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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my friend is a fool

87 replies

Poshindevon · 04/09/2017 14:08

Eighteen months ago a friend divorced her husband of fifteen years (no children) She was 45 and she ran off with a 20 year old from another country. They married in October 2016 and he entered the UK on a visa end November 2016.
I was one of a handful of people who knew what she was doing and we all begged her not to marry him. Her parents wanted nothing to do with him and friends dropped her .
No one she knew went to the wedding.
Within days of the wedding she was abused but still bought him to the UK.
The marriage has been a huge disaster. He lies , does not work in UK or home country abused and controlled my friend. She was constantly asking me what to do for the best. She is in now in debt and was very unhappy so when he went home on a holiday. She asked the Home Office to cancel his visa which they did.
However she did not tell him his visa was cancelled so when he arrived at the UK airport he was arrested put in a detention centre and sent back after 2 days to his home country.
Once he was gone life returned to normal with parents, family and even ex husband being a good friend.
I was surprised when she admitted she is still in touch with young husband and feels bad for ruining his life ! She believes he never had time to adapt to our culture! She has a selective memory when it comes to the bruises after the beatings and the sexual demands and the controlling behaviour. He called and messaged her 11 times during a 20 minute visit to her mothers telling her to come home. He opened her letters and went through her phone. There were constant violent arguments.
He has been gone since May 2017 and today she said she is going to his country on holiday with a woman friend who has a villa there.
I was shocked. She claims she will not visit toy boy I dont believe her
My friend has some mental health issues (which she is aware of) and her family and I have begged her to see a doctor for treatment
She is also physically disabled.
I am very worried about her going to this country to see her toyboy she does not understand that anything can happen to her in this country where she cannot speak the language and her husband and family could wreak revenge on her.
Frankly I want to walk away and have nothing more to do with her as nothing I say gets through. I am the only friend who knows what shes up to
As she says herself when she gets an idea in her head she just acts upon it.

OP posts:
AgentProvocateur · 04/09/2017 14:21

Yes, she's a fool, but an adult fool of sound mind and there's nothing you can do to stop her unfortunately. I would feel the same way as you, though.

BMW6 · 04/09/2017 14:26

Hide her passport..........

MyBrilliantDisguise · 04/09/2017 14:28

I think it's really serious. Tbh I would worry about her getting murdered by him.

MsPassepartout · 04/09/2017 14:36

Yes, very very foolish.

Doesn't sound like there's anything you can do about it though.

ChicRock · 04/09/2017 14:38

She asked the Home Office to cancel his visa which they did

Really? Just like that?

Anyway, presumably you've said your piece to her so now you have to leave her to it, there's nothing you can realistically do.

Neutrogena · 04/09/2017 14:39

@MyBrilliantD
I would worry about her getting murdered by him.

How do you extrapolate that? Because he's a man?

PerUnaStubbs · 04/09/2017 14:41

it sounds like she's not going to listen to you whatever you say. Will she give you her itinerary or contact details, so at least you know where to send the police if she doesn't come back, or seems to be in trouble?

WyfOfBathe · 04/09/2017 14:44

How do you extrapolate that? Because he's a man?
Because he's physically abusive.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/09/2017 14:45

I don't think it's so far fetched that he would attack her and maybe kill her Neutrogena. He's controlling, abusive and she stood up for herself. That's very dangerous.

ohtheholidays · 04/09/2017 14:47

Tell her family,she won't thank you for it but she really doesn't sound like she'a acting with a sound mind and it sounds like she needs someone to talk to her that might be able to stop her going.

AdalindSchade · 04/09/2017 14:48

Bear in mind under local laws he may have the right to inherit her estate if she dies there. Hard to enforce but her husband may not know that. Or may think it's worth the risk.

Seeingadistance · 04/09/2017 14:50

@MyBrilliantD
I would worry about her getting murdered by him.

How do you extrapolate that? Because he's a man?

That, and the history of violence - physical, sexual and psychological. Then there is also the fact that her actions resulted in his being detained and then deported.

Yes, I would say she is at real risk of physical harm if she goes to see him in his country.

jeaux90 · 04/09/2017 14:54

I'm not sure how she cancelled his visa!

Anyway this aside if he has documents to prove they are still married (no idea under which jurisdiction they did this) and she is going to his country I would say that there are some risks she needs to be aware of depending on where she is going of course.

RideOn · 04/09/2017 14:56

Getting an idea in her head and acting on it, that is impulsive.
To plan a trip to his country with another woman, that is planned poor judgement. Initally I was thinking she is so vulnerable, but now she is putting herself in that situation.

I might also mention it to a family member. By telling just you, you have been put in a worrying position and even the fact she cannot see that is worrying.

SomedayMyPrinceWillCome · 04/09/2017 14:58

If she is still legally married to him, could he prevent her from leaving "his" country?

Gemini69 · 04/09/2017 14:58

Cancelling his Visa is easily done... not hassle atall.. all she had to say was that he married her for the Visa... quick check of age etc.. end of.. no Entry..

I do however struggle to feel sympathy for stupid people like this.... yes OP your friend is a complete numb skull Flowers

Margomyhero · 04/09/2017 14:58

I would worry about her safety .

Original poster
Poshindevon · 04/09/2017 15:01

Thank you all for your replies. I knew I was not exagerating the threat to her. Her parents are elderly and worried but little they can do.
ChicRock you can apply to cancel a spouse visa there is a dedicated page on the Home Office website. Home Office refer to it as curtailment of the spouse visa. You simply fill in the form and give a few details.
It took about two weeks for the cancellation letter to be issued. It gives no right of appeal.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 04/09/2017 15:03

I think your worry is definitely justified.

Original poster
Poshindevon · 04/09/2017 15:04

SomedayMyPrince yes he could prevent her from leaving as she is married to him under the law of his country.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 04/09/2017 15:10

I'm afraid I'd be tempted to hide her passport, too.

Does this friend with the villa know about what happened? Can you or others speak to her and perhaps she will rescind the invitation?

dishwasher71 · 04/09/2017 15:19

You are right to be worried. He will react very, very badly and try to stop her coming home. He may even hurt her friend. His abusive behaviour would suggest he comes from a culture which does not value women very highly, and as such, she will find that the law is unofficially on his side. She should at the very least make sure she knows the emergency numbers in the destination country and the number of the nearest British Embassy. She should lodge a copy of her passport somewhere she can reach it and make sure that people know where she is at all times. At no stage should she allow herself to be alone with him.

For goodness' sake, we all understand that her self-esteem is very low, and what has happened is awful, but it is better to try to forget and never go near his home country again.

Atenco · 04/09/2017 15:32

His abusive behaviour would suggest he comes from a culture which does not value women very highly

Oh you mean like the UK?

Neutrogena · 04/09/2017 15:33

It sounds as if she is a rather silly woman. I hope you can help her.
I now think she will get murdered if she goes, so can you tell the police that her life is at risk.
Her going is a form of insanity, so can't the authorities do anything?

jeaux90 · 04/09/2017 15:34

If she is going to a country with strict laws and if he accuses her of something against the law then she will be fucked. Her British passport doesn't mean shit in some of these places. I'm not exaggerating I lived out in one of them.

The embassy will do fuck all in the cases of domestic violence for example. He could accuse her of adultery...also against the law in some places.

Where is she going?