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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

husband asking young girl out to dinner behind my back

113 replies

brokencrayons · 25/08/2017 18:34

hi.

Never posted here before but had to get something off my chest.

My husband left himself logged onto FBon my laptop. I found messages from him to a young girl who drinks at the pub he works at.

She did him a favour today and he sent her a message saying "thanks so much, I owe you dinner, x"

confronted him about it, ended up in arguement, him calling me crazy (Im not, Im literally so laid back) and he also ended up nit picking the housework today (he is a bloody clean freak) called me a lazy bitch and told me I was a fuckface...nice.

its not OK for a married man to say that is it? I just feel like its really smarmy, not something a 40 something should be saying to a 20 something (very pretty) young woman...

Im hurting so much
He's showing no remorse.

OP posts:
Original poster
brokencrayons · 25/08/2017 19:46

I want to end this relationship, but I cant. I feel bad for the kids. I am 100% reliant on him at the minute while I get my business off the ground. My family stay an hour away and I dont drive. Im literally stuck in this relationship.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 25/08/2017 19:49

your not broken if yor starting a business you can do it anywhere

and its way worse for kids to witness a relationship breakdown than a happy home

Papafran · 25/08/2017 19:50

It is not better for kids to live with both parents if the relationship is as toxic as this and they witness their father verbally abusing their mother. They won't thank you in the long run if you stay together just for them.

Is there any chance he would move out if you separated? Or could you give it a year to get your finances in better shape and then separate? It must seem hopeless, but you are more resilient that you think.

Original poster
brokencrayons · 25/08/2017 19:54

we have discussed separating before (it crops up about 4 x a year tbh) and he has terrified me by saying that he will get full custody of the kids and he will not leave the family home. He said if I was to break up then I have to go myself.

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 25/08/2017 19:57

He's flirting. Then when you rightly were hurt and argued with him over his disgusting comments, he can say he was pushed into bed with miss pretty pants as you you two weren't getting along etc etc etc.

Papafran · 25/08/2017 19:57

What a dick. He is lying to you. Could you go to see a solicitor, just to get some initial advice? That way you know where you stand financially. It's not cheap, but some firms do free initial appointments or fixed fees. If you're in England or Wales, you can look for specialists on www.resolution.org.uk

Goingtobeawesome · 25/08/2017 19:59

This is where you say he does 90% of the child care so it's understandable he'd want the children.

Original poster
brokencrayons · 25/08/2017 20:03

sorry Im not sure what you mean by that goingtobeawesome

OP posts:
ScruffyLookingNerfHerder · 25/08/2017 20:03

^Someone will post that their husband is in a bad mood and said something unkind to them.
Immediate cries of he is an abuser and the poster must leave them!^

Link

MistressDeeCee · 25/08/2017 20:03

I want to end this relationship, but I cant. I feel bad for the kids

he has terrified me by saying that he will get full custody of the kids and he will not leave the family home

Im literally stuck in this relationship

You're starting your own business so you must be a pretty astute woman. & You're an MN'er so you very likely read the Relatioship Board.

So you know that what you are saying is not true. You are not stuck nor have I heard of any law that grants a man full custody simply because he wants/threatens it

As if he'd want to be primary carer for children anyway..

Your children are very likely to grow up and NOT thank you for keeping them in a toxic upbringing with disrespect and insults flying around. & they may not see martyrdom in you saying "I did it for you" either.

If you want to stay then get counselling on your own and explore your thoughts and how you want relationship to progress. Maybe afterwards you can go for some sort of mediation with your DH

If you eventually want to leave its not a case of get up and go is it. Its not an easy road but women do it. You aave lots of advice at your disposal to help you make a decision. Womens Aid are brilliant on advice as are other organisations which a quick Google will show you, aso wise MN'etters I've seen on here

But as long as you remain in "Im stuck" mode with a man that is blatantly disrespecting you and talks to you as if you are nobody, then you're not really in a relationship at al you're in a toxic mess and that does need to be sorted, going forward.

He's a man don't elevate him as your God with all the power. Merely a man. Whether you stay or go at least get yourself informed and then take it from there

Original poster
brokencrayons · 25/08/2017 20:05

scruffy lol.

OP posts:
Papafran · 25/08/2017 20:05

Scruffy does it sound like a happy marriage to you? Leaving aside the nasty comments, the OP and her DH seriously discuss separation around 4 times a year. Do you do that with your DP/DH? Does it honestly sound like this is going to go the distance?

Original poster
brokencrayons · 25/08/2017 20:07

mistressdeecee thank you so much for this. xxx

OP posts:
IDoDaChaCha · 25/08/2017 20:08

He doesnt sign off all his messages with a "x" not even to me. - red flag.

yorkshapudding · 25/08/2017 20:09

Why would you say you owe someone dinner if you have zero intention of ever buying them one? I find that bizarre

This. Surely you'd just say "thanks" or "I owe you one". Saying "I owe you dinner" is stating an intention to buy her a meal, which is a bit fucking weird considering she's half his age and he's a married man.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 25/08/2017 20:10

him calling me crazy (Im not, Im literally so laid back) and he also ended up nit picking the housework today (he is a bloody clean freak) called me a lazy bitch and told me I was a fuckface

Girl or no girl, this is why you should LTB.

Papafran · 25/08/2017 20:10

MistressDeeCee that is great advice.

IDoDaChaCha · 25/08/2017 20:11

OP you're not stuck there are ways out. Can you talk it over with DM and say you and DCs need to live apart from DH due to relationship breakdown? Staying for the kids is a bad idea. They'll know, they're so perceptive. If you really want to end the relationship, you should. Marriages end, it is a difficult process but life goes on too. Don't stay with someone who speaks to you like that who makes you unhappy. Life is far too short Flowers

Lovemusic33 · 25/08/2017 20:13

The classic 'I will get custody of the children' thing. All men play this card, chances are he wouldn't get custody, he's just making threats because he wants you to think you can't cope without him. You can cope without him, many women do, you can still continue to start your own business. It took me a while to leave my H, I didn't feel I had to leave straight away, things were not that bad but our relationship had gone stale. I had my own bank account so I saved some money, luckily we never had joint accounts, eventually I kicked him out. He had spent years telling me that I would not cope on my own, told me no one else would want me etc...etc... but I did it, I am now better off than I was when I was with him, I have a good job and my own small business. He's living in a Bed sit, he has access to the kids but did not fight for custody. Never think that you can't leave, it is possible.

Goingtobeawesome · 25/08/2017 20:15

He is just threatening to take the children. I suspect he doesn't do very much with the children. Dicks to their wives usually make shitty fathers.

Bluntness100 · 25/08/2017 20:15

Op, can I ask uou to look at it another way for peace of mind.

Is she going to be interested in him? Seriously? Is she? I'm going to suspect the real answer is no. Not slightly.

So yes he could have been being flirtatious and trying his luck because she did him a favour, and you can deal with that, but the reality is probably there is no risk here and deep down he knows it and so do you

Original poster
brokencrayons · 25/08/2017 20:20

Bluntness100

he is very charming!
I was a model in my younger years and he isnt much of a looker! I fell in love with his charm, wit and kindness...HA!
Im also 10 years younger than him so yeah, I do believe he can get these young pretty silly girls. I was one.

He also (during an arguement) said that he had "come THIS close" to going home with another woman last year. I do believe he is capable.

OP posts:
IDoDaChaCha · 25/08/2017 20:21

Starting to sound like my initial reply was accurate... Get rid.

Original poster
brokencrayons · 25/08/2017 20:23

yup!

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 25/08/2017 20:24

I think goingtobe meant that as he probably isn't the primary carer, how would it be true that he can just have custody of the children? The only way it could be true is if you say he does 90% of the childcare.

In other words, he's playing you.

Nice husbands don't threaten to separate their wife from their children by the way.