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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

It's a holiday one...

133 replies

HolidayHilda · 26/08/2017 07:34

Namechanged for this because I'm already mortified about how this might play out and don't want to risk being outed. Been here a while though and like to think if I was going to make something up it'd be more interesting.

Part AIBU part WWYD I guess.

Have two DS and am on a Whatsapp group with a load of mums from older son's school. Don't chat much (I work from home so tend to run in and out and am an antisocial bint who found school politics tough enough when I was going) but on waving terms with everyone, see each other at the kids' birthday parties, school events etc.

Bit of a chat on Whatsapp as people gear up to the start of term, polite chit chat about holidays, moaning about uniform cost etc. I happened to mention we hadn't been on holiday yet, but would be going over half term to a place abroad which was geared up to kids / / should still be pretty warm / was pretty reasonably priced. Woke up this morning to a separate message from one of the other mums from the group, whose DS is in my younger son's class saying 'I hope you don't mind me asking, but where you're going on holiday sounds exactly the kind of place we'd love to go. Is it cheeky to ask exactly where and when you're going and if you mind us booking for the same time? It'd be lovely for the boys to have some friends to play with.'

I read the message an hour ago stupid early rising children, DH is still asleep and the more I think about it the more aghast I'm getting but I can't work out if I'm being unreasonable (or, ok, a bitch actually) or if this is a really weird thing to ask. And I feel like the clock is ticking and the longer I take to reply the more I might end up offending or upsetting this woman.

The thing is, DH and I run our own business which impinges on a lot of our family time. This will be the first full week away we've had since our DC were born. While I'm sure this family is perfectly nice I've only ever really chatted with this woman at the school gate, seen her husband at a distance when he's been doing pick ups and we've never hosted or attended a play date with their DS. We don't go on holiday with our closest friends, so there's no way I'm comfortable doing so - and risking having a disappointing break which will be our only one this year - with people who I don't know. And yes, I know they're not sharing a room with us or anything but it's a small-ish resort, so could end up seeing them a lot around the place.

But then again, if I say no I'm basically saying 'the resort isn't big enough for the both of us'. We're in our own chalet and presumably they would be in theirs could they get one next door?! and we've already got some excursions booked. But I worry that by giving the details I'm giving them the expectation and a green light that we'd be up for going out for lunches, hanging around the pool en masse or doing stuff together when actually we just want to do it the four of us.

But I'm going to have to see this woman at the school gate for years to come. I don't want there to be any weirdness or awkwardness or for her to think I'm a cow. Also, I worry she's lonely and I don't want to be mean if she is genuinely just someone who wants a friend.

TL;DR Woman I barely know wants to bring her family on holiday to the same place at the same time we're going. AIBU to say 'no' (and how the fuck do I phrase it kindly?).

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 26/08/2017 10:30

The thing is, people who are comfortable asking this sort of thing are usually comfortable getting a fairly honest forthright answer. It's fairly baffling if you're of the other persuasion (horrified at the idea of asking this in the first place) but I don't think you need to worry about offending if you are honest but nice.

Don't mind you asking at all - it's a lovely idea but right now we are so desperate for some family time just DS, DH and I as we're always in different places - this summer's been manic - that we're looking forward this time to chilling rather than socialising. But DS would love to play with your boys - are you all free for a BBQ next [X date]? Be great to meet up.

42isthemeaning · 26/08/2017 12:21

I bet if you just told her where and when, it would all be just fine whether she comes to the same resort or not. I doubt she'd want to spend all of her own precious holiday with the OP and her family! Hmm

guiltybystander · 26/08/2017 12:34

Next time don't be so gobby about your plans to people you hardly know. Good luck with this one though. It's a toughie Smile

pictish · 26/08/2017 12:48

Yep OP, don't talk about your holiday plans like people do...it's just asking for someone you barely know to invite themselves along.

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 26/08/2017 14:30

I disagree 42. It's very easy to source any number of holidays that meet the criteria of OP without having to go to the same hotel as OP. So if OP had just sown the seed for the other mum to think about a sunny half term holiday, not too pricey, she'd have just found her own. She wants a joint holiday.

grandOlejukeofYork · 26/08/2017 14:37

Am I the only one who would just completely ignore the message and hope that she then realised that it was not something she should have asked?

Because I would!

SummerRoberts · 26/08/2017 14:48

I like what a PP said- why not say you're already going with family/friends?
Failing that, tell her vaguely where, e.g. "Oh it's a little resort in Spain, looks lovely, can't wait for some family time. Hope you can find something similar!" Just play dumb.

Cakeisbest · 26/08/2017 14:54

Just tell her the resort you are going to, but not the accommodation you are staying in. She hasn't asked to go on holiday with you, she is picking your brains for a great place to go with kids that is reasonably priced, as you have already done all the research and found somewhere. Chances are it will be fully booked anyway.

grandOlejukeofYork · 26/08/2017 15:00

She hasn't asked to go on holiday with you

she sort of is, she specifically said they wanted their children to play iwht OP's. That implies an expectation of spending time together on holiday.

HSMMaCM · 26/08/2017 15:05

As others have said you can be honest. It's in and it's the first chance we've had to go away just the 3 of us, so we're hoping not to bump into anyone we know.

Would you like to get together at sometime and we can have a coffee while the kids play.

42isthemeaning · 26/08/2017 15:05

In that case happy I wouldn't be replying to that message and avoiding her until after October! Grin

Branleuse · 26/08/2017 15:09

Oh god, id just leave the group and pretend id never seen the message

PuppyMonkey · 26/08/2017 15:12

I am a complete coward so would just ignore the message completely and do the "drop and run" technique for school runs right up until half term so you never get cornered by her Grin

Or could you lose your phone at all? Wink

SwedishEdith · 26/08/2017 15:17

Oh god, id just leave the group and pretend id never seen the message

Me too. It's like FB friend requests from colleagues. I just pretend I've not seen them.

Stressalot42 · 26/08/2017 15:20

Next time don't be so gobby about your plans to people you hardly know. Good luck with this one though. It's a toughie 

Wow.......rude!

Op I would say you've done joint holidays before and no offence to them but it was a disaster, so never again! Good luck x

FoodieToo · 26/08/2017 15:20

I would totally ignore. I doubt she will message you again . She should realise you don't want her to book the same place / week.

If she is mad enough to make contact again just tell her the truth. If she doesn't contact just wave cheerily next time you see her.

Seriously, who does things like that???

LesLavandes · 26/08/2017 15:23

Just tell her the truth. You need to have a quiet family holiday together. Etc. Do not tell her what resort. You have had good advice on here. Don't panic please. I am sure she will understand

Smitff · 26/08/2017 15:28

I would tell her where and when and then say you've been planning and looked forward to this trip for a long time as you don't get to go away together often, and therefore won't be around to be with them much (if at all). Therefore, want to manage their expectations, DS won't be around much at all. I'd leave the door open for something though: you never know, DS might want to have an afternoon with their DS.

FabulouslyGlamorousFerret · 26/08/2017 15:56

Hi school mum, that's a lovely idea but the DCs never spend anytime together now they're growing up so I'd rather older DC couldn't find an excuse to ignore young DC! We're going to Spain by the way, we've got friends there, our second choice was Lanzarote (insert link) I thought this was a brilliant bargain.
See you soon love Mrs Notonyournelly x

Leeds2 · 26/08/2017 16:03

Do you know if the place you are going to has any vacancies? Am guessing you are going at half term, so it might be busy.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 26/08/2017 16:36

I did try the ignore route, she came to my door. For shitsakes. Confused My holiday as I said upthread was fine they were a nice enough and it went well but rethinking it, op might not want to take the risk.

GreenTulips · 26/08/2017 17:44

Oh god, id just leave the group and pretend id never seen the message

The woman messaged her separately to the group - once you read it there are two blue ticks to show it's been read - so she can't do either of those things

Mittens1969 · 26/08/2017 19:00

I would find it a very bizarre request as you don't know each other particularly, as why would she think you'd want her family tagging along? I could understand it if her DS was your DS's best mate, but it doesn't sound like that's the case.

I get that it will be hard to know how to reply without offending this lady but she's made a bizarre suggestion and you need to answer no so you probably will offend her whatever you say.

I would suggest saying, 'Thank you for the suggestion, but holidays for us are family time and we do want to keep it that way. But we could invite ..... around for tea sometime, let's arrange something when school starts again.' That's assuming that your DS even likes her DS, otherwise her suggestion is even more strange.

Whinesalot · 26/08/2017 19:22

Op I would say you've done joint holidays before and no offence to them but it was a disaster, so never again! Good luck x

Perfect

ILoveMillhousesDad · 26/08/2017 19:41

You may not need to message her if you hang on until tomorrow.

I have a horrible feeling this is going to end up in the Daily Fail.