To wonder why people bully?

[Picklesandpies]

I was bullied from the minute I started primary school (my first memory is being held up to wall by another four year old girl and her flicking my elasticated tie in my eyes) until I left after A Levels. The bullying varied from physical, emotional, to just plain cruel (urinating on my gloves). It really affected my attitude to school and my self confidence and it has taken decades for me to be able to speak about it without getting upset. I was always a nice, well brought up, caring and polite girl at school but it made my life a misery. I have seen the main culprit in recent years and she still looks at me with a sneer all these years later (I'm in my 30s!)

Her friend was asked a couple of years ago by a mutual friend of ours, why she bullied me and her answer was 'I don't know. She was just awful to her.' I was amazed that even her closest friend didn't understand the reason behind it.

AIBU to wonder why people bully others? I would love to understand the reasons behind it better. I'm guessing it's insecurity mainly.

Jealousy? Resentment? Seeing something about the other person they don't like? Then maybe they become an easy target after a while...
Bullies can't be happy people, can they? Anyone who gets any of gratification by making someone else feel miserable must be pretty sad or angry.

My theories, fwiw.

1. Children who lack social skills and don't really know how to behave appropriately. (This one isn't meant as a criticism to them, more pointing out that it can be solved with support and understanding)

1. People who have shit lives and this kind of treatment is the norm (also could prob do with some support)

1. (Most common one IME) Naice children brought up by elitist, materialistic parents who enjoy the power they have over others and can't bear people who don't conform to their ideals. These were the ones who bullied me, and I can see people now raising their DC to sneer and look down on anyone unfortunate enough to be poor/fat/ginger haired/clever/not clever/not having the right phone or clothes/etc.

I don't understand it really. I was never a threat to anyone, and kept myself to myself, yet they made a beeline for me and made life hell just for a laugh, or a power kick, or whatever. I did overhear a former bully talking about how she made life hell for another girl at school, and it was because she irritated her. Some people are empathyless twats. I'd like to believe karma gets them in the end, but I've never seen any evidence of this, sadly.

I'd like to believe karma gets them in the end, but I've never seen any evidence of this, sadly

Oh, I have. One of our school bullies ended up paralysed in a wheelchair as a teen, after getting in a car with a drunk driver

Oh, and my dsis secretly snickers about the fact that her bully now has a humungously fat arse...

I dunno but it winds me up seeing those that bullied me the most pretend they're staunchly against it, whilst continuing to make horrid remarks about people online

Karma got mine a couple of years ago somit can happen. This was a workplace though and not school. At school one wee wideo thought she was tough and put her foot in the back of my knee as I went upstairs which made me stumble. When she tried it a 2nd time I grabbed her leg and pulled, she was off school for two weeks as I caused her to fall down a full flight of steps. She loved to pick on people when surrounded by pals but if you got her alone she was actually terrified especially as I was bigger than her. I found tgenbtgat standing up for myself was a good thing.

Bloody hell!

The bullies/former bullies I know and dislike all seem to be very successful and still enjoy being in a position of relative power.

They enjoy the feeling it gives them, and its an addictive pleasure. Its a mix of power and spitefulness.
I wouldn't trust anyone that was the bully at school, or the kid that stood behind them either.

In the same way doing something nice for someone makes me feel good, a bully feels good when they are being nasty.

Some people get excited by confrontation, making people feel scared, making them feel bad.

It's fucked up.

They also lack empathy.

I've witnessed some disgusting bullying rights here on mn actually. Makes me sick

I don't know, because it makes them feel like big important people when they're really not. I get picked on a lot unfortunately. Luckily I have a lot of friends who stand up for me and I have learned just to ignore people and keep doing what I'm doing.

I've long wanted to split the world in 2.

Can all those that lack empathy piss off to one side, leaving the rest of us to live in a kind and caring world all on our own. Cheers

could it be competition for resources? bullies know they can't compete with some people so they bully them?

I mean, if you destroy someone's confidence, you've effectively put them out of the running for a lot of opportunities.

I do think it's learned behaviour.

Bullies make me sick..some just go along for the ride though I suppose as they are scared of the main bully or don't want to be the odd one out with friends etc.

Because they're evil wicked shits.
There's no excuse, whatsoever.

Op. Why was your bullying allowed to continue right through school. Where were your teachers while all this was going on.

Ignoring safe guarding issues is akin to abuse. That's not my opinion. That is a fact

I fucking detest bullies

I've come to the conclusion that the the incredibly confident and popular girl who chose to seek me out and spend her time making my life a misery in various sadistic way is because she was desperate for my attention or threatened enough to deflect it from herself. I don't know, maybe she was having a terrible time secretly, to be honest, awful as it sounds I hope that she was, as it would mean there is some karma in the world. I hope she raises her children not to be like she was.

Awwlookatmybabyspider

Some schools and teachers are shit at stopping bullying.

Unfortunately many of the situations are black and white for schools.

Schools (and teachers) are unable to take anything at face value.
Everything has to be investigated.
you have situations of one child says this the other says that,
one is backed by a group of friends the other isn't.
Some children/teens seem to have control over other children/teens.
There is singe bullying, paired bullying, group bullying, online bullying.
Even getting rid of a known bully takes months and months of evidence and even then some (most) times the bully remains.
Schools even know when they have identified bullying are unable to do anything to stop it as they have no real power.

And then there are the parents.

I would love to see a much stronger anti-bullying stance in schools but until it is recognised that the victims of bullies should be protected more than the rights of bullies it isn't going to happen.

I think all human interaction is based on dominance and submission. Even in normal friendships, there is normally one person who is more dominant and takes charge (even if in different areas).
Bullying behaviour is taking it a step further.

In fact I think a lot of bullies have very good social skills in that they can read social situations very well and often have very high self esteem and a really puffed up sense of their own importance.

Their whole behaviour requires them to ensure that the other person (bullied person) doesn't "grass them up" or destroy any of their carefully built empire. And they do this in lots of clever ways.

In short, it's about the joy of having power over someone. But the root cause is often revenge i would say.

@lastuseraccount123 you could have a point there. My bully always got picked second to me in a certain subject we both liked I was just a little better at it than her and it killed her so she made my life unbearable and even when I stopped competing because I couldn't take it anymore she still continued. She stood on a desk one time and kicked me full pelt in the jaw, she was terrifying and she had 3 friends that seemed to want to do her bidding. This was in primary school.

Her life was a mess last time I heard from one of her family members, I actually felt sad for her.

I just hope that I bring my kids up better that if they are being bullied they tell me.

I don't have an answer because, like you OP, I was bullied mercilessly throughout school. It's affected everything I've done in my life since. I have never been able to trust people, am wary of new situations or ones I feel are 'uncontrolled' (such as nightclubs), I suffer from extreme anxiery about meeting people especially peers, and going to new places. I never did get an explanation about why, it was just as though I had victim stamped on my forehead. I am 30 now so well past those days but I simply cannot forgive or forget.

Interesting reading some of the responses on here.

I can't wrap my head around the idea that some people wake up in the morning and plot out their day "first I'll belittle J, then ill steal K's supplies, then I'll embarrass M, then I'll physically push T".

What the fuck is the matter with people like that? I was never bullied at school but have been bullied often at work (by other women).

Does it make them feel big? How can they live with themselves? I'd feel bad doing one of those things, one time, nevermind as a constant pattern of behaviour!

I agree with gluteustothemaximus.

Some bullies are articulate, some as thick as shit, some strong, some weak, but hiding behind and motivating others, some may have issues but the reason bullying exists is because we as a society allow it to continue, to our shame.

I wonder why we as a so called civilized society allow bullying to continue.

There are ways to change bullying and I would hope almost irradiate it. It would take a cultural change that would put people (children) at the center of schools.

It would reward good and kind behaviour and punish and exclude those who bully. It would ensure that cc TV recorded playground activities until children can be trusted not to be little shits.

One day we may look back and realise that unacceptable bullying has been tolerated for way too long and that we as a society had the power to change it, as we have changed attitudes to drunk driving and so called 'domestic' violence.

If schools were willing to actually tackle this they would be forced to be more proactive and to change the school culture. IMHO.

I had a very similar experience to you at school op, and it sounds like our personalities were similar as children too. Similar long-lasting effects.

My bully (there were several but she was the main ring leader) used to be my friend. Her father was an Irish Catholic doctor who used to punish her with a stick. Despite knowing this, I still find it difficult to forgive her.

I bullied some other kids for a while during my first few years of secondary.

I have apologised.

I think I did it because I was so totally overwhelmed with fear. I was so afraid of being bullied myself that I simply became the thing I feared so everyone would be afraid of me.

I cry sometimes when I think of it.

I was quite neglected emotionally....my Mum never hugged or kissed me and though my Dad did, he was at work much of the time.

That probably comes into it. And my own siblings bullied me too.