SAHM expectations

[sleepisthebest]

I'm a SAHM to a 17 month old. OH works very hard to support us. He leaves the house by 7am most mornings and isn't home until 7pm Monday to Friday. Every fortnight he gets a day off in the week as well as weekends. He plays football on Saturdays, trains on Tuesday evening and on Thursdays too.

We've had a bit of a disagreement tonight because I asked him to cook dinner which involved him boiling a saucepan of pasta and stirring in a sauce. He is pissed off I've asked him to do it when he's been at work all day, I'm knackered after a week of crap sleep and think it wouldn't kill him to cook a meal or actually offer to cook one every so often.

Following our disagreement I've told him I feel a little bit taken for granted because I do almost all of the housework and cooking. I truly don't mind doing 90% of it - I am at home with the baby and I fit it in as best as I can around her. He works hard to support us financially, so I do think it's fine for me to work hard supporting us all at home. He does do our admin and put the bins out.

He thinks I'm being ridiculous, that as I'm at home it's my job to do it.

Thoughts?

I have to say though, i do struggle with the switch from work mode to mum mode. I need to start listening to the tellytubbies soundtrack on the commute home or something to make that transition easier...

OP us single mums can work and pay the bills and look after our DCs because we don't have a pouting manchild at home. I get that he has a long day but unless he's erecting scaffolding or tarmacking roads then I reckon you have the harder job and what's more he probably knows it.

We're having this exact argument now:

I'm staying at home to look after 6 month old while on maternity leave after a traumatic birth
DH has v well paid job, which he claims is mentally draining, though he leaves at 8am and is back by 6pm every day. He pays for everything, including topping up my salary with spending money and adding to my savings. My salary alone wouldn't pay for much beyond the childcare, but I love it and want to go back in 6 months. He claims to not like his job anymore, but can't find something else he'd enjoy that pays well enough.
He cooks most nights and does about 50% of the grocery shopping
I do the dishes/load the dishwasher, and do the occasionally bit of cleaning, though we have a weekly cleaner
He looks after DS when I want to go out
DS sleeps through the night 99% of the time, but I do the night feeds even on the weekends
I do the gardening, but he complains whenever I ask him to do any

We both think we do more than the other. Don't think we'll ever resolve this!

sahknowme What your husband does sounds like quite a fair split to be honest. What do you think he should be doing extra?
Or are you worried about the balance when you return to work?

Op ask yourself when are you "off the clock"? He gets home at 7 and he's finished work but it seems you're on duty 24/7. Like so many women you've sleep walked into a situation where by default pretty much all matters child and home related land on your to do list.

This thing of "oh but he works hard for us" only ever seems to apply to the person contributing financially yet you're also working hard for your family. But apparently only his hard work deserves down time every evening, freedom to have hobbies, time to himself.

The longer this goes on the more it becomes the established pattern for your family and the harder it is to change it. I know so many women who didn't mind, well they bloody well mind now that they're back in paid employment but still have the lions share of responsibility for housework, planning, shopping, cooking, arranging childcare (including having to sort issues that effect this such as dc being ill) and a hundred and one other things that became their default responsibilities. They struggle to change it because it's now been the norm for 5 plus years.

Do yourself a big favour and address this now because if you think it will work itself out once dc is in school and you return to work, there's a very good chance you're deluding yourself.

honeylulu he expects me to do more cleaning, and I would like him to do more with DS when he gets home from work. He often just slumps in front of the TV when he gets home from work, which is annoying if DS has been difficult during the day