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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend wants to bring 4 year old to lunch

122 replies

PutTheKettleOn9989 · 01/09/2017 08:36

I'm having a celebratory lunch thing because I've finished something the size of a Masters degree (don't want to be too specific here, as I don't want to be recognised). I have arranged a lunch (at somewhere a bit posh, not a soft play centre or the zoo) with my closest friends. One of my very closest friends is (I think) emotionally blackmailing me. For some reason she wants to bring her 4-year-old along. This morning I got a text from my friend: "When I mentioned the lunch to DD, she said she really wanted to come." This is after I said to her that I didn't want to amend the booking for the 4th time to add her DD to it. Her DD is a fidget and I can't imagine she'll want to sit with a load of adult women for 2-3 hours. In the interests of full disclosure, I accidentally invited a friend who has a new baby (I posted the invite in the wrong WhatsApp group!) and she is coming, but the baby is small and sleeps mostly, so I'm not too worried about her being disruptive. I think the 4-year-old will be though.

I have replied to my friend to say 'Do you not think she'll be bored?' She's a right little madam when she's bored, very demanding. I worry she'll make talking difficult. I don't ever really celebrate anything, and whenever I do arrange stuff I always assume that children will come too but on this particular occasion I just fancied a gathering without the worry of my friend's strong-willed DD.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 01/09/2017 08:48

YANBU at all, no sorry, its adults only! Can you not find a friend, or neighbour to look after dd, absolutely do not give way, she is taking the piss.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/09/2017 08:50

You can tell the friend, that the baby coming is coming because they are a baby and sleep, and need to be bf. They are not going to be running about disrupting everything.

Shadow666 · 01/09/2017 08:50

For a moment I thought you'd texted the whole thing about her daughter being a madam. I think it's fine for her to ask but fine for you to say no.

Congratulations by the way!

Chewbecca · 01/09/2017 08:50

No, don't cave, just tell her it isn't a lunch suitable for 4 year olds.

Soubriquet · 01/09/2017 08:51

Tell her it's adults only

If she complains about the baby, point out baby is breast fed and can't be left home

No 4 year old wants to sit still for 3 hours at posh restaurant.

My 4 year old is patient and loves eating out but even she can't still for 3 hours

SweetEnough · 01/09/2017 08:52

No you shouldn't cave, it's your lunch about you, any 4 year old would change the dynamics, a baby not so much.

I wouldn't have wanted my own there when they were 4. Just say, sorry but no.

Lottapianos · 01/09/2017 08:53

YANBU at all OP. This is an adults only occasion. You were very kind to accommodate your other friend's baby. Totally reasonable to not want the 4 year old there. It's your celebration, not a day out for her. Stand firm

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 01/09/2017 08:53

Come on, this is an important day for you and don't let it be spoiled by a 'friend' trying to alter the dynamic because she wants to bring her child.

Your other friend is bfeeding so that covers why her baby is there.

Tell her no, it isn't a suitable occasion to bring the child.

McTufty · 01/09/2017 08:54

quitelikely

You really think that no one else will notice or be affected by the 4 year old except the mother dealing with the child?

I agree that babies can be hard work and it's unfortunate here that OP invited baby by mistake but the mother there can feed the baby if fractious. Hard work for her but not as disruptive for the other people present.

IfYouHappenToSee · 01/09/2017 08:54

I think you can still stay "no kids" even if there is a breastfed tiny baby there. They're hardly comparable.

Is it a childcare issue? I'd assume her partner is either away or busy or just one of those men who control their wives social lives by never being available for childcare.

Tbh, even if that were the case, I don't really see that the onus is on the OP to have a 4 year old at her meal. I wouldn't want it if I were her and I wouldn't expect to take mine if I were the friend.

It totally changes the dynamics of the situation/conversation/group if there is a child there. Who would be demanding because 4 year olds are when they are bored and feel forgotten about in a sea of adult conversation.

Papafran · 01/09/2017 08:55

Thing is it's not you who will be dealing with the child - it does t impact upon you in any way?!

hahahahahhahahahahahahahahahaha
Struggling for breath through my laughter. You're kidding, right?

MadMags · 01/09/2017 08:56

Doesn't matter if it's a childcare issue. If you don't have childcare, you decline the invitation.

OP you are BU to be getting into a conversation about it. It matters not a jot that her dd could be bored because she's not invited to an adult only lunch.

Newborns are completely different.

Maryann1975 · 01/09/2017 08:56

A breastfed baby is completely different to a 4 year old child so I think you can say it's child free, surely she can see the difference? As a mother, I love it when people say an event is childfree, I love getting to go for lunch/dinner/coffee on my own.

IdaDown · 01/09/2017 08:57

Thing is QuiteLikely having a 4yr old mean certain topics and words are off limits; and my (then) 4yr old would have asked for either explanations about discussions or want to talk about whatever he was interested in.

Babe in arms are work - feed/jiggle/nappy but don't curtail the conversation.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 01/09/2017 08:57

That was a bad reply, she's just text back "no she's be fine, she's do excited" or something similar, you should have said "ah tell her adults only but we'll take her for lunch just us another day" shut her down but nicely, now it sounds like you are considering it

Plainlycrackers · 01/09/2017 08:59

Stand firm! A BF baby is not the same as a 4 year old and if she tries that one on she is being ridiculous! Tough it out, YANBU, not in the slightest!

TheAntiBoop · 01/09/2017 08:59

She has a choice to either attend as per the invite (just her) or not come.

It will totally change the dynamic and your friend will e distracted the whole time as she deals with her dd.

I don't know why people can't seem to accept that sometimes an invite is just for them.

Sunshinegirls · 01/09/2017 09:00

Hi "insert friends name" , I know it's a pain but this dinner really isn't a kid friendly one but I'd love it if we could take "insert kids name here" out for a lovely lunch another time to make up for her missing this one. Of course "other friends name" has to bring the newborn because she's breast feeding, I hope you understand why shes an exception. Really looking forward to seeing you and can't wait to spend a special day with your DD. Xxx

SpoonfulOfJam · 01/09/2017 09:00

What is wrong with people?! Yanbu.

I've turned down casual brunches and drinks this summer because I'm aware that the only thing more annoying than my own children, is other people's children. My friends would never explicitly ask kids not to join us but no way would I ruin things for them by bringing my kids.

When they were small and breastfeeding, I did bring them to coffee in family friendly places.

Of course the 4 year old wants to go. My 4 year old wants to follow me to the toilet, to the gym, it's what they do. She needs to realise that it's ok to say no to a child.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/09/2017 09:00

Colossal difference between a non-mobile baby who is being breastfed, and a 4yo child who seems to rule the roost at home.

I'd say no again - say that it's really not appropriate for her DD, especially as you'd like to have alcohol to celebrate (I'm assuming you would?) and that it wouldn't be right for her to be around!

If your friend can't find someone else to look after her DD then she'll have to sadly miss out - but she should not come.

And of COURSE a 4yo is going to have an impact on everyone there - she's not going to be in a flipping box, is she! It will change the entire dynamic of the lunch. Hmm

LadyPenelope68 · 01/09/2017 09:01

Definitely just say sorry, it's adults only.

juneau · 01/09/2017 09:03

A BF baby is a totally different thing to a demanding 4-year-old, who will be bored after 20 mins and want to get up and run around. Don't cave in, you can hardly exclude your friend who just happens to have a newborn, but you most certainly can exclude an older DC. The mother of this DC is being selfish. Either she finds childcare or she doesn't come herself - end of story.

JigglyTuff · 01/09/2017 09:04

No fucking way. Tell her no. If her 4 YO wants to go to the restaurant (and I don't believe that for a moment), Mummy can take her another time but she isn't invited to this lunch

JemmyBloocher · 01/09/2017 09:04

What your friend wants is irrelevant. It's your celebration (congratulations!). 4 year olds are bloody awful at adult meals. She's daft for even asking and you can't compare babies to a rampant pre-schooler. Text back, ' Hi! Sorry this one's an adults only I'm afraid. Not the best place for her. Boring! Looking forward to seeing her for a more casual meet up soon though. Xx'

HiJenny35 · 01/09/2017 09:04

My four year old loves posh lunches and we've done several in London and she would happily sit and draw in her pad for 2 hours so not all 4 year olds would be a nightmare but if you know the kid and don't want her there just say, however it could be that the mum can't get cover so she may not be able to come. Either way your event your choice.