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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset by behaviour of 'first date'?

108 replies

ConfessionsOfaDivorcee · 03/09/2017 14:56

NC for this as I'm a) embarrassed, b) possibly overreacting and c) being naive/prudish/old-fashioned and maybe uptight!! I'm no longer 'in my prime' (ok, over 50!) and haven't dated for a very long time, so this has been a bit of an eye-opener for me! I didn't think I was prudish...quite the opposite actually, if I'm honest, and I was looking forward to going out and starting to meet new people again. I was talked into internet dating and arranged to meet someone at the weekend. He seemed nice, we chatted on the phone and got on really well. Had a lovely lunch and as it was a gorgeous sunny day he suggested we continue the date and go for a drive to a nearby country park. Which we did...he drove. We walked by the river, linked arms, all very charming and he kissed me on the cheek. It was sweet, nothing heavy. On the way back he pulled into a lay-by and went straight in for a kiss...very 'gropey' this time and I pulled back, a little taken aback by the suddenness of this. He was very insistent and kept pulling my head...down towards his crotch!! I was just as insistent saying no, but he kept pulling my head quite hard actually, until I pushed him in the chest and told him to take me back...which he did...laughing it off saying that he could wait 'until he had me somewhere more private'. He 'knew I was a go-er'. I was appalled at this! As I said, I didn't think I was prudish but is this how people date now? Is this what's expected?? I absolutely did not give ANY 'go-er' signals at all. The conversation wasn't smutty or sexual in the least. There was a very tiny kiss on the cheek prior to the head pulling and hard gropey kiss in the car. I went straight home and deleted his number and blocked him. Please tell me this is not normal dating in the 21st century!!

OP posts:
lolaflores · 03/09/2017 16:07

Other women on the site should be given a clear signal about this sod. And a word with the police too.
I wonder how many other women have been at his mercy?
You might be doing the world at large a favour if you flagged him up.
This happened to me as a younger person in the 80s. i felt all sorts of shame and guilt afterwards as I thought it was my fault but he took me to an out of the way place etc. i wish I knew then what I know now but thats the way things worked out then.
Get him sorted.

WhatwouldOliviaPopedo · 03/09/2017 16:08

You do understand that he assaulted you and it was only because you found the strength to push him away that he stopped? What if the next date he's with doesn't have the physical strength to do the same? Please report him to the police and also to the website.

Fwend · 03/09/2017 16:09

I hope you're ok; it's a shock when you realise you've had a lucky escape.

He sexually assaulted you. I would report it to the non-emergency number - it will help the police build up a picture of someone who could well be on their radar already.

WomblingThree · 03/09/2017 16:12

The thing is, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting or having sex on a first, third or twentieth date, or indeed never.

However, it's generally polite to discuss it and find out whether you are on the same page about it. Disgusting creeps like this give "internet dating" a bad name. The thing to remember though OP is that he would still be a disgusting creep wherever you'd met him.

You should absolutely report him to anyone who will listen. You were very lucky you had the presence of mind to fight him off. I'm a little surprised by PPs hinting it's the OP's "fault" for getting in his car though. Can you not expect to spend time with a person without being sexually assaulted FFS?

ibbleobbleblackbubble · 03/09/2017 16:12

Internet dating can be a very steep learning curve!

AnnieAnoniMouse · 03/09/2017 16:14

Are you ok?

It must have given you a bit of a fright, afterwards at least, if not at the time 💐

What a wanker. He's very lucky you didn't re arrange his bollocks around his ears.

I don't know exactly what's changed in the past few years, but if meeting for lunch & going for a walk in a country park has become risky behaviour, it's a pretty sad reflection on our society. It's not surprising you didn't give it a second thought and to be honest, I'd still do what you did.

Watbox. That's extremely cautious. Every 15 minutes? Do you have a particular cause to be quite so cautious? If I met somebody who did that I'd back right off because their paranoia would worry me. Fine when you arrive & if you're going on elsewhere etc. But while having dinner in a restaurant or something I'd think it was far too odd for me. I'm nice, not the female equivalent of a creep. Honest.

Maryhadalittlelamb12 · 03/09/2017 16:15

Absolutely not normal. But I wouldn't get into a man's car unless I was very sure of him.

NC4now · 03/09/2017 16:17

Can I just make the point that this is absolutely not your fault. There may be precautions you take on future dates, but the only reason this happened is because of him. Nothing you did or didn't do.

BitOutOfPractice · 03/09/2017 16:18

Oh OP what a horrible experience. No it's normal for first dates and it is totally not acceptable.

There are loads of lovely blokes doing online dating. And a lot of knobs. Just like real life I guess,

user1490607838 · 03/09/2017 16:18

Fuck me that sounds horrible, you poor thing OP! Sad

Have some flowers Flowers

As if it isn't hard enough to try and meet people and get and into a relationship over 50, without this fucking shit!

Please stay in touch on here. You must still be in shock! Sad

Have some hugs too (((HUGS)))

Yep report him to the site, Maybe even the police, as it was an assault.

Was he the same age as you?

expatinscotland · 03/09/2017 16:24

Please, please, please, please NEVER EVER go off with a stranger like this again. He assaulted you. Just don't do this. EVER. No matter how nice they seem.

ohherewegoagain · 03/09/2017 16:32

Nope this is not normal dating. Thank God for the ability to block guys like him! Complete creep!

Original poster
ConfessionsOfaDivorcee · 03/09/2017 16:34

Thank you again to all those saying it's not my fault. I do find it a very saddening thought though that we women (all of us, collectively) feel it necessary to be so very vigilant now, in the middle of the afternoon, in broad daylight, to the extent that going for a walk in a country park is considered risky. I will probably never do that again on a date...how sad! I know that the risk here was the lift back to my car...but until this point I had felt ok. It was going really well. How are we meant to judge things? How many 'dates in' should we feel safe enough to do these things? I guess we just have to accept that we are always going to have to be vigilant!

@mybrilliantdisguise as I said, the first thing I did when I got home was delete his contact details and blocked him. So no. I don't have his number on my phone. I wasn't thinking straight at that time...I just wanted to make sure he couldn't contact me again.

OP posts:
Maryhadalittlelamb12 · 03/09/2017 16:37

It's sad. Very. I agree.

I don't ever tell them my surname or where I work or even the genre of my employment. For some considerable time.

Cautious? You bet I am.

Original poster
ConfessionsOfaDivorcee · 03/09/2017 16:41

It has put me off, I have to admit...and it took a fair bit of courage to try in the first place to be fair! It's not easy when you're 'of a certain age' 😳

OP posts:
octoberfarm · 03/09/2017 17:02

Ugh, you poor thing OP. As others have said, absolutely not normal and I'd consider that sexual assault. I know you mentioned that you'd deleted everything and blocked him, but if you have his full name, or even if not, I'd still report to 101 just to alert them that there's someone in the area behaving that way through online dating. It might help someone down the line if (God forbid) he decided to go further next time.

So sorry you had such a horrible experience, are you okay now? Flowers

Porpoises · 03/09/2017 17:11

Do you mean you blocked his phone number? Somewhere in your phone settings there is likely to be a list of blocked numbers - your phone needs to remember his number in order to block it, if you see what i mean.

I'm really sorry this happened to you.

C8H10N4O2 · 03/09/2017 17:12

OP: don't be put off meeting new people by this jerk. If you had been a bit less assertive it would have been even worse - is there a reporting mechanism on the dating site?

You did the right thing choosing a public place to meet for a drink or lunch and arriving separately. Another time I suggest you clearly timebox the date eg by having an appt you need to go to afterward. Then there is no question of you going elsewhere.

Do that until you are confident enough to take it further or to an evening date but always have independent means to travel home.

MrsJamesAspey · 03/09/2017 17:29

No its not normal at all, but this is why we should always meet first dates in public and not accept lifts either somewhere else or home.

I've always driven on a date so I know I can get home and I remember driving a date home and I thought he was giving me instructions to get to his house but I ended up in a deserted car park, classy 🙄, quickly turned round and got back in the road and told him to get the fuck out of my car. So I stopped offering lifts after that.

OlderGolder · 03/09/2017 17:54

Bloody hell that is not normal. I might out myself here but I'm 47 and have met a total of 23 men online. You were very unlucky.

Namethecat · 03/09/2017 18:03

My friend who is also dating after a long marriage and is in her 50s will now only meet in the day time and will go for a coffee in a garden centre / Costa. She also has had a few ' unusual ' never to be repeated dates.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 03/09/2017 18:11

That is seriously scary. A good lesson for us all not to get in a car with a complete stranger, this could have been so much worse. Hope you're ok.

Original poster
ConfessionsOfaDivorcee · 03/09/2017 18:23

Yes definitely learnt my lesson the hard way! If I do try again, I will always drive myself, have somewhere 'I need to be' afterwards, keep copies of messages on my PC in case I need them, stick to coffee dates until absolutely sure man isn't a creep!

For those asking, thanks, I'm ok now. I was very upset when I got home but know it could have been so much worse, and for that I'm relieved! The dating site have not responded yet but I will let you know if/when they do, although his profile has disappeared (well I can't find it after a user name search).

I'm now going to have dinner and watch a very bad rom-com with a glass of wine, to remind myself that there are happy endings occasionally 😊

OP posts:
tehmina23 · 03/09/2017 18:48

This kind of thing has happened to me; now i have rules like don't go to his house / let him come to your home / get in his car unless you are prepared for him to try to have sex... sorry but im THAT cynical now!!

Basically just meet for coffee during the day in a public place somewhere familiar.

Due to bad experiences I'm wary of quiet places e.g. Beaches, forest, walks etc.
So I'm probably not the best person to comment as I can't trust any men anywhere.

tehmina23 · 03/09/2017 18:54

OTOH I've got lots of friends / colleagues/ acquaintances of all ages who've had success online so there you go.

My bad experiences weren't online to make things worse they were with men I already knew for example through work or through friends!

You had a lucky escape but don't you feel as if it's your fault, it's totally his problem

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