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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset by behaviour of 'first date'?

108 replies

ConfessionsOfaDivorcee · 03/09/2017 14:56

NC for this as I'm a) embarrassed, b) possibly overreacting and c) being naive/prudish/old-fashioned and maybe uptight!! I'm no longer 'in my prime' (ok, over 50!) and haven't dated for a very long time, so this has been a bit of an eye-opener for me! I didn't think I was prudish...quite the opposite actually, if I'm honest, and I was looking forward to going out and starting to meet new people again. I was talked into internet dating and arranged to meet someone at the weekend. He seemed nice, we chatted on the phone and got on really well. Had a lovely lunch and as it was a gorgeous sunny day he suggested we continue the date and go for a drive to a nearby country park. Which we did...he drove. We walked by the river, linked arms, all very charming and he kissed me on the cheek. It was sweet, nothing heavy. On the way back he pulled into a lay-by and went straight in for a kiss...very 'gropey' this time and I pulled back, a little taken aback by the suddenness of this. He was very insistent and kept pulling my head...down towards his crotch!! I was just as insistent saying no, but he kept pulling my head quite hard actually, until I pushed him in the chest and told him to take me back...which he did...laughing it off saying that he could wait 'until he had me somewhere more private'. He 'knew I was a go-er'. I was appalled at this! As I said, I didn't think I was prudish but is this how people date now? Is this what's expected?? I absolutely did not give ANY 'go-er' signals at all. The conversation wasn't smutty or sexual in the least. There was a very tiny kiss on the cheek prior to the head pulling and hard gropey kiss in the car. I went straight home and deleted his number and blocked him. Please tell me this is not normal dating in the 21st century!!

OP posts:
justintrudeaussocks · 03/09/2017 15:22

What the pp said - there's no way I would get in a car, go back to their home or go for a secluded walk with a man I'd just met, no matter how nice they seemed. If they are nice and genuinely interested, they'll wait. Always meet in a public place, tell a friend where you're going, and have a get-out plan or someone ready to come and get you if needs be.

And no, his behaviour is not normal or acceptable.

BlondeB83 · 03/09/2017 15:23

No that's not normal OP! I'm so sorry that happened to you! What an arse! I would report him to the site where you met him to save other women from similar experiences!

happypoobum · 03/09/2017 15:24

I am the same age as you OP and no, this absolutely is not normal and is unacceptable. Sounds like you had a lucky escape.

Flowers
JulietNeverMetRomeo · 03/09/2017 15:24

OP you sound like you are in shock this is definitely assault and it sounds lucky that he stopped before he raped you. This isn't normal and it's not OK. How do you feel reporting him to the police? Have you got any RL support to call on? This is really awful and I'm sorry this happened to you.

onalongsabbatical · 03/09/2017 15:25

No, not normal.
But please don't get into someone's car and allow yourself to be driven to an isolated spot on a first date with someone you know nothing about. That's not safe behaviour.
Sorry, OP. Take care and better luck next time.

SayNoToCarrots · 03/09/2017 15:26

What the fuck? Glad you got out of that situation.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 03/09/2017 15:26

It's not prudish to object to sexual assault or inappropriate sexual behaviour.

He's probably the kind of man who think 'no' sometimes means 'yes'. Y'know, the rapist kind.

Lucky escape... but best to have a think about how you can minimise your risk for first dates in the future (i.e. Always have an independent escape route, never being alone together). Not that his behaviour is normal or your fault in any way at all of course.

GeillisTheWitch · 03/09/2017 15:26

I'd also consider reporting him to the police for attempted sexual assault. He sounds like a real creep and I wouldn't be surprised if he is already on their radar.

OrphanAccount · 03/09/2017 15:27

I'm sorry OP. He assaulted you. It's not normal and it's certainly not ok. Please consider reporting him to the police.

KurriKurri · 03/09/2017 15:28

Sounds like assault to me too - what a disgusting repulsive piece of work. Really sorry you had this experience. Sad.
I'm in my fifties and haven't dated for years. I do have friends of similar age who have done OLD and met some really nice men - so I don't think they are all like this, I certainly wouldn't class this as normal behaviour in any way.

I hope it doesn't put you off. Next time I would maybe take your own car so you can get yourself home if you need to get away from a weirdo.

LilaBard · 03/09/2017 15:29

Jesus no this is not normal. I've never done internet dating, but could you report this to the site admin or whatever? This was attempted assault and it sounds as though if you weren't persistent in saying no he'd have continued! Not acceptable in any way shape or form. Hope you are ok x

YouTheCat · 03/09/2017 15:30

Call 101 and report him to the police. He's assaulted you.

Original poster
ConfessionsOfaDivorcee · 03/09/2017 15:30

@Statue love the idea of Date Advisor...that did make me chuckle actually.

@Barbarianmum we were driving back after the walk when he pulled into a lay by, then pounced! I'd left my car in the pub car park where we had met for lunch. He had suggested going to the country park after we had eaten, and said he would drive there...it was about 30 minutes drive from the pub. And yes, with hindsight, I should have said I'd follow him in my own car! I feel sick at the thought of how stupid I've been and how vulnerable a position I put myself in!

OP posts:
MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 03/09/2017 15:33

Don't give yourself too hard a time. Remember that it happened because he is a bad man. If you had been in the same situation with a good man you would have been perfectly fine.

DameFanny · 03/09/2017 15:36

Agree with PPs - what you've described isn't rudeness but attempted sexual assault. Report him to the police - non emergency - he may very well be on their radar already

Heyx · 03/09/2017 15:36

It is less risky to just meet someone for a coffee for an hour and make your own way there and back.

I would not have got in his car tbh nor even gone for lunch for that matter but then I have met plenty of guys I haven't liked on sight and just had a half hour chat out of politeness.

What you describe is not normal. However I did have a lot of pressure put on me to have a first meeting with a guy at my house. It started off with nice texts and chats and we were going to meet for a drink but he kept changing the goalposts until he wanted to turn up at my home in a taxi while my child was in bed upstairs.

ohtheholidays · 03/09/2017 15:39

YANBU and he was 100% in the wrong!

He was trying to assault you and I hope Karma sees it so he's single for the rest of his life!

The way he behaved was not normal for dating in 2017 or any other year,I'm glad you managed to get him of you and please don't let him put you off,I met my DH through online dating and we've been together 12years now,I was on my own with 4DC and at college and working,he's 7 years younger than me,no children and had a really good job on paper people would say we shouldn't have worked but we do and really well.

I met a few strange men on there,but I also met a few nice guys who became friends,my DH had gone on there because a few of his workmates(all Police)had gone on there and they're all still in they're relationships,they all went onto marry the ladies they met on there and a couple went onto have DC(we did)as well and his friends were between 35 and 50 when they went on there so there are still some normal men around.

bunningsbunny · 03/09/2017 15:42

Sounds horrendous.

It has obviously (rightly!) shocked and scared you and I can understand why you deleted and blocked his number however sometimes it is worth leaving it there for a short while - he might be stupid enough to send you incriminating messages (be they apologies for misunderstanding that no really does mean no or being hopeful that you'll agree to go further on a second 'date' or whatever). Then it makes it easier to go to the police as you have hard evidence...

Also - does he have your address or other details like work address, snapchat or whatsapp details, that he could use to contact or track you?

Watbox · 03/09/2017 15:46

When going on these type of dates i tell them i must text my friend every 15 minutues with a secret word. Each word is different and if I don't text she will call the police. If they're genuinely nice they won't mind. If they're a creep they'll show they mind so you can make you're excuses and run

Original poster
ConfessionsOfaDivorcee · 03/09/2017 15:48

Thank you all...I was kind of thinking it was me being 'stuck in the 80s' or something! My head was telling me it wasn't right but it's nice to hear others telling me too. I've reported his username to the dating site but I don't know if anything will come of that. I'd stupidly deleted and blocked everything so I don't have any messages or phone number to give to 101. I will obviously be much more cautious in future (so embarrassed now!!). It's heartening to read that there are some lovely guys out there, so thank you for your stories 💕

OP posts:
Original poster
ConfessionsOfaDivorcee · 03/09/2017 15:51

Oh, and no, he doesn't have any other personal details like my address or work information, fortunately! Let's just hope he's not on MN!

OP posts:
FreakinScaryCaaw · 03/09/2017 15:58

Let's hope he is on mn and reads he's assaulted you!

Atenco · 03/09/2017 15:59

Whao, sounds like a near rape situation I ended up in as a teenager. It was a quiet country road but fortunately someone came by and the would-be rapist gave up.

ArcheryAnnie · 03/09/2017 16:01

He's a rapist-in-waiting, if not an actual rapist. He assaulted you, and had no interest in enthusiastic consent.

I'd absolutely report him to the site, and possibly to the police as well, if you can bear to. (I doubt they will do anything but it's as well to have him on record somewhere, as he will certainly try this on with other women, too.)

I hope you are OK, OP. He's a vile specimen, and I hope you find someone worthy of you soon.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 03/09/2017 16:05

But if you've blocked him, surely his number's still on your phone? I think that is sexual assault and you should tell the police. The dating site will have his details, too.

Were you on Plenty of Fish? I know some women here have had good experiences with that site but everyone I know who's used it has had terrible experiences.