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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my partner to go China next year on holiday?!

122 replies

hattiesmumm · 04/09/2017 21:21

Dp has just texted me, saying he's been invited to go China next year. His best mate teaches over there and is going back on Wednesday. He's offered to pay for dps flights.

Aibu to think wtf, he won't go abroad on holiday with me and the kids, but wants to go China?! And when the hell do I get a break/holiday?! I have no friends to go away with! I would LOVE to go traveling to china! 😤😤

OP posts:
WomblingThree · 05/09/2017 06:51

What's all this "let" him go shit? Presumably he's an adult and doesn't need permission, and presumably the OP does not think she's his mother who "lets" him do things 🙄

@hattiesmumm I'd be seriously pissed off too in your shoes. It's not the money or the holiday itself - it's the fact that he's never shown any interest in doing something so amazing with you. That would hurt like a bitch.

Trollspoopglitter · 05/09/2017 06:55

"Let" because he has parental responsibilities and he's asking (or rather hasn't asked but assumed) the OP to do his share while he's on a holiday.

"Let" because free flights are not a free holiday and his spending money may be family money (unless he's got a holiday fund set up for a holiday he's never wanted to take with his family)

AnnieAnoniMouse · 05/09/2017 07:04

He's a wimp for texting you about it, he should have been man enough to tell you face to face.

He just says he's not really into holidays abroad and prefers it over here

I'd be asking what happened to ^

I'd be fuming. He's stopped you travelling as you'd like to because won't go away with you as a family, but jumps at it with a mate?! 😤 Fuck that for a joke.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 05/09/2017 07:10

YABU. China is an amazing place to visit

Grumpy. Would you like another spoon of salt to rub in the OP's wounds? FFS she's the one that WANTS to go, she's the one that WANTS to travel around China. He wants to stay in the U.K. Until his friend invites him. Then he's all keen to go. I'd be telling him to him& bloody staynthere, selfish git,

HopefullyAnonymous · 05/09/2017 07:26

Does your dp know my DH?! One friend in the group lives in China, the rest of the "boys" are planning a trip to see him next year and celebrate the fact that most of them are hitting a milestone birthday

malificent7 · 05/09/2017 07:36

Yab a bit unreasonable. It sounds like a great opportunity. You csn also do a child friendly holiday with him or go away with your friends at a later date.

peterpancollar · 05/09/2017 07:38

I would be pissed off too. China is a long way away and it wouldn't be worth it for a week's holiday if you factor in the expense and jet lag. So, you're looking at 2. Weeks' annual leave plus spending holiday for him alone which would definitely impact finances with 3 kids let alone any joint childcare/work arrangements.

I would insist that a family holiday took priority finance wise but It would be sour grapes not to let him take the opportunity to visit his friend cheaply. Let him know that you would love to do something similar - I'm sure that he'll be more than amenable for you to abroad as a family as a result so go ahead and plan for that!

Footle · 05/09/2017 07:43

Your husband should get his friend to talk frankly about how he spends his leisure time. A wealthy unattached man may have a perfectly respectable lifestyle, or he may not.

Nancy91 · 05/09/2017 07:49

He's an adult and if he wants to go then he can. Why don't you look into hobbies and clubs near you if you don't have any friends to go away with? You shouldn't try to deprive him of an amazing experience just because you're jealous.

Ellisandra · 05/09/2017 07:50

Oh yeah, it'll be wall to wall opium dens Hmm

Daydreamerbynight · 05/09/2017 07:51

@ellisandra, you tell the OP that she is 'limited' because she 'chose to have children' . OP's partner also chose to have a child, is he therefore not 'limited' ?

You then say that the OP will be able to 'start doing some long weekends off in Europe' and that 'one of two long weekends off is perfectly fair'. Hardly comparable to the partners holiday is it? A trip to China v a long weekend in Europe. To be 'perfectly fair', the OP should take 'off' the equivalent amount of time.

Escargot82 · 05/09/2017 07:52

YABU to repeatedly type "go China" instead of "go to China".

pigeondujour · 05/09/2017 07:53

What a pointlessly snobby irrelevant comment.

eddielizzard · 05/09/2017 07:53

look at him quizzically and say 'i thought the uk was enough for you Confused',

he must argue because he wants to go. 'no no i love to go overseas.'

'ok great, you go to china, and we'll have a family holiday in '.

'we can't go there!'

'oh ok, france then.'

job done. but he must go to china. if the roles were reversed you'd want to go. fight for your next holiday to be overseas and start saving now.

SeaCabbage · 05/09/2017 07:55

If the friend is just paying for the flights, can you afford all the other expenses?

Did you partner tell you by text as he was scared as to your reaction?

Do you trust him and/or the friend to remain respectful and faithful whilst away?

How does your partner justify never wanting to go away with you and now does with his friend?

Why don't you ever have holidays and breaks together?

Original poster
hattiesmumm · 05/09/2017 08:04

So I rang him this morning.

He went on about how this is an amazing opportunity for him, it will only cost him about £200. He really wants to do it and will never get the opportunity to do it again. His friend is there for 18 months for Won't be this year.

I can't help but be so jealous. Iv told him I am, told him I'm abit upset how he won't go on holiday with me and the kids but can go China.

We can afford for him to go. That isn't an issue, he earns good money. I'm just upset that it's expected I'm okay to stay at home with the kids while he travels.

I have no one to go on holiday with, no one ever has the kids so I don't get a break.

I'm jealous, not going to lie 😭

OP posts:
Footle · 05/09/2017 08:06

Ellisandra, OP and her husband may be a bit clueless about life for wealthy unattached expats in the Far East. I'm not stereotyping but I'm not clueless.

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 05/09/2017 08:09

I think you'd be mean not to "let" him go, but I'd be feeling a bit narked, too. If money isn't the issue, can you use this as a chance to negotiate a proper holiday for you and the kids?

pinkdelight · 05/09/2017 08:13

I don't think there's any inherent contradiction. I'm not fussed for holidays abroad but I would and have gone across the world to visit friends. It's completely different as you're not so much a tourist, on the outside sightseeing etc, you're staying with someone who lives there and it's more like normal life, just hanging with your mate but plugged into a new place and seeing a different side to it. I'd be supportive of DH going and he'd be supportive of me. I think as long as you can ensure there's some give and take then there shouldn't be a problem.

runsmidgeOMG · 05/09/2017 08:15

And what was his response when you asked how he could suddenly want to go abroad but not with you or the kids ?

Minkyfluffster · 05/09/2017 08:18

Why not use this to push for a family holiday?

pinkdelight · 05/09/2017 08:18

Just saw your latest post:

"no one ever has the kids so I don't get a break."

Wouldn't he have the kids? And if you want to travel there are several companies who do group trips where you don't need to have a companion and everyone hangs out and treks around together. I understand the jealousy but can you channel it into doing something positive and exciting for yourself? There's no reason to feel stuck. They're his kids too and now you're most definitely owed a big break.

MrsOverTheRoad · 05/09/2017 08:19

OP you're being mean spirited. It's not your partner's fault you don't have anyone to go away with.

I'd never make my husband feel bad about recieving a nice invitation.

You need to tell your partner though, that you expect him to push himself in future and go abroad with you!

Luttrell · 05/09/2017 08:22
  1. If he won't travel with you, you need to make your own plans that don't include him. Either you get go travel alone while he has the kids, or you and the kids go on holidays without him. He does not have the right to dictate that you cannot travel.
  1. While this is his trip, it does seem unfair that he will not travel with you, nor has ever had the kids while you travelled, yet will now go himself. It's his past behaviour that's the issue really - it's tainted this one.

YANBU OP, I'd feel upset too if he'd refused to travel as a family or couple and blocked your plans, yet leapt off to do it when it benefits him.

Original poster
hattiesmumm · 05/09/2017 08:25

Iv told him I'm going to go away the same time as him with the kids. I want to go abroad to somewhere with a beach, pool & all inclusive! It's so expensive! Just looked and they are all 1300k+!

OP posts: