AIBU to my husband and children

[ladyshittersparkles]

God where do I start? I am a SAHM with two beautiful children, one DC at school and one DC at p/t nursery. I am married and have great friends and family. I live in a good area and have no financial issues so on paper I should be happy but I am not. I just can't seem to function like a normal person on a daily basis.

I wake up and feel exhausted, its like ground hog day every day. I just about get my kids out on time to school/nursery (always late due to being disorganised) and almost never have time to shower, do hair etc so feel like shit from the word go. I am very overweight also which really doesn't help either (size 24) and suffer from depression (take anti depressants). I basically spend my days eating junk food, feeling like crap and wasting my life away.

I can't even get motivated to clean my house, I do little bits here and there but its always messy and my husband moans about it on a daily basis. I think if we ever ended our marriage it would because I'm so lazy and untidy. I can never be bothered playing with my kids, I do sometimes but generally can't face it. I really don't want to be like this and would love to be tidy, organised, motivated, slim but just can't get out of this hideous rut I am stuck in. I feel like I'm doing my family a disservice thus making me hate myself even more.

I look around me and I see successful women who work AND run a home, run after their kids AND look amazing?? I wonder how the hell do they do it? I can barely get motivated to wash and dress in the morning??

Has anyone been in the same position before? Is there anyway out? I am at an all time low and really need some advice. Thanks.....

You don't owe the world to look good an feel good be organised etc. But you do deserve to be happy with yourself and where you're at. Consider taking a survey about your mental health and having blood tests for the usual suspects (thyroid, diabetes). Work out some small and large goals. Start achieving and congratulating yourself. Best wishes

Aquamarine1029 That's interesting, thanks.

The Psychiatric Times is reasonably reliable of course, but this isn't a peer reviewed study, it's an opinion piece (admittedly from an actual psychiatrist). It's only suggesting the possbility of a link in some cases, and that more research is needed in a possible reason and therefore treatment for that, and i's also stressing that it's referring to 'some depressed individuals' without putting any numbers to that.

The second one is not a reliable source of academic health information - I'm after actual peer reviewed studies here not a for-profit website.

I've had a root through ScienceDirect - quickly, I know, not properly - and all I'm seeing is a small number of relatively recent articles (and so not ones that have been thoroughly examined by their peers yet) and all I'm seeing is a potential connection between leptin dysregulation and depression in a small number of patients with a comobidity of obesity and depression.

I'd want a lot more evidence than that before I went off telling people to see a nutritionist to cure their depression on the internet.

Somebody once said that to be happy, you need three things

People to love and connect with (that includes friends as well as family. Sahm s can be so so isolated)

Something to do

Something to look forward to or work towards (personal goals and things that are meaningful to you that you want to pursue)

I'm in the same boat OP, I'm going through crushing depression..actually I don't think it's chemical. I think it's a natural response to an unfulfilling situation I'm in that I need to get out of. You may have chemical depression though. being skinny hasn't made me happy , but the veil of depression lifts a bit when I get out to the gym (I have to force myself sometimes) and found an exercise I enjoy and the feeling of accomplishment afterwards. Eating healthy hasn't made me happy but I don't feel as tired and ick when I eat well.
I know I need to make some connections with other people and this fall I'm really going to push myself. It's a nasty spiral when the more depressed you feel, the more you shut out people and then the more depressed you get.
I also personally need a job or to take a class or something that get me out of my shell and keeps me busy. I think most people are like that.
Can you also try a new antidepressant? Or talk to a therapist ?
Idk, maybe some of the things I've said can resonate and maybe not.

Hello Op. I am so sorry you are feeling so poorly, depression is an illness and you need to remember that. Would you be feeling so upset with yourself if you had a physical illness that was making life so difficult. The people telling you to lose weight are wrong, the most important thing is to be happy. Go back to your GP so they can look at your dosage/counselling.

You are doing really well getting out of bed each day with depression can be incredibly hard. Just keep going you will get there

Today was a good day. Yesterday was awful. I have accepted there will be both.

It really helped when I came to terms with the fact that I love my kids but I am not Mother Earth. I struggle. I find it very dull. I do what I can.

I have started going to an exercise class for myself. Alone time.

Keeping my house tidy, the washing done, feeding the kids...it never stops. But I do what I can. What I have to and then I need help. Bin the kids tat. Make your husband help. Get a cleaver if you can.

There is a life beyond motherhood. Don't feel bad for thinking and wanting it. Talk to your husband. Think about seeing your GP about the exhaustion (there's more than depression to consider, it could be vitamin D, lots of easily remedied things)

Be kind to yourself because when you are happy then that is the start of a happy family!

Good luck

I don't know about depression. Honestly? I think you're bored and unfulfilled. I recognized so much of myself in your posts. After five years as a SAHM I went back to university and retrained. Changed my life. A focus for me, something to work towards that wasn't child-related, deadlines that meant I had to fit other things in, rather than making a supermarket shop last a whole morning because I didn't have much else I HAD to do. Wishing you luck, you'll get back on track.

First and foremost go to your gp and ask for physical check up. Numerous physical ailments from thyroid problems to a food allergy to anemia could account for your exhaustion and depression. I have had severe bouts of anemia that have left me floored to the point of suicidal ideation or vicious panic attacks. That reduce massively within an hour of a correctly timed supplement and disappear completely when my iron levels return to normal.

I think obesity and depression are intertwined in very complex ways - I know that, speaking for myself, depression renders me incapable of caring for myself, emotionally, psychologically or physically - basically when I don't like myself at all, why would I look after myself.

But then that leads to emotional eating and eating the wrong things - which in turn makes me hate myself even more (lying in bed, hating myself because of what I ate that day), which in turn leads to weight gain, which leads to more self hatred, which feeds straight back into being depressed again.

Whilst I understand what @Aquamarine1029 is trying to say, and in some ways she is not wrong, I think she is ignoring or underestimating the paralysing effects of depression and poor self image. So I would disagree with her statement that no pill can sort your life out. Antidepressants are not a magic wand, but what they can do is get you to a place where you are able to care for yourself and like yourself a bit more, and where you have a bit more motivation to make the effort.

When you are depressed, it can be an almost impossible challenge to get out of bed and get dressed. There is so little motivation or energy in your budget, that everything is a struggle - even the absolute basics. And as a mum with depression, I know that you often end up spending most of your energy/motivation budget on looking out of the children, leaving less than nothing for self-care.

It sounds as if this is where @ladyshittersparkles is, at the moment, so I would echo the advice to go back to the GP and ask for more help. I have just come out of a really dark spell of depression, and what has helped me has been a combination of ADs - Mirtazipine which helps with anxiety and poor sleep as well as depression, and Prozac - both in quite small doses.

Do you have people you can turn to in real life? Friends or family who might be able to help out on a practical level or with supporting you emotionally, or maybe a local voluntary programme who could send someone to give you some practical help?

I know what it feels like, to feel so low, and to feel as if you are drowning in the clutter and mess of life with small children - I have been there. If you need someone to talk to, please do message me, and I will help if I can.

I agree go back to your GP and get your medication reviewed. Also you have lost yourself as lots of us do in motherhood. What do you enjoy? Find some time for you each week and do something that makes you feel better, for me it's yoga. And yes you don't know what's going on with the other mums we all have problems and struggles no one is perfect.

@bannedfromnarnia

Peer reviewed, no problem. There's tons of them. I should know because I did a research paper on obesity and it's impact on mental health. If you need more, it's called Google.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1323317/#!po=0.537634

Did this study take into account the impact on mental health of a culture that regards non-thinness in people (particularly women) as a moral failing which makes them fair game for relentless criticism and abuse?

One of the biggest failings of the psychiatric profession as a whole is its complete disregard for inequality and the fact that poverty/misogyny/racism cause people to be angry and sad, and that these are wholly rational responses to living in a world that treats you unfairly.

Thank you, I'll read that. But if you've done peer-reviewed research yourself you'll know that Google is not a good place to be looking for academic research - I'm sure your uni librarians can advise.

Sorry, I haven't read everyone's else comments, just some that sounded very pertinent, but I think you should take one of these issues and decide to deal with it. Once you have made progress on just one thing you will feel more positive about your ability to change the others.

May I recommend Overeaters Anonymous? As carrying around so much weight is obviously going to affect your energy levels.

I second all the advice about seeing your GP - I found myslef feeling a lot better once I'd been put on iron tablets - I also suffer from depression.

Everything needs to be baby steps - could you get yourself a fitbit/pedometer and aim to walk 3000 steps a day and slowly build it up rewarding yourself if you do more? (Use non-edible treats like buying a magazine/small bunch of flowers/ spending 30 minutes in a nice scented bubble bath while little one is at nursery.) Could you start by simply going through one drawer - its how I tackle a tidy up otherwise I feel overwhelmed. Perhaps do your bedroom one drawer at a time to create a bit of personal space?

I actually find Marie Kondo quite helpful - I like her way of organising things and she also advises tidying a bit at a time. There is something very therapeutic about sitting on the bed putting on some nice music and simply refolding a drawer of tshirts and arranging them by colour. Its only a 5 minute job but the end result always makes me smile and I think that is something you probably don't do enough of.

Exercise is one of the best ways to improve mood and can help depression even people who are on medication. Just having a walk and getting out may do you well. Sometimes you have to make yourself do things. Take one day at a time and don't beat yourself up. You will get there but it won't happen overnight. Just keep going. I hope you succeed.

If someone is really depressed, they may honestly not be able to 'just have a walk', @niccyb - as I said earlier, even just getting out of bed,and performing the most basic of self-care tasks can be nigh impossible. When you add the fact that the depressed person may be spending their few physical and emotional resources on caring for their children, you reach a point where just going for a walk is beyond possible.

That is why I am advocating starting with the ADs - in the hopes that they will bolster the OP's mood and energy to a point where she is capable of the level of self care you are suggesting.

I think you are exhausted because of your diet, the impact it's had on your weight and then the impact that is having on your health both physically and mentally.

Anti depressants do cause weight gain and they make you not give a fig about eating anything and everything.

Tidy house = tidy mind

Where to start? Grab a large bag and start filling it with the rubbish or junk. Start in any room it doesn't matter. Just go go go

Blast your fav tunes

Don't eat in that morning, just have a coffee or tea - this way you get no crash/food coma situations

Consider taking Vit D and try to get a bit of air - even if it's walking up and down your back garden

Wow, I am overwhelmed with all the kind, supportive messages! Thank you all, having read them has really given me a lot to think about.

First things first, I am going to make an appointment with my GP as something has to change. I've been in denial that depression has been causing all of this but I suppose it really is obvious. I have been taking citalopram for 3 years and feel like they definitely don't do much for me anymore so hopefully I can change my meds and also get my general health checked out.

It's also comforting to know that many of you have been in similar situations and have come out the other end.

I will read over all your replies again tomorrow and write up a check list of things to do. Thank you, you have made me feel things can change for the better.

Ur ill hun.would u be this hard on a friend with cancer.or heart problems.no...this is just as real illness.and it can be disabling.give urself a big hand on heart tell urself over and over some kiiiiind words."its ok.ur poorly.we can do this.let's try again"really offer urself back some compassion.depression is awful.
Instead of comparing ,wat sue make u happy.little things.go for a walk with kids.have a huge fruit salad.roast loads of veggies.try making really delicious health additions over "weight loss" centred stuff.it might get the motivation on goodness and health over the constant looming of "fat.lose weight starve"thoughts.u want to be happy,active,free so thi.k that way if the weight loss demons are haunting u.wat r the little things.tomorrow's say could u get up 30 mins early to shower.to walk in dawn sunshine,to even read paper.wat would make u feel good tomorrow.could u add a salad with lunch.or swap sweet potato ft chips.cook with the kids as ur little assistants.
Get them in on cleaning.make it a game.winner gets a prize or choice of movie,teddy,take away.
Do u like to write or draw.any chic Clive u cud have a giggle to.anything that helps hun.have a few days still keeping thoughtful and kind instead of beating urself up fr all ur not doing look at all u r!could u think of anything u think would help.xx

Depression is an illness completely seperate from weight Ffs.often people are skinny depressed.normal weight depressed.its an illness in itself.weight can be a symtom from it but not always.u can get depressed feelings from obesity but depression as an illness is seperateso far seperate

kateandme Depression is often caused by smoking and strong alcohol though, junk food too of course, it just doesn't fall out of the sky.

Stephen Fry did a programme about it and a doctor who was also depressed said to stop smoking and take Vit. B6. She had cured herself.

Well - I have never smoked, and rarely drink - and I developed depression in my mid teens, due to being bullied at school. And whilst I am sure that alchoholism can lead to depression, I have never heard of smoking as a causative factor - and everything I have read does not suggest that smoking and alcohol are major causes of depression.

I have tried vitamin supplements, light boxes, aromatherapy, St Johns Wort, psychotherapy, and cognitive behavioural therapy, and whilst some of these help a bit, the only thing that really helps is the antidepressants - so I'm sorry, but one case where depression was cured by giving up smoking and taking B6 is not proof that there are simple, easy lifestyle solutions to depression.

Giving up wheat esp. brown, can help too SDTG . I recommended a book about it earlier , it definitely can help with the exhaustion.

Hiya
I’ve just joined Mumsnet and yours is the first post I read. I just posted for the first time myself and bar a few details I could be you, I have all the issues you experience and life is pretty shit. I’m just wondering how you’re doing down as the post was from 2017? Thanks so much for posting what you did it definitely made me feel less alone x

OP, I'm a SAHM too, and am no stranger to depression.

You've listed all the things you find yourself to be deficient in. What do you give yourself credit for? And don't you DARE say, 'nothing'. Do you, feeling as crap as you are clearly feeling, struggle out of bed each day, and do and give everything you have, to make sure that your children's needs (needs, not wants) are met?

Please, start looking at what are doing that is valuable. You're children are safe, loved, fed, clothed, sent off to nursery and school each day. I'm betting their teeth and hair are brushed, their clothes are washed, and that they know Mummy loves them. These are things that sadly, many children don't get to experience.

I found that when I had younger ones, if I forced myself to go out, and take them to the park, or library, just one outing, once a day, it made a difference to how I felt about myself.

I remember a lady at the check-out, looking at me (I shudder to think just how bad I really looked), with my one year old and three year old, and very kindly saying, 'you've done so well to have you all up and about so early in the day' - um, I think it was about 11am! But that was the turn around. I realised that I had achieved something, okay, it might have been setting the bar pretty low as far as I was concerned, but I'd done it!

Sorry for the rambling. (Also, the end of winter is always the worst for me for feeling completely crap and de-energised, and completely blah. Could that be part of it? Spring and more sunlight and longer days is around the corner, hang in there. . .)