SAHM expectations

[sleepisthebest]

I'm a SAHM to a 17 month old. OH works very hard to support us. He leaves the house by 7am most mornings and isn't home until 7pm Monday to Friday. Every fortnight he gets a day off in the week as well as weekends. He plays football on Saturdays, trains on Tuesday evening and on Thursdays too.

We've had a bit of a disagreement tonight because I asked him to cook dinner which involved him boiling a saucepan of pasta and stirring in a sauce. He is pissed off I've asked him to do it when he's been at work all day, I'm knackered after a week of crap sleep and think it wouldn't kill him to cook a meal or actually offer to cook one every so often.

Following our disagreement I've told him I feel a little bit taken for granted because I do almost all of the housework and cooking. I truly don't mind doing 90% of it - I am at home with the baby and I fit it in as best as I can around her. He works hard to support us financially, so I do think it's fine for me to work hard supporting us all at home. He does do our admin and put the bins out.

He thinks I'm being ridiculous, that as I'm at home it's my job to do it.

Thoughts?

Sorry, he was home. He finishes early on a Friday so he was home by 5 today. ''Tis was after we'd put DD to bed.

Because he's been at work all day.

Boo hoo, my DH leaves home at 4.45, commutes for 45 mins goes to gym then to work, home at 6pm then he always baths and puts DD3 to bed and sometimes sticks the dinner on if I go for a quick run.

He needs to get involved and stop treating you like an unpaid space. Looking after a small child is a full time job without all the bloody cooking, cleaning laundry etc

At weekends do you both cook? I ask this because his attitude to your free time will be very telling in this. Generally yes, you should be able to rely on support when you're having a harder time of it.

Seems like he does still have some "me time" with his football but do you have any time to yourself ? I don't think he's gonna get a Popeye arm from stiring some sauce. He's BU.

Well if he puts the bins out...

Of course you shouldn't have to do all the cooking. Putting on a bit of pasta every now and again isn't asking a lot

Unpaid slave.

Feck off on Saturday morning and return Sunday night see how much he gets done.

Do you get any down time?

His misconception is that being at home = doing nothing. Presumably because that's what he does?

It's quite personal how families divide labour so you'll get lots of different opinions.

My feelings are that an employee gets weekends, annual leave, lunch breaks and sick leave (well, ones with decent employers)

So, I think it's kind of fair that SAH parent gets a bit of a break now and then too. One simple dinner a week isn't a big ask!

I also have not much time for people that can't see their partner needs help but won't help. It doesn't seem very loving.

How much time away from the house on your own do you get?

Work isn't an excuse for everything.
I work FT and I'm out of the house 6-6. H works FT and is out of the house 7-7. No more than your H and we take turns to cook each night.
When I was on ML (and H took over at 22 weeks when I went back to work) we still always took turns cooking while the other got kids to bed and then had a bit of me time.
HIBU.

You'll get very mixed responses I expect. I do think you need to be careful that your DH doesn't carry on living like a single man, i.e. no compromises about clubs/commitments etc because long term you might find yourselves leading separate lives. I don't think it's unreasonable for the working half of a partnership to do their share, after all if he lived alone he'd have to cook his own dinner etc after working all day/week.
I've been the one at home for years but I still expect DH to pull his weight when he's here (he works abroad a lot). This isn't a hotel and I'm not his mum! He would happily sit back and let me do literally everything if I let him, but I don't. What did annoy me was during the time he was out of work and I had to go back, I still ended up doing nearly everything.
I'd say try to talk at a time when you're both not too tired/stressed and discuss what he can do to support you at home, after all it's his home too and you need to be a team.

He has no problem looking after DD if I want to go out at all. She's in bed before he gets home from work in the week but at the weekends it's the same. He's a great Dad, couldn't be more hands on if he tried. He loves spending time with her all weekend, takes her to the park etc.

I don't go out much, mostly because by the time it's evening I'm exhausted. But I am going to start going back to the gym soon, his mum is going to come and watch DD a couple of hours in the week for me. I could go when he gets home at night, no issue but am too tired to work out at that hour!

He has Tuesdays and Thursday nights off to train, gets home early on Friday and has a whole day off every other week. You should get Mondays and Wednesday off to do your thing.

Does he help on his fortnightly day off?

Between the hours of 7-7, he works outside of the home. Between the hours of 7-7, you work inside the home. When you're both in the home, you split jobs equally - be that pasta cooking, child bathing or washing hanging out.

If it doesn't work like this, one parent does the lions share and works over and above the hours they need to. Resentment builds and relationships end.

Has he ever spent a day alone looking after your DC? Maybe you need to go away for a night leaving him for the weekend so he can see how hard you actually do 'work' in the day. It's not your fault your job is unpaid.

Ah yes. We had this op! Until one day I told him I'd had enough. Toom off for a night I with friends 😁. Left him with the DC, a list of jobs and told him what was to be cooked for tea.

He doesn't now say anything 😂

The basic rule is that you should both get the same amount of free time. Free time includes lie ins, lunch breaks at work, nap times as well as hobby time and nights out. It does not include looking after a 16 month old unless she is asleep.

I am a SAHM at the moment. We have 16yo DD and 3yo DS1 and 19mo DS2.

I plan and make dinners Monday to Thursday. Friday we get a takeaway which DH organises (not including the toddlers, they get normal food cooked by me) and then on Saturday DH is responsible for dinner. Sunday is usually me but not set in stone.

If I had had a hard day (or even if I hadn't) and asked DH to make a pot of pasta he'd happily do it. I would be a bit if he complained.

We do share lie ins, we both have one each at the weekend.

In our house, primary childcare is my responsibility. By this I mean looking after our young dc and associated things eg doing their batch food cooking, sorting out Dr appointments etc. I do everything for the dc that happens within 'office working hours' eg 8am til 7pm when dh gets in. The rest of the time, child related things is split relatively evenly, ie we both get some time to do our own thing at agreed times. Its not just me that looks after them at the weekend for example. Household tasks that I can do alongside childcare I do, eg supermarket shopping. Everything else is split evenly between dh and I. It is not the assumption that I do everything.
I'm a stay at home parent, not a stay at home parent/domestic servant/housekeeper. If you both had full time paid employment you would split the household tasks wouldn't you?
If I was being concise I'd say childcare of young dc is your role and is the equivalent of full time employment in terms of time/effort. Everything else should be split between you both.