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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want one bath a week?

110 replies

rainbowpie · 27/08/2017 08:41

DH is currently having a go because I've had a bath. I'll provide all details to see if anyone can work out why I am in the wrong because I am at a loss.

We have two small children. I co-sleep in a bed with the baby in his room due to frequent feeding. DD usually climbs in around 5am. DH has "our" room to himself. We are all happy with this arrangement as it is temporary. However, it makes it tricky to get up early to have a shower as I'd wake both of them so I usually have a shower at night. Fine.

Once a week, I'd really like a hot bath. I love baths. My back hurts from co-sleeping and I find it easier to shave my legs properly in the bath. I have said this to DH who thinks I should just climb in after the DC have finished their bath? Confused He didn't even have to look after the DC while I was in the bath! DS was on the (clean) floor playing with toys while DD sat on the loo chatting to me. DH was in bed!

There are no money issues so it can't be the cost of the bath. We can afford baths. AIBU to really not understand why I can't have one bath a week that really doesn't affect him in any way? He just keeps saying it isn't necessary and I should just have a quick shower or use the DC's bath water.

OP posts:
WomblingThree · 27/08/2017 09:52

@livelyredjellybean why would he "offer to step up"? He's their fucking parent. You make it sound like the mother should be the default and her time without the children is dictated by him "offering to have them".

OP, why don't you just go in the bath. Why on earth does it need a discussion? Why do you even need to mention it? I can't imagine a situation where I would tell DH I was having a bath. Do you tell him when you are cleaning your teeth or having a cuppa or putting lipstick on?

Nellyphants · 27/08/2017 09:52

If you don't want to become his door mat rainbow you'll have to take your power back,

They're his children too, time to work out a schedule of when you get your free time. Maybe book into a hotel with a huge bath?

mirialis · 27/08/2017 09:53

On top of having as many baths as you bloody well like in your own home, don't even bother entertaining the discussion any more, I'd start scheduling the odd massage in here and there for your back that is hurting from the co-sleeping - depending on where you live (and therefore local prices) you could get a couple of nice massages for £80.

ILoveMillhousesDad · 27/08/2017 09:54

How bizarre. He actually begrudges you having a bath!!

C0untDucku1a · 27/08/2017 09:55

He sounds selfish.

WomblingThree · 27/08/2017 09:55

I also don't understand all the comments about "doing something nice for yourself". It's a frigging bath, not a week on a yacht in St Tropez. It's a basic hygiene function like shaving your pits (if that's your thing) or wiping your bum.

Do the people who think it should be the epitome of the OP's week really have such low standards for themselves?

kaitlinktm · 27/08/2017 09:55

Btw he's buggered off for a shower and a shave

Send the kids in to lend a hand - preferably getting one to take a dump in the loo at the same time - then when he complains say "Welcome to my life".

RB68 · 27/08/2017 09:57

Good grief. My OH sometimes makes comments like this so I turn it around and objectify it

ie

so in conversation with xyz if I drop in that you think its weird that I would like one hot bath a week that is cleanly run, in order to relax and ease my back or other aches, you dont think they would think that you were weird for complaining.

I think the issue is he sees a bath as functional only not pleasurable and has no understanding of the kids wee in the bath thing

MapleLeafRag · 27/08/2017 09:58

If your MIL came to visit would he expect her to only bathe in lukewarm, soapy peed in water too or is it just you?

You'll be having to curtsy to him and walk 6 paces behind him next.

TatianaLarina · 27/08/2017 09:58

Is there really nothing else he controls you like this on?

Honeybee79 · 27/08/2017 10:00

Yanbu. Ffs. Why can't you have a bath in peace and just a bit of time to yourself? Does he resent it?

Pengggwn · 27/08/2017 10:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlternativeTentacle · 27/08/2017 10:05

You bigger issues than the bath.

Original poster
rainbowpie · 27/08/2017 10:09

The bath issue has come up before actually. I had an episiotomy 4 years ago after DD and he moaned about me having a bath every day. The midwife ordered me to have a plain bath each day to keep the stitches clean.

He's honestly not controlling in other areas. He can be very selfish though.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 27/08/2017 10:10

WTAF?

I wouldn't agree with him, but I could sort of understand it if you were on a water meter & money was tight. But that's not the case. Maybe though, he still resents the (as he sees it) waste of money running a bath when a shower would do or going in after the kids. Ask him if that's the case. If it is I suggest you keep serving him the kids left over food & drinks.

If it's 'the time' you've 'wasted' ask him what he thinks you should have been doing on a Sunday morning while he was still in bed. That'll be an interesting answer...

Ask him WHY it's 'silly' and don't let it drop until he answers you properly.

Then go out for the day. Leave the kids with him. Make evening plans with friends. Tell him he's in charge of the kids, you're going in the bath - take a drink & a book and lock the door. Stop being Default Parent.

NurseButtercup · 27/08/2017 10:13

Bah ignore him...having a nice soak at the end of a 12.5 hr shift is one of the few things that keep me sane. I very often fall asleep in the bath. It's a shame he's not offering to take the kids so you can have a bath in peace - but he sounds like he's not very considerate of your need to have some alone time.

I'm annoyed on your behalf now!!

TipTopTipTopClop · 27/08/2017 10:13

This is terrible. Absolutely terrible.

Lweji · 27/08/2017 10:13

He's honestly not controlling in other areas. He can be very selfish though.

Hmm

So, not controlling in areas that don't affect him?

Lweji · 27/08/2017 10:15

Give him dirty dish water to shave.

WomblingThree · 27/08/2017 10:17

OP when was the last time he asked you to "look after the kids" so he could do something? Never I imagine. You've said yourself he's "buggered off for a shower". Did he check that you were watching the kids? Did he bollocks.

You need to do the same. Just go in the bloody bath and assume he's "looking after" his children. It's called parenting for god's sake, and in a two parent household there should not be a default parent!! Stop letting him be the boss of you and start taking some control of your own life

mirialis · 27/08/2017 10:18

Give him dirty dish water to shave

and wee in it

Mittens1969 · 27/08/2017 10:20

It seems to me that he is great as long as you run around after the DCs so that he doesn't have to. You need to stand up for yourself, the suggestion that you should have a bath in the DCs' bath water is beyond controlling. I can't imagine anything less appealing tbh, especially as it wouldn't be a chance to relax!

He goes out sometimes so you should too. He won't start 'stepping up' until you're not around to do it.

butterfly56 · 27/08/2017 10:22

This is just the beginning and there is every chance his behaviour will escalate because he is a control freak and not a nice person deep down.
Although on the surface he seems nice enough to you.

I cannot go into great detail for fear of outing...

I had a similar situation with my exH(my 2 children' father). I was not allowed to bathe the children or myself everyday if he was at home.
He earned a great deal of money and I was given just enough money(cash) to do the weekly shopping(receipt had to match the left over change)!

That was the only time I was allowed to use the car to go shopping. It was parked outside everyday as he walked less than 100yards to work.

I started bathing the children and myself everyday in the mornings when he was at work... The ignorant pig was none the wiser!!

Then it escalated into full on physical violence when I challenged him in any way and then I left within a few weeks and divorced him....we were married 4years. I left when my youngest was less than 1yr old.

I was very young when this happened but years later the things that happened in that marriage haunt me sometimes.

thatdearoctopus · 27/08/2017 10:23

Just have a quick shower so you can get back to your 24/7 job of looking after the children.

So this is a wider issue than "just" having a bath. I couldn't live like this. You're both parents, so you share the looking after them (when both at home).

Bunbunbunny · 27/08/2017 10:25

I'd go out & leave him with kids for the day, bath would be least of his worries then