I am a quintessential fuck up

[LEMtheoriginal]

My life is just one big fuck up - the trouble is It affects the people that I care about and I fuck then up to. I am not a nice person and although I know I don't deserve to be happy I still feel entitled to it -selfis

Personally I think you have fucked up, you know you are doing wrong but continue to do so......but guess what, most of us do the same! You can't change the past but you can focus on trying to change the present. Have you tried any talking therapies? In respect to your oldest have you ever taken responsibility for what happened in her childhood? Being accountable and not making excuses is massively important and can help the injured party (your daughter) feel validated. Having said that, she is now an adult and equally responsible for her own life and the choices she makes......just like everybody else. I'd write her a very honest letter, about how you feel about what choices you made, that you regret them and wish things could have been different but that you are here for her now and always will be.......then back off! If you are not happy now with dd2 then you need to do something about it.......family counselling perhaps. Be honest about what You want too, your needs do matter. The past is gone, you need to make peace with that but the future is unwritten, as corny as it sounds it's up to you what you do with it. Small proactive steps is the way forward and there is help out there.

I've told her all that and she gets angry and says it's nothing to do with that. That she was happy she had really difficult time when she was a teenager as my dad died. I don't think either of us dealt with that well.

LauraLou. You think LEM fucked up? How exactly? She was young when she had her DD1 & her parents played a big part in raising their grandchild. And? It happens in thousands of families up and down the country.

I didn't realise you were a woolly hugger also. Yeah. I'm a very very very rubbish one compared to you though! We've posted on the threads together quite a bit. Your posts are usually great ones about what you've achieved, mine are more just encouraging others & slight updates about my very slow progress. 😖😁

I have sent quite a few squares off and now in the middle of making a blanket for dd2

I haven't done any since the C2017 blankets were finished. Sadly, not even for personal blankets I really wanted to contribute to. I'm a perfectionist & struggle a bit with pressure. I also have 60 billion things that need doing & I'm too tired to do as many things as I'd like to.

I struggle because I feel guilty it's not for dd1 but hoping to make one for her - although this one has taken about 4 months and only half way

DD2 needs one too x. Do you think DD1 would actually appreciate one or just feel irritated or overwhelmed by it? When I need space from the world my Mum, I feel overwhelmed & irritated by things she does, it's not nice & it's not fair, but it's how I feel.

No running today . Why not?

but will go and treat myself to some new clothes. Lovely.

The upside to no meds us weight falling off me and I need new clothes. I wish I had some meds I could stop taking, that would mean the weight would drop off me 😂

Dd1 crochet and I've tried to involve her with wooly hugs but she isn't in the right place. Maybe next year when you're both hopefully in a better place you could make on together? Choose the colours together and both make squares - one could join them & one could do the edging? Working together but not, to achieve a joint goal?

This all started when she had a job that involved different shifts - resulting in insomnia. She got into such a rut and ended up quitting her job. Now she plays online role play games with people from america and those time zones. She often insists she is fine but the state of her flat (but then our house has always been messy) and the fact she never leaves suggests otherwise. She is now really overweight because she never goes out and it's beco.e a vicious circle. She is actually stunningly beautiful and used to dress in 50s retro. She would turn heads.

Is this just a phase? It's been a year. She is addicted to that fucking game.

Maybe it's just what she chooses?

Ah
Perhaps some bereavement counselling would be in order for dd?
Contact cruse.co.uk
Iirc they have online resources too

Some people do choose to live like that lem, yes.
Not sure there's much you can do if that's the case

• we got ds2 bereavement counselling after my dad died...it was hugely helpful

My Dad died around the same time. I'm still not dealing with it very well. She was a teenager & it's very possible that the way she is now is down to her not coping with your Dad's (essentially her Dad too) death.

If she says it's not about 'that' and gets annoyed, then listen. Because what you did was a very normal thing to do & she was happy there. Of course there were times when she kicked off - all kids do. My parents were perfectly great, but I used to want to live with my Nana, which annoyed my Mum...families! 😖😊

Maybe you need to talk to someone who can help you process/cope with your Dad's death. I've been thinking about it.

I can't understand why her dp thinks this is acceptable. Why doesn't he make her go out? Then he goes to work and comes home and goes on the computer. But he goes to work!!

I think it's more the fact that you have these feelings that you are responsible for 'fucking her up', if she was happy then where does this come from? Also what exactly are the issues with dd2? If dd1 has said she was happy growing up i don't understand why you feel so responsible? Like I said your dd1 is an adult and you cannot force her to change, it has to come from her but dd2 is a work in progress. You day you are 'grumpy mummy'.....is that due to work, relationship, life in general??

Working shifts can massive screw some people up. Then the resulting insomnia is a complete bitch 😖 Then you find gaming friends online, they meet your needs, it's fun but you can ignore/walk away when you can't be bothered. They're there 24/7. They're undemanding. ... you're too tired to bother doing the dishes, or hoovering, then it's a huge mess and doesn't matter if you leave stuff lying around...meh...tomorrow...meh...

It's not a choice to live like that. It's a series of very small bad choices that lands you up there, then it's far too much effort to clean it all up & it feels 'ok' because actually you're too tired to care. You're defensive because, well, you know it's a shit tip, but you haven't the energy to deal with it, so it's easier to say 'it's fine, I like it like this'

Before you can help her, you need to get well yourself. She'll be fine wallowing in her flat, with her DP, for now.

He thinks it's fine because it means he doesn't have to do much when he gets home, he can play too without feeling guilty and/or while she's at home she's not going to leave him.

Whatever their reasons, they'll be ok for now. He's fine with her not earning, they're both fine with the flat as it is. They're not doing anyone any harm. Don't get me wrong,it's far from ideal, but as I said, you need to get well yourself then you can help her. Get well, get fit, get healthy, get happy...SHOW her it's achieveable, THEN help her achieve it.

No advice LEM just wanted to give you a ((hug)) from one Woolly Hugger to another. I suspect I'd need multiple pairs of hands to feel calm about my WIPs - I've got 6 things that need completing by early October. Luckily I'm convalescing after minor surgery so I've got an excuse to sit in my fat bottom and crochet.

Take care of yourself.

OP, you are not a bad mum, if you were you wouldn't care. There are lots of studies correlating gaming addiction and the release of dopamine. Your dd certainly isn't alone, it's becoming more widespread. Don't be too hard on yourself, any kind of addiction in the family is exceptionally hard to deal with
There are support groups you can access online so you don't feel so alone with it all ((hugs))

OP, have you considered that you may have a personality disorder? They largely go undiagnosed and are quite prevalent. I'm homing in on this by some of your comments, being self absorbed, constantly worrying about your health and death, repeating patterns of behaviour. It's worth talking to your doctor who will be able to refer to mental health services. It also may explain why you have had these issues for so many years and why the anti depressants didn't help you as they rarely do in the case of personality disorder. As you say your youngest is now starting to show symptoms of anxiety it is so important that you reach out for support, for all of you.

OP, it sounds like you have undiagnosed borderline personality disorder and your daughter now has it too. It would be useful for you to do some reading about it and get some therapy so that your other DD doesn't develop the same.

Err...what's with people diagnosing the OP with a personality disorder over the internet?

In what way is that helpful?

I didnt diagnose, I mentioned it as a potential possibility and referred back to her Dr. When issues have a pervasive time scan then it's worthwhile to explore the possibility of PD.

Sorry, cross-posted there. It is helpful to suggest it because people can lack insight and without knowing the cause, nothing will change. The OP sounds very bpd in her writing, obviously this may be different in real life, which is why it's important to speak to a proper professional.

Woooaaah there - personality disorder? Steady on. It would take a trained professional months of analysis before they could diagnose that. I'm not even going there but I know you mean well so thanks anyway.

Chipping - everything you said in your last post resonates. I agree with it all. I do think my dd is struggling but I totally hear what you are saying because I react exactly the same to my own mother. I love her dearly but my God she would be the last person I'd want "help I g" me. I find her overwhelming and I can see that maybe my dd feels the same about me. I do hope that this pattern of behaviour stops and I think her dp feels the same. I spoke to him and he seems to think she'll get bored. She usually throws herself into things. Art. Music . Crochet - they become sole focus. She gives 100% then moves on. Hoping this is what happens to the gaming. Anyone fancy hacking the internet and shutting it down?

My relatio ship with dd has always been volatile - we are too similar. Whenever there has been a crisis she has called me. So that's something. I think I have to give her space. We did socialise together when she was about 15 - I was doing post grad and she would come out with me and my friends so we did relate.

Maybe one day we can form a relationship

'Personality disorder' is a very loaded term, and carries a lot of stigma. Many MH professionals disagree with its use. Many people 'diagnosed' with one don't find it useful, and it can actually make it more difficult to get help- especially borderline personality disorder.

Also, although you might believe you see traits of a PD in someone, that would be true for most of the population.

I don't think it's the sort of thing to be bandied about lightly. I doubt you'd suggest to someone they were schizophrenic, for instance- another loaded diagnosis. I just think it's completely inappropriate.

And yes dangermouse -cunts are epic!!

Having some of you who recognise me reach out to me today has helped me more than you could know. One day at a time isn't it?

It is, lovely LEM. Baby steps. Look after yourself and you'll hopefully realise how much you are loved and liked by the people who know you.

Yes PD does have a stigma but for some it is useful as gaining an understanding of why they behave like they do. It's actually massively under diagnosed and as I said quite prevalent. It's a mental health disorder like any other and should not have the stigma it does. Yes it takes time for a diagnosis and requires specialist treatment and unfortunately can run in families. Of course I'm not suggesting that the OP HAS a PD but I personally don't think it should be dismissed completely out of hand. If I was suffering to the extent of OP I'd hopefully explore all possibilities.

Also that's not true to say that most of the population have PD traits......if they have traits they don't have PD, having PD means having pervasive issues over a long period, and depending on which one can cause intense suffering.......most people do not have those issues over a long time.