To wonder why people bully?

[Picklesandpies]

I was bullied from the minute I started primary school (my first memory is being held up to wall by another four year old girl and her flicking my elasticated tie in my eyes) until I left after A Levels. The bullying varied from physical, emotional, to just plain cruel (urinating on my gloves). It really affected my attitude to school and my self confidence and it has taken decades for me to be able to speak about it without getting upset. I was always a nice, well brought up, caring and polite girl at school but it made my life a misery. I have seen the main culprit in recent years and she still looks at me with a sneer all these years later (I'm in my 30s!)

Her friend was asked a couple of years ago by a mutual friend of ours, why she bullied me and her answer was 'I don't know. She was just awful to her.' I was amazed that even her closest friend didn't understand the reason behind it.

AIBU to wonder why people bully others? I would love to understand the reasons behind it better. I'm guessing it's insecurity mainly.

Not exactly Italiangreyhound, but I feel I have now worked through it over a period of years, with an absolute angel who is my best friend, and some bits with my DH's support.

I'm glad Brain.

Sorry I've been rather absent from the thread - I've been out a lot and have only just got around to reading through all the replies. It's been really interesting (and also very sad) to read about people's different experiences. The one thing I can see though, both from past bullies' and from victims accounts, is that it usually has very little indeed to do with the victim themselves. It's a lot to do with self esteem of the bully and issues they face at home which no one else may ever be privy to.

It makes me think that the reason behind the bullying from the main person is probably a self esteem thing - she is one of those people who isn't actually very attractive and just about passes as such due to a lot of make up and time spent on her image. She never smiles with her teeth as she has a bit of an unusual smile when she does (mine is by no means perfect by the way!) So maybe it was a way to make herself feel powerful in some way. Someone I used to know asked her best friend why she had bullied me and she just said 'I don't know. She was just awful to her.' So maybe the reasons for some people are just too deep to ever be unearthed. Maybe some don't even know themselves why they are doing it?

After having dd1, I did briefly see a psychologist and he concluded that I have anxiety about things being spoilt when they are going well and that things are too good to be true. This probably does stem from years of bullying as I was never far from the next episode. Luckily I know have a wonderful husband and two lovely children and have to remind myself that things are highly likely to be fine! If time and money were no object I might speak to someone about it all - but I feel fine in general these days. It's only when something brings it to the forefront of my mind.

I really hope all the parents with children going through bullying get the right support and can move past it and onto happier times. I honestly think the best thing you can do is provide all the love and security they need at home and have open conversations. If school are rubbish and inconsistent, this will keep them afloat. Schools still have a long way to go in my opinion. They must open their eyes.

I haven't been able to contribute as much as I'd have liked on this thread but it's been so interesting. Thank you for all the replies. X

This thread is making me quite sad. We all go through horrible things, victims of bullies included, they just don't pass it on to someone else. But I see the word weak being used over and over to describe victims of bullying and it's so depressing, and frankly, given what we go through all day every day and still get out of bed, untrue.

I'm starting to think there are few real reasons to be a bully, but many excuses.

Probably because they enjoy hurting others
And they are bored or unhappy

I remember being nasty to a boy when I was eight. We had been roughhousing, I pushed him too hard, and he fell and got hurt. Rather than face the painful fact that my actions had hurt him, I called him a crybaby and insisted that it couldn't really have hurt. He cried harder and I continued to make fun of him. Because I felt guilty, I had to make it be his fault.

I don't know whether you can extrapolate from a one-off to persistent bullying, but I imagine it might be a similar story for some bullies. When once you've made someone cry, maybe you can either face the fact that you've done a horrible thing or else you can take the less painful way out by choosing to believe it was their fault and they deserved it? I imagine it might snowball, so that the longer it has gone on the less inclined you are to believe that you are tormenting someone innocent, because you don't want to believe that about yourself.

Italian grey hound.
I actually lost my shit a little about the guy who was stealing & I lost my job.
Boss was VERY insistent "there is not a problem with my work it's fantastic" just a problem with me then obviously.
I did try acas and was told as I hadn't been there 2 years there wasn't a lot I could do.
Place has closed down now which did give me a sense of smug satisfaction

It's power. Having power over others means they don't have to face how powerless they feel.

Blue "Place has closed down now which did give me a sense of smug satisfaction."

I bloody bet it does!

Since I started reading this thread I've been chatting to friends about anti bullying tactics.

So here is a thought. what can we do about this problem?

Here is my 2p worth. Come up with ideas and thoughts on how to tackle bullying based on things we think!

Ask friends, get ideas.

Run ideas past an anti bullying charity.

See if we can get any charity or forum like Mumsnet or Ofsted to pick up and support these ideas.

My friend is always writhing to Ofsted about this or that. She says she is going to write to suggest persistent bullies be taken out of exam stats. She thinks if schools are not obliged to put statistics/grades from kids who bully other kids in their overall records then there is less pressure on schools to keep those kids on class. So they could be given work to do and work in isolation. Giving them no access to other children to bully them. Yes they meet other kids outside school but then school could be a refuge not a he'll for those who are picked on.

What do people think?

If bullying behaviour requires presence of bully and target, the only sure fire way is to stop contact between the bully not their target.

Personally, I think schools should have an Ofsted rating for how they tackle bullying.

I've another friend who thinks bullying could be reported to Ofsted (maybe through Childlne, could be annomymosly, and Childline could get a government grant for it!).

I think the only reason people think Ofsted is because schools do seem to care about their Ofsted rating.

I was not really bullied as a child or adult. Just two instances of getting caught up in some bullies issues! But as a shy child o did find school a hostile and unwelcoming place.

I feel a lot of empathy for people who are bullying and wonder if rage and indignation could be turned into positive action!

Sorry, I mean I feel a lot of empathy for people who are bullied.

Typo!

I think people who bully do so because (for whatever reason) they like the feeling that they have made someone feel miserable.
It may be that they are unhappy themselves, but I do think that some people are basically just unpleasant and it makes them feel all kind of warm inside knowing they're causing misery to others.

I was bullied in secondary school, not bad but it was by the "more popular girls" in the year above ( I went to an all girl's school) they used to call me awful names about the way I looked ( I was really tall for my age, skinny, no boobs etc) very athletic, loved sports and music ( probably sound geeky, but wasn't a typical geek Iyswim) I just wasn't the girl that spoke to the boys through the fence, or wagged school, or smoked on the tennis courts yet I was singled out for that by them. I actually had a whole array of friends in my year at school so it wasn't too bad. Turns out, one of the girls that bullied me ended up pregnant at 16. I actually ended up working with her when I was 18 and she was as nice as pie to me, I could have shot her down, but I'm not like that, what good would it do? I was as nice as pie back, probably made her feel even worse.

I Fucking hate bullies and definitely believe in karma.

Years ago looking round an Essex Cathedral primary school, the Head informed me that "we find bullied children normally bring it on themselves". You may be surprised that we crossed that one of the list...

off

I wish I knew. I always tell DD it's envy. She's pretty, clever and has a very good relationship with me and her sister. I don't know the real reason.

Reasons her bully has offered are: She's allowed to dye her hair, she gets more pocket money than most kids (from her gran and Aunt and it's not really that much but DD is smart with money), she's allowed to go out everyday and doesn't have chores (this also is not true. She is allowed out everyday, she does have chores which she does before she leaves or once she comes home) She lives in a rented home.

mrwalkensir what a wanker that head is! Upthread I reported something similar and ditto school straight off list! Morons!

MotherOfBleach IMHO reasons for bullying are all in the mind of the bully not the target.

The target contributes nothing.

If they have a 'funny' walk or accent, a speech problem or learning difficulty, or a different colour skin etc - others will have those things and not be bullied.

The person who does the bullying is the reason, the soul reason IMHO.

A target might change some things, alter behaviour etc and these may work to eliviate the bullying or end it, and good on them for doing that if it works.

But ultimately it is only the bully and their self appointed feelings of entitlement to bully that enables it to happen, IMHO.

And IMHO it is only those in authority in the setting where bullying occurs - school/club/home etc, it is those authorities which allows it to continue.

I am just astounded by some of the comments about how head teachers have responded to bullying! They are in such a position of trust and responsibility. How can they say these things?!

Pickles

some heads deny that bullying exists, others (i suspect) are themselves bullys or were bullys.

the biggest problem is that bullies will only stop bullying when they feel like it.

Boney or when they are made to stop.

I haven't had a chance to read the full thread but will later.

I was bullied at work by a woman. A loud, obnoxious, scary, tough woman.

I don't agree that she was jealous of me. I had nothing to make her jealous. She saw me as different. Other different meant weak. That was reason enough.

She was dangerous in her ability to assess situations and people and know who to snivel up to, who to make fun of and who to bully.

It wasn't a power trip for her, she just disliked me immensely. She had the backing of a like minded individual and grew strength from that.

I meant to add that other people condoning it by standing by and watching it happen are almost as bad as the bully herself.