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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to a wedding two days before Christmas

114 replies

user1485342611 · 03/09/2017 16:08

Just been told to save the date for a colleague's wedding on Saturday 23rd December. It will be a three hour drive away so will probably have to drive back on 24th. I really don't want to spend Christmas Eve knackered tired after a late night and long drive. Neither do I really want the pressure of having to attend a wedding in the final rush up to Christmas, or to miss out on the carol service which we all traditionally attend on that Saturday evening. Another colleague, with who I'm friendly, was really surprised when I said I was trying to come up with an excuse not to go, and I'm starting to wonder if I'm being unreasonable.

I hate weddings at the best of times, and this will just put me under huge pressure.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 03/09/2017 16:44

nobody has the time to give away days/overnights on christmas eve.. blimey I'm still wrapping like a crazy women...

RebeccaWrongDaily · 03/09/2017 16:46

i'd go, i love Christmas weddings.
I find mumsnetters EXHAUSTION after a late night a bit Hmm

We have (and do) often go away and return home on Xmas eve- just make sure everything's done before we go, and then chill.

Nothing sucks the joy out Xmas more than a red faced, harassed, angry martyr mum.

eternalopt · 03/09/2017 16:47

I love weddings, but I definitely wouldn't go to one on Christmas Eve eve. The kids will have just finished school and it's the time to wind down and do some Christmas prep. Trekking to the other side of the country would be too much of a ball ache for me.

Bluntness100 · 03/09/2017 16:47

Mumsnet hates a wedding at the best of times and sees it as some form of cheeky affrontry and demand for money.

I'd go, because I love a get together, and I think it's a great way to kick off Xmas and I'd be off work anyway. I can't imagine preferring a carol service instead to such an extent I'd be worried about an early night the night before it. So different strokes for different folks. If you don't want to just say you have family staying or something. I'm sure they won't mind, you're neither friend or family.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/09/2017 16:48

You don't need to make up a polite excuse. You have given 2 already - you don't want to do the drive and it's too close to Christmas for your comfort - so why the hell are you still angsting about it?
Probably because you realise those are pretty shitty excuses in themselves, hey?
So that's why you want to make one up.
She's nice, she's invited you, you don't want to go, you don't want to hurt her feelings - but you can't just be honest and tell her the reasons that it's too much for you.

I'd prefer the truth to a made up excuse, personally. Your bar for shitty is not the same as mine, clearly - and that's ok. We each have our own standards for what is acceptable TO US.

MarcyMercy · 03/09/2017 16:49

Even with save the dates, I engineer a holiday or whatever somewhere within a week of the save the date summons. Sorry I am BAAAD, but I will not go to a wedding anymore that is not family.

Too many strangers, too boring, too long to travel, too much expense. Who will miss me?

No one will if I am not family, and if anyone does, that is their problem, not mine.

Sprinklestar · 03/09/2017 16:53

Oh my. I wouldn't go, OP. It's a crazy time of year for most people and they'll likely be expecting a few no's.

I had a friend who got married between Xmas and New Year. Last minute, DH and I had less than a week together anyway (he was working abroad). We had to rearrange everything with family and spent a very stressful week driving back and forth across the country. Another friend didn't go at all and the bride fell out with him permanently.

If you organize a wedding at a peak holiday time, you need to grow a thick skin and expect people to have prior commitments.

MarcyMercy · 03/09/2017 16:58

BTW wedding invitations are lovely. They have thought of you, like you, want you to be there.

But if YOU don't want to be there, you just don't go. Simple isn't it?

B+G won't have time to think about whether you are there or not.

Just send a lovely card and pressie with Yuletide and Wedding greetings and a gift. Job done.

No wonder there is so much anxiety lurking around everything these days. Just pull up the big knickers and do what is best for YOU.

It's not as if the wedding won't happen. It's a fishing exercise for the caterers, aligned with a nice invite for you. They know this time of year is crap for anyone to travel. They KNOW this.

Original poster
user1485342611 · 03/09/2017 17:00

Yeah, you're right Marcy. I'll just say I already have family commitments that I can't really rearrange, so travelling that close to Christmas won't be possible for me. As I said, she's very nice but I wouldn't count her as a really close friend so hopefully she won't take offence.

OP posts:
Chewbecca · 03/09/2017 17:01

I think it sounds lovely and would certainly go for someone I was fond of. If I wasn't bothered about the person, I wouldn't bother with the wedding. How close are you to the person, you describe them as a colleague not a friend suggesting you're not bothered about seeing them wed, in which case, don't go.

C8H10N4O2 · 03/09/2017 17:02

"usernnnnn thanks inviter(s) for the kind invitation to the wedding of colleague on 23rd December 2018 but regrets that she is unable to accept.

Optionally:
"she/they would like to convey her best wishes to the the bride and groom for a wonderful day" (with further option to ask if there is a gift register, to assuage the guilt, in a handwritten reply)

etiquette, fortunately, does not require you to detail an excuse.

morningconstitutional2017 · 03/09/2017 17:05

I would politely but firmly decline. You don't have to come up with a fancy excuse other than to say (if asked) that you can't make it and leave it at that.

After the Christmas break ask her how the wedding went and say that you were sorry you couldn't be there but hope they had a good time.

susurration · 03/09/2017 17:05

Just say you can't go. Don't tell anyone you're trying to make up an excuse, that will definitely get back to the bride and piss her off.

But I agree christmas weddings sounds nice in theory but are a pain in the arse. We went to one on NYE and it was bloody annoying.

hornetgirl · 03/09/2017 17:05

I thought due to a recent thread on mumsnet that "save the date" didn't actually constitute an invite anyway!

coddiwomple · 03/09/2017 17:07

It's very kind of her to invite you, but do not feel bad in the slightest to decline, because of prior commitments.

I would go if it was a close family member or very close friend, but otherwise, I would not either. I want to enjoy Christmas with my kids, we are lucky pre-Christmas is a weekend this year.

Christmas time is usually for family-only weddings, most people are truly busy.

SaveMeBarry · 03/09/2017 17:07

I don't particularly love weddings myself and certainly wouldn't want to attend one right on top of Christmas. I'd lie though rather than let the person know I just don't want to, no need to hurt their feelings!

Given it's Christmas surely it's easy enough to come up with an excuse such as travelling to family or family arriving to you? Plus lots of people have things that are set in stone every year so you could surely say "that's the day great auntie Mabel hosts the family from all over the UK, she'd cut me out of the will be so disappointed if we didn't attend".

MarcyMercy · 03/09/2017 17:08

@user1485342611

She will not take offence. Don't worry about that. It is Christmas, they knew this before arranging the date and accept that many people will not be able to go.

I know it is probably awkward for you at work, but honestly as long as you decline politely and send a gift, it is all good.

Then you can breathe out with relief!

TSSDNCOP · 03/09/2017 17:11

My best friend got married 2 days before Christmas. It was lovely, and a great start to the Christmas break. All their friends went even though it was hours and hours drive.

If you don't want to go, don't go. I'm sure they won't mind giving your seat to someone that wants to enjoy their day with them.

CreamCheeseBrownies · 03/09/2017 17:11

Ask if YABU to decline a wedding invitation on MN, and it'll always go this way.

I used to think lots of people would decline things this close to christmas but our experience with kids' birthday parties is the opposite. Everyone accepts, every year. Of course you don't have to go, but IRL I think plenty of guests will be more in your surprised colleague's camp.

BannedFromNarnia · 03/09/2017 17:12

I would do this for someone I genuinely loved - a close friend, a family member I actually liked - but not for a colleague, no matter how great they were.

It's a stupid time of year for a big wedding. A small one, sure, take advantage of your family all being around anyway - but not for one so big that you're inviting colleagues too.

SenecaFalls · 03/09/2017 17:14

He and SIL arranged a huge (whole family) get together for the Christmas period.

We did the same thing. We had a big extended family Christmas that became part of the wedding activiti

Frogtits · 03/09/2017 17:16

I wouldn't go.

I had a family wedding between Xmas and New Year and I had to go as I was bridesmaid.

It was a wonderful occasion, but I didn't have to travel as far as you would AND the bride was my best friend.

BMOT · 03/09/2017 17:17

I love weddings and Christmas weddings are always extra special so I'd be all over it, my husband on the other hand would be thinking about the hangover he'd have on Christmas eve and wouldnt want to go.
So I would say YANBU to not want to go but you are BUR to say to a colleague that you were "trying to come up with an excuse" . If that came back to be as the bride I'd be quite hurt.

JaneEyre70 · 03/09/2017 17:20

I think Christmas weddings are lovely - a really good double celebration. You'll just need to be more organised that's all. Christmas is really just months of hype, and one actual day!

MarcyMercy · 03/09/2017 17:20

Wedding ceremonies and summons, and save the dates should be banned.

It is only B+G getting married.

It is a B+G issue really.

Weddings suck for many guests, especially if it is a humungous drive to and fro and involves an overnight stay. Expensive too for the outlay.

For what? Hanging around for hours starving, then A glass of prosecco, a meal, sitting at a table with people you don't know, and that's it.

I can do that in my local restaurant.

I am a mumsnetter wedding hater! Thank you.