husband asking young girl out to dinner behind my back

[brokencrayons]

hi.

Never posted here before but had to get something off my chest.

My husband left himself logged onto FBon my laptop. I found messages from him to a young girl who drinks at the pub he works at.

She did him a favour today and he sent her a message saying "thanks so much, I owe you dinner, x"

confronted him about it, ended up in arguement, him calling me crazy (Im not, Im literally so laid back) and he also ended up nit picking the housework today (he is a bloody clean freak) called me a lazy bitch and told me I was a fuckface...nice.

its not OK for a married man to say that is it? I just feel like its really smarmy, not something a 40 something should be saying to a 20 something (very pretty) young woman...

Im hurting so much
He's showing no remorse.

He was making a casual flirtatious remark and lost his shit when you found out.
His attitude to you is awful, you know that.
A pretty young face is a nice change from the daily grind but it doesn't mean he would actually do something.

1. The dinner invitation probably wouldn't bother me by itself. It's a common phrase and doesn't even mean an invitation, a bit like 'we'll have to catch up soon'. As he works in a pub it could also mean as little as I'll pay for the next meal when you come in.

1. The kiss. If this isn't his usual style then I would be a little more suspicious, though there may be two mitigating factors:

a. If she's a lot younger she may well always communicate with him with xx at the end, and he may instinctively fall in line with that. Have you seen her messages ever? Some friends use kisses, some don't - I tend not to, but if replying to a typically kissy friend I'll add one without thinking consciously about it. b. If he'd recently messaged his mum or you with a kiss, he might have done it on her message without thinking. I know a number of people who have 'x' their boss, just after sending a 'x' to a DP.

1. His language to you is atrocious. This is unacceptable and to me, more of a concern than this possible dinner. Does he often speak to you like that? Unless he was under extreme pressure or something and it was a one-off I'd probably LTB over that treatment alone.

1. His threats to you, this 4 x year discussion of separation are all signs of a damaging relationship. Does he use the threat of separating when you complain about something/argue? Using it as a way to gain the upperhand because you're clearly scared of it? If so that's really cruel and he has no respect for you.

Healthy couples don't threaten separation multiple times a year. It means you can't have a simple (healthy) argument about something without one person catastrophising it into that and threatening to leave.

even if he's sex deprived? missiondecision

The dinner thing and kiss are fine - my friends metrosexual type dh often ends with a kiss when we text about kids arrangements and there is certainly nothing going on no way.

The way he speaks to you though is horrendous as is the housework comments.

He was putting feelers out - wants to start something. He is a charmless oik. There is no way he should be talking to you like that.

Your husband sounds like an abusive dick. It's not acceptable messaging women privately on fb like that. That in itself is disrespectful on the verge of abusive but even if you gave him the benefit of doubt over that (I wouldn't) the rest of his behaviour is abuse. Please remember not all abuse is physical.

You shouldn't be hard on yourself either. Your body has been through a trauma. I'm really saddened that you would even refer to what you look like because you don't deserve to be treated like this and the fact that you even reference your size or the fact you haven't had sex in a while makes me think you somehow think his shitty behaviour is your fault. It isn't.

Asked my DH what he thought of this. He said straight away the message sounded suspicious because your DH got so annoyed over you asking about it. He also said regardless of that, he shouldn't be talking to you like that anyways. From a male perspective.

I also agree. Up here in Scotland, it's common to say I owe you one, not I owe you dinner. No kiss at the end usually. Attitude when you ask about it and then on a personal attack over cleaning.

The communication itself between them sounds borderline dodgy/creepy and from what you've said of his nasty reactions and previous comments to you he's an absolute dick in general.

God I'd unleash hell.

Where the fuck does he get off, talking to you like that?

for you.

The message to her wouldn't necessarily be a problem, his reaction is pretty telling though. A normal reaction wouldn't be to deflect and make something not relevant to the topic your fault.

The history of your relationship doesn't sound that healthy tbh so I think he's lashed out because he's been caught with something.

Bollox to him 'catching up soon', he's got a wife and 3 DC, any free time he should be pitching in. I don't expect the OP has much time to catch up with random social engagements!

Definitely with the chucking a duster and Mr Sheen in his direction, with any luck it will land on his nuts.

And the x at the end of his message says he's creepy.

op you deserve so much more than him and I think you know that already. There are ways you can leave him. You don't have to put up with being treated like crap