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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's a holiday one...

133 replies

HolidayHilda · 26/08/2017 07:34

Namechanged for this because I'm already mortified about how this might play out and don't want to risk being outed. Been here a while though and like to think if I was going to make something up it'd be more interesting.

Part AIBU part WWYD I guess.

Have two DS and am on a Whatsapp group with a load of mums from older son's school. Don't chat much (I work from home so tend to run in and out and am an antisocial bint who found school politics tough enough when I was going) but on waving terms with everyone, see each other at the kids' birthday parties, school events etc.

Bit of a chat on Whatsapp as people gear up to the start of term, polite chit chat about holidays, moaning about uniform cost etc. I happened to mention we hadn't been on holiday yet, but would be going over half term to a place abroad which was geared up to kids / / should still be pretty warm / was pretty reasonably priced. Woke up this morning to a separate message from one of the other mums from the group, whose DS is in my younger son's class saying 'I hope you don't mind me asking, but where you're going on holiday sounds exactly the kind of place we'd love to go. Is it cheeky to ask exactly where and when you're going and if you mind us booking for the same time? It'd be lovely for the boys to have some friends to play with.'

I read the message an hour ago stupid early rising children, DH is still asleep and the more I think about it the more aghast I'm getting but I can't work out if I'm being unreasonable (or, ok, a bitch actually) or if this is a really weird thing to ask. And I feel like the clock is ticking and the longer I take to reply the more I might end up offending or upsetting this woman.

The thing is, DH and I run our own business which impinges on a lot of our family time. This will be the first full week away we've had since our DC were born. While I'm sure this family is perfectly nice I've only ever really chatted with this woman at the school gate, seen her husband at a distance when he's been doing pick ups and we've never hosted or attended a play date with their DS. We don't go on holiday with our closest friends, so there's no way I'm comfortable doing so - and risking having a disappointing break which will be our only one this year - with people who I don't know. And yes, I know they're not sharing a room with us or anything but it's a small-ish resort, so could end up seeing them a lot around the place.

But then again, if I say no I'm basically saying 'the resort isn't big enough for the both of us'. We're in our own chalet and presumably they would be in theirs could they get one next door?! and we've already got some excursions booked. But I worry that by giving the details I'm giving them the expectation and a green light that we'd be up for going out for lunches, hanging around the pool en masse or doing stuff together when actually we just want to do it the four of us.

But I'm going to have to see this woman at the school gate for years to come. I don't want there to be any weirdness or awkwardness or for her to think I'm a cow. Also, I worry she's lonely and I don't want to be mean if she is genuinely just someone who wants a friend.

TL;DR Woman I barely know wants to bring her family on holiday to the same place at the same time we're going. AIBU to say 'no' (and how the fuck do I phrase it kindly?).

OP posts:
Zampa · 26/08/2017 08:01

As per Coastal's comment, can you just name the area/resort and say that you're staying with family/friends or in a private villa? Make up family/other commitments that mean you can't hang out? If you end up bumping into each other, style it out and say you fancied a day on your own?

You could also stall and say you're checking the details with DH and you'll supply the name of the place when you have it to hand. Then "forget" and keep forgetting?

Notso · 26/08/2017 08:03

II'd go with what NapQueen said. I also really want to know where you are going in holiday, please!

MrMessy · 26/08/2017 08:08

Is there any availability left for half term though? Can you do an online check with the same dates and see if anything comes up? If not perhaps you could do as others have said and say you are already going with friends/family, staying in a private villa a few hundred miles from the resort etc. It depends on how much you have already said on Whatsapp I suppose.

Mushroomburger17 · 26/08/2017 08:09

Yes you must be completely frank about the fact you would rather they didn't book the same holiday as some people only hear what they want to hear. Say the things mentioned above about getting away from it all and having family time, that you don't holiday with any friends. So be really blunt but then tag on the play date invitation to show it's not personal. I would not be into that at all!

acornsandnuts · 26/08/2017 08:12

Blame your DH. Say it's always been a rule that you holiday alone to catch up on family time and your DH has rebuffed friends in the past so it will be a no from him.

FairytaleOfSkegness · 26/08/2017 08:13

I would go with NapQueen's response. It's clear but not rdue

vikingprincess81 · 26/08/2017 08:14

Noooooo!!!!!! I don't understand sociable people at all. Why? Why? Why sociable people? Why do you want to do things with the miserable bastards who just want to be left the hell alone introverts? I don't mean that snarkily at all btw, I just can't imagine anyone at all thinking this is in any way a good idea!!
Obviously you can't stop her booking a holiday, but I'd send one of the messages upthread. Life is too short to be avoiding people in the same holiday park and then being annoyed when they do find you, or come to your door at 8am, and hang around you all day when you just want to read your book and ignore everyone
I do realise this makes us introvert types sound terrible, but we're not. I do social interaction and do it well, but need a lot of recharging time, and will always tend towards solitary pursuits if possible. It's not a slur to the sociable types, it's just self preservation.

frenchknitting · 26/08/2017 08:16

I'd be honest (ish). Say you've struggled to reply, as on one hand it would be nice to socialise on holiday. But that it's your first ever family holiday, and you have already planned the whole week. I'd maybe add something about being horrified about anyone i know seeing me sunbathing in a bikini (my first thought!), and not being able to relax - to make it about my insecurity rather than a rejection of her - but maybe less plausible for you than me.

BeyondThePage · 26/08/2017 08:18

Do the sugar coat method - bookend the "NO ARE YOU BATSHIT CRAZY" with nice words...

"How lovely our boys are friends", BUT "Sorry we don't do joint holidays", THOUGH "it would be nice to get the kids together after we get back - they can play whilst I catch up on laundry..."

(you come across as nice, thoughtful and assertive - and perfectly clear that you do not want to share where you will be.)

Garliccalamari · 26/08/2017 08:18

Can't you just tell her it's a resort in spain or wherever and ignore any further questions?

pilates · 26/08/2017 08:19

Honesty is the best policy, otherwise you are going to tie yourself up in knots with excuses. Just say you have discussed with DH and would really like a family holiday just the four of you because of the fact you spend little quality time as a family. Say please don't take personally and hope she isn't offended.

ConstantlyCooking · 26/08/2017 08:20

As you will be with this family for a while could you give details and add it something like "it would be lovely to meet up one evening for dinner". You could follow this up with a face-to-face conversation about not liking to socialise on holiday - messages can be misinterpreted so this would enforce the idea . This should manage expectations unless she is v pushy - if she is then whatever you say now she will ask again probably face to face.
Also she might want family time as well and not want to spend the time together.
The danger of lying is that you will have to keep up the lie until half term and afterwards when she (and others) ask about and your DS would have to know to lie in case asked. Also is it somewhere she can find easily (eg centerparcs, Mark Warner/well known brand) so you could bump into her there any way.

underneaththeash · 26/08/2017 08:22

Personally, I would just ignore it..it's really cheeky of her to ask you, unless she's very pushy, it's very unlikely that she'll pester for more info.

CheckpointCharlie2 · 26/08/2017 08:23

Quite like alternativetentacle's reply, plus blaming DH always works for us! (We blame each other!)

What a mare though!

Blondielongie · 26/08/2017 08:24

I'd message back and say you'll talk to her in person bout it. Maybe arrange to meet up before kids go back.

(She might realise you having nothing in common or the kids do not get on)

When you see her in person tell her the details but make it very clear you are going to do family stuff only. But yes it would be nice if paths crossed occasionally.

She probably only want to go same time as you so you can watch her kid one night so her and dh can have alone time and vice versa (even if that's not what you want, it might be her idea). She might not want to hang out at all.

Only1scoop · 26/08/2017 08:24

I'd pretend I hadn't seen it

Then I'd be extremely careful what I shared in future Wink

emilybrontescorset · 26/08/2017 08:24

Bloody hell op.
This would be my worst nightmare.
Sorry not very helpful.

Conniedescending · 26/08/2017 08:26

I'd just message back with the name of the area rather than the resort and be vague

LazyDailyMailJournos · 26/08/2017 08:26

Blimey, awkward!

I'd be honest with her and tell her but also explain your situation:

We're going to X resort. You're welcome to look at availability as it does look really nice! But I hope you don't mind if I say that if you do come to the same resort, we won't be looking to meet up/socialise. It's our first ever family holiday together and we've planned to spend time just the 4 of us. Hope you manage to get a holiday sorted and apologies if this sounds a bit anti-social!!

JigglyTuff · 26/08/2017 08:29

What the fuck is wrong with some people? I'd tell her that you desperately need time as a family so not sure that would really work.

What an awful position to put you in

AlternativeTentacle · 26/08/2017 08:29

If you message back she will think that it is ok and then just keep asking for the actual place. Just don't do it.

SendintheArdwolves · 26/08/2017 08:29

Don't lie/be vague/drop hints about needing family time/make up an imaginary group of people who you're already going with, etc. If you do that, you'll spend all of your holiday feeling anxious about bumping into the other family and it will spoil it.

She has already made it clear that she intends for you guys to spend time together - "it would be lovely for DS to have someone to play with"so I don't think she is thinking about a one-off afternoon at the beach. The cynical bit of me wonders if she's planning to use you as a bit of free child care.

"Thanks for your suggestion about joining us on our holiday - to be honest with you, we've been looking forward all year to spending family time with just the 3 of us - it's been a tough year and I want to unwind with just my DH and DS. Perhaps another year we could discuss going to the same place with you, but this time it doesn't work for us. It would be great to get the boys together - what about x date at x time?"

longestlurkerever · 26/08/2017 08:30

I think this is one of those ones where bright and breezy is best "Ah sorry, we're antisocial gits on holiday. Would you like to meet up on xxx date for a play?"

Roseformeplease · 26/08/2017 08:32

Tell her you don't have the details- DH has booked the country/ location as a surprise. This is to thank you for x and y and so you don't have to do the planning / thinking, just look forward to being with family.

NobodyKnowsMeAtAll · 26/08/2017 08:34

As PP above - be honest (but kindly). Also to add to the already very valid reasons why not to go together is that I really want my DC to have some time away from school and their school friends just to properly recharge.

We have had the exact same scenario twice. First was BIL & his family - they came "just for a couple of days" and stayed 10 days out of our fortnight holiday. Another time another family joined us for the first weekend and...yep...fuckingu stayed even longer than our fortnight (both camping so much more flexible than other types of holiday). BIL one was just about bearable. Friend one was awful - the advantage of having a playmate for DD was outweighed by everything else - we couldn't relax, they worked on different body clocks to us (up, dressed and waiting to go to the beach at 8am whereas we hadn't even had a morning pee), their DD was continually dumped on us. Urghh. No.. Just do not even want to resurrect the memories.

Anyway - just brave and say no. Seriously. The potential consequences of letting it happen far outweigh the potential slight awkwardness on the school run.