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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend wants to bring 4 year old to lunch

122 replies

PutTheKettleOn9989 · 01/09/2017 08:36

I'm having a celebratory lunch thing because I've finished something the size of a Masters degree (don't want to be too specific here, as I don't want to be recognised). I have arranged a lunch (at somewhere a bit posh, not a soft play centre or the zoo) with my closest friends. One of my very closest friends is (I think) emotionally blackmailing me. For some reason she wants to bring her 4-year-old along. This morning I got a text from my friend: "When I mentioned the lunch to DD, she said she really wanted to come." This is after I said to her that I didn't want to amend the booking for the 4th time to add her DD to it. Her DD is a fidget and I can't imagine she'll want to sit with a load of adult women for 2-3 hours. In the interests of full disclosure, I accidentally invited a friend who has a new baby (I posted the invite in the wrong WhatsApp group!) and she is coming, but the baby is small and sleeps mostly, so I'm not too worried about her being disruptive. I think the 4-year-old will be though.

I have replied to my friend to say 'Do you not think she'll be bored?' She's a right little madam when she's bored, very demanding. I worry she'll make talking difficult. I don't ever really celebrate anything, and whenever I do arrange stuff I always assume that children will come too but on this particular occasion I just fancied a gathering without the worry of my friend's strong-willed DD.

AIBU?

OP posts:

FuckYouLinda · 01/09/2017 09:06

She'll be interrupting and getting bored, figety and want to run around - a baby wont.

A baby wont understand when you are swearing or talking about shagging. A 4 year old will.

I hosted a meetup and a friend brought her DD. Supposedly she would be happy in the bedroom watching DVD's.She said she had no alternative childcare. So DD came along. She watched about 5 mins of a DVD before declaring she was bored and proceeded to sit amongst us all evening until midnight and was not only exposed to some very adult conversations, but was interrupting or joining in constantly.

It really spoiled it for me, and I'd spent ages arranging the meetup. Trust me, just say no. Be firm. A babe in arms is very different from a small child.

IfYouHappenToSee · 01/09/2017 09:08

Jenny Would she also sit and play on her ipad (which doesn't sound like she actually does love 'posh lunches' tbh. That sounds like she likes playing on her ipad and eating food. Like any 4 year old) if a group of your friends were talking and laughing and celebrating and drinking wine.

Or do you think she might want to join in and feel a bit left out?

Original poster

PutTheKettleOn9989 · 01/09/2017 09:09

I love you guys. Thank you so much for all your replies. I have sent a follow-up message to say 'Actually, having thought about it...' Have listed reasons as to why I'd rather it was adult only, explained about the accidental invite / BF baby. Have offered to buy cake for her DD and deliver it personally so we can have a little 'lunch' together whenever she likes. Have reiterated that it means the world to me to have her there, etc. My conscience is clean, thank you for helping me with this! Establishing boundaries is hard esp with this particular set of friends, who want to include DD in absolutely everything. They even tried to take her to a bar once (she was tired and caused a scene so one of them had to take her home).

OP posts:

IfYouHappenToSee · 01/09/2017 09:10

A baby wont understand when you are swearing or talking about shagging. A 4 year old will.

True!!

Plus 4 year olds have big ears and even bigger mouths There are no secrets when there is a 4 year old around...

Babies tend not to be in the slightest bit interested in what the adults are talking about...

IfYouHappenToSee · 01/09/2017 09:11

explained about the accidental invite / BF baby

She's not likely to be pissed off and reveal that accidental invite, is she?

FuckYouLinda · 01/09/2017 09:11

HiJenny35 See, you might be ok with your DD sitting nice and quietly. But you'd likely be quick to shush your friend telling an X-rated Tinder hookup story or the other who is talking about intimate adult stuff. Or the one who liberally uses swear words.

So your quiet daughter would not be the problem. The problem would be that the whole tone of the event would have to change in order to become PG rated in your daughters earshot. And that's not one bit fair on a group of women who do organise childcare for stuff like this.

PringlesPirate · 01/09/2017 09:12

Fingers crossed your plan has worked OP. Not sure your friend will take no for an answer

pigsDOfly · 01/09/2017 09:12

If you have a 4 year old there the whole atmosphere of the lunch will change and will in all probability be completely dominated and ruined by the bored child and her mother.

Your conversation will have to be curtailed because of 'inappropriate' topics and 'unacceptable' language - we all have to be very unsweary around my 3 yo GD, so I know how that works.

This is your celebration lunch, it's for you to have your time with your friends to relax and enjoy yourself and yet your friend is making it about how excited her 4yo is.

As pps have said, be clear that it's not suitable for a child of that age. When you have children sometimes you have to miss out on things. Not everyone wants your child at their event.

jonsnowsbum · 01/09/2017 09:12

I hate it when people do this! YANBU. My friend organised a night in at hers a few months back, her OH was away and it was a 'takeaway and wine night' with the ladies. All of us have kids and were leaving them home with DHs (plus they'd be in bed anyway).

One friends DH had to work late so she messaged saying 'sorry everyone, I've got to bring the kids with me'. Kids who are 1, 3 and 5. She even then said 'and none of you can go cancelling now, or I'll know why ha ha ha' so she knew we'd not be delighted at the prospect of our child free night changing.

Completely changed the dynamic of the evening. Friend who was hosting ended up letting her DDs stay up as they wouldn't go to bed with the other kids downstairs so we had a takeaway and wine night lasting until 11pm with six overtired children running about. No non-child friendly conversation, cartoons on telly. Just what a bunch of mums who rarely get a break from their own kids want on a night off! Well, I was told it lasted until 11pm, I didn't drink and drove myself home once I'd finished my food.

Just tell her it's not child friendly. If I'd have been hosting that night, I'd have put my foot down and said no.

TestTubeTeen · 01/09/2017 09:12

"Ah, well, next time! Let's have a get together with kids soon. This is a strictly child free lunch. (Breast feeding babes in arms aside).

Actually I am a bit that you meant to exclude the woman with the baby.

Does the Mum of 4 yo have childcare problems?

pigsDOfly · 01/09/2017 09:14

Ah see you've already told your friend. Well done. Hope you have a wonderful time.

PringlesPirate · 01/09/2017 09:15

This is a wee day to celebrate you!! I hope your friends see it as that!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 01/09/2017 09:15

Did you send the message with 'right' little madam' in it? Let's hope that doesn't ever get shown to the mum,eek!

Maelstrop · 01/09/2017 09:17

Be strong, OP and don't back down when she now tries to guilt trip you. I have friends who insist on bringing the (practically grown up) children. It ruins the dynamic.

expatinscotland · 01/09/2017 09:17

YANBU. Grow a spine and use one of the suggestions to tell your friend NO. If she tries the whole, 'I can't come then,' your only response is, 'That's a pity. We will miss you.'

dustarr73 · 01/09/2017 09:17

Just watch something doesnt pop up and she brings her anyway,After all what 4 year old doesnt love babies.

Original poster

PutTheKettleOn9989 · 01/09/2017 09:19

@TestTubeTeen I wasn't wanting to exclude the friend with the baby because she had a baby! She's more of an acquaintance and I had intended for the lunch to be just close friends. Definitely not excluding her for having a baby!! I don't know her very well, is all.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 01/09/2017 09:19

HiJenny your dd might be good at posh lunches, but not all people want a child there, totally changes the dynamic, certain topics of conversations will be out of bounds, and people will have to watch their language.

Good on you op, have child will travel, does not apply to everything, and your dinner is one of them.

LexieLulu · 01/09/2017 09:24

No one would expect a mum to be away from a newborn, but a 4yo?

Just be direct and say this

LexieLulu · 01/09/2017 09:25

How was friend with 4yo response?

FuckYouLinda · 01/09/2017 09:27

They even tried to take her to a bar once (she was tired and caused a scene so one of them had to take her home).

Any parent who thinks a bar is suitable for a toddler is bonkers. I can see her turning up with the 4yo anyway and pretending her childcare let her down at the last minute.

TheNaze73 · 01/09/2017 09:31

YANBU, she's being incredibly selfish

PollyFlint · 01/09/2017 09:33

YANBU at all. A child that age completely changes the dynamic of an occasion. Even if they're sitting quietly playing, it still means some topics of conversation are off-limits and they will still need quite a bit of adult attention. Plus, sometimes it's just nice to go somewhere a bit posh and not have to worry about a small child spilling things, eating with their mouth open, covering the table with their iPad/colouring book/Lego/whatever, fidgeting etc. It's your celebration and you're more than entitled to say it's a kid-free day.

Small babies are completely different - your friend's baby will probably be asleep or being breastfed and if it cries she can just step outside with it until it settles, which you can't do with a four-year-old.

Original poster

PutTheKettleOn9989 · 01/09/2017 09:34

She has replied to thank me for being honest and that she'll let her DD know. She acknowledged in her reply to me that her DD is happier 'when she's part of the action'. I can't imagine she'd just turn up with her now! Fingers crossed ;-)

OP posts:

sizeofalentil · 01/09/2017 09:36

I've had this before and said something similar to…

"To be honest, I want a bit of a grown-up lunch: drink prosecco and talk about penises. It's going to spoil the atmosphere a bit if I have to stop to explain what fellatio is mid-story"

She didn't want to bring her daughter after that.

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