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Original poster

SAHM expectations

81 replies

sleepisthebest · 01/09/2017 20:50

I'm a SAHM to a 17 month old. OH works very hard to support us. He leaves the house by 7am most mornings and isn't home until 7pm Monday to Friday. Every fortnight he gets a day off in the week as well as weekends. He plays football on Saturdays, trains on Tuesday evening and on Thursdays too.

We've had a bit of a disagreement tonight because I asked him to cook dinner which involved him boiling a saucepan of pasta and stirring in a sauce. He is pissed off I've asked him to do it when he's been at work all day, I'm knackered after a week of crap sleep and think it wouldn't kill him to cook a meal or actually offer to cook one every so often.

Following our disagreement I've told him I feel a little bit taken for granted because I do almost all of the housework and cooking. I truly don't mind doing 90% of it - I am at home with the baby and I fit it in as best as I can around her. He works hard to support us financially, so I do think it's fine for me to work hard supporting us all at home. He does do our admin and put the bins out.

He thinks I'm being ridiculous, that as I'm at home it's my job to do it.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
sleepisthebest · 01/09/2017 21:40

Argeles I don't think it sounds similar at all (I'm truly not trying to be mean). I'd like OH to help me out a bit more, offer to cook dinner once a week or so and not take it for granted that everything in the home is 'my job'.

The say your being treated sounds terrible! That's not nice at all. That must make you so upset. I am a bit cross with OH but if he dared come in and check if the living room was 'tidy enough' for him to sit in, I'd go wild! And sulking in your room and ignoring you and your children? No way.

Do please speak to him and put a stop to this! Flowers

OP posts:
honeylulu · 01/09/2017 21:40

Wow I wish I could marry Underthemoonlight
I "graft" those hours and come home and cook!

Original poster
sleepisthebest · 01/09/2017 21:44

Minipie the naps are already reducing, I'm sure she's transitioning to one at the moment. 😩

OP posts:
SalamiSandwich · 01/09/2017 21:45

Argeles your DH sounds like a dick.

Pollaidh · 01/09/2017 21:46

@Argeles your DH is not a 'D'H. I cannot believe he 'inspects' the cleanliness of the rooms and micromanages your childcare! He's treating you like he's the manager and you're his housekeeper.

This sounds like a controlling relationship. I hope writing it all down has made you realise that it is NOT normal behaviour.

And OP - yes your DH is being unreasonable, but it might be an innocent unreasonableness through lack of awareness of what your role entails. I'd take off for a few days as PP have suggested. It also sound uncaring. In our family if we see someone tired and struggling we'd offer, not wait to be asked and certainly not refuse.

Theresnonamesleft · 01/09/2017 21:46

Argeles why are you still with this person? Have you thought about trying to support to get out of an abusive relationship?

MrsHathaway · 01/09/2017 21:47

couldn't be more hands on if he tried.

That's at odds with "only puts the bins out".

I agree it's interesting to know what he does the five days a fortnight he isn't working. Not 50%, I'd bet.

Underthemoonlight · 01/09/2017 21:47

honeylulu right I'm going to divorce dh and marry you 😃

Underthemoonlight · 01/09/2017 21:49

Pengggwn is graft is just a term for work in our region.

mamamalt · 01/09/2017 21:49

Oh lord. I hear you. Tonight I really needed to read these responses and feel justified in my feeling of righteous pissed off-ness.
Came down stairs from bathing and putting DS to bed (after spending entire day sorting his birthday party for next day and cleaning house til sparking etc.) and the dinner I had cooked and served DP when he got home was freezing. I was starving. It would literally have killed him to think about putting the oven on to warm it for me Hmm
Bloody men. Op maybe it's time we put our feet down and stopped feeling guilty for a cuppa and a quick sit down!
Praise all you amazing ladies who have lifted her up and given her support. I sometimes dread reading replies to sahms.

Original poster
sleepisthebest · 01/09/2017 21:50

MrsHathaway Not at odds I was talking about as a father not housework/cooking/cleaning.

He is hands on with DD. However he only sees her for ten minutes in the mornings on weekdays so during the week it's not a lot. At weekends (apart from a few hours on a Saturday where he plays football) he's with her same as me.

OP posts:
Papafran · 01/09/2017 21:51

Argeles so yes, he is a massive cunt. And you want to have children with this arsehole? My advice is to try to get some legal advice on finances to see where you stand when you hopefully decide to tell this useless idiot to go fuck himself. I hope you don't in any way think his behaviour is normal.

ProseccoMamam · 01/09/2017 21:53

I'll be honest I'm a SAHM and I do the cooking, cleaning washing, childcare etc. And I really don't mind this at all. I don't rely on DH much as he works very hard to keep his family fed and safe in a house. However, I have my off days too, and if I ask DH to change/bathe/dress the kids he will do it. I don't ask him to clean or do washing because he doesn't do it to my 'standards'. I can give him a couple days notice (so he doesn't already make plans, not because he dictates my social life) and go out with friends or visit family child free and he is fine with this. He also has his own 'chores' which are non optional, emptying/taking the bins out and mowing the lawn.

Yes your DH is at work during the day, but so are you, so I think it's very disrespectful of him not to help you out with little things around the house. After all, you BOTH live there.

1DAD2KIDS · 01/09/2017 21:58

Look at things in terms of free time not work time. Tot up all the hours of free time and divide by two. Being a SHAM is a full time job and you need time off too. As he don't work weekend you could have say Sunday as a day off form any house/child work and he could have the Saturday off. Don't count any free together (if you get any) i.e. child at grandparents, this is time for you both to enjoy together. Your a family unit and labour should be divided. Also that raising kids that age is tough on both of you and will cause lots of stress between you. Young kids are hard work with parents around let alone just one. The pressure will reduce as your child gets older. Kids do put a lot of strain on relationships, just hang in there it will get better. You have a great attitude to being a SHAM. Your other half works very hard but I don't think your unreasonable to ask for a bit of assistance now and then after work. After all some of the joy of being a couple is to do things together or for the other.

thatdearoctopus · 01/09/2017 22:01

Pisses me off no-end when people quote that their partners "work hard all week." WTF do we women do, then? Millions of women "work hard" outside the home, and then come home and do everything there too, without expecting a bloody medal for it.

MrsHathaway · 01/09/2017 22:02

So he makes her food at the weekends then?

It's great he checks in to family life at the weekend. Just the fun bits, or the washing up / hoovering / ironing bits as well?

EternalOptimistToo · 01/09/2017 22:03

Nope. I'm sorry but he is not that hands on with his dd if he has t got how tiring it is to look age here all day AND do the HW, cooking etc AND get little sleep at night (because I'm sure he doesn't get up at night either)..

He still has no fucking idea of hard it is if he thinks that going to work is harder and therefore he can be grumpy about boiling some pasta.
He also has reverted to a cave man from the 1950s. We are living in 2017! He needs to come back from the past.

Lastly, he will not be a good father if he isn't able to support the mother of his child. If he doesn't accept that said mother can be tired and needs 'help' and that yes he will be expected to pull his weight up not do LESS because you are at home with a baby.
Respect for your partner also include respect how they feel, is how tired they are, they need a break, need emotional support, whatever other help. And then includes doing something to show that respect and support your partner.

Fwiw, Ive had numerous conversation with H along those lines.
I reminded him that he works and that my work is looking after our dcs.
His work stops at 7.00pm when he is back at home. He has some days off.
So do I.
That means that evenings, nights and weekends are time to share the load.
We've also had discussions about the cost of childcare, how much a childminder+cleaner is costing (aka a nice way to evaluate the financial 'worth' of a SAHM).... wo gong in the fact that you are enabling him to work long hours, carry on with his job, get a promotion etc...

Original poster
sleepisthebest · 01/09/2017 22:15

I do any night wakings. I think that's fair though because he has over an hours commute each way and I worry about him being tired and driving. If the worst comes to it and we have a terrible night then I could sleep in the day if I really needed to (while the naps hold out, anyway!). He will get disturbed by night wakings but I get o. If it's been a particularly rough few night he will occasionally go and sleep in the spare room to get an uninterrupted nights sleep.

It's rare DD wakes at night now, she's a pretty good sleeper now and easy to out to bed (after being a non sleeping pest for her first year!). We've had a harder than normal week because the last four teeth are now on the move so she's woken quite a bit and been unsettled. Probably feels harder because I'm used to her sleeping through!

We have one lie in each at weekend, and on the night when it's my turn to have mine he does any night wakings for that night. Sometimes if I'm really tired I will also go and have my night in the spare room so I'm completely uninterrupted too.

OP posts:
user1496777666 · 01/09/2017 22:27

Two things I would be pointing out if I were you:
1- Being 'hands on' is easy when you are taking them to the park etc, not trying to get the washing done while they 'help' or cook dinner while they hang off your leg wailing.

2 - You have already contributed to dinner by meal planning and shopping, ensuring there was an easy fallback option in the house in case he was called upon to exert himself Hmm

PickAChew · 01/09/2017 22:31

I do think you need to be careful that your DH doesn't carry on living like a single man

If he was a single man, he'd have to cook his own bloody pasta and sauce, unless he bought it in or got his mum to cook for him!

Viviennemary · 01/09/2017 22:50

If I worked those long hours your DH does I wouldn't do a thing in the house unless there was an emergency or illness. I wouldn't be happy with such an imbalance though. One person earning all the money and the other doing all the household chores. It does seem to suit some folk though.

TeachesOfPeaches · 01/09/2017 22:51

Your DP doesn't know how good he has got it. I'm a single mum to a toddler and I work full time, do all cooking and cleaning and life admin and pay the bills! Yet he can't boil some pasta Hmm

Original poster
sleepisthebest · 01/09/2017 23:05

I take my hat off to all working families and single parents. I have no idea how you get it all done. I struggle to keep on top of everything sometimes
(that is 'my job', alongside being a mother) and I'm home all day.

When I worked (all my adult life until DD) it was in a fairly senior, high stress job and I have no clue how parents do that AND then go home and go into mum mode too.

OP posts:
xqwertyx · 01/09/2017 23:42

OP you are working all day too. Flowers

xqwertyx · 01/09/2017 23:48

@sleepisthebest im a working single mum... don't think you're not doing enough, i 'manage' by not doing things that aren't necessary when im too tired and i leave things until the weekend to be done too.

I feel you are under more pressure than me to he honest, because if i want to cone home, leave the hoovering, ironing and washing until tomorrow, i can. But i expect you feel you have to do everything you can fit into one day because DH is out at work.

He may be supporting you but you're supporting him too. If he didnt have you he would have a whole lot more work to do when he got home!

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