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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want one bath a week?

110 replies

rainbowpie · 27/08/2017 08:41

DH is currently having a go because I've had a bath. I'll provide all details to see if anyone can work out why I am in the wrong because I am at a loss.

We have two small children. I co-sleep in a bed with the baby in his room due to frequent feeding. DD usually climbs in around 5am. DH has "our" room to himself. We are all happy with this arrangement as it is temporary. However, it makes it tricky to get up early to have a shower as I'd wake both of them so I usually have a shower at night. Fine.

Once a week, I'd really like a hot bath. I love baths. My back hurts from co-sleeping and I find it easier to shave my legs properly in the bath. I have said this to DH who thinks I should just climb in after the DC have finished their bath? Confused He didn't even have to look after the DC while I was in the bath! DS was on the (clean) floor playing with toys while DD sat on the loo chatting to me. DH was in bed!

There are no money issues so it can't be the cost of the bath. We can afford baths. AIBU to really not understand why I can't have one bath a week that really doesn't affect him in any way? He just keeps saying it isn't necessary and I should just have a quick shower or use the DC's bath water.

OP posts:
Whinesalot · 27/08/2017 10:26

I'd make it more of a thing. Tell him you need me time, that he needs to keep the kids out of the bathroom so you can have a long soak uninterrupted, and then take in wine and a book. Take your time.

He's got to realise this is more than just getting clean.

If he begrudges you some me time then you have bigger problems in your relationship than you think. This isn't about a bath, it's him getting to decide what is important and what isn't. He needs to respect your opinions and decisions.

JaneEyre70 · 27/08/2017 10:27

It's not the bath though that's the issue, is it OP - but the fact that you're having time to yourself, doing something you enjoy and he's not liking it.

HappyAxolotl · 27/08/2017 10:27

Never mind the bath situation - he's got you co-sleeping with two kids, presumably in a child's bed, which you said is making you ache, while he hogs the double?

Take back the power, OP! I'd suggest going to bed first tonight in your own big bed with the children. Then getting up for a long hot bath, shoving both children in his single room while you soak, then getting dressed up and buggering off out to enjoy your bank holiday while he does some fucking parenting.

No more doormat mummy!

Stickaforkinimdone · 27/08/2017 10:33

OP does he ever have sole charge of your children?

Please don't entertain these conversations with him; he sounds like yet another fucking manchild who doesn't want to take any responsibility for parenting

TipTopTipTopClop · 27/08/2017 10:33

Never mind the bath situation - he's got you co-sleeping with two kids, presumably in a child's bed, which you said is making you ache, while he hogs the double?

My thoughts exactly.

Just to be clear, my husband (like so many on MN, sadly) was pretty shite and let me do everything in those early years. Wish I had set the tone differently. That said, he would never suggest in a million years that I use my children's bathwater.

The context in which he suggests this is absolutely appalling and I'd be deeply troubled, OP.

QueSera · 27/08/2017 10:36

He objected to you having baths after your episiotomy??? What the fuck???
His attitude towards you is shocking. I couldnt live with someone who treated me like that.
Sorry if it seems like im blowing this out of proportion. But i just cant get my head around how he could be so mean and nasty to you. The bath issue sounds like the tip of a very horrible iceberg.
You deserve someone who will actually run baths for you and create time for you to relax alone and in peace. Good luck op.

LinoleumBlownapart · 27/08/2017 10:46

He sounds like he has bath issues. Did he grow up poor or with water shortages, could baths have been seen as a luxury or something? It sounds like there's no reasoning or logic but that baths seem to be the issue.
It also sounds like he badly needs to step up to the parenting plate.

Pollydonia · 27/08/2017 10:47

Fuck that shit. Is he under the impression that he is king of the castle and you are his serf?
I honestly couldn't live with a man who is that selfish. Why can't you & the DC have the double bed and him the single? And as for you getting in the bath after the DC Angry

expatinscotland · 27/08/2017 10:51

He's not just selfish, he's a controlling twat.

Velvian · 27/08/2017 10:51

Is he some sort of misguided eco warrier, op? He has got his priorities seriously wrong if he is. He does not deserve your goodwill over this issue alone (& I'm sure there are lots of others). Do not take his feelings/opinions in to account until he learns how to treat you with respect. Buy yourself a lovely bed to put in dc's room too.

thatdearoctopus · 27/08/2017 10:52

This is bloody ridiculous.

You say to him, slowly and in words of one syllable, "I am a grown up. I care for your kids 24/7. I want a bath ON. MY. OWN. Deal with it.

gamerchick · 27/08/2017 10:54

He could come from one of those weird families where one bath gets run and they all have their turn.

Or simply he gets away with a lot and is accustomed you being the default parent and in sure if it wasn't the bath it would be something else you do for yourself that takes extended time.

This is partly your fault as well as him being a selfish git. You've allowed this to go on by letting him get away with it.

Unless you have a double bed in the bairns room then it's time you got the big bed for starters.

The bath thing the words you need to use each time he whinges is 'the only thing weird about my bath times is I have a husband who doesn't take the kids so I can have it in peace' each time he says it.

Or you can take the bull by the horn and get the bugger told. HE has kids as well and it's time he took on his fair share.

LoyaltyAndLobster · 27/08/2017 10:56

OP you can have a bath whenever you want to, you are just choosing not to!!

TeachesOfPeaches · 27/08/2017 10:58

So strange you even feel the need to justify having a bath. Such a massive non-issue.

chowmeinchick · 27/08/2017 11:04

Running a bath would be using about the same amount of water as a 5 minute shower. It takes a bit longer over all, but I don't see the problem. Especially as he doesn't even have to look after HIS children. It's very strange that he doesn't like it.

rollonthesummer · 27/08/2017 11:14

This is one of the oddest threads I've read for a long time! I honestly don't understand his perspective at all?

Is he odd about you doing nice other things for yourself-hair cut/painting nails/clothes shopping/nights out with the girls?

Do you have friends/family round for dinner/drinks where you could say in front of him-'all I really want is to have a hot bath once a week on my own, but Bell End just hates it-does your DH hate it too?' . Then they will presumably react and he will have to respond to justify his opinion.

Otherwise-I'd go for couples counselling. There is something very odd going on here that needs to be unpicked.

vikingprincess81 · 27/08/2017 11:29

So he has a problem with you having a bath, not because you want to be clean (which is a totally valid reason to bathe rather than shower) or to get time away from the dcs (again, totally fine, and how it works in this house - if I go in the bath dh keeps the kids out and vice versa) but he objects even though you're using the bath to help with physical ailments - episiotomy and aching back? He's not great OP. He's a prick.
I lived in the bath/peed in the shower while running the shower hose over my stitches when I had an episiotomy - takes the sting out and keeps your stitches clean. Plus you were under medical advice to do so, and it was still an issue!
It does sound like he just expects you to be a glorified childminder. It's not normal behaviour to be so weird invested about a bath Confused

timeisnotaline · 27/08/2017 11:35

I'd send the kids in when he showers. Every single day. And have a bath every single night until he got the fucking point. You really really need to work on this default parent business as well, because that sounds like a crock of shit.

PennyTentiary · 27/08/2017 11:56

I could not bear to be with someone like this. He resents you having any me time. Which shows he doesn't respect you let alone sees you as an equal. He clearly thinks he's the most or only important person in the house.
Up to you if you think that's acceptable and want your kids to think it's ok. It isn't in my opinion and would end the relationship since he sounds worse than uselese anyway.

wolfmom · 27/08/2017 12:01

Is the temperature of the shower affected when you run water in the kitchen? If so have an urge to be domestic goddess or let older DC have fun playing in water every time he goes for a shower.

Shoxfordian · 27/08/2017 12:30

This is really odd behaviour from him

Carry on having your baths whenever you want

How is he selfish? This must be part of a pattern of behaviour?

AprilLady4 · 27/08/2017 15:38

There is something very odd going on here that needs to be unpicked.

This

user1499333856 · 27/08/2017 18:30

It's none of his business. Talk about over involvement.

ShitOrBust · 27/08/2017 18:52

He's not invested in his kids.
He doesn't want to be left alone to look after them.
He sees this as your job. That's why he has a puss on him.

INFP · 27/08/2017 18:55

Jesus OP. This is not normal behaviour

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