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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

SAHM expectations

81 replies

sleepisthebest · 01/09/2017 20:50

I'm a SAHM to a 17 month old. OH works very hard to support us. He leaves the house by 7am most mornings and isn't home until 7pm Monday to Friday. Every fortnight he gets a day off in the week as well as weekends. He plays football on Saturdays, trains on Tuesday evening and on Thursdays too.

We've had a bit of a disagreement tonight because I asked him to cook dinner which involved him boiling a saucepan of pasta and stirring in a sauce. He is pissed off I've asked him to do it when he's been at work all day, I'm knackered after a week of crap sleep and think it wouldn't kill him to cook a meal or actually offer to cook one every so often.

Following our disagreement I've told him I feel a little bit taken for granted because I do almost all of the housework and cooking. I truly don't mind doing 90% of it - I am at home with the baby and I fit it in as best as I can around her. He works hard to support us financially, so I do think it's fine for me to work hard supporting us all at home. He does do our admin and put the bins out.

He thinks I'm being ridiculous, that as I'm at home it's my job to do it.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
sleepisthebest · 01/09/2017 21:08

No, he's never looked after DD on his own for more than probably about 6 hours when I've had a night out. We've been away together overnight and left her with my mum, but I've never needed to be away all day and night.

OP posts:
TeachesOfPeaches · 01/09/2017 21:09

Makes me laugh when grown men refer to their football playing, MAMIL cycling etc as 'training'. Training for what?

MaisyPops · 01/09/2017 21:09

I do think you need to be careful that your DH doesn't carry on living like a single man, i.e. no compromises about clubs/commitments etc because long term you might find yourselves leading separate lives.
This
I tend to think that the lion's share of house stuff gets done by the SAHP.

But, the working parent should pull their weight and the SAHP should get some rest time too. Any arrangement where the working parent gets to carry on living their pre-parent life at the expense of the other isn't fair.

You asking him to make tea isn't unreasonable at all. You are a SAHP not a personal slave and housekeeper (and I say that as someone who is quick to tell SAHP who moan about having to do housework 'because my full time job is children' to get a grip).

43percentburnt · 01/09/2017 21:10

What would he do if he was single? Ahh he'd wash his own pants and cook his own food.

You are at home to take care of baby.

I work ft and dh is a sahd. My hours are long and I definitely don't get an extra day off a fortnight or early finishes on a Friday.

He is telling you he is more important than you as he is earning money.

I suggest you go away for a long weekend with a friend. See how much cooking and pant cleaning he does. See if he moans about how hard it was.

TeachesOfPeaches · 01/09/2017 21:11

Are you planning to go back work OP? You're an unmarried mother with no income - do you have savings should anything happen? (I'm a single mum so not trying to be rude)

Ecureuil · 01/09/2017 21:11

I'm a SAHM. DH works long hours and also works away 1-2 nights a week. The nights he's here, generally cooks. He also does 50% of all childcare when he's here.

minipie · 01/09/2017 21:14

Yes I think you need to leave him in charge of your toddler for a day (and leave some "to do" items like laundry as well...) then he might understand that you are "at work all day" too.

jaseyraex · 01/09/2017 21:19

What if you had a full time "proper" job? He'd have to pull his weight then. Being a SAHP is no different and so he should still be pulling his weight, especially when it seems like you don't ask much of him.

I also stay at home and whilst I do cook every night (I love cooking and DH can't cook for shit anyway) and do majority of cleaning etc etc, he always asks what he can help with when he gets home from work. He gets the boys up every morning and gets them ready before he leaves for work, puts them to bed every night too. If dishes are lying or dry washing still hanging out, he'll know I've not found time and so he'll do it without me having to pester him to do it. It's just common sense and a bit or respect and helpfulness.

Theresnonamesleft · 01/09/2017 21:22

Aw such a hard worker he is. And having all those extra hours and days off in addition to the standard weekend. Of course he should be left to relax whilst you continue to run around after him.

Meanwhile, back on earth. Tell him to grow the fuck up. You aren't his bloody mum or his slave. He either pitches in properly or fucks off. And unless he runs back to mummy he will have all his own shit todo.
What does he think single parents do who also work? Absolve themselves of all responsibilities to the house and don't cook, clean etc. Of course not, they take care of their responsibilities and act as adults.

missanony · 01/09/2017 21:22

With a 17 month old that presumably naps for 2-3 hours a day? I'd be expecting the lions share to be done by the sahm but there is literally no excuse for being unable to do pasta and even less excuse to be annoyed.

Palegreenstars · 01/09/2017 21:23

Why would you expect a 17 month old to nap 2-3 hours a day miss?

Papafran · 01/09/2017 21:23

Are you married, OP? If you aren't, you will be screwed if you split up (and more unmarried couples split than stay together). If I were you, I would look at getting back to work and asking your DP to muck in to help with childcare and housework. You are literally destroying your future financial security by being an unmarried SAHM.

Mycarsmellsoflavender · 01/09/2017 21:25

I read the end of the OP's first paragraph as "he plays football on Tuesdays and trains on Saturdays" and tad an image of a grown man pushing a Thomas and friends set around a wooden track.Grin

Spudlet · 01/09/2017 21:26

[Warms up voice]
[Takes deep breath]

Bullshit. Bullshit. Bull. Shit. Buuuuull. Shiiiiiiit. 🎶

I am a SAHM and dh works very hard, yes he does. He is currently the breadwinner of the family, and jolly good. Do I do most of the cooking in the week? Yes. But he would never begrudge me cooking and does so as part of our routine - some meals on the meal plan I cook, and some he does. And he wouldn't be an arsehole if I was knackered and asked him to cook - he'd probably offer. Because he works from home so sees what I do all day and how demanding it can be. So he respects that, and we work as a team.

But, op, your dh puts the bins out! The bins! Here is his bin putting out medal 🥇 🥇 🥇. What a fucking hero. Fitting such an arduous task around his 'training'. Marvellous.

Spudlet · 01/09/2017 21:29

To be clear - that bullshit is my response to the op's dh, not to the op. I don't doubt her story!

Argeles · 01/09/2017 21:32

That sounds very similar to my situation OP.

I am a SAHM and also a part time Degree student and pregnant too. I do not have a support network either. I'm still expected to have a home cooked meal on the table every night, as well as a thoroughly clean and tidy house and it's becoming frequently more and more unachievable.

Every night he asks what my DD and I have been doing all day, and no matter what my reply is, he will always say something like 'that's not enough books,' or 'why didn't you take her to the park?' He then asks how I'm getting on with my Uni work and looks annoyed when I say I haven't managed to do any yet today. I tell him that I'll have to try and stay up for a few hours when he goes to bed, and then he moans that he doesn't like to go to bed alone and he misses me.

When he arrives home, he looks in the sitting room to see how tidy it is and then goes and gets changed and goes to eat his dinner. If he thinks the toys are too untidy in the sitting room, he won't sit in there. He will make just himself a drink (which he does regardless), and go and sit in bed until he deems it to be his bedtime. He'll then turn out the bedroom light and just go to sleep without wishing us goodnight, or interacting with us all night.

My DH arrived home the other night and he asked what was for dinner. I told him I was going to re-heat the ample leftovers from last night's dinner, to be met with complaints that it's boring and he doesn't want to eat that again and told me he would be ordering a takeaway. I told him that he needs to let me and my DD order something as well, as I don't see why he should be getting special treatment.

Last Saturday he asked me what I was cooking for dinner, and when I told him 'spaghetti bolognaise,' he whinged that it isn't exciting and is a weekday type dinner and he didn't want it. I told him to choose and cook what to eat, as I'm literally too sick and tired to be messed around. He didn't do a thing to prepare anything for dinner, and later complained that the kitchen is a mess and he refuses to cook in there. He told me he would be ordering a takeaway again, so twice this week we've had them, when we really need to be being careful with our money.

He always takes the bins out, and usually cooks one dinner per week (usually Sunday). He doesn't clear up or wash up anything he's used though. He also hoovers about twice per month.

It's been irritating me for a very long time, and I do say things and lose my temper occasionally, but seeing it written down has seriously fucked me off.

Think I'll go and have words with him now...he's in the sitting room, so it's obviously passed the inspection tonight.

sleepisthebest · 01/09/2017 21:32

Our DD does nap 2-3 hours a day at the moment. Morning nap I do housework and have a shower, afternoon nap I have lunch, tidy up, prepare dinner and then sometimes depending on how much there is to do I will chill out for half hour.

No financial worries. Yes I'm I'm unmarried. It doesn't concern me. I'm fine financially and could go back to work if I needed to though I have no plan to do so until DD is school age.

OP posts:
Theresnonamesleft · 01/09/2017 21:33

Haha missed the bit about the bins. He want a pat on the back? For context my 11 year old takes the rubbish out.

Underthemoonlight · 01/09/2017 21:33

I'm a sahm to three dc 1year old 4year old and 9 year old. My DH is up at out at half 5 and come about 5. I see it admin part of my responsibility to do the cooking and cleaning as he is at work grafting. I would never expect him to do a days graft then come to cook. He does see to the kids however and put them to bed.

Argeles · 01/09/2017 21:34

And he pisses off to the gym every morning 6 days per week!

1234hello · 01/09/2017 21:35

Slight de-rail but Teaches - training is for matches and races I would think - you need to train to be any good your chosen sport, not sure why you find it funny.

Pengggwn · 01/09/2017 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gillybeanz · 01/09/2017 21:36

What is he training for and why does he still have hobbies when you have a child?
No time for hobbies if he's parenting and supporting his wife enough.

user1499333856 · 01/09/2017 21:38

@TeachesOfPeaches

Best comment. Training is so grandiose 😂

minipie · 01/09/2017 21:38

Yes so naptime is mostly spent doing jobs, the amount of time you have "off" is probably the same as his lunch break. So you are both working the same amount in the day - meaning chores and childcare in the evening and weekend should be split 50/50.

And the nap will reduce..

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