AIBU to my husband and children

[ladyshittersparkles]

God where do I start? I am a SAHM with two beautiful children, one DC at school and one DC at p/t nursery. I am married and have great friends and family. I live in a good area and have no financial issues so on paper I should be happy but I am not. I just can't seem to function like a normal person on a daily basis.

I wake up and feel exhausted, its like ground hog day every day. I just about get my kids out on time to school/nursery (always late due to being disorganised) and almost never have time to shower, do hair etc so feel like shit from the word go. I am very overweight also which really doesn't help either (size 24) and suffer from depression (take anti depressants). I basically spend my days eating junk food, feeling like crap and wasting my life away.

I can't even get motivated to clean my house, I do little bits here and there but its always messy and my husband moans about it on a daily basis. I think if we ever ended our marriage it would because I'm so lazy and untidy. I can never be bothered playing with my kids, I do sometimes but generally can't face it. I really don't want to be like this and would love to be tidy, organised, motivated, slim but just can't get out of this hideous rut I am stuck in. I feel like I'm doing my family a disservice thus making me hate myself even more.

I look around me and I see successful women who work AND run a home, run after their kids AND look amazing?? I wonder how the hell do they do it? I can barely get motivated to wash and dress in the morning??

Has anyone been in the same position before? Is there anyway out? I am at an all time low and really need some advice. Thanks.....

Great post by @chestylarue52. So I'll cosign rather than x post.

Some of you may disagree with me, and that's fine, but the simple truth is that the OP needs to make changes in her life and only she can do that. There isn't a pill in the world her doctor can prescribe that will change that. I am not being unsupportive because I've had to make huge changes in my past and I KNOW how hard it is. But the fact remained that only I could improve my situation, so I did. I'm no superwoman or any different than anyone else, but I reached a point where I was sick and tired of feeling the way I did and I had to do something about it. I think all of us are capable of changing our lives, setting goals and reaching them.

Oh and do something daily for yourself - even if its just paint your nails. I'm not vain at all but it's amazing what a little bit of colour and glam can do to make you smile :)

I've been in your shoes, OP. It's tough. I'm sorry you're going through it.

Things that have helped me are writing down plans. It's easier for me to tackle the day if I know what's expected of me. I shower and get dressed every morning, whether I'm going out or not -- I didn't before. It's amazing how much of an impact that alone makes on my mood. I also try to walk wherever I need to go (I live in an urban area, though. Obviously if you're in the middle of nowhere that wouldn't work for you!) and track my daily steps on my phone. The Samsung Health app has monthly challenges (20,000 steps per month) which can be quite nice. A slightly childish, gamey interface, but it gets the job done.

Instead of looking at your house and thinking "This is a disgrace, I don't even know where to start!" -- set a timer for 20 minutes and get stuck in somewhere. Maybe the pile of washing up, or clearing off surfaces in the living room. You don't need to do everything at once.

Definitely go see your GP, as it sounds like the meds/dosage you're on isn't quite right for you.

Aquamarine1029 have you got a citation for that please? Any kind of proper medical source at all? Because it's bullshit as far as I know: obesity can be a sympton of depression, and often a side effect of anti-depressants, but it's not a cause of it.

OP, I really think having another look at your medication might be helpful here. Perhaps some talking therapy too? You're not talking about yourself in a kind way at all, and you do sound awfully low.

Part of getting better might be accepting yourself for the wonderful person you are and the lovely body you have.

Aquamarine, telling someone in the depths of depression to get a personal trainer and see a nutritionist is just not practical. You have no idea of the OP's circumstances. Not everyone can afford those luxuries. Not everyone feels confident enough to join a gym.

Her first call needs to be to the doctor and she needs to work out small steps from there.

Aquamarine1029 I don't disagree that the OP has a desire to change things in her life and that whilst she can have help with that, it does need to come from her- that's why she's posted. I do disagree that part of that needs to be to do with her weight. That comment wasn't helpful at all and wasn't scientifically meaningful.

Hey, it is hard, especially where you are standing now. Have you been checked for sleep apnoea? Especially if you are overweight. You could sleep for twelve hours solid and still feel dreadful when you wake up, and then the rest of your day is a nightmare until you fall into bed again. Long term sleep deprivation can cause weight gain, depressive symptoms and disorganisation. There are things that can help with it, and if you have had a week or two of proper sleep then it is amazing how much better the world around you looks. Good luck!

Please go and see your GP; get some blood tests for anemia, have your thyroid checked, and find out if you are depressed

I meant to say have your levels of AD's checked; if they are too gentle or too low they wont work. You might need a stronger one.

Sounds to me like you need a lot more support, and some different antidepressants.

I've had depression on and off for a few years. I started swimming a few months ago, and then joined a gym. Exercise really helped me fight the depression.

I'm still untidy though, but I feel a lot better in myself.

lady your title asks is you are being unreasonable to your husband and children but the person you are being most unreasonable towards is you. You sound so unhappy and your life is passing you by.

I agree with other posters that you need to go back to the GP regarding your medication and also that some form of counselling would help.

I also feel as if you are directionless and completely and utterly bored by your life, what did you do before you became a SAHM? Do you actually like being a SAHM? Could it be the depression is a result of the role and expectations of it that you now have? Do you feel valued as a SAHM and that it is in and of itself a worthwhile use of your skills and time?

@bannedfromnarnia

Enjoy reading. There are literally hundreds of studies available to review online.

www.psychiatrictimes.com/apa-2015-MDD/cutting-fat-obesity-and-depression

www.everydayhealth.com/depression/depression-and-obesity.aspx

I agree it sounds like you are still depressed and therefore feel trapped and stuck in a rut.

If you want to change things but can't then returning to GP for meds review is the first step.

Do you have a pool near you? Could you do straight for a swim after school run. Sounds daft but if you know you are swimming it covers many bases - a) you don't feel the need to dress up (tracksuit/leggings over swimsuit is fine), b) you'll feel like you're doing something about your weight (exercise) c) you can wash hair afterwards so no need to find that motivation and d) it's something purposeful that's just for you.

Obviously I don't know you at all but could you have adult ADD? I might and probably am extremely far off the mark but this condition can be a cause of chronic disorganisation and never feeling like you can 'get things done' which leads to depression and 'low self worth' etc.

Going to the gym is not the first step in tackling depression. Yes, exercise does have it's place in releasing endorphins etc but it is not as easy as just doing it because if it was then no one would be depressed or overweight, would they?

Aquamarine, what you're saying is the worst kind of pseudo-motivational ill-informed Facebook-share bollocks.

I don't think you actually understand what depression is. The OP isn't feeling terrible because she hasn't made changes. She hasn't made changes because she's feeling terrible. There's a huge difference between those two things.

ladyshittersparkles, you definitely sound like someone struggling with depression. Get your medication reviewed for starters and consider asking for a referral for therapy, whether it's counselling or CBT or whatever else sounds like it might help. I suspect that if your mood improves with the help of proper treatment, you'll feel more able to manage your weight/eating habits (if your weight bothers you) and will find that you have more energy to be more active.

I have every sympathy with you as I have been in your situation. You sound like a really lovely person and I really hope you're able to get some help and feel better soon. Take care.

Is your H doing anything about the messy house, or just moaning at you? Does he do his share of domestic work and childcare (an easy way to work out what his share is, even if he has a fulltime job: do both he and you have the same amount of actual leisure time, or is he sitting watching telly when he gets home from work while you are on duty every minute you are awake?)

While I agree with PP that it sounds like your current meds are not doing the job, another factor very common in women who are 'depressed' is domestic abuse. A man who does no domestic work and blames his partner for the house not being perfect may well be abusive. Does he belittle and criticize you in other ways, as well?

Aside from your medication which lots of pp's have picked up on, do have a think about how much sugar you are eating, not just in junk but a lot of carbs as well. I low carbed for a while and whenever I eat sugary things now, (whole bar of chocolate type of thing, maybe 2 in a day) not long afterwards it makes me feel really bloated, drained and worn out.

Well, I don't know.

The consensus says depression, they might be right. But I think it looks like boredom.

You say: would love to be tidy, organised, motivated, slim

Most people find tidying boring. It's a means to an end, it's not really something that inspires you

Ditto being organised. It's just doing the same shit more efficiently.

Being slim, well, it's more of a state of being than something that is interesting in and of itself.

When you get past all that, what is it that you actually want to do? What are you doing that interest you? Or did you just throw all that under the bus to keep things going and now you can't find a way back?

I'm just recovering from a very severe bout of depression. I was on medication but it took me to be unable to get out of bed for 6 weeks to realise they were not working.

I wanted to function, do the washing, clean the house, play with my children. I couldn't. It's a simple as that. I had no energy, no drive, but felt guilt ridden I couldn't function normally. Depression robs you of that.

A person cannot make changes until their depression is under control. This means a medication review, a trip to the GP. Until this happens, even one simple task seems insurmountable. You feel guilty, so the spiral continues.

OP, you are poorly. You need to visit your GP as the first step. It will get better but take baby steps. Good luck x

I look around me and I see successful women who work AND run a home, run after their kids AND look amazing?? I wonder how the hell do they do it? I can barely get motivated to wash and dress in the morning??

Don't compare yourself!

I used to be a sahm - very focussed on the kids, house was okish but messy, never liked cleaning, do cook properly but I'm no housewife...
I was quite self satisfied and complacent with DC1 and 2, thought I knew what I was doing, did tons of stuff with them, was a childminder when I only had DC1 and carried on in full outstanding childminder mode when I had DC2 and only "minded" my own 2.

But I lost my mojo with the full time mum thing a bit when DC3 came along and turned out to be the non sleeper who cracked me. He really wouldn't sleep for more than an hour at any time of the day or night for years, despite doing all the same things re routine etc I'd done with DC1 and 2. I saw all the night waking and child care and house stuff and food stuff and laundry as my job because I "didn't work" and fell apart physically, put loads of weight on, developed weird physical aches and pains, back problems, hip problems, utterly lost my motivation, felt lost and pointless, got into a position where DH set up a separate account for me which had to pay for all food and clothing and activities for the children (and for myself and DH) and found myself having to choose between buying bananas or paying for playgroup despite DH earning a good wage and buying himself things on a whim... I felt worthless. I let the kids watch too much tv, I couldn't be bothered doing as much with them, I felt overwhelmed battling with older children over homework and keeping the toddler occupied at the same time, I was grumpy and lost.

Several years ago I realised I needed to start earning to be valued and value myself and allow myself to let go of some of the self imposed domestic burden - I hate that that is how it was, but it was my reality. I got a job to allow me to justify outsourcing some of the childcare and housework - actually, being in paid work and outsourcing some of the kid stuff and house stuff is easier than being a sahm

My life is way easier now - getting a job meant I could pay for primary age kids to do homework club and send youngest to childcare and gave me the self belief to insist DH do more with the kids, and broach hiring a cleaner, because I no longer felt that I had to carry the whole domestic load and do it well to justify my existence because I didn't bring in cash to pay for shit.

Perhaps you need different antidepressants, other people have advice to give on that. However I'd also say you need to change your mindset. Those shiny women are outsourcing some of the stuff that gets you down, society values them and tells them they are contributing, they aren't home staring desolately at dust bunnies all day so they aren't tempted to dip into the fridge - it's easier for them to be shiny.

Getting a job outside the home might just give you the confidence and the cash you need to make your own life easier and raise your self esteem enough to take back your happiness.

I think you should go to see your GP. Tell them what you have written here. There might be a medical reason for your exhaustion in addition to the depression - eg. anaemia.
They should be able to help you.

I found the Flylady useful for getting back on track with keeping the house clean - I wasn't depressed, just have a hectic lifestyle and everything was a bit chaotic but Flylady helps you to build up a routine step by step.

I think everything seems too much so you need to tackle one tiny thing at a time. Try to do one positive thing each day.

I agree with the others that you sound very depressed and there has been some great advice.
I would also say that if you have the money, it might be an idea to get a cleaner in once or twice a week just to kick start getting your place sorted out. Sometimes I look at a huge pile of housework to do and it just seems overwhelming and I really don't know where to start and it puts me off even starting on it, yet once I start on it, I get more motivation and I know I feel so much happier in myself when the house is more like I want it to be.
Maybe someone coming in to help you do the basics and then a few extras it might make you feel better about your home and your environment. It may lift your mood and make it easier for you to have a go on it to get it how you want it.