To resent saying 'Excuse me'?

[Hundredacrewoods]

If I'm on a crowded bus/train, where people are standing, and an inconsiderate person is obstructing an empty seat by either placing their bag on an empty seat, or sitting in the aisle seat blocking an empty window seat, AIBU to not want to say 'Excuse me', because:

1. It puts an onus on me to have to say/do something to alter their behaviour, when the onus should be on them to not do it in the first place.
2. If I say 'Excuse me', and the person then moves, it feels like they're doing me a favour - they're not. They're doing the bare minimum, what they should have done in the first place.

I've been thinking of alternate phrases that put the focus on them and their inconsiderate behaviour, rather than imply I'm asking them a favour. What do you think of 'You can see there are people standing' or 'What's wrong with this picture?'

I think if that's all you have to worry about you lead a pretty charmed life to be honest, even if you do occasionally have to stand on public transport.

I really don't think this is worth thinking about - usually 'excuse me' has the desired effect so just say that. "What is wrong with this picture" sounds awful actually, very teacher-ish.

That's why they leave the bag there/ sit in the aisle when the window seat is empty and the train I'd full, it puts the onus on you to ask.

"Is this seat taken?"
And then thank them when they move

I just say loudly and firmly "move your bag please/shift over , I want to sit down".

First rule of Buddhism, try not to be a dick.

Their behaviour is not yours. Yours is.

I say excuse me. Because I own my shit. They can own theirs.

Good luck with that, OP. Let us know how you get on.

While I see your point I'm not sure it's worth the hassle.

One thing I have done before that you might like, if I'm seated & other people are standing further down, is helpfully point out that there are spare seats at this end. Cue seat hoggers looking either embarrassed or irritated and shifting up.

(And I do get that some people just prefer aisle seats. That's fine because I prefer window seats. I'm thinking of the ones who take up two seats.)

nothing wrong with asking politely, with a smile.

I think this is an OP who doesn't use the transport system regularly, because otherwise would want to be nicer to people she sees every day!

I say Excuse Me with a genial smile on my face. However, inside I am a smiling assassin. You get one chance to make things right or my fat ass is going to sit down.

People don't tend to choose seats based on where will most piss you off, maybe they're more comfortable in the aisle or prefer a bit of space while there's opportunity rather than squashing up next to a stranger sooner than they really have to. Say excuse me, be polite and be thankful you have time to worry about this!

I agree with you OP, I am not a Buddhist and think it's important to call people out on their rudeness.

When there are bags on seats I just start sitting, making it clear they move it sharpish or I'll sit on it. If they're taking up two seats, maybe you could try asking if their imaginary friend really needs that seat?

This is a 'two wrongs don't make a right' situation. They may be rude by not offering to move, but being passive aggressive or acting as though your some kind of commuting crusader for justice is no better really. I second simply asking ' is this seat taken?' as apart from anything it will be more comfortable to sit next to someone if you haven't just come over all supercilious at them.

If it's just a bag on a seat and I can get to it without stepping over the person I just smile and vaguely gesture and say "hi, I'm just going to sit there" - I'm not asking permission, I'm telling them, but politely.

If it's a window seat and they're on the aisle I will say excuse me because it will inconvenience them to move. I understand why they might choose an aisle seat; sometimes I do myself and I'll gladly stand up to let someone else to get to the window. It's not a big deal

It's so rude to leave your bag, coat etc on seats on busy public transport like others I ask them to move their stuff. I love how some people tut or roll their eyes at my reasonable request as if you are putting them out. Much prefer to cycle to work.

First, say 'Excuse me'
If they have headphones/eyes csed, I just walk across and gently and slowly start reaching to move their bag/bodypart.
They always move.

No need for aggression.
Keep smiling.

I always sit in the aisle seat if I can. My thought process doesn't run, "oooo I can piss off Hundredacrewoods this morning." It's because I have a ridiculously heavy bag with work papers and a brick of a laptop. Sitting with that on my lap makes my legs go numb. The window seats have kind of a ledge running down the side of the train so there is a foot widths less space. Which means if I sit there I have to twist myself awkwardly to jam my feet and bag into 'my' space. Which means that by the time I get off the train, my back is aching. One of the perks of getting on at the first stop is usually having a chance to choose your seat. Just make eye contact and point at the seat with a smile if you don't want to say anything. Or do what 99% of people do and say, "Is that seat free?"

I agree with what mrsterrypratchett says - you have to own your own behaviour and not try and control others

I have no idea what's going on in someone else's life but I've spent a lot of time on public transport recently and there's plenty of people struggling with young children/upset over a phone call/lost in their own problems. They're just not fully 'there'. So asking politely brings them into the present.

YABU. Your 'alternative phrases' are unnecessary and rude. Why waste time getting worked up about this? Say excuse me and sit down. Don't you have bigger fish to fry?

What do you think of 'You can see there are people standing' or 'What's wrong with this picture?

I think those phrases are fine if you are spoiling for a fight or a mouthful of abuse.

I just say "is someone sitting here?" as could be possible a person has left bag/cardigan to go to the loo. Never had anyone refuse to move a bag.

Sometimes people do it on purpose, sometimes people put their bag down when it's not busy and just zone out on their journey.

Nothing wrong with choosing the aisle seat

I really think you should say 'What's wrong with this picture'. Then report back here.

What do you think of 'You can see there are people standing' or 'What's wrong with this picture?

Well, those phrases are fine... if you are happy to sound like a pompous prat.
Just indicate you wish to sit in the window seat or ask politely if you can. No need to try to humiliate or embarrass your fellow commuter.
99% of people are fundamentally decent and it's probably a case of them preferring to initially sit in the aisle seat and then not realising that there are others in need of a seat.

As my Granny always said "two wrongs don't make a right".

I find being polite tends to have a better effect than "Oy you, shove up!"

But each to their own.

And just a word of warning, if you continue to be a seething boil of resentment, you'll end up with an ulcer. Just saying.