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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend wants to bring 4 year old to lunch

122 replies

PutTheKettleOn9989 · 01/09/2017 08:36

I'm having a celebratory lunch thing because I've finished something the size of a Masters degree (don't want to be too specific here, as I don't want to be recognised). I have arranged a lunch (at somewhere a bit posh, not a soft play centre or the zoo) with my closest friends. One of my very closest friends is (I think) emotionally blackmailing me. For some reason she wants to bring her 4-year-old along. This morning I got a text from my friend: "When I mentioned the lunch to DD, she said she really wanted to come." This is after I said to her that I didn't want to amend the booking for the 4th time to add her DD to it. Her DD is a fidget and I can't imagine she'll want to sit with a load of adult women for 2-3 hours. In the interests of full disclosure, I accidentally invited a friend who has a new baby (I posted the invite in the wrong WhatsApp group!) and she is coming, but the baby is small and sleeps mostly, so I'm not too worried about her being disruptive. I think the 4-year-old will be though.

I have replied to my friend to say 'Do you not think she'll be bored?' She's a right little madam when she's bored, very demanding. I worry she'll make talking difficult. I don't ever really celebrate anything, and whenever I do arrange stuff I always assume that children will come too but on this particular occasion I just fancied a gathering without the worry of my friend's strong-willed DD.

AIBU?

OP posts:
WhatchaMaCalllit · 01/09/2017 09:37

Putthekettleon - have you read the thread on here where a woman brought her toddler to a hen night and she brought her DP too?? I wouldn't be surprised if your 'friend' shows up with her DD in tow, even though you've told her not to.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/09/2017 09:37

putTheKettle mabey you don't want her dd to be part 'of the action', not everybody wants a child there, and people have to understand that! They may be your pride and joy, but they are not everybody else! As I said it totally changes the dynamic of the lunch, adult conversation will be off limits, swearing, watching what you say, no no no!

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 01/09/2017 09:39

GOd she really is not doing her DD any favours is she? It's as if she's hte same age as you all rather than a 4 year old!

And my dd just got married, they had a "no children" guest list (which not a single person out of 140, complained about) but there were 4 babes in arms. It is perfectly acceptable to have babies, but no children, at an event.

dustarr73 · 01/09/2017 09:40

Whatchamacallit thats the thread i was thinking of

AnnieAnoniMouse · 01/09/2017 09:40

Well done.

I have to say though, I wouldn't have told anyone that BabyLady was invited by accident. I hope your incredibly dense friend doesn't 'accidentally' mention that in some way. She sounds stupid insensitive enough to!

Congratulations on completing your Mystery Thingy 😁🥂🍾

Deathraystare · 01/09/2017 09:41

Thing is it's not you who will be dealing with the child - it does t impact upon you in any way?!

It will if the parent is not great at kiddie control! She will get bored and tetchy and want a lot of attention (probably) and it will ruin it for everyone. If she has a problem finding child care that is her problem, I am afraid. Why some people think kids should attend everything I don't know!

5rivers7hills · 01/09/2017 09:42

You told her you 'accidentally' invited the other woman?

That was really stupid, and mean. It will clearly get back to her :-(

MatildaTheCat · 01/09/2017 09:45

Lol at her dd 'happiest being part of the action'. We have a DN like this. Much as we love her we find it to be more 'highly attention seeking'.

A fun adults celebration lunch companion of my dreams she is not. Smile

And congratulations!

Original poster
PutTheKettleOn9989 · 01/09/2017 09:46

@sizeofalentil That is bloody brilliant!

@WhatchaMaCallit Waaattt?!?!? That is madness, although I understand how that happens. I have a friend who used to bring her DP to the female-only meet-ups. It was sooo awkward. He'd just sit in the corner with a book. I wouldn't ever say explicitly that it was a female-only thing, but given I'd only invited women, I figured that'd be obvious. Luckily for me she stopped doing it. It was so frustrating at the time though. I also have friends who insist on including their DP in everything because they take responsibility for their DP's emotional wellbeing and they 'didn't want DP to feel left out'. It's infuriating. I'm all for mixed group gatherings (I love them and am a gamer myself, so am happy to chat PC building / gaming), but when friends bring DPs along on shopping trips and then the DPs complain to their wives the whole time that they're bored, I just despair.

@Aeroflotgirl Quite! I feel as though I was made to feel bad for not making it about her DD iykwim. I'm glad I stood up for myself (for a change), I'd have only been resentful otherwise.

OP posts:
ujerneyson · 01/09/2017 09:49

Sounds like she has bigger problems to come given she seems to have a complete inability to say no to her child.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 01/09/2017 09:51

This is the first thread about bringing a toddler to a hen night -
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2998359-AIBU-You-dont-bring-a-toddler-to-a-hen-do?

This is the follow up thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3000534-Toddzilla-Thread-2-No-Toddlers-at-the-hen-do-please?msgid=71352994

Well worth getting a cuppa and having a read!

Shadow666 · 01/09/2017 09:53

I think it sounds like the friend is ok about it. Sometimes it's hard to judge these things so I don't think she was wrong to ask. I think the being in the action comment was more her explaining why she asked rather than guilt tripping you.

FuckYouLinda · 01/09/2017 09:53

She has replied to thank me for being honest and that she'll let her DD know. She acknowledged in her reply to me that her DD is happier 'when she's part of the action'

Brace yourself for a 'devastated' 4yo who's distraught that Auntie Kettle wont let her come to the party and is there any way that just this once she gets to go?

And hold firm. The child crying her eyes out is not your fault. It's the fault of the mother for telling her about the event despite knowing that it was a Ladies wot Lunch set up and not fucking soft play.

I've generally found that these mothers who think that all of sudden the entire world should revolve around their children are the very ones that used to roll their eyes and tut at other mothers who's child cried on a plane. One person I know from an online group was militantly vocal pre- marriage about how she hated kids, how they ruined her day because they burped in her vicinity a coffee shop or whatever. She was also one of those who felt breastfeeding mothers should do it in the toilet. She finally fucked off but slinked back a couple of years ago under a new profile and now is a baby-wearing, extended breastfeeding crunchy mum. It's hilarious and she thinks none of us know it's her. Fuckwit.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 01/09/2017 09:58

This is a special occasion, to celebrate your wonderful achievement, in an upmarket restaurant. Do not cave, stand firm, she's chancing her arm, do I detect an inkling of the green eyed monster here ?
Many congratulations OP, do the right thing, for yourself, and her child.

BackforGood · 01/09/2017 10:02

YANBU, although made life a lot harder for yourself by not just saying 'No, invitation isn't for dd, it is just adults. Hope you can find a sitter, otherwise, see you next time' ..... in the first place. You've ended up "making it up" to her when it was her being rude in the first place.

WorkingBling · 01/09/2017 10:03

I think you and your friend are both handling it well. If in your extended group DC are often invited to day time events, she probably just made assumptions. But now she knows.

I do loathe the assumption that children/ partners must go everywhere. I had a very good female friend I had been friends with since uni but she went through a phase of absolutely refusing to leave the house without her DH. It was maddening. We'd been girlfriends for a long time, had years of shared nights out (or in), wine, giggles, stories and sex stories but suddenly we couldn't so much as get a drink on a Friday night without her DH.

She got over it - I still don't know what it was about - but it was an irritating couple of years.

SexLubeAndAFishSlice · 01/09/2017 10:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vikingprincess81 · 01/09/2017 10:11

Lol at her dd 'happiest being part of the action'. We have a DN like this. Much as we love her we find it to be more 'highly attention seeking'.

Yep!! I know a kid like that! Wink

greendale17 · 01/09/2017 10:12

YANBU- don't cave in

monicasflashlight · 01/09/2017 10:14

Why do people pussy foot around other people's kids so much?
'I'll personally bring her cake and have a special lunch with her'
Why?

She wasn't invited, end of story.

mummmy2017 · 01/09/2017 10:15

Say to her I am sorry but No I don't want a small child coming. Maybe we can take her out for lunch another day, I really want you to be able to enjoy the lunch with me without having worry about X. But if you can't come I will understand.

CotswoldStrife · 01/09/2017 10:17

Has she brought the DD before, it is usual for her to bring her along to everything?

I used to meet up with former colleagues for lunch and they would often invite my toddler along (because they wanted to see her) but I also went without her a few times otherwise it does set up an expectation that if parent is lunching, child is too (or it did for my child - she still wants to come out at night with me now she's a lot older, she was complaining on the doorstep the other night when I went out!)

We have no ready sitters since relocating though, so that probably makes it worse in our case. The daytime aspect of lunch can be tricky if you don't have sitters available during the day, but if there is no-one to look after DD then I think your friend may have to unfortunately skip the lunch or just meet you for a drink afterwards (not before, there will be the temptation to hang around ....)

Aeroflotgirl · 01/09/2017 10:35

Yes will she join in with the Looser Tinder date conversation, or the Penis jokes, 'part of the action' my left foot. She can ask, you say no, end of! You do not pursue it further. I can see the friend coming back and and telling you how devastated her dd is.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 01/09/2017 10:41

Agree with everyone except Quite - it will impact on all the adults if a bored child needs entertaining or placating.

I think there's good advice here on emphasising adults only (totally agree that a babe in arms doesn't count); and it's a nice suggestion to offer an alternative that the 4 yr old can attend (doesn't have to be anything too full-on.... an hour at the park on another day would do). Like the bright and breezy 'they're quick to forget' response. Even if she has a memory like an elephant, she won't know the details unless her mum tells her.

Congrats, and enjoy your (grown up) lunch!

Mittens1969 · 01/09/2017 10:48

I'm surprised she wants to bring her 4 year old, tbph! A 3 hour meal in a posh restaurant with a strong-willed 4 year old DD??? I have 2 strong-willed DDs and it would be a complete no-no to take either of them to such an event, they would be bored and I would be constantly having to tell them off, blow that for a lark lol!!

But I have a DH and also a DM who would happily look after my DDs so that I can go to such events and have some child free time and enjoy celebrating my friend's achievement.

It's your day, stick to your guns!