Partner and 'day naps'

[GatheredAsMuch]

My partner's job requires a lot of walking and I understand that that can be tiring. But it's really starting to annoy me that he comes home and just sleeps everyday.

He finishes around 2 o'clock and will normally sleep for about 2 hours after getting home.

We have 2 toddlers and their not easy work and sometimes I feel resentful that he's asleep while I'm rushing around after kids.

I go to sleep early as the kids are early risers. But he will stay up past midnight playing on his phone. And a part of me feels that if he just went to sleep a little bit earlier then he wouldn't need the extra sleep in the day.

He says I'm unfair because I'm just in with the kids all day and not walking around for hours. I don't know if IABU or not but am prepared to be told I am.

Sorry for the speech - my point is YANBU he is - he is a bit lazy if you ask me! No way can the walking be any different to DH job or even my dads hard joinery job and he is nearly 57!

Its a habit. He has trained his body clock to expect that nap. I am a teacher and when l began working l was wrecked each day and began to have a nap. Before long l would literally feel l couldnt survive with out. Then l called a halt. Very difficult to break the habit as your body is crying out for it. Now l wouldnt dream of napping and lm 30 years older.
He needs to be in charge of dc for a few days so he can send message to body..no more naps. I wouldnt mind 10 mins in an armchair but 2 hours..for goodness sake!

Plus as a school kid we couldn't afford the bus fare to school - 2 buses - but lived just inside the (as the crow flies) distance for a free bus pass which wasn't available for all school children back then.

So from the age of 11, I'd walk for an hour each way to and from school. That's not far off what he's doing and obviously I never had a nap.

He's not on with the 'just' comment - looking after two toddlers is exhausting. But I think you're being a bit unreasonable about the nap, as he obviously needs it. (And as PP have said, speed walking with an enormous heavy bag on tarmacked roads in all weathers isn't quite the same thing as going for a walk.)

If I were you, I'd decide that his working day finishes at 4 (which is still earlier than most partners get home), and that you're going to split the rest of the evening between you. So when he wakes up, he gets the kids for a couple of hours, and then he has some time off.

And I'd absolutely insist he does half the morning shifts too. We had something very similar in my house, where my DH would stay up late playing computer games and then be too tired to do the morning shift. I put up with it while I was breastfeeding because I had to be woken up anyway to feed DS, and then I put my foot down and said he had to do half the mornings, and if he was too tired, it was his own silly fault.

Hasn't stopped him staying up late, but he does do his share of the mornings, and he just has naps while I'm on duty, which I think is fair enough.

Its a habit. He has trained his body clock to expect that nap. I am a teacher and when l began working l was wrecked each day and began to have a nap. Before long l would literally feel l couldnt survive with out. Then l called a halt. Very difficult to break the habit as your body is crying out for it.

Yes, when I lived in France it was the norm to have a n afternoon nap. When we moved back to the UK, I really struggled to begin with. In fact, years later, I still feel a bit drowsy mid afternoon. Whether I'm working or not.

He needs to find a way of breaking the habit.

Does he have to have 2 hours through? That seems an awful lot!
Meanwhile he is not around...

May be a tiring job, he may do a lot of walking, but he's going to bed after 12 every night... taking a 2 hour nap every day is taking the piss. If he went to bed 10:30/11 could he maybe not have a shorter nap or no nap?

Can't say it would bother me tbh. So long as he did his share when he wakes up or gave me a break too I wouldn't see the point of resenting his nap.

Does he look after his children at all? Or take any responsibility for the household in general?

I would want to be sure if his need for sleep in the PM is due to his lack of sleep at night.

In particular, of you have a lphysical job where you need to walk a lot, your priority should be to have a good night hygiene and get enough hours of sleep.

What shouldn't happen if to use the need for sleep as a way to avoid your responsibilities.

In some ways, what the DH is doing job wise is of no relevance. The bottom line is that he needs to get the number of hand ups of sleep he needs compare to his job (fwiw a very stressful job or a very 'brainy' job can both require a lot of sleep too to be able to recover - it's not just physical jobs that need you to look after yourself and sleep enough)

H2 hours isn't a nap, it's a third of what I sleep! My 'old lady' naps (I'm in my 40s) are 15 minutes. He should try to break the habit, go to bed earlier then he probably wouldn't need a 2 hour sleep.

I reckon both of you should get pedometers/fit it's and see who does the most steps. I hardly think you're sat on your arse all day with two toddlers, ffs!

OP What has been his reaction when you have suggested that he changes his sleep pattern?

Has he always done this or is it a recent development?

What happens on days he's not working? Does do more with the children and not need a nap?

*does he do more

The nap itself is not the issue. If he worked full time, you would have to manage on your own all day. The problem is, as usual on these threads, you are the default parent.

The fact that he comes home and assumes it's his nap time without asking what you are up to is the problem. You can't tell him what time to go to bed, as he's a grown man, but you can tell him that "time off" is to be shared. He needs to stop being selfish.

My DH used to do 6-2 shifts 6 over 7, so full time hours. When he got in, he took the baby so I could have a sleep/bath/walk. I never asked, he did it because he's an equal parent. If he needed a sleep, he had it later on. The argument about who's job is hardest is counterproductive. It just breeds resentment.

And YY if this is a recent development, then he needs to go and see his GP.

I'd love to come home and chill in silence for an hour or so like I used to, but I have a toddler so I get in and start parenting. Surely that's what most people do?

He is majorly taking the piss, op. 1/2 hour relaxation when he gets in would be more than most of us get. I get home at 5.30 or 6 & run around like a headless chicken to get dinner on the table by 6.30 so the dcs aren't too late for bed.

Yes youre unreasonable. Some people NEED more sleep than others. Some people need 7 or 8 hours, im good with 4. Its genetic, not laziness.

So his working day is five and a half hours and he has to have a two hour sleep when he gets home? . He's taking the piss.

That isn't a lot of walking! I work 13 hour shifts and some days I don't spend any more than an hour of that sat down, and I manage not to need any naps! He's taking the piss.

My DH comes home from work (self employed but mainly desk job) and falls asleep for half an hour in his chair. Then regularly does so throughout the evening, and it's majorly affecting his sleep pattern at night meaning he disturbs me constantly. GP thinks it's a sleep disorder, told DH to cut out caffeine and sugar (he won't) and to take diazepam at night to get into a better sleep pattern (he won't). So we're in this horrendous vicious cycle. You have my sympathy, it's majorly affecting my view of my DH and it's really not attractive in the slightest. I feel like I live in a nursing home.

He should be able to manage without a nap for that amount of work. I used to work in a shop, starting off with 4 hr shifts, and I was tired and my feet felt awful at the end as I wasn't used to it. Over a couple of years I would regularly work 9 hr shifts on my feet but was fine as I was used to it. If he's been doing the job for a while then he should be used to the demands. It seems as previous posters imply, that he assumes that he can nap. DH does this too and it is a pain in the arse, but I have some sympathy with him as his shifts are always changing and can verge from v early starts to late ones over the course of a couple of weeks. If your DH has the same working hours every day then he should just go to bed earlier.

He's a bloody postman isn't he! Mine does very similar hours & is the same, would come home & sleep if he could, but no no, we have shit to do my dear