...to be shocked that my DM has sent me an itemised bill for staying at her house?

[UmBankroll]

Sorry it's a long one. NC as I know some friends and family are Mumsnetters...

So, here's the story:

I'm the only child of a single mother, now in my mid-20s, moved abroad by myself when I was 18 to pursue my career. I come back to the UK every year to visit and stay with my mother for 2-3 weeks generally. Got married to my DH (who is a national of the country I live in) last year, and since getting married we have paid to stay in hotels nearby to my mother's house whenever we visit (3 times in the past 18 months).

This summer DH and I had the flexibility of being able to stay in the UK for longer, due to the fact that I quit my job and he had over a month off work. When discussing our plans with my mother during our visit back in February, she suggested we stay at her house rather than shell out for hotel accommodation for such a long time (prices are very high where she lives - prime location). DH and I were both happy with the idea so we agreed to it.

My mother's house needed a bit of attention in order to make it really comfortable for the 3 of us to co-habit for a month or so. Over a period of 3 months prior to our stay, I discussed with her the things she wanted fixing/changing as well as the alterations I wanted to make to my bedroom & bathroom. We agreed on all the refurbishments and I basically project managed from abroad whilst my mother handled things at the property. DH and I paid for absolutely everything. From two completely new bathrooms, new wooden floors throughout the whole house and new kitchen appliances, to a big new TV for the living room and lots of soft furnishings. DH and I spent upwards of £16k on all the updates (most of it on labour costs...!) and my mother was so happy with it, as were we during our stay. It ended up costing more than a hotel would have, but at least it's an investment in the property rather than just throwing the money away.

Since DH and I came back home just over a week ago, I received an email from my mother with a PDF attachment of an itemised bill for our stay at her house, listing the prices of literally everything down to the hand soap, bath towels and bed linen. Even food (although we regularly ate out or bought our own food from the supermarket and cooked for the 3 of us), and a % of the electricity bill and council tax. The bill she has written - addressed to me only - amounts to over £2000.

As a bit of back story, my mother has been struggling professionally of late (her roles are freelance and have been few and far between for quite some time) and I have bailed her out of a few financial troubles on several occasions over the past few years. At the end of last year, DH and I agreed to help her by taking over her monthly mortgage payment of £2500, which I have transferred monthly to her account ever since. It appears she has massively taken her foot off the gas in terms of trying to find work since we are taking care of this monthly payment. She's in her early 50s and in good health, but keeps dropping rather unsubtle hints about wanting to retire and be a full-time grandma (I'm pregnant with our first).

AIBU to be shocked and quite frankly appalled that she has sent me an itemised bill for the stay which SHE suggested in the first place, especially considering all the financial support we've been giving her anyway, plus taking care of renovating her home to the spec she wanted? AIBU to refuse to pay this bill? And AIBU to think she is seeing my DH (who is very successful) and I as one big meal ticket? It's unfair, it's embarrassing, it's putting an unnecessary pressure on my DH, and we are starting our own family and need to take care of ourselves - we can't bankroll her forever. I really don't know how to react or respond as I don't want to destroy my relationship with my mother, but I'm lost for words that she's taken it this far.

Not sure why people are so disbelieving here.

I used to work in the call centre of a large mortgage provider and it was pretty normal when people called from London that their monthly payments were well over £2k.

Also for a small fee of £25 anyone could switch their mortgage to interest only and indeed lots of people did temporarily for example when they were on Mat leave.

What a bonkers thread.

Why does everyone think the OPs DM needs to sign over the house. The OP has said she has paid £2500 a month from late last year plus the £16k building work plus some other money but even so it doesn't add up to £1.9 million. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The OPs DM sounds like she is pissed off that the OP and her DH want her to transfer the house over to them. She probably feels that the OP and her DH are trying to pull a fast one. She doesn't sound like she is very bright when it comes to financial matters so it's not too much of a stretch that she would think like this

She would get a better deal from an equity release company.

Why does everyone think the OPs DM needs to sign over the house. The OP has said she has paid £2500 a month from late last year plus the £16k building work plus some other money but even so it doesn't add up to £1.9 million.

YY.

Is it a new (grabby) thing that if you pay for

^Harass

If the OP's mother releases more equity, her payments will increase. Who will pay them if the OP doesn't given the OP's mother is adamant she won't move out of the house that she can't afford to live in?

Titanz

I'd send her a bill split into three ways for all the work that you had done, mainly as she's getting the majority of the pleasure from it. I'd draw up an agreement that if she can't pay now, it will be paid at some point if she either moves/dies. Make sure it's dated and signed by both parties. Plus add any shopping you bought and any other expenditures from which she gained.
I would also be inclined to keep all receipts and records of expenditure so that you can claim your share when she is no longer here. Have you checked as to whether she has a will and also a power of attorney?Both are an absolute necessity these days.The later covers you if she needs her finances to be taken care of, her mental health declines, etc.
It is very strange behaviour, to the level of bizarre though, as she's only in her early 50's, unless she's suffering from early onset dementia?Maybe I ought to do the same and then mine might move out! Seriously though, hard up as we are, we won't kick out our children. Both are long gone 18, but with house prices around here it's a struggle to get onto the housing market. I'm ok if I see her saving but I do get grouchy when I see clothes packages turning up. Especially as I was kicked out the day I was 18 and was raped soon after. I can't and won't ever forgive my parents. There's history there...
Maybe she is genuinely hard up; as in the fur coat and no knickers type.
A friend of mine's mother has the same problem too. She's got used to a certain life style and can't bear to leave it and live more meagrely. She couldn't even afford her estranged husband's funeral so my friend felt obliged to pay for it.

You don't mention your father. Where is he in all of this? How did your mother gain the house in the first place? 🤔

That's a brilliant idea *AlmostAJillSandwich. OP, get yourselves onto those house deeds pdq, particularly as you have been paying for her mega mortgage for a while now and there seems to be no sign of it coming to an end. Even if she does suddenly get a job and can pay for it, I'd insist. After all, without your help, she'd have had the house repossessed.

You don't mention your father. Where is he in all of this? How did your mother gain the house in the first place? 🤔

People don't have to know these things.

OP, I've RTFT, and think you may have to let go of ideas about inheriting your mother's house, mainly due to her age and (lack of) income.

If she's in her 50s, she could well live for another 30 or 40 years. Even if she was financially stable, the value of the property could be eaten up in future long term care fees.

However, your mother isn't financially stable. She's ageing in an erratic industry, hasn't worked since April and has told you she doesn't really fancy the idea of working anyway. You may be covering her mortgage - but how on earth is she paying for her day-to-day living expenses like food and bills? If she had already missed a couple of mortgage payments before you stepped in, she may have other debts elsewhere (overdrafts, credit cards etc). Doing something as extreme as sending you an itemised bill may be a sign that she has exhausted all forms of money elsewhere.

I'm also willing to bet your mother doesn't have any form of personal or workplace pension to provide an income in future. Heck, if she had irregular earnings in the past, she may not even have enough National Insurance contributions to get a full State Pension.

The equity in the house could be the only thing to fund her future, if she doesn't get further work and doesn't have much / any pension income. Even what's left after clearing debt from a £1.9 million property is unlikely to cover 40 years, especially if she's used to living beyond her means.

Seems to me she needs to sell the house she cannot afford to live in asap. Rather than paying her mortgage, you'd be better off paying to get her some decent financial advice on how to generate income from what's left after the mortgage, other debts and possibly any money you've paid towards the mortgage or renovations is paid off. Should also investigate how to tie the money up in some way that lessens the chance of your mother burning through it all with decades left to live. Even so, brace yourself for her taking out equity release on any future property though - I really think there's limited chance of there being anything left for you to inherit.

Paying the mortgage, and probably being responsible for the upkeep of the property, while your mother continues to live there, will lead to all kinds of emotional and financial turmoil. If you can afford to write the money off, you might choose to continue supporting your mother. But doing so in the hope of eventually inheriting her home strikes me as a horrendously expensive mistake, when you may end up with nothing.

Pick up the phone.

Say, I got your email and was very surprised. Why are you asking us for more money when we've paid for so much already?

See what she says.

That's pretty outrageous!! Phone her and sort it out

I've RTF and I believe you, has your mum replied to your email, the other poster who said ring her is right just give her a quick call.

OP, get your mum to ring the lenders to obtain a redemption statement to find out how much the mortgage is?

Those who are calling the op grabby....

• she is currently paying the mortgage at £30k /yr.
• her mum isn't working, and there is 15 yrs left on the mortgage, so op is likely to be paying this for another 15 yrs if no changes are made.
• at the end, she will also need to clear the capital, as her mum clearly doesn't have the savings to do so.

Would you really pay all that money (900k plus upkeep of the house) without asking for any legal rights to the house at all? Really?

If the op isn't on the deeds, the more can take out further loans against the house and she'll be none the wiser. She needs to protect herself here.

If the op paid all that money and then posted on here saying "I gave my mum £900k on the house and now she's taken out another mortgage on it / leaving it all to her new DH" (insert applicable reason), people would say she should have sorted her legal rights out before making all those payments. It's not grabby, it's sensible.

Tell her to go f#% herself. How dare she?!? Stop giving her money, if she can't afford to pay her mortgage she will have to sell and downsize, like everyone else does. She is taking the p%#.

I've just finished reading the whole thread and am astounded at your situation, glad you are going to get advice from a solicitor today, the situation really does need clarifying. Please let us know how you get on.

Seeing as she said she wants to be a more hands on grandma do you think she plans on moving abroad with you? Thinking if she sends you a bill then you'll know she literally has nothing to live off, she'll be told to sell the house and will move in with you for a little while whilst she sorts herself out, and then you'll love having her around to help with the new baby and she'll just never leave?! Maybe she just wants to be with her family and doesn't know how to tell you, so is trying to make you offer?
Or, as PPs have suggested she has just got used to you paying for stuff and doesn't think twice about asking for more?
Definitely agree with regards to getting something legal in place about paying the mortgage and the upkeep or that may well end up as money down the drain.

OP, have you heard back from your mum?

I think the amounts of money are irrelevant. This situation can't go on because it is bad for everyone.

Your mum has to live within her means and she has failed to do that. She therefore has to live with the consequences. Your circumstances (and DH's) are really nothing to do with that.

I kind of agree with KiteSky

The only reason you are investing in her home is because you were thinking you would able to get it at a lower cost than the other properties in the area.

I think she should downsize, pay you back the money you've spent then she can use the rest of the money as she sees fit. She may even need it for a care home.

I agree with KiteSky and travellingmamma.
It was a bad idea that you offer to Pay the mortgage right from the start. It is just going to cause misunderstandings and hard feelings from both sides. From your point of view you are just trying to help, from your mother's point of view you are trying hard to get The house off her. When she sent you that bill it is obvious that is the case. She thought that while you spent a lot of money when you stayed with her, it was only to look after your future interest and to increase the value of the house that you already consider yours. She was upset because you didnt ask her if she needed any money or at least paid for expenses while you were there, knowing that she doesnt work, you dont even know the hardship she went through after you left since you dont live there. This is all spoiling the relationship between you too, which is a shame as it is only money at the end of the day and she is your mother. Perhaps it is not too late to change things and help her in ways that you can but without paying the mortgage and trying to get the house in your name. Have an honest talk with her and say you were upset about receiving a bill from her when she could have just asked for money and explain that you feel you don't want to leave her without a house in her name but at the same time you can't continue paying the mortgage. Seek advice and try to reverse things. I know if i was in your place i wouldn't want any longer the house in my name but if she downsizes or find a solution I'll try to recover the money (or some) from the months I've already paid. Good luck with everything.please let us know!

That's really very awkward - I wouldn't pay the bill ignore it. I would also look at the mortgage your mum has and look to re-mortgaging the house as that's a massive mortgage! Or maybe your mum should move house if she can't afford it. Surely you and DH wouldn't want the burden of your mother financially as well if she gives up work? She's very young being 50!!! Also she doesn't sound reliable and you are probably better off with a professional childcarer as I'm not sure your mum would respect boundaries like being around when she needs/should be, raising the child your way and not hers. Awful situation hope you sort it out!

Oh and i also totally agree with fiendarina. Brilliant post!!

I predict sadness in your future when she "suddenly" decides she won't be signing a £1.9m house over to you, or otherwise compensating you for your "investment".