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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

It's a holiday one...

133 replies

HolidayHilda · 26/08/2017 07:34

Namechanged for this because I'm already mortified about how this might play out and don't want to risk being outed. Been here a while though and like to think if I was going to make something up it'd be more interesting.

Part AIBU part WWYD I guess.

Have two DS and am on a Whatsapp group with a load of mums from older son's school. Don't chat much (I work from home so tend to run in and out and am an antisocial bint who found school politics tough enough when I was going) but on waving terms with everyone, see each other at the kids' birthday parties, school events etc.

Bit of a chat on Whatsapp as people gear up to the start of term, polite chit chat about holidays, moaning about uniform cost etc. I happened to mention we hadn't been on holiday yet, but would be going over half term to a place abroad which was geared up to kids / / should still be pretty warm / was pretty reasonably priced. Woke up this morning to a separate message from one of the other mums from the group, whose DS is in my younger son's class saying 'I hope you don't mind me asking, but where you're going on holiday sounds exactly the kind of place we'd love to go. Is it cheeky to ask exactly where and when you're going and if you mind us booking for the same time? It'd be lovely for the boys to have some friends to play with.'

I read the message an hour ago stupid early rising children, DH is still asleep and the more I think about it the more aghast I'm getting but I can't work out if I'm being unreasonable (or, ok, a bitch actually) or if this is a really weird thing to ask. And I feel like the clock is ticking and the longer I take to reply the more I might end up offending or upsetting this woman.

The thing is, DH and I run our own business which impinges on a lot of our family time. This will be the first full week away we've had since our DC were born. While I'm sure this family is perfectly nice I've only ever really chatted with this woman at the school gate, seen her husband at a distance when he's been doing pick ups and we've never hosted or attended a play date with their DS. We don't go on holiday with our closest friends, so there's no way I'm comfortable doing so - and risking having a disappointing break which will be our only one this year - with people who I don't know. And yes, I know they're not sharing a room with us or anything but it's a small-ish resort, so could end up seeing them a lot around the place.

But then again, if I say no I'm basically saying 'the resort isn't big enough for the both of us'. We're in our own chalet and presumably they would be in theirs could they get one next door?! and we've already got some excursions booked. But I worry that by giving the details I'm giving them the expectation and a green light that we'd be up for going out for lunches, hanging around the pool en masse or doing stuff together when actually we just want to do it the four of us.

But I'm going to have to see this woman at the school gate for years to come. I don't want there to be any weirdness or awkwardness or for her to think I'm a cow. Also, I worry she's lonely and I don't want to be mean if she is genuinely just someone who wants a friend.

TL;DR Woman I barely know wants to bring her family on holiday to the same place at the same time we're going. AIBU to say 'no' (and how the fuck do I phrase it kindly?).

OP posts:
babybigapple · 26/08/2017 08:38

If you say 'no' in one form or another depending on how polite you are, if it gets back to the other school mums I fail to see how anyone would thing you're in the wrong if that's something you are concerned about.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 26/08/2017 08:38

Just say little Johnny loves to play with little Jimmy - must get our diaries together but holidays are family time. No justification, no apologies and no details of where you are staying.

EnglishGirlApproximately · 26/08/2017 08:42

Oh god this is my worst nightmare! I wouldn't tell her no on a WhatsApp group though, she'd be embarrassed and it could be really awkward for you both. I'd probably say where I was going but also point out that you've got lots of things already planned so while it would be lovely for the boys to get together for say, a few hours at a water park, you won't really have much time to socialise. Do try to keep it off WhatsApp though, the last thing you want is the rest of the group forming opinions 😬

Coconutty · 26/08/2017 08:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

Pengggwn · 26/08/2017 08:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

donajimena · 26/08/2017 08:49

Its a tough one because I a) would never inflict my tribe on anyone and b) I can do my own research as to where is nice in October, but if I wasn't savvy enough to figure out b for myself and someone refused to tell me where they are going I'd think they were a knob however this mother has specifically mentioned hanging out so maybe I'd just say you are going to say, Alcudia but its a sightseeing holiday so you won't be in resort much? I doubt she would push after that.

HotelEuphoria · 26/08/2017 08:50

"Sorry for the late reply, we are actually going with old friends and it was only fair I ran it by them first. Unfortunately they aren't comfortable with sharing their holiday with strangers, I hope you understand xx"

Don't say where you are going.

Lokisglowstickofdestiny · 26/08/2017 08:54

I'd just tell her that you've already got a lot of trips booked so won't be at the resort that much anyway.

Pengggwn · 26/08/2017 08:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

itssunnybehindtheclouds · 26/08/2017 08:56

I would feel exactly the same in your shoes. I think Pengggwyns message is great:

I would message her privately and say: "That is a really lovely idea and I know DS would appreciate having [insert name of gegging in child here]. But we haven't had a family holiday in such a long time and we're really looking forward to spending some quality time together. Maybe another time we could look at doing something like this. Xx

Pouncival · 26/08/2017 08:56

I never understand why people suggest making things up - you only end up digging yourself in deeper

I thought Pengggwn's reply was a good one, truthful but not hurtful

pilates · 26/08/2017 08:59

I think the lying is more rude tbh. I would rather people are honest with me than make up a pack of lies.

pictish · 26/08/2017 09:01

Yes...just be honest.

"Hi x - that's a good suggestion but on this occasion we're just looking forward to quality time with the boys because we haven't had a family holiday in a long time.
Perhaps we could talk about arranging something else in the future...even a group venture? Otherwise let's arrange a get together with the boys at home soon too.

Nice to hear from you

Hilda

Notreallyarsed · 26/08/2017 09:03

Pengggwyns reply is perfect, it's clear but not rude or nasty. Tbh I'd feel pretty backed into a corner if someone did this too. We get very little time together as a family due to DPs job, so the time we do get is sacred.

SendintheArdwolves · 26/08/2017 09:03

"That doesn't work for us" is possibly one of the rudest things I've ever heard

Gosh, really? You have clearly never heard my dear old nan after a few drinks Grin

pictish · 26/08/2017 09:04

Oh making up lies is just stupid. You are allowed to not want to go on holiday with someone else. You only have to say so. Making shit up...ugh. So childish.

Pengggwn · 26/08/2017 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TractorTedTed · 26/08/2017 09:05

MN makes me laugh with the things people think are polite!

Totally agree, Peng

Just like the whole "no is a complete sentence."

Well in the real world it's pretty damn rude as well!

Ameliablue · 26/08/2017 09:06

Her passing suggests she understand you might be uncomfortable with hanging out so I would tell her but also add something along the lines of "we like to keep ourselves to ourselves on holiday but the boys could maybe meet at the pool one day."

cashmerecardigans · 26/08/2017 09:06

I honestly don't think there's any point pretending you are staying with friends. It'll be horribly embarrassing if she turns up and you get caught out.
I'd be upfront and honest about the fact it feels awkward. Maybe say you appreciate the thought and understand how hard it is to find the right holiday resort. However you find her request a bit difficult to deal with as you don't want to offend her but family times are really special for you and you want to spend your time off together just as a family. If they do end up in the same place, you'd be happy to meet for an avpccaional drink at some point in the week, but you don't what her to book and expect that you would be spending time together during the week.if she does end up there, you can use your text as a reference point, so if she asks to meet, you can smile apologetically and say, well I did say that we wouldn't be able to meet up during the week etc.
One other point is what your DS thinks as if he wants to spend time with their DS it might be trickier to manage.
Text might be easier as you can think about the wording, but to her not the group. This way you can get the message across and then discuss later if needed once you've got your main point across.
Miles better to call it as it is than get into hideously complicated avoidance tactics!

Tralalalalz · 26/08/2017 09:07

It doesn't sound to me that she wants to join in your holiday, more that she thinks it sounds like a good place and if you bump into each other it would be nice for the kids to play, not that you need to be glued to one another.

I would give her the details and not have any conversation about needing family time, just say that it would be lovely if the kids bump into each other when you're there. That way the kids can play and you can have a polite glass of wine with them but you aren't tied to anything.

Please don't send some of the replies offered here, they're so rude and I don't think she was, she sounds friendly and probably doesn't want to spend a whole holiday with you just as you don't with her but thought she would mention the kids playing so she sounded less like a stalker

HolidayHilda · 26/08/2017 09:08

Thanks for the replies everyone, it's actually a bit of a relief that I seem to have stumbled across an almost unanimous NBU!

DH is now up and we have had a chat about it - after he spent the first ten minutes squeaking 'WHY would someone do this? WHY?'

Still dithering about the exact wording, but I think we're going to have to go with some kind of 'because we don't get much time together family time is sacred, sorry' reply with an invite for the family to come round for a barbecue in the meantime. Not going to lie (cause I suck at it) and be vague about the area.

Funnily enough those of you saying blame DH, I suggested I did that to him (I was going to go with 'he suffers with anxiety with new people') and he was most affronted! :D

OP posts:
user1483390742 · 26/08/2017 09:08

Why not lie and say that you are holidaying there with friends/family you haven't seen for ages?!

pictish · 26/08/2017 09:09

No is a complete sentence.

GlitteryFluff · 26/08/2017 09:09

I like this response. ⬇️

Hi x - that's a good suggestion but on this occasion we're just looking forward to quality time with the boys because we haven't had a family holiday in a long time.
Perhaps we could talk about arranging something else in the future...even a group venture? Otherwise let's arrange a get together with the boys at home soon too.

Nice to hear from you

Hilda

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