AIBU to my husband and children

[ladyshittersparkles]

God where do I start? I am a SAHM with two beautiful children, one DC at school and one DC at p/t nursery. I am married and have great friends and family. I live in a good area and have no financial issues so on paper I should be happy but I am not. I just can't seem to function like a normal person on a daily basis.

I wake up and feel exhausted, its like ground hog day every day. I just about get my kids out on time to school/nursery (always late due to being disorganised) and almost never have time to shower, do hair etc so feel like shit from the word go. I am very overweight also which really doesn't help either (size 24) and suffer from depression (take anti depressants). I basically spend my days eating junk food, feeling like crap and wasting my life away.

I can't even get motivated to clean my house, I do little bits here and there but its always messy and my husband moans about it on a daily basis. I think if we ever ended our marriage it would because I'm so lazy and untidy. I can never be bothered playing with my kids, I do sometimes but generally can't face it. I really don't want to be like this and would love to be tidy, organised, motivated, slim but just can't get out of this hideous rut I am stuck in. I feel like I'm doing my family a disservice thus making me hate myself even more.

I look around me and I see successful women who work AND run a home, run after their kids AND look amazing?? I wonder how the hell do they do it? I can barely get motivated to wash and dress in the morning??

Has anyone been in the same position before? Is there anyway out? I am at an all time low and really need some advice. Thanks.....

Well i work, think i look ok, blah blah blah.

However, i suffer depression though not on medication at the moment. You sound like me pre medication.

I think you might need your dosage/ type of medication checked or also look at counselling.

It sounds like you are very much in the mist of depression still.

I manage it all because i managed my depression, first.

for you. X

Hey op,

One part of your post stood out to me which is that your goal is to be "tidy, organised, motivated, slim", but you don't mention anything about a desire to be happy?

Could all this be a symptom of your depression? Sounds like maybe your anti depressants aren't working for you and you could go back to the doctor.

Sorry you feel so low. Be kind to yourself please. Life can be really tough x

Sorry the blah blah blah sounds dismissive. It wasnt meant to be, but i dont think its everything in life and dont think people should feel they have to live up to what other people appear to have/be.

You have depression. Looking at other people, as a whole, is just daunting and overwhelming and, ultimately, will make you feel more depressed.

Do you feel like you want to change? Do you think you could change one, small thing a week that might improve your life? I think you need to break it down into manageable chunks... baby steps and all that because it's just not possible to change everything over night.

Can you explain how low you feel to your DH?

Have you shared this with your parent(s) or a good friend?

I recognise this almost to a 'T'.

You need to find something - one thing- that you enjoy doing, and do it. Mine was joining a choir and MAKING myself go every week though often I didn't want to. I'm not going to pretend it solved everything but just one step is where you need to start.

PS I hate to say this, but get off mumsnet. It can be supportive but it can also present an incorrect image of what others are doing AND it is often really, really bitchy and judgemental, especially about SAHMs.

Yep, this is depression. I was exactly the same.

My advice would be to pick one thing to work on and just do that for a month. In your shoes I would say either getting enough sleep or getting outside into fresh air everyday for a walk would be best place to start. So set yourself a target of X bedtime every night, make yourself a bedtime routine and do it every night for a month. Then you can move on to the next thing on your list.

You need to start looking after yourself and cut yourself a break. Looking after children, a home, a husband and battling with depression is a lot for anyone to take on.

You're amazing. You found help for your depression, which I know from experience is so hard.

Your children are feed, clothed and looked after. No, most mums don't want to play hide and seek or peppa pig all fucking day and that's ok, you don't have to. Just make more time for them doing other things, have a snuggle and watch a film they like or read them a few extra stories at bed time or take the time to ask what they down that day.

Set your alarm 1 hour earlier and get up, have a shower and fix your hair, not for anyone else but you! When you look after yourself you'll start to feel better then things will fall into place.

Take 1 hour out of your day to do the house work, not for husband but for you, housework is great exercise, stick on the radio and clean up.

The only person that can change any of this is you

Sending you massive massive hugs

Also, them mums that perfect might be or they might be losing their shit everyday and just hide it better xxxx

Join a gym and hire a trainer. Go to a nutritionist and get a handle on what you eat. Obviously, these things aren't a magic bullet, and it will be hard and take dedication, but the simple fact is that nothing in your life will improve until you get the weight off. Obesity causes depression, both emotionally and chemically within your body, it keeps you feeling exhausted and it prevents you from doing the physical things you want and need to do - but you know all this.

Truly, the choice is yours and if you want to change your body, which will dramatically change your life, you CAN do it. Millions of people have. It depends on how much you want it. You have an amazing support system behind you and the financial resources to get help. Take advantage of them!

Maybe you should treat yourself to a cleaner for one massive push to get it all sorted, then your going to feel better just to see it, and can use that to push start your road to a better way forward.

I can't speak for ladyshittersparkles but if someone told me to join a gym and hire a trainer at my lowest point I would nod and smile and inside I would be thinking 'I could never do that oh god I'm so shit it's all useless.' I can't tell you exactly why.

I'm not trying to be horrible aquamarine but suspect if it were emotionally that easy to do that OP would've done it already.

Aquamarine, that is a huge pile of bullshit and not at all helpful.

I agree Plantsitter.

Really sorry that you're struggling OP, depression is shit. I would reccomend making an appointment with your GP to review your anti-depressants (you might need a higher dosage or a different type of meds) and maybe get on a waiting list for counselling/CBT. They might also recommend seeing a nutritionist to help you with your diet. Hopefully if you can get some help, you'll feel more able to tackle the areas of your life that you're not happy with. Good luck x

Same plantsitter. I am much better than when I was feeling as Op describes and would say I am mostly "me" again but even still I would not feel able to join a gym right now. I am starting yoga next week with a friend though which I think feels a lot less pressure for me than a gym.

Get back to you GP as a priority. Your meds are not working for you as they could or should. See what other options there are, whether tablets and/or other therapies.
What others have said as well though. Find something to do daily. Your own personal goal. A walk is as good as anything as walking has been shown to help with depression, plus it may help with a little weight loss too, so make you feel even better about yourself. You can get walking apps on your phone to track how far you go and try to build on it.

It sounds as if your depression is not under control. You need a change in med/dosage. Have you had any counselling? That should go hand in hand with medication.

I think other PPs saying your meds need to be adjusted are correct. So make that your first thing on your To Do list.

Then add one more. Make your bed every morning. Do only that for a week.

IF you feel up to it at the end of that week, then add another small task that will give you a lift to accomplish. It can be as simple as picking up stuff off the floor in one room or tidying a single drawer.

Take it really gently, one more thing at a time (one thing per week perhaps) and resist the temptation to put a lot on your list. Keep it short and achievable and don't think about the big list you have whirling around in your head.

I look around me and I see successful women who work AND run a home, run after their kids AND look amazing?? I wonder how the hell do they do it? I can barely get motivated to wash and dress in the morning?? I am that woman. Except I do all that shit, am exhausted, look like shit... Remember, shit posted on facebook and the likes are all the 999th version they have taken and shined up for public viewing.

I am struggling with the whole work/life balance right now and lose my shit. One thing my husband says is dont compare yourself to others. And he's right. They might look to have the perfect lives but not all of them do.

The woman with perfectly coiffed hair, beautiful make up and trendy clothes is up to her eyeballs in debt and is an alcoholic.

The woman who juggles kids, fulltime work, homelife so effortlessly, cries herself to sleep at night with exhaustion.

The woman who never seems to tire of days out with her kids and enjoys every breathing second is dosed up to the eyeballs on antidepressants.

Ok. Ok. A bit OTT but hopefully, this makes some sense and some impact.

Can you get time to prepare the night before so it makes the mornings easier? If you find yourself lacking the get up and go to do it, does routine help you? I hate washing. But I know if I say it gets done every 2 days it will get done because I like routine and structure.

I'm happy to chat if you ever want to pm me

If you try one thing , try giving up wheat completely (do it for your family too) Try it week by week and see how you go. The exhaustion is often caused by it. See the book Wheat Belly by William Davis MD, he mentions depression can be caused by it too .

You can have Rice Crispies for breakfast , there are loads of free from breads in the shops now, Ryvitas etc.. Also try taking Evening primrose oil supplements , it's brilliant. Good luck you can do it!

What medication are you on? I found citalopram worked for me for a while then the effcts wore off and I was changed to sertraline which made me worse. I then went onto fluoxetine (Am talking over the space of years here by the way) and it's much better. Although I now struggle with my thoughts and anxiety. I am attending CBT and try to practice mindfulness which helps. I also took up running which is good for my mental health. Can you take some time just for you, even if it's only for a peaceful soak in the bath?

Also, (sorry to keep posting) have you had your thyroid checked? Depression can often be linked to.tied in with thyroid issues. I found once my thyroid issue was picked up and treated, that in combination with others took a little bit of the load off.

Those people you mention aren't thin and able to work full time and have families aren't happy despite doing all this, they are happy because they have full and satisfying lives. It sounds to me as if your life is lonely and empty and you have fallen into a spiral of destructive behaviour which is making things worse. The less you actually do the more tired you will be. Start doing something you care about and might develop a passion for. I don't like exercise much but it makes me feel a lot better. I can only stick to it if I sign up for classes, maybe you could do that? If you can afford it get a cleaner, at least to begin with, going home to a super clean house with no effort required is a big mood enhancer!