you bugger off on your own for an equivalent length of time. Even if it's just to your parents or whatever. That would be fair.

Original poster

hattiesmumm · 05/09/2017 09:53

I don't have any parents.

He's definitely not paying, friend is very very well off. So is my dp so money isn't a problem if he did want to pay himself.
He's fab at giving me a break and would happily have the kids if I wanted to go away, but i would want to go with him without the kids, as he's my best friend. He wouldn't leave youngest with someone anyway as she's only 1 and has never been away from us.

OP posts:

newbian · 05/09/2017 10:08

DH went on a trip with FIL that wasn't suitable for a baby (sports-focused and camping plus a very long flight), I was still breastfeeding so I couldn't leave the baby behind and join. So I planned a holiday with DD and DM for the same week and we had a lovely time. Is there any relative or friend you could do something similar with?

BarbaraofSevillle · 05/09/2017 10:45

So your DP is well off and is getting a holiday abroad even though he won't go abroad with you, but you can't afford to take his DC and your DCs that he 'treats the same as his own DC' on holiday because it's too expensive? That doesn't sound very fair. Don't you share money?

I can see why the friend wants company of a mate in China if he is there on his own. It is also reasonable that you take the DCs away while DP is away too. But I think this is something that something that should be paid for out of family money.

And in future, you should all go on holiday abroad together, for at least some of your holidays - so alternate years - one year abroad and one year in the UK.

ArcheryAnnie · 05/09/2017 11:14

Let him go, on the condition that if he goes for, eg, two weeks, then you get two weeks away by yourself without the DC, which he looks after in the meantime.

(This funded by family money as you are obviously saving money on DP's flight!)

ArcheryAnnie · 05/09/2017 11:17

I don't believe the friend is paying for his flight. Even if they're life long close friends it still doesn't ring true to me.

RetirementCarriage why? I've had friends pay for a holiday for me, because they wanted me to come and they had the money. If I had the money I'd very happily pay for other friends. It's perfectly normal.

anotherniceday · 05/09/2017 11:50

Obviously some would and they're the ones we hear about more, but that doesn't mean everyone's like that

I wouldn't do it.
However, if I were thousands of miles from home and I'm with someone who's living the single life and if there is an attractive person coming on to me and I'm feeling a bit lonely and I've had a few drinks and I know I'll never be found out (because hey, I'm 'not that type of person) and I'd never do that.
Who knows?

Everybody says 'I would never cheat'.
But sometimes really nice, decent people are turned by temptation.

Anyway, it's all relevant, because even if he did, the OP would never find out.

Nancy91 · 05/09/2017 14:04

It's depressing to assume that your partner will cheat on you if you aren't there to monitor them 24/7.

Chip on your shoulder?

Original poster

hattiesmumm · 05/09/2017 14:22

Exactly. I know he wouldn't cheat on me, we have a healthy relationship and a okay sex life 😂 He doesn't need to cheat on me. And if he did, he will be long gone.

Iv calmed down now. Been looking at butlins for a week with the kids on my own. Getting the train there.

I could afford to go abroad but I'd need passports and stuff and I'm abit scared going abroad on my own.

We share money, he pays for majority of things as he's the one who works. But that isn't an issue, I enjoy it and he doesn't mind.

OP posts:

BalconyBunting · 05/09/2017 14:56

I wouldn't let him go, it sounds really weird that he's not keen to go away with you but wants to go away with this friend to China. That's not normal at all. He should make going away with you and the kids his priority rather than a bachelor holiday.

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