I am a quintessential fuck up

[LEMtheoriginal]

My life is just one big fuck up - the trouble is It affects the people that I care about and I fuck then up to. I am not a nice person and although I know I don't deserve to be happy I still feel entitled to it -selfis

I was such a shit parent to my dd1 that now she suffers with depression won't leave her flat and stays up all night on computer games. She doesn't respond to any of my messages or phonecLls. I basically was so self absorbed with my own life that I palmed her off on my parents and she spent more time with them than us. She CHOSE to be there because I was so shit as a parent.

I thought I was off seeking a career - it never happened although I have a string of qualifications that I've never used .

Now history repeats itself - I work stupid hours for pathetic wage. I have to retrain to continue with said hours and wage as a consequence I am abandoning dd2 (massive age gap)in much the same way.

Dd2 and dh often call me grumpy mummy. It's true because sometimes maintaining the facade of even the basic level of happiness is just too hard.

I spend my life in fear of death and illness but honestly it would be a relief in some ways. The only reason I'm still alive is dd2 tbh.

I can't even help my eldest as she pushes me away. If I even suggest getting her help she just closes Down. If I visit she won't talk to me and now she says she doesn't know when I can come again as I keep talking about "it" and it upsets her. Dp says I need to give her space but it's breaking my heart. It's worse because I made her like it and I'll probably fuck dd2 up in the same way. She is already anxious. So instead of getting my dd help I just wait for something to happen. Her dp seems to think she'll "get bored" and get a job etc but it's been a year. Yet I do nothing because I'm pathetic.

Me me me me me - cunt

Morning.

Firstly you sound like you need help. Have you considered you could have depression?

Dd1 was supported by your parents which is good. Could you try spending time with her without trying to fix her?

Dd2 has your partner and if you can see the pattern repeating is there anything you can do to change it?

You sound so down and miserable. Have you been to the doc lately to talk about how you're feeling? I can diagnose you online obviously, but the part about 'only being alive because of dd' stuck out to me - exactly how I felt in the depths of PND.
You're allowed to be happy, and to not want to feel like this. I honestly think seeing a GP would be a good first step for you.
Sorry you're feeling so crappy, it's not easy

can't diagnose, that should say

Was on Ad's for 10 years following dd2 and PND which dp now convinced looking back it was psychosis. I don't know - I can't remember.

I don't want to go back - I was numb and it allowed me to meander through life without making progress. Now at least I'm losing some of the four stone of fat that I put on when not taking them. I have some control over that at least but I should run but I can't because it's too positive. It makes me happy but I can't allow that when my dd is suffering

I think you need to be happy to support your daughter. You could try different ad's and counselling. Both of which could help improve your relationship. Being miserable because you feel you should because your daughter is really isn't helping anyone...

You are being incredibly hard on yourself.

So your dd spent lots of time with her her grandparents so you could go to university or whatever it was you did? So did countless other children. Or in childcare. At least you were doing something. It's good that your dc get to see you as a valuable member of society. I don't think it's your fault your dd is choosing to,live her life in the way that she is.

And your dd2 is being looked after by her dad while you work? Also fine.

Is there any way of using those hard earned qualifications? There ai nothing wrong with having others look after your dc while you work/train. If your dd1 is now an adult her life is now of her choosing.

I'm going to be a tiny bit harsh here but it's meant with love LEM, I've watched and values your Posts over the years.

I should run - it makes me happy but I can't allow that when dd is suffering?

No no no. You OWE it to your dd to go run. To put yourself in a good place to let her see it can be done; that you can find ways out of the black hole. To lift what sounds like a huge fog of misery surrounding the whole thing and no doubt your dd2 seeing that; to put yourself in the next place you can by being as healthy as you can to support both your dd.

And because as a person you do deserve to be happy. You do.

(Oh and a minor thing but your do calling you grumpy mummy isn't funny. )

So put your trainers on and get out there then tell us how you feel when you get back

Actually often children looked after by grandparents do particularly well not worse. The maturity and stability of the grandparents and the extra time they have is a bonus for the child so don't assume that decision was wrong. She might be heaps better than she would have been with you! Is the older one at university stage yet?

For the younger one just try to be nicer then, smile more, praise them (I always suggest 5 bits of praise for every criticism with children) and keep on keeping on as most of us just have to do... writing as someone up before 7 to work today....

Can you spend some time with dd1 without trying to help her?
I know the urge must be incredibly strong but she doesn't want that right now. Just be with her.
Do something with her that she might enjoy - go out for tea, go for a walk or a swim, shopping, watch a film, whatever she likes.
Accepting her right now for who she is without showing her she needs to change, will be more beneficial for your relationship.

And you have every right to your own happiness. Go for a run. Do things that make you positive. That positivity will have a ripple affect to others around you.

I feel desperate for my dd1 but I can't help her. I don't know how? I feel I should make her go to the Dr but I am too weak. Scared of confrontation. I've offered to go with her but she won't go.

Her dp seems to think she's ok

Whenever visit dd1 it's awkward at best - she talks to me like shit on her shoe. She won't leave her flat to go anywhere and suggestions are met with derision or tears.i have just cleaned for them and she sleeps because she has been gaming all night. She hates me I think

How old is she? I think you have to prioritise dd2 now. You have offered dd1 support and to be there when she needs you. Is her dp supportive, in a positive way?

She is 27

So sorry you're feeling so low LEM

Yes to the running. It's a bit corny but that whole "put your own oxygen mask on first" thing is true.

I didn't subscribe to any of that when I had DD on my own 16 years ago. I worked like a demon for years and didn't do anything for myself except drink wine in the evenings to try to bring my stress down so I could sleep. I was running around like a mad thing working 60 hour weeks and barely holding it together. Obviously DD suffered in terms of time with me, but I had this huge weight on my shoulders because I had to do it all (single parent).

Now I have two other DC (and DH). My first instinct is always to push myself and do more than I comfortably can, but I am slowly learning that in order to be a reasonable parent and partner I have to do things for myself. Running is one of those things and I am better in every way for it, and that benefits DD and the DSs.

Please let yourself run. It isn't selfish. You have to strengthen yourself in order to be strong for your DDs. Hope you feel better very soon

Oh lem.
You are always so kind to others.
Why such vitriol towards yourself?
I had pnd after ds1. Does that make me a bad person? Should I blame myself?
Were your parents abusive to your dd? Did she suffer at their hands?
Perhaps she is just an anxious person. Perhaps if you'd spent every waking moment with her she would still be as she is today?
She needs help, yes. But I'm afraid that can only come from her. Just make her aware you are there, and will help whenever she is ready.
That's the crux. When she is ready.
It's so hard watching our kids suffer, we just want to make things ok.
But sadly life isn't like that.
And as for you not deserving to be happy...come on lem...what would say to any other poster who trotted that crap out!?
Go for a run.

Perhaps she doesn't want to be nagged about the way she is living because she knows she is making poor decisions and you are right.

I ended up living abroad (long story) and I was so unhappy and I wanted to come home but we didn't because the kids were happy and I felt like they needed to come first. My mother sat me down and asked me how happy my dc were going to be with an unhappy mother who didn't live her own life and put herself at the bottom of the heap. She was right.

oh LEM you poor thing.

You completely do deserve to be happy, you've had a shit time. Loads of parents have to work long hours and use grandparents (I lived with my grandparents for ages when I was little) , you havent fucked your dd up. She's 27 and is living her own life and making her own decisions.

Again, like RJ says, being a little bit harsh but from a kind place, leave her alone and focus on yourself. If she's blanking you and you keep going to her, she'll get annoyed and you'll feel more shit. Back away and leave her to it. The more you push her the more power she has to reject you and make you feel worse.

There is no way you should be unhappy and you dont deserve to be. I also think you should put your trainers on pronto.
Sending you unmumsnetty love ❤️ Again, seeing you here over the last decade or so makes me feel sad that you are sad xx

Those voices inside our heads can be so critical can't they. But that's not how others see you

i agree with everyone who said go for a run. Can you set a goal that every day for the next 30 days you will do something nice, just for you?? We all need that in order to be the best person that we can be. Beating ourselves up rarely leads to positive change

Wishing you well

Did you not start a very similar thread a few weeks ago?

Apologies if you're not the same poster, but I do remember that thread suggesting you give your older daughter some space and to stop using your second daughter as an emotional counsellor. Is your older daughter still with her partner?

Again, apologies if I mixed you up with someone else. If you feel you're depressed, a trip to the GP is probably best.

Oh LEM sending you an unmumsnetty hug, please take care of yourself ( I have clinical depression, on meds and huge guilt). Please remember the way you feel isn't necessarily a fact- I mean the "I feel shit so I must be shit" but " I feel shit cos I'm hard on myself/ really overthink things/ going through a very bad patch) lt really helps me when I am tearful or low. Apologies if it seems simplistic. 💐

LEM your daughter is 27. Of course you are beside yourself with worry about her but she is an adult. She gets to make the choices about how she lives her life, however bad they may be. Your dp is right, you need (for your own well being) to step back a bit and concentrate on yourself as this is making you ill. Go and see the gp, get support and help for your depression, go on that run! Look after yourself - that is the best example you can set for your DC - don't be so hard on yourself. You deserve better

And fwiw, the son of a colleague spends all his time gaming too. She was a sahm, spent every hour of every day with him. It didn't make any difference.

I was a single parent to dd, her birth father left when I was 5 months pregnant and I have never seen him again. I did not have a loving childhood, and one of the things that I used to vow to myself was that my children would never feel like I did.
But life is not that simple LEM. It is not neat or fair. Dd is now 15, and after outside intervention, I understand the dynamic between us, it is like being able to breathe after holding my breath for 15 years.
You are not responsible for anyone's happiness apart from your own, this is tricky, as it is so much easier to give to others rather than oneself, but the moment you start valuing and loving yourself, pretty much EVERYTHING in your life falls into place, it is magic, it really is.
I would guess that you did or do not have supportive parents, and that's where ii is, LEM, right there. It is painful, but you have to go inside yourself, and I would suggest a good counsellor to help with this.
You are not a fuck up. Every day you get up and try and do the right thing, you try your best, and you tried your best in the past. Imho, the problem is how you feel about yourself.

Lordy- 27!
I remember when she was doing her a levels....
Maybe, just maybe, the depression thing is genetic disposition, and it's no surprise there that your DD would be prone to it?
She's very able, and hopefully will get it together soon.