Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend is a fool

87 replies

Poshindevon · 04/09/2017 14:08

Eighteen months ago a friend divorced her husband of fifteen years (no children) She was 45 and she ran off with a 20 year old from another country. They married in October 2016 and he entered the UK on a visa end November 2016.
I was one of a handful of people who knew what she was doing and we all begged her not to marry him. Her parents wanted nothing to do with him and friends dropped her .
No one she knew went to the wedding.
Within days of the wedding she was abused but still bought him to the UK.
The marriage has been a huge disaster. He lies , does not work in UK or home country abused and controlled my friend. She was constantly asking me what to do for the best. She is in now in debt and was very unhappy so when he went home on a holiday. She asked the Home Office to cancel his visa which they did.
However she did not tell him his visa was cancelled so when he arrived at the UK airport he was arrested put in a detention centre and sent back after 2 days to his home country.
Once he was gone life returned to normal with parents, family and even ex husband being a good friend.
I was surprised when she admitted she is still in touch with young husband and feels bad for ruining his life ! She believes he never had time to adapt to our culture! She has a selective memory when it comes to the bruises after the beatings and the sexual demands and the controlling behaviour. He called and messaged her 11 times during a 20 minute visit to her mothers telling her to come home. He opened her letters and went through her phone. There were constant violent arguments.
He has been gone since May 2017 and today she said she is going to his country on holiday with a woman friend who has a villa there.
I was shocked. She claims she will not visit toy boy I dont believe her
My friend has some mental health issues (which she is aware of) and her family and I have begged her to see a doctor for treatment
She is also physically disabled.
I am very worried about her going to this country to see her toyboy she does not understand that anything can happen to her in this country where she cannot speak the language and her husband and family could wreak revenge on her.
Frankly I want to walk away and have nothing more to do with her as nothing I say gets through. I am the only friend who knows what shes up to
As she says herself when she gets an idea in her head she just acts upon it.

OP posts:
QueenStromba · 04/09/2017 18:16

I really do think you should try to have her sectioned, it'll probably ruin your relationship but I doubt you'd ever forgive yourself if she doesn't come back.

NoYouDontKnowItAll · 04/09/2017 18:16

Thanks OP, I've transferred the information on for the woman on Reunite but their messaging system isn't instant like this one so I dunno when she'll see it, but better than not at all

Your friend's circumstances are obviously very worrying. My own marriage wasn't a scam etc but it did make me wonder a bit when my now ex started complaining that I moved out of London.

As for PPs saying they can't stop your friend leaving it actually depends on the country, in Algeria for example (a neighbour country to my ex's) if you are a female you have to have the permission of your husband (or father if not married) to leave

Atenco · 04/09/2017 19:29

Are you going to apologise for the little Englander dig if he does turn out to be from that particular culture Atenco

No

Because I have the vice of reading Mumsnet, I know that there are lots of abusive men in the UK and I live in Mexico and also know that there are lots of abusive men here. In fact, I don't think there is any country in the world where there are no abusive men. The legal aspects of whether a wife needs her husband permission to leave the country is of course extremely relevant.

Trollspoopglitter · 04/09/2017 19:39

Jeaux, that's not what the OP said. And you can be detained by any county including this one, if someone accuses you of a crime (but I do know what you're getting at.)

jeaux90 · 04/09/2017 19:55

Difference is trolls you can be detained in some Islamic countries for being accused of having sex with another man (even if it's rape)

OP her marriage was it a civil one or Islamic one? In what country?

This is relevant (albeit she can still be arrested even if she isn't married to him)

Usually women can only be stopped from leaving the country if they are married or on spouse visa for example.

sonjadog · 04/09/2017 20:02

If she is convinced to go, could you try to persuade her to have some sort of safety net in place? For instance, transfer money out of her current account so that he can´t empty it, give copies of her passport and plane ticket to you or family so that if they taken away from her, there will be copies available, be aware of where the nearest embassy is, etc.

It´s not much and may be no help in the end, but it is maybe better than nothing?

Original poster
Poshindevon · 04/09/2017 20:03

jeaux90 my friend married in a civil ceremony not a nikah religious ceremony. She is legally married that is why her husband was able to come to the UK.

OP posts:
fakenamefornow · 04/09/2017 20:06

I'm guessing Turkey.

jeaux90 · 04/09/2017 20:07

Look I am crapping myself on her behalf having to have had to negotiate my way (and dd) out of a gulf state. (Long story)

Will she listen to anyone?

Trollspoopglitter · 04/09/2017 20:09

Without knowing the country, it's all speculation but I personally have never heard of an Islamic law that allows a country's citizen to detain a foreigner (just because he's married to her). With a child yes, but that's separate.

MargaretTwatyer · 04/09/2017 20:23

Women have to have permission of their husbands/fathers to leave Saudi Arabia. They have to be with them and sign a form and they're texted if they try to leave.

There was a case recently where a daughter with British citizenship was detained, they had to go to court in London at great expense to try and free her, so it's not quite as simple as saying she couldn't be detained. Under their laws she could, and it would probably take a lot of expense and legal wrangling to change that.

jeaux90 · 04/09/2017 20:23

Trolls look at cases in some of the gulf states. And yes you can be prevented from leaving the country in some of them by your husband or indeed your employer. In fact depending on your employer they can keep your passport.

Also they inform the banks when you hand in your notice, can freeze your bank accounts so you can't leave and the shitty list goes on. Your citizenship is irrelevant.

But yes it all depends on where OP's friend is going.

BackieJerkhart · 04/09/2017 20:33

Christ this is scary OP. Is your friend mentally unwell right now? Do you think she is going through a depressive or manic episode? TBF it sounds like she is a risk to herself and I wonder if the photos of bruises coupled with her mental health would be enough for the police to do anything. Probably not. I have no idea what authorities you would speak to about this but I really hope there is someone who can step in.

MrsJamesAspey · 04/09/2017 20:43

Tell her family,she won't thank you for it but she really doesn't sound like she'a acting with a sound mind and it sounds like she needs someone to talk to her that might be able to stop her going.

I'd do this too, if she's determined to go then you need as many people as possible aware and doing what they can to stop her.

Original poster
Poshindevon · 04/09/2017 20:49

I do not want to say what the country is as this may "out my friend"
trollspoopglitter its not a case of Islamic law if the husband takes her passport and holds her against her will who is going to help her?
My friends mother and I have urged her to seek counselling/medical help for her mental health issues and she always has an excuse not to go.
She is naive to the point where she appears stupid and is always saying she cant think because her head is in a muddle. She has been diagnosed with OCD and anxiety.
It seems I am the only one who cares about her safety. As I said before her parents are elderly and have no say in her life even her ex husband has said nothing.
She sent me message earlier saying she cant wait to go and hopes it might rekindle things !!! I give up.

OP posts:
NoYouDontKnowItAll · 04/09/2017 20:52

Without knowing the country, it's all speculation but I personally have never heard of an Islamic law that allows a country's citizen to detain a foreigner (just because he's married to her). With a child yes, but that's separate

Like I said upthread, Algeria is one such country, yes the child issue is separate but someone being a foreigner is irrelevant to whether they can be refused to exit the country or not. British and other foreign passports are not a protection/exemption from that law as they don't seem to believe that has jurisdiction over their sexism by the looks of it . The law is about control of women whether they have children or not as even if you're not married you still need a father's permission.

I read on another thread that if you've worked in a first job in Dubai for less than a year and leave then you're automatically banned from going back, some places have really strange rules

Trollspoopglitter · 04/09/2017 20:56

Er, her embassy?! They issue her a new passport.

I'm well aware of the laws regarding a working visa in the Gulf states - it's completely irrelevant to his and just plain scaremongering Hmm

Trollspoopglitter · 04/09/2017 20:56

This

Trollspoopglitter · 04/09/2017 20:58

No... THEIR WOMEN, THEIR CITIZENS. Not a foreign national. What you're reading on another thread (and completely misunderstanding) isn't helpful.

thatdearoctopus · 04/09/2017 20:59

His abusive behaviour would suggest he comes from a culture which does not value women very highly

Oh you mean like the UK?

What a ridiculous thing to say, Atenco. Yes, there are abusive men in every country, but you seriously think that the UK's culture doesn't value women? And offer (legal) protection where possible?

Trollspoopglitter · 04/09/2017 21:03

"Women have to have permission of their husbands/fathers to leave Saudi Arabia."

And Saudi men have to have special permission to marry non-Saudi nationals and be at least 40 years old, so we can safely rule out KSA as the country the OP's friend resided and married in. Wink

guiltybystander · 04/09/2017 21:05

If stupid people want to do stupid things, there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 04/09/2017 21:10

She's not stupid. She's ill

NoYouDontKnowItAll · 04/09/2017 21:14

No need to shout, there is value in everyone's contributions to a thread

Makes no difference if its their citizens or a foreign citizen married to one of their citizens, the rules are the same there

Taylor22 · 04/09/2017 21:16

I am so so sorry OP.

Honestly, I would scream, shout and rant at her. And then if she doesn't listen start the grieving process. Because the moment she goes will be the last time you see her.
He will kill her.

Swipe left for the next trending thread