I am a quintessential fuck up

[LEMtheoriginal]

My life is just one big fuck up - the trouble is It affects the people that I care about and I fuck then up to. I am not a nice person and although I know I don't deserve to be happy I still feel entitled to it -selfis

For yourseldf - run every day, start looking after yourself so you can be in a good place

For DD1: keep cleaning, cooking and caring for her. Supporting whilst she is feeling this way will help you and help her. Book a GP to come to the house (you need a home visit because you are unlikely to get her there) to evaluate her mental health what is happening and help you make a plan. Tell her you love her and tell her every day.

DD2: This is your one big chance to make a difference. Enjoy her childhood, take her out for walks, cuddle her close, watch films together and cook together. Make sure she knows you love her and value her.
You still have time.

Get a good counsellor to find out what wrong before, if indeed anything did. We all mistakes, none of us are perfect. You did your best at the time. That is all anyone can do.

LEM, you may be surprised to learn that you did the RIGHT things according to the research. If you are a mum prone to depression- then having other loving adults care for the child a lot, such as grandparents, and having work outside of the home is associated with better outcomes for you and the child.

Realistically- how would it have been better if you had been sat at home, not doing your qualifications, becoming more depressed and frustrated. I don't see that as a better environment for your dd- what you did was sensible.

My husband was brought up a lot by his grandparents and it worked out very well.

There's no 'magic' way to live a life, and if you parent like that, you get a child without mental health difficulties. My mum was and is a fantastic parent, she has one child with mental health difficulties their whole life, one without. I call that luck in my case, and bad luck in his. Yes, there are things that can influence that, but it isn't as simple as being a great mum and that just transforms everything. There are lots of brilliant, great loving mums out there who did everything for their children, as well as lots who were 'good enough' and children still have mental health difficulties. Life is hard and these things are common.

Your daugher is an adult now, like yo. She's 27, not 17, and so she, like you, has to find her own way to live in the world. You can't make her happy, all you can do is find some way to rub along together right now which doesn't involve you getting too hurt or rushing around cleaning her house in the hopes it changes anything- I guess it won't.

If you feel like grumpy mum, and I really am one, in my pre-menopausal state, then change that because it's not nice to be grumpy! Exercise, the new 10 min brisk walk app might be good, I hate exercise, but even I can see moving my big butt a few times a week walking to work or dancing round the living room keeps me mentally and physically in a better state.

It's also important to know that your second daughter and you have a completely different relationship- don't pressure it. She's not there to be the perfect daughter second time round because you 'messed up', Your first daughter is just her, that's her path, it isn't what you would have chosen but to some extent you didn't control it. Who knows what her destiny is on this planet? She may have a lot of valuable contributions to make to her own small circle of acquaintances/relationships beyond what we can see right now. Your second daughter is a person in her own right- just be with her, listen, and steady the ship a bit within yourself. That will help most.

Everyone saying deal with your own self first is right, I'm afraid. Annoying, isn't it!

Yes that was me :( this last thread prompted by the fact she ignored my birthday. I messaged her yesterday to say that we are going out to dinner tonight with my mum. She has also cut her out too. She replied "but I sent you happy birthday though""I'm sorry" "I hope you had a nice day" then nothing. I broke down at work AGAIN yesterday and was sobbing on my clinical coach. She suggested offering dd something but she hasn't replied. I am now frantic that I have upset her.

I feel like you all do that I need to give her space but it's killing me. I feel like I need to DO SOMETHING? but what??

I love her so much but I couldn't ever show it - I withdrew because I was convinced I'd lose her. I was sure I'd given her AIDS because I'd screwed around do much as a teenager. I really am a disgusting person.So she suffered because I couldn't face that.

I am going to try and get counselling again. I had a good counsellor - very abrupt older man that didn't mince his words. The trouble is he always tried to push me into working in my old field and he would be disappointed if he saw me now. Even though I love my job I feel I should be doing more. I work 40+hours for almost minimum wage and my dp is in despair.

Yep.
I wish my mum had worked and sent us to people who actually wanted to be around us :(

Know I am sorry you felt that way. I didn't know HOW to show my dd I loved her. Still don't. Maybe it was the same for your mum? I loved her

KNope*

Sorry this thread isn't about me...but I suppose she loves me. Hard to tell really.
Your dd is an adult.
She will go her own way even if you worry yourself into a decline.
Your job is your business...it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks...do you enjoy it? Does it give you satisfaction? Why do you care what other people think you should do?
As for your youth...bloody hell. I'm no saint either :)
I have come to realise over the years that my mum did her best - it was inadequate imo but it was the best she could do at that time.
I'm sure you did best too - just like I am with my kids - and I think that sometimes it's only as we age ourselves we can see our parents for who they really are...not just "mum" or "dad"
Take care x

....and I would also say that as an adult there comes a point where you have to start taking responsibility for your own life and stop blaming mum and dad!!

amitriptyline is great:)

I disagree with the advice to keep cooking and cleaning for a 27 year old who doesn't want to seek help, lives with her partner and likes gaming all night. She might have drawn the short straw in terms of poor mental health, but she's an autonomous adult who is able to choose how to respond to it. If mum rushes round there from a sense of guilt, cooking and cleaning, what on earth would motivate this 27 year old to change? In fact, she has a nice lifestyle! Much better than her mums. She has a partner, and no consequences to her behaviour really, if everyone else is covering up/managing her behaviour. I certainly wouldn't be over there cleaning if they were in bed having been up gaming all night, can you not see that's actually ridiculous!

That's not to say I wouldn't help out with the out with the odd shopping run, but they are two adults, perfectly able to deal with the consequences of their choices, like living in a shit tip if that's what they choose, not having money if they don't like working. What's going to prompt either of them to seek GP or other help if actually, their life is quite fine and manageable with everyone picking up after them and not even expecting civility in return. I wouldn't clean, cook or anything, I'd call for a cup of tea, offer an odd hand and treat them normally unless there was a genuine crisis.

Summer - I often feel like that but it's so difficult

When you say you need to do something, you need to understand that sometimes doing nothing is the hardest thing.

Step back from your older daughter and give her the space she needs.

That is the something you need to do. It may feel very odd and hard, but please try it.

In the meanwhile get some counselling and spend time with your younger daughter.

Counselling is for you, you should be worried about how the counsellor feels. It's the one person you can talk to without worrying about their feelings.

Good luck and keep fighting. You can do it.

It's difficult to do what summer says, but sometimes the right thing is difficult to do. Sometimes you help someone more by not helping them but by making them more independent.

Yes sometimes doing nothing is actuly the hardest - and best - thing you can do

I'm just worried she won't ever get better. I wish I could turn back the clock. I miss her

You are NOT a disgusting person. You are very much entitled to be happy. Forgive yourself and move on. (I am sure this is the advice you would give anyone else in your situation.). No good comes of punishing yourself.

Agree with Summerswallow; stop the housework and shopping for your dd. Spend the time and money on yourself. Your dd is well aware that you love her. You don't need to do any more to show it other than keep in touch and pop in for a cuppa from time to time! Let her find her own way. In the nicest possible way, you are over-compensating.

And perhaps find yourself a new therapist. You are doing the job you feel able to cope with now. When you feel less depressed and overwhelmed, you may want to look for something more demanding. And if not, that's ok too.

Her mental health is just that...hers.
Wishing her better wont make it so
I agree with summer...stop doing stuff for her. She's 27 not 12. If you do why shpuld she?
Maybe her dp thinks she's ok because you are cleaning etc?

Could you write to your dd or take her out for a coffee (if possible) and tell her that? Say that you wish you could turn the clock back, that you love and you really miss her, and that when she is ready, you'll be there? But for now, you are stepping back. Good luck op

Also, agree with others that doing nothing is often the hardest thing to do of all. But it is an active decision.

Can you bribe your elder DD to go out with you? Coffee or lunch or even an offer to buy something for her. I know it's bribery but might it allow you to start to rebuild some sort of relationship. Short and sweet meeting with no heavy talk. Doing her cleaning could be seen as you judging them for having a dirty flat.

BrownSauce. The eldest DD refuses to leave the house.

LEM my lovely, I've 'known' you (on here) for many years. You're not selfish, disgusting or any of those other negative things you ascribe to yourself. You're funny, generous, kind & caring. You're just in an incredibly bad place mentally.

Your DH always seems like a pretty decent bloke, but there are things he could do that would help. Firstly he needs to stop calling you Grumpy Mummy & siding with DD2. He needs to be kinder to you & he needs tonhelp DD2 see that you love her & are doing your best to cope with your problems. If you are grumpy it's because you're not well, not because you choose to be.

DD2 - show her as much love as you can & spend time with her (I already think you do well with this) but don't be afraid of telling her when she's being rude or playing up. You will not 'fuck her up' by having boundaries that are firmly in place, quite the opposite. Don't let her manipulate you, because that does lead to a lot of problems. She needs to know YOU are in charge, not her. She needs that safety.

DD1 - I know it's hard, but you need to change your approach with her. Running around after her doesn't make her feel loved, it makes her feel resentful & awkward, and also she will just see you as a mug, she will rebel even more to see how far you will go & then think you are stupid for doing it. It's unhealthy for both of you. I would go and see her, tell her you love her very much, but clearly what you are doing for her isn't working for either of you. Tell her that you are there for her, all she has to do is call you, but that you are going through give her the space she's indicating she wants. Then leave. I think her DP is a twat & he's not good for her, he likes to have her the way she is, I think he's insecure & controlling. However, right now, there's fuck all you can do about that, except let them get on with it.

I honestly think what you did when she was small was the best thing at the time and has sod all to do with how she is now.

Your counsellor - I think you should go back to him. I think he was a decent guy. I think he was pushing you into your career because he could see it would be good for you mentally, financially & would help fix a few things you stress about, like not using your degrees.

YOU - RUN. RUN RUN RUN. Do ANYTHING that makes you feel better within or about yourself & your life. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your DD2 - and DD1 & DH. It's honestly not selfish, being as well and as happy as you can be helps everyone, yes, even DD1.

You can't see it right now, but you are a really lovely person and you DO deserve to be happy. Much love xx

Chipping THANK you. Coming from you that means a LOT. I didn't realise you were a woolly hugger also. I have sent quite a few squares off and now in the middle of making a blanket for dd2. I struggle because I feel guilty it's not for dd1 but hoping to make one for her - although this one has taken about 4 months and only half way.

No running today but will go and treat myself to some new clothes. The upside to no meds us weight falling off me and I need new clothes.

Dd1 crochet and I've tried to involve her with wooly hugs but she isn't in the right place

Sorry, I didn't realise op's dd literally never left the house. Apologies. I did suggest writing a letter too. The method doesn't matter; point is the same though - op could explain to her dd that's she loves her, but needs to step back a bit.

(((LEM))) I want to give you an unmumsnetty hug. I remember you from years ago. Cunts are pretty epic, actually.

I read somewhere that a mother can only be as happy as her least happy child. That's debatable, but sounds like it applies to you. Your child is an adult though. You can't 'fix' her, she needs to sort that out on her own terms. All you can do is offer to be there for her, and that's what you are doing.

most kids had working parents when I was young. Someone needs to look after them, and you organised that. Your daughter was lucky to be with family who cared about her, rather than a childminder, or left alone. Most kids love spending time with their grandparents- it's normal.

TBH, at 27 there could have been all sorts of stuff happen in DDs life that had nothing to do with you, that have affected how things are now. Or as others say, could be genes.

Go for a run. If that feels too positive do some lung bursting intervals. Then you can punish yourself and look after yourself at the same time!