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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend is a fool

87 replies

Poshindevon · 04/09/2017 14:08

Eighteen months ago a friend divorced her husband of fifteen years (no children) She was 45 and she ran off with a 20 year old from another country. They married in October 2016 and he entered the UK on a visa end November 2016.
I was one of a handful of people who knew what she was doing and we all begged her not to marry him. Her parents wanted nothing to do with him and friends dropped her .
No one she knew went to the wedding.
Within days of the wedding she was abused but still bought him to the UK.
The marriage has been a huge disaster. He lies , does not work in UK or home country abused and controlled my friend. She was constantly asking me what to do for the best. She is in now in debt and was very unhappy so when he went home on a holiday. She asked the Home Office to cancel his visa which they did.
However she did not tell him his visa was cancelled so when he arrived at the UK airport he was arrested put in a detention centre and sent back after 2 days to his home country.
Once he was gone life returned to normal with parents, family and even ex husband being a good friend.
I was surprised when she admitted she is still in touch with young husband and feels bad for ruining his life ! She believes he never had time to adapt to our culture! She has a selective memory when it comes to the bruises after the beatings and the sexual demands and the controlling behaviour. He called and messaged her 11 times during a 20 minute visit to her mothers telling her to come home. He opened her letters and went through her phone. There were constant violent arguments.
He has been gone since May 2017 and today she said she is going to his country on holiday with a woman friend who has a villa there.
I was shocked. She claims she will not visit toy boy I dont believe her
My friend has some mental health issues (which she is aware of) and her family and I have begged her to see a doctor for treatment
She is also physically disabled.
I am very worried about her going to this country to see her toyboy she does not understand that anything can happen to her in this country where she cannot speak the language and her husband and family could wreak revenge on her.
Frankly I want to walk away and have nothing more to do with her as nothing I say gets through. I am the only friend who knows what shes up to
As she says herself when she gets an idea in her head she just acts upon it.

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 04/09/2017 15:40

Hiding her PP is fine in theory. In practice, though. Its not going to work. If she's that determined to go. Nothing will stand in her way. She'll just apply for another one. You can get them next day, can't you.
With the best will in the world. I think the only thing you can do is keep on advising her. You can't or rather won't stop her. She's 45 she's not 15

I feel sorry for all of you. Her more so. Her self esteem must be so trampled that. She's prepared to go back to someone who abuses her. She's old enough to be his mother. Does he knock his own mum around. Its enternal damnation for him, if he does. I mean hitting your wife is unforgivable, but Your mother, well that's beyond corrupt.

HorridHenryrule · 04/09/2017 15:42

Your friend maybe needy she could be feeling lonely. I hope for her sake she doesn't go.

ChicRock · 04/09/2017 15:45

Wow I honestly didn't think it'd be that easy to cancel a spouse visa.

Well I don't think it takes a huge stretch of imagination to think that the possibility of your friend being seriously hurt or even killed is real - by her physically and sexually abusive, controlling, ex-husband who surely holds a grudge about having his visa cancelled by her and being detained then returned to his home country.

I think you need to get hold of the friend who's villa she'll be staying at and explain fully the situation. Likewise I'd be telling her family of her plans. If the villa owner is any kind of friend she'll come up with some reason why they can't go after all.

SandyY2K · 04/09/2017 15:47

I don't know why some people fail to see the obvious. Does she have siblings? Or other family. At the very least get her to make a will before she goes.

Neutrogena · 04/09/2017 15:54

It sounds like a tragic and sad 'Darwin Award'
Fingers crossed she doesn't go.
You have to do everything you can OP - it sounds like this is a potential life or death situation.

sonjadog · 04/09/2017 16:02

I don´t if there is much that you can to, tbh. Do you have any written evidence of the abuse - text messages, emails, etc? You could try sitting her down and showing her what happened - try to stop her rewriting history.

Original poster
Poshindevon · 04/09/2017 16:06

AcrossthePond55 I have never heard about the woman with the villa before now. I think she maybe a cover story.
My friend just messaged and said she still loves toy boy and needs to go there because she cant think straight here ...Grrrrrrrrrr
I dont pussy foot around with her I tell her exactly like it is but I might as well hit my head against the wall.
She is deluded and obsessed !

OP posts:
Original poster
Poshindevon · 04/09/2017 16:09

sonjadog I have done that. Photos of bruises, vile messages etc
Its as if she has selective memory.

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 04/09/2017 16:18

Kidnap her.

PoorYorick · 04/09/2017 16:18

Kidnap her.

NoYouDontKnowItAll · 04/09/2017 16:24

OP I'm glad I stumbled across your post and read about the cancellation thing for the spouse visas because my ex is from abroad and we have a child who I fear could be abducted, so I regularly use the Reunite International website. Being divorced the visa thing doesn't apply to me now but there's another woman on the parents forum there who is still married to someone from the same country that I was and is looking for a way out so I can tell her about this now. Cheers for the info

EternalOptimistToo · 04/09/2017 16:30

Why didn't she also get divorced rather than just cancelling the visa?

I would direct her towards WA and rape crisis. She needs to see a counsellor ASAP, before she leaves so she has the chance to sort her head out.

When is she leaving?

Trollspoopglitter · 04/09/2017 16:33

"SomedayMyPrince yes he could prevent her from leaving as she is married to him under the law of his country."

No he cannot if she is on a tourism visa and she is not a citizen of the country.

Does the country she is visiting require an exit visa as well as an entry visa? Does she still hold a valid residence visa?

pasturesgreen · 04/09/2017 16:33

Yes, your friend does indeed sound like a fool. Not much you can do about it, though.

Trollspoopglitter · 04/09/2017 16:35

Divorce isn't as simple as in the UK and in many countries, takes years if the woman attempts to divorce a man (I'm guessing this is one the countries where the man just announces his divorce thrice for it be valid).

BitOutOfPractice · 04/09/2017 16:36

What country is it OP?

chirpyburbycheapsheep · 04/09/2017 16:37

The thing is, unless you can get her assessed and declared that she lacks mental capacity there is little you can do apart from put safety measures in place as others have suggested. There is a fine line between being mentally unable to make decisions and just having extraordinarily bad judgement.

I knew a woman in a similar situation. Got together with a much younger man while on holiday in a very poor African country. It astounds me that it doesn't occur to them that the visa and wealth of the UK are these men's main interest. Same running off to his country, same abusive behaviour from him when she didn't do what he wanted, demands for money, but still she was obsessed. I don't know what happened as I moved away and she was more of an acquaintance than friend. I've been to morocco quite a few times and many men were proposing marriage as that is what they believe is their ticket to a better life. I do think there needs to be some sort of education around this stuff. I'm not saying there are people who don't genuinely fall in love but a lot of the time the motive isn't love. Good luck Flowers

SemiNormal · 04/09/2017 16:38

You're right to be worried!

A woman I was close to was recently divorced in her 50s, met a toy boy in another country. Of course she had money from the divorce and had apparently bought land out in this other country. When she went out there she 'died' in a 'car accident' and was apparently not wearing her seatbelt! The whole 'story' doesn't wash with those of us who knew her as she ALWAYS wore her seatbelt, I guess there is the chance that out there she felt the roads were safer who knows but no one ever knew where all her money had gone to. I don't know which country you're speaking about but in some countries the police are extremely corrupt and will take pay outs to cover up certain things.

SemiNormal · 04/09/2017 16:39

chirpyburbycheapsheep - wondering if it's the same woman I knew, although I guess it seems this kind of thing is fairly common.

fakenamefornow · 04/09/2017 16:47

If you feel she is in serious danger and you have evidence of the abuse she has suffered I would take it to the police. I don't imagine they can do anything but they might have advice and solutions we don't know of. Also if something does happen to her it will be noted that concerns were raised here before she left.

QueenStromba · 04/09/2017 16:55

Am I right in assuming that the country in question is an Islamic country? If so, get her sectioned if needs be - she's running the risk of being a victim of honour killing for embarrassing her husband. She'd also get no help from the authorities there if he decided to hold her captive.

jeaux90 · 04/09/2017 17:13

At trolls tourist visa or not if he accuses her of something against the law she can be detained. Being British means zip in those circumstances.

Atenco · 04/09/2017 17:33

Sorry, OP, for derailing but the little Englander remarks are really getting my goat. As if abusive men can only come from abroad and a particular culture.

QueenStromba · 04/09/2017 17:40

Are you going to apologise for the little Englander dig if he does turn out to be from that particular culture Atenco?

Original poster
Poshindevon · 04/09/2017 18:04

I have found out that the woman with the villa is British and in the middle of a divorce from her husband also from this country and now has a new boyfriend from the same country and yes it is an Islamic country. So the woman with the villa is probably as foolish as my friend.
My friend is an only child. Other friends dropped her when she divorced husband for "visa geezer"
EternalOptimistToo my friend has not been married one year so could not get divorced in UK. It is easier to cancel the visa this is also better grounds for divorce.
She claims she is not ready to divorce toy boy yet as she still loves him Hmm
NoYouDontKnowItAll the visa website is
Www.gov.uk/visas-when-you-seperate-or-divorce
I dont think these are Little Britain comments unfortunately this man does come from a country where wife beating and abuse is accepted
I have done everything I can to stop my friend from going but she has booked the ticket and is going in one week.

OP posts: